I'm Tired & Weary, Why is This Profession So Cut Throat?

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

I just needed to vent. I don't feel like rehashing my entire situation because it's just way too much and I've been in the same state of limbo for almost 15 months.

Sometimes the weight of these worries feels like it could crush me. I had no idea when I felt called to this profession that it would turn out to be one of the least empathetic professions I can imagine for nurses themselves. I'd like to find ways to change that eventually, significantly. 

It sometimes feels one can never be enough, do enough, prove enough, protect themselves enough, be hypervigilant enough moving forward, to outrun the sins of the past or feel like one can be really safe in this field (livelihood etc). I accept full responsibility for my mistakes, of which there were many before I've even sat for licensure, it's just the idea of them always following me around and having to explain them and apologize for them (BONs and jobs) for possibly the rest of my career that brings on a weariness so deep in my bones. I don't think anybody besides another nurse or healthcare provider could really understand. I refuse to be a victim and I know my mindset is MY responsibility. It's a constant battle to break the cycle of panic. 

No matter where you are in this process or what got you here, I'd be interested to hear what do you tell yourself to keep hope alive? I'm not a quitter and I never will be, I'm just tired..

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

I have always had interesting (Frightening) dreams and when I was in early recovery with its common emotions I would dream that I was child being chased through the maze of hallways. I could not see the monster but I knew it was there. A counselor asked when I was going to turn and face the monster. The thing is  that when I finally turned a faced what was chasing me I found myself looking in a mirror. Recovery is a process - you will have up days/down days and days when you are floating on a fluffy pink cloud of recovery.

IF you are truely impacted by an addiction and not  just one of those people caught up in a program for a 1 time DUI or things that happened before you became a nurse, then it is essential that you connect with a program and sponsor. 

If you are looking for a kind ear come here as this is definately a place where we support eachother. You can PM me if you like but I don't come here every day so if you don't hear back from me immediately don't feel your being ignored. 

Peace 

Hppy

[TheMoonisMyLantern, ADN, LPN, RN]

I'm not in recovery and haven't had addiction issues. I have however had severe mental illness for most of my adult life. And you're right, people don't understand they don't want to understand. I learned that lesson the hard way at the very beginning of my career. There are negative assumptions made about people in recovery and those with mental illness, in recovery they think that any alteration in your routine, behavior, anything means that you're using. And for mental illness they think you're a danger to your patients and to everyone else. It's so frustrating sometimes.

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

Thank you @hppygr8ful. That dream you mentioned sounds like dreams I’ve had. I used to always have dreams about being chased, pretty much my entire life, but it got better recently. I am well connected to a recovery community, I volunteer, and my recovery is not on shaky ground thankfully. This post was primarily about what the BON and this profession do to make us feel so much like damaged goods. And their punitive behavior rubs off on jobs and the entire profession and here we are in one of the most caring and trusted professions feel unseen, unheard, afraid, etc. I also appreciated your post on the anorexia thread. I don’t struggle with an eating disorder but I appreciated what you said about mental health and ACE’s there. 
 

@TheMoonisMyLantern I have a dual diagnosis, so I completely hear you. Now whenever I have a bad day I get to be asked if I “took my meds” (cuz, you know, that scary scary bipolar and PTSD), or whether I spoke to my recovery community. Gone are the days when I could just have a bad day or feel sad about the state of things in my life and/or the world and it be seen for what it is. Thank you for writing what you did. I know your patients must benefit from your experience with mental illness and I hope when I get licensed mine will too. It really enables us to care on a whole deeper level, and help them in ways that we otherwise couldn’t if we hadn’t helped ourselves through what we have.

[amoLucia]

(((OP)))

Wishing you all the best ....

[MsLuckyWon]

I can totally relate to your post. I'm at the point of leaving this profession behind. It's not worth my the loss of my self worth, esteem, confidence... I own up to my mistakes and addiction issues, and nursing just has no compassion or understanding.  

"It sometimes feels like one can never be enough, do enough, prove enough, protect themselves enough, be hypervigilant enough .."

This. Life's too short to feel like this. I'd rather work in fast food than to feel like this. My ❤️ goes out to you. 

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

Thank you @MsLuckyWon. I’m so sorry you can relate but a selfish part of me likes to know I’m not alone. I read about what happened to you and it really upsets me for you. You can get through this though! Your patients will be so blessed to be cared for by a nurse with empathy, understanding, and compassion. Nurses in recovery from SUD and/or mental health issues are especially valuable in this profession and even if the BON doesn’t see it, it doesn’t make it not true.

In my stronger moments, this whole experience has emboldened me to consider how I can make a different for other nurses in the future after this whole thing finally ends. If we cannot stay in this profession tho, I hope we don’t let it break our spirits. It takes a special person to go to the dark place we have and navigate their way out. It’s an asset and not simply a liability.

[caliotter3]

What do I tell myself? Rather  simple: “the rent is due on the first”.

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

15 hours ago, caliotter3 said:

What do I tell myself? Rather  simple: “the rent is due on the first”.

Not the most inspiring or hopeful sentiment but if it gets the job done... 

[ab12345, BSN, RN]

Here's the thing, my beautiful friend. You are going to be an amazing nurse and the only way to fulfill that destiny is to keep moving forward despite the obstacles. You will be in a rare position, as those of us who have experienced these programs are, to empathize with certain populations of patients that too often receive far too little empathy or understanding. You will be able to motivate the fighter in your patients to push through because you know what it is to push through. It is so hard to look at the mountain before us and think how can I climb this? Just take each next right step. You are where you are meant to be and I believe in you. 

[K. Everly, BSN, RN]

3 minutes ago, ab12345 said:

Here's the thing, my beautiful friend. You are going to be an amazing nurse and the only way to fulfill that destiny is to keep moving forward despite the obstacles. You will be in a rare position, as those of us who have experienced these programs are, to empathize with certain populations of patients that too often receive far too little empathy or understanding. You will be able to motivate the fighter in your patients to push through because you know what it is to push through. It is so hard to look at the mountain before us and think how can I climb this? Just take each next right step. You are where you are meant to be and I believe in you. 

So sweet and just what I needed to hear. I thank God for people like you and can't wait for the day I get to work along side nurses of your calibre who relish seeing their coworkers thrive and patients truly heal. ?

[ruby_jane, BSN, RN]

On 12/28/2020 at 9:52 AM, K. Everly said:

 Now whenever I have a bad day I get to be asked if I “took my meds” (cuz, you know, that scary scary bipolar and PTSD), or whether I spoke to my recovery community. 

OK, wow! Yes, you ARE entitled to a bad day (and to vent). Thank you for this perspective. Hang in there.