I'm the insensitive husband. My wife is a nurse that works in the float pool. She spends a lot time working in behavioral health and the medical floors.
She has been working 3-4 16 hour shifts per 2 week pay period lately.
She feels that since she is working 16 hour shifts, and a nurse that I should be more appreciative.
I see things different than her. I wish I could 16 hour shifts and have more days off. I will 4 days off to her 8-9 days off per pay period. I work 80 hours per pay period and she works 60-70 hours. I wish I could do that.
She will also explain to me how hard nursing is. In my mind, that is what she enjoys and is good at. Most of her issues with being a nurse is dealing with other nurses. It has nothing to do with the work itself.
I basically came her to see if I could get a better understanding of how she feels. To hear from other nurses that have done the same thing and how their spouses were.
Please don't hold back. I want your real thoughts. If I mad you mad, then tell me.
Well, you've certainly provided yourself with a lot of reading if you've done nothing else. I couldn't even endure reading through all the responses. Hopefully you got what you came here for. But really this is not a problem of who works harder and who has the better schedule. This is a problem of perspective, or lack thereof. A couple examples: I am working as an RN and working on my next degree level at the same time. I was previously working 5-6 8hr days a week, usually having only 1 day off a week, needless to say I was volunteering to stay home occasionally just to get homework done, and when you are trying to support a wife and two children it is not fun to have your paycheck take hits like that. We switched to 12 hour shifts and I was so excited, not only is it a couple extra days off but it is 4 less hours a week. I thought it would solve all my problems. That was my perspective. Now that I have been working 12 hour shifts, my perspective is that I can see this is not the case. Sure it solved some problems but there are other problems as well. Like being too worn out after a 12 hour shift (can't imagine doing 16 regularly), or if I do stay home that is now a 12 hour hit to the paycheck rather than just 8 from before. Another example is someone who leaves a job because of problems they have. It is best to try to fix the problems first, because chances are you are just trading one set of problems for another. But you can't see that until you get into the new job and experience the new set of problems. There is no problem free environment. Only problems that you can fix, or can't fix and have to decide if you can or can't live with.
So by saying I wish I had her job or I wish I had her schedule, you are only looking at things from your perspective, not her perspective, and you are taking a short sighted view of her difficulties and showing a severe lack of empathy. That is not necessarily a criticism, lots of people have a severe lack of empathy. Either embrace it or try to change. I would assume that posting here would be an effort on your part in an attempt to change, but I think your choice of title says otherwise. Sometimes things don't have a deeper meaning but then sometimes they do. By picking the title "Insensitive Husband" and calling yourself that, you are in a way dismissing the notion that you feel you are being insensitive, in a way it is vary sarcastic. If you had titled something like "Husband trying to be more understanding" or something similar, it would sound more sincere. So basically, you sound like a self-centered D-bag. Just embrace it. And if your wife is ok living with that, then hey more power to you.
I read some of the other replies. I think it's important to hear from a Nurse with two failed marriages that your wife is very lucky to have someone who cares enough to do some research and make an effort to understand and work to reach an mutually agreeable solution. I would have been very grateful if my husband had been as interested in working out a solution.
I was an active duty air force nurse. I often went to work at 6am monday morning and due to short staffing and being on call I many times wouldn't get home until Tuesday night. My husband was also active duty an assigned to a General. He spent a lot of time gone or expected me to join him at the officers club or to entertain at home. I was expected to take care of all housekeeping duties shopping cleaning, mowing, car service appts and detailing, and dog care and arranging a sitter to come in. He did not help with anything and expressed his resentment ofmy unpredictable and demanded that I turn down a promotion. I did but it did not resolve our problems.
Again, I say your wife is very lucky. It sounds like you are genuinely trying to understand and work towards a schedual that is mutually agreeable and supports your goals as individuals, as a couple and the lifestyle you want. You didn't mention children, their needs and rights should also be respected.
My advice is to keep up the good work, talking, being supportive, and encouraging or reassuring her. She may be at a point in her growth process that she feels it's time for her to follow her dream of a professional career or has to prove something to herself or the world. She may be worried about the economy and wants to have a career to fall back on should hard time befall you. The current atmosphere in hospitals is to demand more and mire from staff, per diem staff worry that if the refuse a shift that they will be punished, and that certainly is a valid concern. It will take patience and perseverance to get to the roots. Continue to tend your marriage like a garden, nurture it and each other. I hope these words were helpful, and I wish you both a understanding of each other, a closer emotional bond, and a successful and happy life together.
My husband does not always understand what I do at work and what all is involved. However, he also does not try to compete with me as to who works harder, who makes more money, who has a tougher job or whatever.
He supports me regardless, as well as I support him regardless.
That is just the basic's of marriage -
I hope that you never have to be hospitalized and have to see first hand how difficult the job is. And if you do, certainly don't share the same thoughts you posted here with the nurse who is taking care of you !!
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
There you go! Talk about showing your true colors, right? When I tell people (who aren't nurses) they don't believe me! They say how could somebody who's suppose to be a "professional" act like that? If you ever need somebody to talk to you can PM me. I've been a nurse for many years.
Showing our true colors? You do realize we tried to help him to only have our hand slapped, correct? Did you read the whole post? How long have you been a nurse? Did you read the post where he said he DIDN'T want our opinions?
first I'm so sorry that others haven't been so welcoming to you on this site but i think you came to the right place. I am a nurse and i work three 12 hour shifts so i have 4 days off a week. my husband works 930-6 5 days a week, we have two kids. the thing that i notice the most is it never actually seems like i have days off because i am a full-time nurse and a full time mom. it seems like those 4 days off should be spent resting and relaxing from my demanding job but actually they are spent being a taxi driver to my kids and a maid, a cook, among other things.. maybe try to give her 1 day off like if she's off on the weekend take the kids (assuming you have them) do the cooking and let her have her 1 day to herself my husband and i started that i get thursdays for me and it has helped a lot. nursing is a very demanding and tiring job, I work in heart surgery and after about 9 hours of work i am pretty exhausted. after 14 hours I'm pretty delirious so if she is working 16 hour shifts regularly i can't even imagine how tired she must be. I would say my husband at first was insensitive but is starting to (doesn't completely yet) understand that nursing is an exhausting but rewarding career.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
People. He doesn't want our marital advice! So why do you think we all gave up? We tried telling him how to fix things but he didn't "come here for that". All he wants to know is if nurses are the same, whiny & irritating after work.
I get what you are saying, it has taken my husband a while to understand my shifts. We have been married 23-yrs. I have been a nurse for 19-years out of the 23-years, I have worked day shift and night shifts and split shifts. When I started nursing we did 8-hour shift then it went to 12-hour shifts. I have work my share of 16-18 hour shifts before when needed. So here is what my husband and I have done. My husband is a firefighter and he works 48-hours (2-days) on and 96-hours (4-days) off and that doesn't count the call backs. A lot of people have asked me why I don't work around his schedule, I just tell them that it is not fair for my co-workers. So now you have two people that work crazy schedules and throw in family life with that. I try my hardest to be able to have at least one-day off together. Sometimes this work and there are times it doesn't, so we will go a week to 10-days without a day off together. By having just that one day together makes the world of difference. We have 2-boys that are older but we still do a lot of family stuff. So on our day off together we actually will do a lunch date, and hang out. Then at night our full attention is with our family. We make sure we have family dinner it is a set time. When my husband off on my the days I work, he fixes dinner; when we are off together we make it together. When he is at work and I am also crock pot dinners or quick and easy dinners are life savers. We will take dinner to him. I guess what I am saying you guys need to sit down come up with a routine that works for you. I don't know if she works days or nights, but come up with a plan. Nurse life can be crazy, but don't let that interfere with your family life.
Good Luck and a lot of communications helps. When she has said you don't understand, politely ask her to explain and be open to her explanations. If she has had a bad day go get ice cream or something totally not work related.
Good for you for trying to gain some insight in to her nursing career. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Actually I wouldn't say most of the things that have been said here. But aside from all the negativity I will just offer my point of view.
My wife and I are both RN's and we have been married 21 years. We have been RN's for the last 10 of those years. This is a demanding job in which most people outside of nursing may not fully appreciate. With that said I also can't appreciate what it's like to have a job outside of healthcare as I have never had one (aside from a high school job.) My wife has a full time job and she's also very passionate about her work and I am so proud of her and what she does. And she's very good at it. I also have a full time job and 3 PRN jobs plus working on my next collegiate degree plus run a local nursing organization (that I don't get paid for.) We don't do the work that we do to try and impress or become the "breadwinner." We do these things because it's rewarding and hopefully pays the dang bills. But it is also very difficult physically and mentally. It will completely suck the life out of a person if you let it. Having said that I do understand the day of a nurse and I would NEVER compare the number of hours I work to her. What's the point?
My advice is to be completely selfless, praise your wife, and thank her immensely for everything she does. And then repeat... all the time! And if your wife feels the same, she will hopefully reciprocate the sentiment.
You DON'T understand and aren't likely to. That much is evident from your post. Seeking more information isn't going to change that. The physical side of nursing has been compared to that of heavy-duty truck drivers. The emotional side has no comparison. She complains about coworkers because it is safer than complaining about patients, which can get her fired and lose her license. How about you run full-out for 16 hours, go to bed, get up and do it again? That might give you a hint of what she is feeling like. And coming home and having to defend how she feels to you......doesn't speak much for your relationship. She'd be better off with a cat!
Basically, we nuture all day long. Why is she working 16 hours, 2x weekly? When she gets home she has nothing left to give you. She is exhausted. What she needs is someone to take a few minutes and take care of her. Let her re energize.
mdillingham
3 Posts
Well, you've certainly provided yourself with a lot of reading if you've done nothing else. I couldn't even endure reading through all the responses. Hopefully you got what you came here for. But really this is not a problem of who works harder and who has the better schedule. This is a problem of perspective, or lack thereof. A couple examples: I am working as an RN and working on my next degree level at the same time. I was previously working 5-6 8hr days a week, usually having only 1 day off a week, needless to say I was volunteering to stay home occasionally just to get homework done, and when you are trying to support a wife and two children it is not fun to have your paycheck take hits like that. We switched to 12 hour shifts and I was so excited, not only is it a couple extra days off but it is 4 less hours a week. I thought it would solve all my problems. That was my perspective. Now that I have been working 12 hour shifts, my perspective is that I can see this is not the case. Sure it solved some problems but there are other problems as well. Like being too worn out after a 12 hour shift (can't imagine doing 16 regularly), or if I do stay home that is now a 12 hour hit to the paycheck rather than just 8 from before. Another example is someone who leaves a job because of problems they have. It is best to try to fix the problems first, because chances are you are just trading one set of problems for another. But you can't see that until you get into the new job and experience the new set of problems. There is no problem free environment. Only problems that you can fix, or can't fix and have to decide if you can or can't live with.
So by saying I wish I had her job or I wish I had her schedule, you are only looking at things from your perspective, not her perspective, and you are taking a short sighted view of her difficulties and showing a severe lack of empathy. That is not necessarily a criticism, lots of people have a severe lack of empathy. Either embrace it or try to change. I would assume that posting here would be an effort on your part in an attempt to change, but I think your choice of title says otherwise. Sometimes things don't have a deeper meaning but then sometimes they do. By picking the title "Insensitive Husband" and calling yourself that, you are in a way dismissing the notion that you feel you are being insensitive, in a way it is vary sarcastic. If you had titled something like "Husband trying to be more understanding" or something similar, it would sound more sincere. So basically, you sound like a self-centered D-bag. Just embrace it. And if your wife is ok living with that, then hey more power to you.