I need personal advice

[vlada'smom]

I have been regular lurker(sp.?) on this board. I enjoy reading the discussions and was able to learn a great deal about nursing, but most of all found you valuable source of support for each other not only in the nursing but in any other aspect of life. And here I am need an advice about personal matter. I apologize if my post will be long and boring and for my English. ( I'm a "old" new comer, it's been 7 years since we came to America and I'm still learning).

I am a 31 year old SAHM with 2 wonderful girls (6 and almost 3). We came to America through working visa from my husband work as I mentioned 7 years ago. My husband is a software Engineer so he earns enough money for us to live comfortably on just his income.

He is a wonderful father to the girls, devote 100 % of his time to them when he's home and a wouldn't be far from truth if I say that if my girls would ask for a moon or a star, he will turn the Earth upside down and get it for them.

I guess there is the trouble in the paradise. I have been thinking about leaving my husband due to his anger problem It so easy to anger him, a dirty plate in the sink, a stuck of towels that not folded in the right way, light that wasn't turn off., of course the shopping, I can go on and on. It's not that he is angry all the time, it's like the cycle everything is okay, then his tension will grow and he's becoming more and more agitated and then there is outburst of his anger episodes, and everything is okay for a while, until the next time. He never hit, but the things that he does humiliate me every time. He would take all credit cards, money, block the computer with the password, take the car keys not to mention his belittelings( I'm lucky the school where my 6 year old going to is in 5 walking minutes from home).

I tried to leave couple of times. First time was in 2001. Being home for 2 and a half years (wasn't permitted to work) , I was able to learn programming language all by my self, read books on software testing and finally found a job as a software tester shortly after I got my employment authorization. I liked the job and it paid $60,000 a year, I was getting ready to leave. Only that after 5 weeks of working I was layed off due to my company downsizing. That was in 2001. when Silicon Valley computer industry was just beginning the downhill roll. To make the story short I didn't find a job after, every ware needed computer science degree. Working then I was stronger and I was able to insist to go to college for computer science. That semester I took 20 units included calculus, programming fundamentals, English. Ended up with GPA 4.00 ( sorry couldn't help my self not to show off, I'm holding to this GPA as a last straw to remember that I am not dumb! You hear it so many times, you start to believe it.). I gave up after one semester. The home demands and his anger because I took time to study instead of doing the housework. The all 4 month I heard that what we are doing in the school is a children play and I don't have the brain complete the degree. And I was pregnant with our second child. I gave up.

I'm not sorry for not going trough with computer science. I try to look about time that I took from college as an opportunity to be with my kids. There are the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm thankful for the time with them. They are little for so little time. I'm also thankful for not going trough with computer science because I realized ( I know that i could have thought about this earlier, or so I told by the hubby ) that computer science is not at all what I want to do. You know the instability, long hours for being a mother, the topic was covered extensively on this board. I began to think about careers that would also allow me to be a mother, a single mother. I arrived to 2 choices: Special education teacher or Nursing. I was exploring allnurses.com, read about the profession and got scared of the responsibility for human life that nursing job entitles. So I decided to go with special education.

So last year, I tried to leave again. I found a job as a special education aide in severe disability class. It wasn't easy, but I was able to bond with those kids and enjoyed them. After another episode of anger, when my husband took my cards, money, cell phone and the car key and I was working now, I had to call my friend to bring me to the work. I had enough. I went to the lawyer, on his advise took money from our account ( half from what we had) and told him that I had enough, I want to leave.

He begged that he will try to change. He said that he loves the girls so much, he will do anything for them. And I believed him. I maid another 2 mistakes. I left the job and after 3 month of him begging I gave the money back. Things were good for a while and I so wanted to believe that he wants to work things out. SO here we are 3 more month and things exactly the way they were, with no money , no phone.

If you still reading my story thank you for bearing with me.

I changed my mind about special education. Again !. The school here in California are going trough rough times. Teachers are being layed off too. Here goes the stability again. After reading and thinking about nursing for a couple of last month,I decided that Nursing would better suit my family needs. And if I need to work hard for it so be it. I just hope that I will have enough competence and assertiveness to be a good nurse. I'm not trying to open a discussion whether I should be or nurse or not , it is part of my story. I know computer science, special education, now nursing, I seem to change my mind a lot.

I registered to start prerequisites in the community college, I also so much want to leave.

I afraid that if I do it in unplanned way, things will turn against me. I hear so many stories about women loosing their kids and everything else.

SO here are my questions (that is if you still here)

DO you think that it is realistic for me to be able to leave if I will only get part time job so I can get started with school right away?( I mean going for nursing assistant training program in the fall and starting chem. Biology in spring)?. I also will take out loans. After C N A class work 2 shifts a week plus every other weekend and go to school.. DO you think that my having a temp job in the beginning will affect custody of my children.? The last thing that I want is find my self loosing them ( I know that this is a lawyer kind of question, wanted your opinion on this)

Or do you think that I should get a temporary full time position to be able to get trough transition time more smoothly and showing that I can support my self and then continue with my plan to pursue nursing with part time C N A position. I afraid that this scenario will affect child support letter that I will need to get through nursing school

Thank you so much for taking your time to read my story.

[renerian, BSN, RN]

First let me say I am sorry for your situation. It is hard to get out of a controlling relationship. If you want out I would do anything to do it....

Life is so short to be miserable and under someone's thumb.

renerian

[carolinapooh, BSN, RN]

I am not qualified to answer your questions; I just wanted you to know that I'm behind you one hundred percent of the way. I left a physically/emotionally abusive fiance in 1995 so I know what that's like - but of course I didn't have children and we weren't married, so there wasn't really a legal issue.

Please keep us posted; I feel certain someone will be able to point you in the right direction. I agree you need to leave, but you definitely need some guidance in the best way to do that. Could you contact a family lawyer? I know in most cases the initial consult is either free or very inexpensive.

That's all I know to say. But please hang in there; you sound very driven and intelligent (the A in Calc is blowing me away)!

Again - please keep us posted. You're in my prayers.

[leopold]

I'm very sorry for your situation. I went through something similar. You may have already made up your mind about this but you mentioned a word in your post that sent up a red flag for me: cycle. What you are describing may just be an abusive situation but it may be related to bipolar or some other psychological condition. Is there any way you can talk to a mental health professional about this or get him to? Just my two cents.

[z's playa]

Oh my. :icon_hug: Your situation sounds horrid ! Many things about your post concern me and send off warning bells in my head. The first is the fact that he tries to control you, the second that he hasn't hit you...yet, and you also mentioned the word 'cycle' yourself. It sounds to me like you are aware that its a vicious cycle and you want out.

Great ! Awesome ! Go ! Now !

But I know it isn't that easy.

Im a survivor of an abusive home situation as well.

It won't be just the keys or the money or the credit cards in the end that will be used to control you. It will be your kids.

You need to get to lawyer ASAP (as soon as possible).

I admire your courage and your drive to become an independant person. Don't let him drag you back with more empty promises. As much as you want to believe him......don't.

This is an awesome place to receive support but I can't stress enough the need for you to get guidance from a lawyer and a social worker if you can.

Your questions are too difficult to answer. Too much at stake here. To stay in the home and pursue school ..well are you in danger? Can you do that? Are you sure he won;'t turn to violence?

If you can...I would get the job. But then will he make it impossible for you to go to work the way he did before?

It all comes down to leaving.

But that's just me.

Let us know somehow.

Good luck.

Z

PS This may be moved to the Break Room but you can PM me if you need to chat.

[dettwiller5]

I was also in a similar situation with my ex husband- I finally left im in 1998. Luckily, I had family one state away to help me while I wsa getting on my feet. Do you have family tht you can return to? My heart goes out to you- I know how torn you must be. Let us know what happens.

[Butterfly3001]

Let me first say my hats off to you for being so determined. I know being in a relationship is hard especailly when he pulls all the weight(finacially) and he's doing that to be in control. It seems like he wants to dominate you and just wants you to be at home taking care of the kids, which is fine if you want to do that, but you dont. Another thing is his anger issues thats not safe for you or your children. You said that when he asked you back he ONLY said that he loved the GIRLS and would do anything for them, well my question would've been okay and what about us what are you willing to do for us? Like everyone else said speak with a professional lawyer and a social worker is a great idea also. I'm praying for you and stay strong.

[live4today, RN]

((((((vlada'smom)))))) :icon_hug: wish i could be there to give you a hug in person. you sound like you could use one. bless your heart. you are going through things that you should not have to deal with and i think i may be able to give you some helpful tips on how to protect yourself from your husband's cyclic outbursts. he is abusing you big time. abuse comes in all forms, not just physical but emotional, sexual, and mental.

find out if there are any wife abuse shelters in your city or town, call them up and ask for help from them. they can give you contact numbers of social workers who work for the state who can help you. they can give you advice on obtaining a restraining order if you ever need one.

make an appointment with your doctor (any doctor you go to) and share with the doctor your fears about your husband's abusive temper. the docs know places or professionals you can contact for help also.

there are toll free abuse hotlines you can call that can guide you to the proper resources for assistance. if you have to you can always go talk to a police officer at the station, and get their advice.

is your husband opposed to counseling? if not, find one. what about your pastor or priest? can you talk to him/her about things?

call any hospital in your area, ask for their social service department, and ask one of the social workers in that department for contact information that could lead you to someone who can assist you.

if your husband locks the computer, go to your local library and use one of their computers while he is at work. it's free to use the library computer.

keep us posted. we do care what happens to you and your children. :)

[GrnHonu99, RN]

Im so sorry you are in this situation. I know how horrifying it can be! Dont forget, just becuase there is no violence does not mean there is no absuse in your household! Emotional abuse can be even more detrimental at times than physical abuse! You husband has some serious issues...just remember be safe! It sounds like your husbands anger is escalating. I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer you a shoulder to cry on if you need to! You can always PM me! But please, please, be careful! You can do anything you set your mind to and remember no matter what he tells you, you are NOT stupid!:):):)

[nicuRN2007]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about 4 years. Luckily we weren't married though, so it wasn't as hard for me to leave once I got the courage up to do so. I would imagine that it's 10 times harder for you though, since you are not in your home country, and you probably have no other family here. And judging by the way your husband treats you, I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar that you don't have any friends here either. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. No woman should have to go through what you are going through. It's scary how controling your husband is. And the worst part is that it's only going to get worse. I bet he didn't start out the way he is now, did he? Also, some may disagree with me here, but I believe it is almost impossible for people like this to change. He may say that he will change to bring you and your kids back, and he may even believe it himself, but eventually things will fall back into place, the way they were. I'm so sorry that I am being so negative. I just am speaking from experience. I was controlled and made to feel like I was stupid just like you are. I totally understand your telling us about your 4.0. That's AWESOME! And getting that while taking 20 semester hours...wow. Not too many people can do that. Anyway, I always found myself trying to defend my intelligence around my ex-boyfriend, of course...he would only strike back with more put downs. I can't tell you how low my self-esteme was when we broke up. I can honestly tell that you are a very strong and intelligent woman though. I admire you. You want to do the right thing for your kids. You want to get an education, although I'm sure your husband doesn't want you to because that would give you too much independence. I don't really have any legal advice for you...I guess I could wake my husband who is in law school up and ask him. Just kidding, he wouldn't know what to tell you either. I'm just writing to hopefully give you some courage. I don't want you to trapped in that relationship. I hope you will find a way to get away. I'll be praying for you. You are a smart lady...you can do it.

[ZASHAGALKA, RN]

Go find your nearest woman's shelter. NOW.

They can help you get an atty. And if he controls the finances, the atty can get HIM to ultimately pay for the fees. But most importantly, the atty can get temporary orders requiring him to pay you support. That's the quickest way to get on your feet.

Take the girls with you. 90% of all custody cases are decided by who has the kids when the split occurs.

If you really truly want to get out - and you aren't prepared to take the big impassioned 'i'm sorry, things will be different' routine - then you can do it.

~keep the faith,

Timothy.

[dream2nurse]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can only imagine how tough it must be for you. I also live in the Bay Area, specifically the south bay. I work for a local nonprofit and want to recommend a local agency that you can call:

Inn Vision (Women's shelter, mother's with children welcome)

[phone]

You can call and just talk to someone... no obligations. They are trained professionals and will be able to give you some good advice. I would advise that this be your first step - you need to take care of yourself and your children first.

As far as school goes, in California there is so much $$ available to students. I can tell you my situation... I am starting an ADN program in the Fall. First make sure you fill out the FASA, ASAP! I was able to get my tuition waived through the California Board of Governors Fee Waiver, which considering how much I made last year I was very surprised to get! As far as financial aid goes, I was only able to get a $5k student loan for my first year but that was because my income and the fact that I have a bachelor's degree.

I hope this information helps. If you ever need anything more please PM me. As a native Bay Arean I would like to think I know a lot about what community and educational resources are available to you. I also encourage you to pursue your education - it is a huge step towards independence and freedom!