Approximately one month ago, I transferred to a new department (surgery) and am working as a circulating nurse. The SAME exact week that I began this job, I checked my facebook, and there was a "friend request" from a guy that I went to HS with almost 15 years ago.
The guy now lives in a different state, 10 hours away, and is working as a Tax Attorney. He graduated from Law school a year ago, but this is his first job as an Atty and he JUST started it a month ago. It took him a year to find a job in his state! I, however, still live in the same town that I went to HS in.
We excahnged numbers the week we "reconnected", and MY GOD, we have so much in common. We pretty much talk on the phone every night, sometimes for many hours at a time. We have only had one weekend of face-to-face contact since reconnecting, but the connection is there and we definitely want to become exclusive.
Here is where it gets complicated. He can't quit his job and move back here. He is not barred in this state and he FINALLY landed a job after a year. And getting a job as an Atty is not easy if you don't have the experience. He would like to put in at least 2 years with his current firm. At minimum. After 2 years, after he's proved himself to the firm, they will likely make him a "partner" - and that is when his job will become more lucrative.
He feels bad, because that means it's up to me to make the move and this is a sticky situation. My job is putting me through SIX months of orientation. I am one month into it. And I don't want to move there now. In fact, I want to date him (long distance) for another 6 -9 months before I move. But if I wait that long, my orientation will just be over with. I can't do that to my employer!! My friends are telling me to move there sooner than six months. He is coming down here every weekend in Oct just to see me, so my friends think that I should move in November. Arrgh. I am "ok" with moving there in November because I really think this dude and I are going to make it, but still, if I move at the beginning in November, I will be 3 months into my orientation. Do you think this is going to upset my employer? What should I do? I can't talk to my employer about this because they will let me go right away. Even if I wait a year, I will still feel bad, because I will only be 6 months out of orientation. I "heard" that they frown upon anyone who leaves before 18 months!
I should add, I am 32, never married no kids and the same goes for him. I really want kids, but my bio clock is ticking! We are both really, super, excited to have found each other and we can't wait to see where things go. Both of us are a little scared the the LDR is going to get old, and it probably will. We SOOO don't want that to happen, so it's like, this move SHOULD take place sooner rather than later. But I'm so scared of doing something so unprofessional. I burned some bridges in my past as a new nurse, and I don't want to do that now. Sigh,
I agree with all the posters who advise a "wait and see" period. Unless you can find a post that suits you in your bf's area, and if you feel you could continue living and working there even if it doesn't work out with him, stay where you are for the 2 years.
be very careful not to let your bio clock do the thinking for you.
While I am not saying that a quick decision is for everyone, sometimes, you just "know" I met my husband on March 14, 1992, we got engaged on March 21, 1992 and married Oct. 24, 1992. We will celebrate 18 years this October. Sometimes you have to go with your gut. That said, I would visit first and attempt to find a job in his city before making the leap.
Well, it's probably not what you'll want to hear, but I tend to agree with those advising that you try to tough out the long distance relationship. It's not easy, but uprooting your life for a monthlong relationship (especially in this economy, where employers aren't exactly fighting for you to honor them with your presence) simply isn't wise. Throw in irritating your current employer to the point of giving you an unfavorable reference by ditching out on a lengthy orientation process, and you have the potential for real trouble. That doesn't mean things won't work out if you take the plunge - it just means the odds probably aren't in your favor.
If each of you REALLY believes you've found some who is (or has major potential to be) "the one," then start tackling the big scary topics if you haven't already done so. Money - do you spend freely or save a lot? How's your credit? How's his? How much does good credit mean to each of you? I know it sounds stupid, but this topic starts a lot of fights, so don't avoid it or put it off till later if you're dead set on getting serious quickly. How about kids? You seem pretty worried about having them soon - does he feel the same way? How many kids? What if he wants a five-kid family? Does he envision his spouse staying at home with the kids? Do you envision yourself staying at home with the kids for a while or even permanently? And if talking about this sort of thing freaks either of you out, even though you're being asked to relocate from a new job in your quite demanding and competitive field to a brand new place and no job - well, that ought to give you some perspective.
When you click with someone, it is a wonderful, overwhelming feeling. When my now-husband and I got together, we knew right away what we had was special. However, it took us two years to go from starting to date to married, with a year of living together before we married. That doesn't mean that's what you should do; I'm bringing it up because I think I have some rough idea of how you're feeling. My husband and I went through some extremely tough events before we ended up married. None of it mattered - we were just right, and that gave us strength. But I'm honestly glad we took the pace we did, because it gave us time to adjust to a new way of life and it confirmed for us that this really was right and that we could handle whatever life threw at us. Giving your relationship time to blossom naturally instead of trying to force-grow it could be the way to go, but you're the only one who really knows the answer.
Approximately one month ago, I transferred to a new department (surgery) and am working as a circulating nurse. The SAME exact week that I began this job, I checked my facebook, and there was a "friend request" from a guy that I went to HS with almost 15 years ago.
The guy now lives in a different state, 10 hours away, and is working as a Tax Attorney. He graduated from Law school a year ago, but this is his first job as an Atty and he JUST started it a month ago. It took him a year to find a job in his state! I, however, still live in the same town that I went to HS in.
We excahnged numbers the week we "reconnected", and MY GOD, we have so much in common. We pretty much talk on the phone every night, sometimes for many hours at a time. We have only had one weekend of face-to-face contact since reconnecting, but the connection is there and we definitely want to become exclusive.
Here is where it gets complicated. He can't quit his job and move back here. He is not barred in this state and he FINALLY landed a job after a year. And getting a job as an Atty is not easy if you don't have the experience. He would like to put in at least 2 years with his current firm. At minimum. After 2 years, after he's proved himself to the firm, they will likely make him a "partner" - and that is when his job will become more lucrative.
He feels bad, because that means it's up to me to make the move and this is a sticky situation. My job is putting me through SIX months of orientation. I am one month into it. And I don't want to move there now. In fact, I want to date him (long distance) for another 6 -9 months before I move. But if I wait that long, my orientation will just be over with. I can't do that to my employer!! My friends are telling me to move there sooner than six months. He is coming down here every weekend in Oct just to see me, so my friends think that I should move in November. Arrgh. I am "ok" with moving there in November because I really think this dude and I are going to make it, but still, if I move at the beginning in November, I will be 3 months into my orientation. Do you think this is going to upset my employer? What should I do? I can't talk to my employer about this because they will let me go right away. Even if I wait a year, I will still feel bad, because I will only be 6 months out of orientation. I "heard" that they frown upon anyone who leaves before 18 months!
I should add, I am 32, never married no kids and the same goes for him. I really want kids, but my bio clock is ticking! We are both really, super, excited to have found each other and we can't wait to see where things go. Both of us are a little scared the the LDR is going to get old, and it probably will. We SOOO don't want that to happen, so it's like, this move SHOULD take place sooner rather than later. But I'm so scared of doing something so unprofessional. I burned some bridges in my past as a new nurse, and I don't want to do that now. Sigh,
Please advice.
If you were 22 and not 32, I would be right there with everyone else.....giving it some thought, I probably would stay in your job for at least a year, nurturing the relationship however possible. Long distant marriage is possible (though not recommended!) if it comes to that. A trip to the gyno might be in order to see how things are in that department...that answer may change your whole schedule. And definetly have those discussions mentioned, about money and kids and everything else...that in it self will take a while. Good old fashioned letter writing may be a good idea, also.
graduated from college-had a RN job as a new grad-met my now husband one month after graduation. He lived in town for 3 months and then moved. We had a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 years before we were married.
It CAN work.....
You have been with this guy for one month. I understand that you are 32 and your "clock is ticking". What if he isn't the one and you get married quickly and have children quickly and then realize that he really is a creep (this is a worst case scenario).
OK...you have enough advice about the relationship, so I will skip that. My question is: Is the OR your dream job or a necessary stepping stone to your dream job? Why did you leave the last department? Did you dislike what you were doing before?
Consider in the move that you may not get back into an OR position because you don't really have experience. Are you OK with working something else in nursing? Do you NEED the OR experience to get to the dream job?
If you need the OR experience, then I would say stay for the 2 years. Seems like forever, but anticipating seeing him, getting to know each other over the phone, emails, etc. can actually help the relationship. OR it will let you know that he isn't the one and you haven't thrown everything away. I would not do anything hasty and end up resenting him because you have difficulty finding a job or getting back into a field you want to work in.
Try waiting for a little while. I met my current fiance online, he lived 3 hours away from me. As he was in college, I was the one who had to move. We were together for almost a year before I relocated. I really think that if you wait a little longer before moving closer, that your relationship will get stronger and you'll be happier. my 2 cents.
GHGoonette, BSN, RN
1,249 Posts
I agree with all the posters who advise a "wait and see" period. Unless you can find a post that suits you in your bf's area, and if you feel you could continue living and working there even if it doesn't work out with him, stay where you are for the 2 years.
be very careful not to let your bio clock do the thinking for you.