I just needed to vent. I don't feel like rehashing my entire situation because it's just way too much and I've been in the same state of limbo for almost 15 months.
Sometimes the weight of these worries feels like it could crush me. I had no idea when I felt called to this profession that it would turn out to be one of the least empathetic professions I can imagine for nurses themselves. I'd like to find ways to change that eventually, significantly.
It sometimes feels one can never be enough, do enough, prove enough, protect themselves enough, be hypervigilant enough moving forward, to outrun the sins of the past or feel like one can be really safe in this field (livelihood etc). I accept full responsibility for my mistakes, of which there were many before I've even sat for licensure, it's just the idea of them always following me around and having to explain them and apologize for them (BONs and jobs) for possibly the rest of my career that brings on a weariness so deep in my bones. I don't think anybody besides another nurse or healthcare provider could really understand. I refuse to be a victim and I know my mindset is MY responsibility. It's a constant battle to break the cycle of panic.
No matter where you are in this process or what got you here, I'd be interested to hear what do you tell yourself to keep hope alive? I'm not a quitter and I never will be, I'm just tired..
I don’t suffer from addiction issues, but I was falsely accused of diverting. It’ll be 2 years next month this happened, and despite passing every drug screen, hair test, being cleared by the attorney general and BON; it unfortunately still follows me wherever I go. As soon as an employer finds out my prior situation-out the door I’d go for dumb lies that were not true. It’s happened 3x since my initial job of 11 years that falsely accused me. It’s literally damaged my reputation, self esteem, and I ended up quitting nursing in June.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar, and hope whatever it is doesn’t affect your career as it has mine.
I miss it. I miss my residents. I’ve even been thinking of going back somewhere PRN lately, but the minute I start looking, I get bad anxiety and almost ptsd like symptoms happen. It’s no fun and I truly hope things turn around for you.
I don’t suffer from addiction issues, but I was falsely accused of diverting. It’ll be 2 years next month this happened, and despite passing every drug screen, hair test, being cleared by the attorney general and BON; it unfortunately still follows me wherever I go. As soon as an employer finds out my prior situation-out the door I’d go for dumb lies that were not true. It’s happened 3x since my initial job of 11 years that falsely accused me. It’s literally damaged my reputation, self esteem, and I ended up quitting nursing in June.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar, and hope whatever it is doesn’t affect your career as it has mine.
I miss it. I miss my residents. I’ve even been thinking of going back somewhere PRN lately, but the minute I start looking, I get bad anxiety and almost ptsd like symptoms happen. It’s no fun and I truly hope things turn around for you.
I’m very sorry for everything you have experienced, @Floridababe. I’m someone who had complex PTSD from long before my nursing journey began, and now I have PTSD symptoms from this experience too. Loss and grief is loss and grief no matter what causes it, and that can be especially traumatic when one is accused of something they didn’t do. In my situation that is partially true too and absolutely did cause me PTSD which I grapple with to this day.
Please know there are others who understand the pain of what this experience is like and can validate what a devastating experience it can be. I’m sure being able to stay in this career field will take an incredible amount of grit for me (trust me when I say my employment opportunities will be scant) and I’m trying to figure out what my bottom line is when it comes to walking away. It’s been one of the most difficult situations of my life and what I hold on to is just knowing that no matter how much I face rejection in this field, it isn’t a reflection of me. I am so much more than the mistakes I’ve made or the record that follows me, and that is absolutely true for you too.
I’m very sorry for everything you have experienced, @Floridababe. I’m someone who had complex PTSD from long before my nursing journey began, and now I have PTSD symptoms from this experience too. Loss and grief is loss and grief no matter what causes it, and that can be especially traumatic when one is accused of something they didn’t do. In my situation that is partially true too and absolutely did cause me PTSD which I grapple with to this day.
Please know there are others who understand the pain of what this experience is like and can validate what a devastating experience it can be. I’m sure being able to stay in this career field will take an incredible amount of grit for me (trust me when I say my employment opportunities will be scant) and I’m trying to figure out what my bottom line is when it comes to walking away. It’s been one of the most difficult situations of my life and what I hold on to is just knowing that no matter how much I face rejection in this field, it isn’t a reflection of me. I am so much more than the mistakes I’ve made or the record that follows me, and that is absolutely true for you too.
Thank you @K. Everly for the kind words. It is very much appreciated. I hate that others have gone through this, but I’m glad to know others can relate with similar situations, and know the emotional trauma it can really cause. I hope things get better for you as well, and hopefully you’ll find a job you love somewhere. Thanks again ❤️
Sometimes I do debate leaving the field, but my boss never gave up on me (and I've put her through the wringer, that's for sure). I want to finish to be there for the nurses that will come after me just like the nurses that guide me now. I would be absolutely lost without them.
Sometimes I do debate leaving the field, but my boss never gave up on me (and I've put her through the wringer, that's for sure). I want to finish to be there for the nurses that will come after me just like the nurses that guide me now. I would be absolutely lost without them.
That's a great point, thank you for sharing it!
I've met some amazing nurses I otherwise would not have met if it wasn't for going through what I have and their impact on me will be lasting. If I give up, I won't be there to help somebody else who is lost and feeling broken on this journey later.
My experience gave me a great case of PTSD that I didn’t have before. I’m one of those with mental health diagnosis yet was dumped into a program that for some baffling reason thought 6 months of drug rehab was the answer. The time I spent there, they completely ignored my psych needs and treated me like an addict. With my meds out of whack and zero appropriate therapy, you can only imagine what damage was done. Even for those with true addiction issues, I am firmly convinced that these programs and their “approved evaluators” and bizarre attachment to 12 step stuff (I can’t figure out how a program, supposedly run by medical professionals eschews evidence based practice in favor of 100 year old writings that IMO make very little sense) do way more damage than good. I’m not really a fan of the 12 step stuff but if it works for a person that’s great.
I’ve been free of those vultures and their abuse for almost 2 years now. Meds are balanced, I work in a supportive facility that doesn’t give one whit what happened in the past and I am doing quite well.
Nevermind all the platitudes and ‘sayings’, it is perfectly okay to be weary, tired, down, etc. Just know that in spite of the ***holes there are still good, supportive folks around the profession.
I totally understand and empathize with you beloved.
I recent got a default order after being suspended for almost two years for allegations with no proof/evidence whatsoever. And my attorney, another sordid story!
It is “GUILTY until proven GUILTY” and it’s such a shame that this will follow me everywhere I go for the rest of my career.
I know someone talked about quitting altogether, I considered the option but my love for nursing wouldn’t allow that.
Floridababe
14 Posts
I don’t suffer from addiction issues, but I was falsely accused of diverting. It’ll be 2 years next month this happened, and despite passing every drug screen, hair test, being cleared by the attorney general and BON; it unfortunately still follows me wherever I go. As soon as an employer finds out my prior situation-out the door I’d go for dumb lies that were not true. It’s happened 3x since my initial job of 11 years that falsely accused me. It’s literally damaged my reputation, self esteem, and I ended up quitting nursing in June.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar, and hope whatever it is doesn’t affect your career as it has mine.
I miss it. I miss my residents. I’ve even been thinking of going back somewhere PRN lately, but the minute I start looking, I get bad anxiety and almost ptsd like symptoms happen. It’s no fun and I truly hope things turn around for you.