I'm in a jam - need some insight

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I will do my best to make this succinct.

Approximately one month ago, I transferred to a new department (surgery) and am working as a circulating nurse. The SAME exact week that I began this job, I checked my facebook, and there was a "friend request" from a guy that I went to HS with almost 15 years ago.

The guy now lives in a different state, 10 hours away, and is working as a Tax Attorney. He graduated from Law school a year ago, but this is his first job as an Atty and he JUST started it a month ago. It took him a year to find a job in his state! I, however, still live in the same town that I went to HS in.

We excahnged numbers the week we "reconnected", and MY GOD, we have so much in common. We pretty much talk on the phone every night, sometimes for many hours at a time. We have only had one weekend of face-to-face contact since reconnecting, but the connection is there and we definitely want to become exclusive.

Here is where it gets complicated. He can't quit his job and move back here. He is not barred in this state and he FINALLY landed a job after a year. And getting a job as an Atty is not easy if you don't have the experience. He would like to put in at least 2 years with his current firm. At minimum. After 2 years, after he's proved himself to the firm, they will likely make him a "partner" - and that is when his job will become more lucrative.

He feels bad, because that means it's up to me to make the move and this is a sticky situation. My job is putting me through SIX months of orientation. I am one month into it. And I don't want to move there now. In fact, I want to date him (long distance) for another 6 -9 months before I move. But if I wait that long, my orientation will just be over with. I can't do that to my employer!! My friends are telling me to move there sooner than six months. He is coming down here every weekend in Oct just to see me, so my friends think that I should move in November. Arrgh. I am "ok" with moving there in November because I really think this dude and I are going to make it, but still, if I move at the beginning in November, I will be 3 months into my orientation. Do you think this is going to upset my employer? What should I do? I can't talk to my employer about this because they will let me go right away. Even if I wait a year, I will still feel bad, because I will only be 6 months out of orientation. I "heard" that they frown upon anyone who leaves before 18 months!

I should add, I am 32, never married no kids and the same goes for him. I really want kids, but my bio clock is ticking! We are both really, super, excited to have found each other and we can't wait to see where things go. Both of us are a little scared the the LDR is going to get old, and it probably will. We SOOO don't want that to happen, so it's like, this move SHOULD take place sooner rather than later. But I'm so scared of doing something so unprofessional. I burned some bridges in my past as a new nurse, and I don't want to do that now. Sigh,

Please advice.

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I understand how you feel. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9months. We have been through some pretty tough times. Anyway he lives in the town I went to school at (I have graduated he still has a year to go). I put in like 15-20 application at the local hospital to no avail. However I got a job in my home town and my employment history is a little shaky so I have to stay this job till he graduate to build my employment history.

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My only suggestions is don't burn any bridges by moving without being 100% positive about this guy. Also have a job lined up out there before you even think about moving because you never know what can happen.

Good luck

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One month is an awfully short amount of time on which to base your future.

You might have a strong feeling that he's "the one," and he might feel that way about you as well. But if you really have what it takes to be a couple, you can tough out a long-distance relationship for the two years it will take for him to become vested in his law firm and for you to be able to leave with a clear conscience.

Yes, it's challenging to live so far apart, but many people have blazed that trail before you, and most of them (the ones prior to the late 1990's) have done it without the benefit of Skype, free long distance, Facebook, and the rest.

We tend to value more the things we have to work and wait for. And we respect ourselves more for working and waiting.

Build this relationship step by step. Enjoy the times you can get together in person (that's what frequent flyer miles are for). Lay the groundwork for a long-term commitment. Write actual letters to each other.

Then, when you take the plunge, you'll be well informed and ready to go.

I wish you both the very best.

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Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

I agree - wait it out! If its meant to be, it will hold up.

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Specializes in OB.

A couple of suggestions here:

If you decide to make the move - have a job lined up before you go! Getting there and being dependent could sour the relationship, especially if you find yourself feeling/saying "I left a great job for this".

To give notice: Don't mention personal details. Simply state in writing that "Family/personal circumstances necessitate moving to another state". You can go on to state that you appreciate the opportunities given to you and would not leave if you could be close enough to continue there. They still won't like it, but it is sufficiently neutral to not offend and to leave the possiblility of a reference. Do offer as much notice as possible.

Now this also means shut up at work about the guy and your plans or someone is bound to say something catty to your supervisor when you go.

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Well, they won't accept a 2 week notice anyway. A nurse who began 3 weeks before me announced to someone that she may have to move this summer because of her hubby's job. My manager got wind of it, asked her if it is true, and when she said yes, they basically told her to go home on spot if she wasn't going to stay for at least 18 months. No notice was necessary since she was in orientation.

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very exciting stuff! but excitement can blur judgement sometimes, my vote is to wait a while.

my (now husband) and i dated long distance (4.5 hrs apart by car) for over a year :uhoh3:, and then i finally moved to NJ, hence my username. it was totally worth the wait and in the meantime you really build a strong and serious relationship by phone, and visits, as long as you both are willing to put in the effort!!

congratulations to you for finding someone who even makes you think this way, just try to use your head while following your heart... :redbeathe

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Specializes in OB.
Well, they won't accept a 2 week notice anyway. A nurse who began 3 weeks before me announced to someone that she may have to move this summer because of her hubby's job. My manager got wind of it, asked her if it is true, and when she said yes, they basically told her to go home on spot if she wasn't going to stay for at least 18 months. No notice was necessary since she was in orientation.

It may be likely that they won't accept notice, but by giving notice, in writing, YOU are doing the correct thing.

The "gossip circuit" is why I said to keep your mouth shut at work about the relationship possibilities.

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I'd try to do the long distance thing for a little longer, personally. At the one month mark, things are still puppies and rainbows. Give it at least through October, when you spend every weekend together. See if you can handle 48 hours of solid togetherness before you start making any plans to uproot yourself and your career. In the meantime, keep calling, writing, talking, texting, whatever it is you're doing now.

Make contacts at hospitals in his area to feel out the job situation. Set aside money for an apartment where he's living, because if you would get out there and things don't work out (Heaven forbid!), you can't quit the new job you get out there and move BACK home. You'll need to find a place to live if you've moved in with him initially and keep trucking along at the new job. (If you're not planning on moving in with him, you'll need start-up costs for out there anyway.) Take your time. Anticipation is awesome. :)

When the time comes, definitely give notice. Give a letter to your manager, and CC the HR department, in case your manager is a little cranky and doesn't want to "accept". Then HR will know that things were done above board and properly. Give plenty of notice. Offer to work until they can get someone else on to start orienting. Offer a month. Try to appease them as much as possible.

Good luck, and I hope that things work out for you.

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You would be surprised how fast two years can go by. Take the time to establish yourself while he is establishing himself. When you get together in the same locale, things will be that much better. Best wishes.

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10 hours driving or by flight? do the long distance thing and wait it out! Also under no circumstances move without a job lined with (that where i am at, it makes you an extremely bitter resentful person) and don't speak to anyone at work about this, it makes for sticky situation while you are still there. One other thing, has he trired to find work near you? the market is different in different places. Wait it out, visit each other (refrain from being the one doing all the visiting) and see how committed you both are. Don't let your excitement cloud your judgement. we all love being in love and i wish you luck in your decision.

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