Insensitive Husband

DowntheRiver · Feb 16, 2016

Sooooo...I'll bite. I'm the wife with an insensitive husband (and his family, but that's a different story).
Not the OP's wife. You couldn't pry me out of the ED with a crowbar.
What is hard to explain, and gets tiring to explain over and over again, is that sure, on the surface it looks sweet. "Only" working 3-4 days a week.
But nursing is like an iceberg. What you see on the surface isn't all that's under the water.
What my husband doesn't understand is the mental and physical stressors of the job. Because in hospitals, the nurses don't deal with the healthy. We deal with the sick and injured, and their families. There are days that after 6 hours I've felt like I've run a marathon, and my pedometer proves it. 6K steps in 6 hours may not seem like a lot, but over a small area suddenly it's a lot more. Try taking 100, even 50, steps in your bathroom...hard, right? There's a lot of back-and-forth? Well, that's what the nurses do. We have to lift patients with minimal assistance. We have to carry things.
Mentally, we're always "on." "It's 1000 - these patients need this, I need to do that. Oh wait, it's 1300...what did I miss?" We see people who, with just a little bit of preventative care, could have stayed at home. But for whatever reason they didn't have that preventative care, so suddenly they're on our patient list. Behavioral health has its own lowlights; you never know if that patient who was admitted on a mandatory hold for suicidal ideations will decide that it's time to try again, and you're the nurse between them and their success. Little 80-year-old women and tiny 4-year-old children can be surprisingly strong.
It's easier, and safer, to come home and complain about coworkers, because there aren't any risks there. No risk of me telling my husband "oh, Mr. Doe did X today" and violating all sorts of privacy laws that could get me fired and my license revoked. Instead, I complain about how "Jane Doe from the lab took forever on this test, and John Doe from this other place yelled at me for trying to give report."
If your wife is working 16 hours, OP, then she's only getting 8 hours to go home, shower, sleep, spend time with the family, eat, and run errands. I see my husband for an hour, if I'm lucky. And it's put stress on our marriage. After my "week" is over, I'm worthless for at least a day because that's simply how much time it takes for me to get my energy back.
Also, take a look at how things are done at home. In addition to my full-time job, I'm also cleaning, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, cooking - everything that a stay-at-home wife and mother would do, which has been considered an unpaid full-time job. So suddenly my "work week" has gone from 3 or 4 days to a full 6 or 7. It's not all sitting around, watching Netflix and eating bonbons.
I enjoy being a nurse. I'm good at it. But that phrase "find a career you love, and you'll never work a day in your life" is a pipe dream. Or, do you enjoy and are you good at your job? Yes? Does that eliminate all stress from it? How about the insensitive coworkers who simply cannot[/] understand that they need to watch how they act, or else they'll be hauled up in front of HR for harassment? They don't magically vanish. Nor do the complaints.

So kudos for coming and asking. Not going to hold my breath that you'll understand.

Glad I'm not the only one. I feel like I have two full time jobs, and I don't even have kids. I'm responsible for every other "adult" task in our household. Not only do I work 40 hours a week, but I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying, pet care (my husband has not ONCE taken the animals to the vet), etc. I manage our 401ks, schedule all his appointments, fill out any paperwork - I feel like the list is endless. God forbid I don't want to do anything and be lazy.

I really do love my husband. He's great. He just grew up with his mom following him around and wiping his a** until he was 21 so he never really learned how to "adult." I'm the opposite. I was raised by a matriarch who taught me to be strong and independent so I've always taken charge of things.

Jrod85 · Feb 16, 2016

Sooooo...I'll bite. I'm the wife with an insensitive husband (and his family, but that's a different story).
Not the OP's wife. You couldn't pry me out of the ED with a crowbar.
What is hard to explain, and gets tiring to explain over and over again, is that sure, on the surface it looks sweet. "Only" working 3-4 days a week.
But nursing is like an iceberg. What you see on the surface isn't all that's under the water.
What my husband doesn't understand is the mental and physical stressors of the job. Because in hospitals, the nurses don't deal with the healthy. We deal with the sick and injured, and their families. There are days that after 6 hours I've felt like I've run a marathon, and my pedometer proves it. 6K steps in 6 hours may not seem like a lot, but over a small area suddenly it's a lot more. Try taking 100, even 50, steps in your bathroom...hard, right? There's a lot of back-and-forth? Well, that's what the nurses do. We have to lift patients with minimal assistance. We have to carry things.
Mentally, we're always "on." "It's 1000 - these patients need this, I need to do that. Oh wait, it's 1300...what did I miss?" We see people who, with just a little bit of preventative care, could have stayed at home. But for whatever reason they didn't have that preventative care, so suddenly they're on our patient list. Behavioral health has its own lowlights; you never know if that patient who was admitted on a mandatory hold for suicidal ideations will decide that it's time to try again, and you're the nurse between them and their success. Little 80-year-old women and tiny 4-year-old children can be surprisingly strong.
It's easier, and safer, to come home and complain about coworkers, because there aren't any risks there. No risk of me telling my husband "oh, Mr. Doe did X today" and violating all sorts of privacy laws that could get me fired and my license revoked. Instead, I complain about how "Jane Doe from the lab took forever on this test, and John Doe from this other place yelled at me for trying to give report."
If your wife is working 16 hours, OP, then she's only getting 8 hours to go home, shower, sleep, spend time with the family, eat, and run errands. I see my husband for an hour, if I'm lucky. And it's put stress on our marriage. After my "week" is over, I'm worthless for at least a day because that's simply how much time it takes for me to get my energy back.
Also, take a look at how things are done at home. In addition to my full-time job, I'm also cleaning, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, cooking - everything that a stay-at-home wife and mother would do, which has been considered an unpaid full-time job. So suddenly my "work week" has gone from 3 or 4 days to a full 6 or 7. It's not all sitting around, watching Netflix and eating bonbons.
I enjoy being a nurse. I'm good at it. But that phrase "find a career you love, and you'll never work a day in your life" is a pipe dream. Or, do you enjoy and are you good at your job? Yes? Does that eliminate all stress from it? How about the insensitive coworkers who simply cannot[/] understand that they need to watch how they act, or else they'll be hauled up in front of HR for harassment? They don't magically vanish. Nor do the complaints.

So kudos for coming and asking. Not going to hold my breath that you'll understand.

Thank you for posting. Your response was well thought out.

FolksBtrippin, BSN, RN · Feb 16, 2016

So, you are caught in a competition with your wife over who works harder. I could weigh in on that but what would be the point? Maybe you work harder. Maybe she works harder. Maybe how hard you work is a subjective thing so each of you essentially works harder than the other. Now what? Who works harder is a non issue. Either there is something else going on that you think working harder makes you right about like a dispute over division of household duties or childcare or something, or one/both of you needs to find a better way to feel good about yourself, because trying to prove that you're the harder worker in your marriage is causing strain.

Jrod85 · Feb 16, 2016

Thanks to everyone that posted. I know that its a strange post. I was just curious if other nurses feel that working part time as a nurse is the same as a full time job. Sorry if I've made some of you upset. I posted this in favor of my wifes perspective. If I would havd posted in my favor then I wouldn't gotten point of views similar to mine.

I do want to say that I appeciate the work you do. It is a very thankless job, and nurses don't get the credit they deserve.

LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN · Feb 16, 2016

I do want to say that I appeciate the work you do. It is a very thankless job, and nurses don't get the credit they deserve.
Sent from my SM-G925P using Tapatalk

^If you realize THIS, then your post is moot basically.

Both me and my fiancÃ© have very complex jobs; he has the option to work from home, go in and out of the office, etc.; I once almost thought because of those perks he had an "easier" career; he didn't have to deal with people who basically are in a very vulnerable position, along with a slew of ridiculous coping mechanisms and generational absurdity and ruin; he never had to deal with eloping pts who return high after being out in pass, or pts who's minds are basically obliterated from Alzheimer's, that spit, kick, and poop everywhere, or to the sex offender who tries to proposition themselves, or the parent who is high off of wet, thinks someone sexually assaulted, calls the police to the ER, and then tries to flee with the child in sub-freezing temps, or wrestle with a teen under the influence and has half a dozen cops wrestling him-that was all in a day's work but this is just a few things I have encountered and continue to encounter in my almost 11 years being a nurse.

To be fair, on my days off when I'm recovering enough from my 12 hour shifts, when he works from home, I seen the stuff he has to deal with; I remember waking him up when he had to go into the office around 3:30 in the morning for an emergency, dealing with lazy people or when a project goes wrong or have to solve problems without being face to face, I admitted to him I would NEVER want to have his job; I can clock out and enjoy my off time, he can as well, but situations do arise from time to time, and I can compartmentalize my responsibility from managing vulnerability-but that in itself does make me exhausted; he was musing this afternoon that I get exhausted and slept a lot today-he gets it sometimes, but he never compares how "hard" our jobs are, and we share most of the household chores which helps, we both cook and wash laundry and clean; we found a system that works-that could be a solution you can work out with you spouse, with a professional.

Best wishes.

TriciaJ, RN · Feb 16, 2016

Thanks to everyone that posted. I know that its a strange post. I was just curious if other nurses feel that working part time as a nurse is the same as a full time job. Sorry if I've made some of you upset. I posted this in favor of my wifes perspective. If I would havd posted in my favor then I wouldn't gotten point of views similar to mine.
I do want to say that I appeciate the work you do. It is a very thankless job, and nurses don't get the credit they deserve.
Sent from my SM-G925P using Tapatalk

Here's the deal: it's not just the work. Lots of people work hard. But a landscaper probably doesn't go home at night and lay awake worrying that some of his plants might have died.

A nurse is under constant stress. A nurse has to do more things than there are time for, and do them well, and make sure nothing bad ever happens to anyone, ever. Unrealistic, yes? But that is the expectation that constantly rides our backs. It follows us home. It sucks our energy.

A 16 hr shift is not double the stress of an 8 hr shift; it's exponential. If your wife likes her work, it doesn't mean it's not sucking her dry. When she comes home to you, does she look forward to the nurturing and replenishment you provide, or does she have to gear up for another set of demands?

Nurses have a very bad habit of getting latched onto by useless men; please try not to be one of them.

Lev, MSN, RN, NP · Feb 16, 2016

Thanks to everyone that posted. I know that its a strange post. I was just curious if other nurses feel that working part time as a nurse is the same as a full time job. Sorry if I've made some of you upset. I posted this in favor of my wifes perspective. If I would havd posted in my favor then I wouldn't gotten point of views similar to mine.
I do want to say that I appeciate the work you do. It is a very thankless job, and nurses don't get the credit they deserve.
Sent from my SM-G925P using Tapatalk

Yes, even though she works only part time, it's still enough. One 16 hour shift is enough to make me go crazy for a month.

Guttercat, ASN, RN · Feb 16, 2016

I am recently arrived home from another day in the trenches...going all four-on-the-floor. I am too tired to read through all the responses tonight. I was almost too tired to make it up the elevator to see my last two patients tonight.

I got home, limped up the stairs, and shut myself in my room. Ahhh. blessed silence.

Does that answer your question?

Goodnight. Zzzzzz....

APRN., DNP, RN, APRN, NP · Feb 16, 2016

I'm the insensitive husband. My wife is a nurse that works in the float pool. She spends a lot time working in behavioral health and the medical floors.
She has been working 3-4 16 hour shifts per 2 week pay period lately.
She feels that since she is working 16 hour shifts, and a nurse that I should be more appreciative.
I see things different than her. I wish I could 16 hour shifts and have more days off. I will 4 days off to her 8-9 days off per pay period. I work 80 hours per pay period and she works 60-70 hours. I wish I could do that.
She will also explain to me how hard nursing is. In my mind, that is what she enjoys and is good at. Most of her issues with being a nurse is dealing with other nurses. It has nothing to do with the work itself.
I basically came her to see if I could get a better understanding of how she feels. To hear from other nurses that have done the same thing and how their spouses were.
Please don't hold back. I want your real thoughts. If I mad you mad, then tell me.

Here is a better understanding of how I would feel if I were in her shoes: Do you want a little cheese with that w(h)ine?

For Christ sake, you're trying to have a contest with your spouse? Over work hours? Over who works harder?

Did you not get enough affirmation of your point of view when you discussed this with her? Didn't she TELL you what her work was like? Did you think I would know what her work is like?!?

Did you think that you were going to come here and get ammo for the next time you compared your pity party to hers?

Not falling for that one.

Do yourself a favor - go in to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell the person looking back at you that you're going to begin with a fresh perspective tomorrow. The perspective of both of you being on the same team. Quit having a contest.

Tenebrae, BSN, RN · Feb 16, 2016

We work 8 hour shifts here, although we are expected to cram between 12-16 hours worth of work into that time.

I once worked a 16 hour shift, thinking it would be nice to have the next day off. I spent most of the next day soo dam tired I may as well not have had the day off for all that I enjoyed of it.

There is a mental involvement to nursing that is not present in other jobs. And its alot harder to switch off than other jobs I've worked.

ComeTogether, LPN · Feb 16, 2016

Stand on your feet for 16 hours, throw 5 ish miles of walking in, pee only twice and chomp your food down in less than 10 minutes. Go home, get 5 hours sleep and do it all over again, then repeat. That's the only way you'll understand.

And thats without the mental workload and fatigue that comes with the territory. The best way to understand is to listen to your wife and ask questions. Ask her what you can do to help and don't assume one of you has it easier or harder than the other.

littlelimabean01, LPN · Feb 16, 2016

Well, I am fortunate my husband does the 80 hour per 2 week pay period himself. I worked 109 hours my last 2 week period (and that is my regular schedule) My husband feels all bad for me and feels like he should pick up the slack for home duties like: cooking, cleaning and caring for our lovely chickens. I know I am lucky as all hell he feels that way.

To me, I chose this work and I need to do half of the house hold chores myself. My husbands feelings are that what I am doing is harder than his work (desk job, IT work for a small company). I am happy he has a comfortable job. I love my job and yes, it is taxing as hell mentally and physically. But I am not suited for a desk job I am a doer and maybe I do more than I should at my job, but at the end of the day I see the fruits of my labor. I actually made a positive difference in the lives of my residents.

A 16 hour shift as a nurse...wow that is rough (I do 12.5's) Just know she is tired and she wants you to realize she is contributing to the family and does not feel like you see her hard work. I know you can't see what she does while at work, but it is no walk in the park. If you love your wife and want to continue to have a solid marriage I would do anything you can to support her. Like make a meal for her, and take care of a few house hold chores.

You did right coming here because you care for her and could not understand what she is going through.