Actually, I lost all respect for two colleagues today. One is a brand new grad, about 21 or 22 and gorgeous in one of those fresh, "girl next door" ways. She gets her scrubs tailored so they fit her just so, her hair is long, shiny and falls in loose lustrous waves. She could be a model, so we'll call her Heidi. The other is a married neurosurgery fellow, whose wife is pregnant with his first child. We'll call him Dr. Dick, or just Dick.
Heidi didn't do anything to seriously endanger a patient: she didn't slam in Lasix, for example, or trickle in Adenosine. She didn't miss a run of VT (although, to be fair, the Clin Tech noticed it first and pointed it out to Heidi). She didn't ignore post-op pain or bleeding, and she wasn't the one sitting at the computer at the nurse's station, headphones on and watching a hockey game while ignoring monitor alarms and call bells. Nevertheless, I've completely lost respect for her.
It was a slow night for a Friday night -- half of our surgeons were out of town for a conference and of the remaining four, one just lost his mother and isn't back from the funeral in Asia. There's a new sushi restaurant near the hospital, and they deliver if you can put together a lucrative-enough order. The folks I work with are crazy about sushi and even the Respiratory Therapists and the X-ray techs were ordering $20 worth of sushi.
We were all sitting in the back -- well, not ALL of us. Half of us were sitting in the back, having drawn the long straw and were enjoying our sushi while the other half watched all of the patients. Heidi was sitting next to Dick, something that really didn't register with me at the time, and Dick was regaling us all with a tale about how his wife's incredible morning sickness caused her to toss her cookies in the waste basket of a patient's hospital room while the patient described in great detail the "unusual" nature of his poop. (Only nurses -- and surgeons, RTs and X-ray techs can sit around enjoying a good meal while describing poop and someone's vomiting episodes.)
And then I went back to relieve Steve, my substation partner so he could eat his sushi. While Steve was gone, his patient's attending surgeon stopped by and asked a question I couldn't answer, so I popped into the break room to ask him about it. Both Heidi and Dick were still there, only this time they were sharing a single chair. The sexual tension was palpable, and Steve looked thrilled to be interrupted. He shot out of the room as though he'd been fired from a cannon.
Heidi, it seems, has been sleeping with Dick since her arrival on our unit in July. She knows all about the pregnant wife . . .
Heidi may be a good clinician one day, she may be a compassionate and caring nurse. She may be a hard worker. But I will never again respect a woman who could sleep with a married man, a man whose wife is pregnant with their child and who is a sometimes-colleague on a consulting service. And the fact that they made no attempt to be discreet makes them even more contemptible. I've lived through the drama on a unit when an affair goes bad, witnessed a famously and flagrantly unfaithful surgeon's wife storm into the ICU demanding "which one of you ugly ******* is ******* my husband?" and making a good attempt to castrate the man in question. I've seen the aftermath of the DON being found going at it with the Medical Director of Emergency Medicine and I've lived through more nurses breaking up with doctors on our service than I can even remember. I've been the cheated-upon, and it was more painful than even I can describe. Why would you put someone else through that deliberately?
Keep it out of work, people. And if you cannot do that, at least be discreet.
I guess I don't really understand why Heidi seems to have taken the brunt of your disdain and disgust. Heidi is not the one who broke any vows. Heidi does not know Mrs. Dick, Mr. Dick is the bigger ******* here.
Not saying Heidi is incredibly foolish. But she's also 22. She doesn't have the life experience to think about a family being torn apart. DICK DOES.
They should both have your disdain. But Dick should have a far greater part of it than Heidi should. She's not the "homewrecker" here - HE is.
Heidi possibly does know Mrs. Dick, since Dr. Dick told the story about his wife puking in a patient's wastebasket when the patient described his BM to her, indicating that Mrs. Dick is possibly a nurse or other type of healthcare provider, although perhaps not at the same facility.
Regardless, Dr. Dick was discussing his pregnant wife and her morning sickness in front of the OP's co-workers, including Heidi, so even if Heidi does not know Mrs. Dick, she knows about Mrs. Dick.
So Heidi didn't break any personal vows, but still...she is allegedly sleeping with a man who she knows is married and expecting a child with his wife. That makes BOTH Heidi and Dr. Dick homewrecking you-know-whats, not just him, and being 22 is certainly no excuse for being amoral. You don't have to have years of "life experience" to understand that sleeping with a married man is wrong and will quite possibly destroy his marriage and, ultimately, the life of this innocent, unborn child.
They are both acting like selfish pigs, quite frankly, and the only ones who deserve any sympathy are his wife and unborn child. If Heidi ultimately "wins", she will be the loser, as men like this almost always do it again and again, once they get bored with their latest conquest.
And here's a possibility no one seems to have considered thus far: Mrs Dick knows about Heidi, and is okay with it (or possibly even in a relationship with her as well).
I know polyamory isn't really as well-known right now as other non-heteronormative relationships, but there are plenty of people who live quite happily in a "two or more" situation. Walking in on two people sharing a chair isn't exactly an in-depth discussion about everyone's romantic history and what their partners know or don't know.
All that said -- it's still not a good idea to date your co-workers. But to be honest, you seemed to have leapt from "she was sitting on his lap" to "they've been sleeping together for months" without much information. Plenty of info about sushi, not a lot about why you think they've been boinking. It seems like your history with a cheating partner has led you to jump to some conclusions.
Guys -- you must always follow the Golden Rule of Workplace Relationships: "Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff".
They should have this posted in the on call room, break rooms, empty rooms in the basements, supply rooms.. you know all of the hook up hot spots..
I think it's disgusting the way people carry on at work. Regardless if they are cheating on a spouse or not. I do get falling for someone at work, as for many (especially interns/residents) they spend more time at work than they do anywhere else. However, with this being said.. don't be doing it at work and for god sakes be discrete.
Just as I didn’t think that the nurse’s physical appearance was relevant in the recent thread about the ICU “bully”, I don’t think that the nurses looks is relevant in this case either. Again, it’s a question of behavior people display and the actions they take, not how they happen to look on the outside.
I have no way of knowing with any certainty if these two are having an affair or not. If they are, it’s always been my opinion that the majority of blame belongs to the person who is involved in a relationship. To me “the other” person is more of a footnote. If a person is going to cheat on their partner, to me it’s inconsequential if it’s with person A, B or C. They’ll find a way to do it anyway. If A (in this case Heidi) declines the advances then there will surely be a B or a C for the good doctor to focus his amorous attentions on. Heidi, no matter how beautiful she might be, couldn’t seduce him unless he was a willing participant.
There’s also the question of the dynamics and power balance in this relationship. One party is very young and new in their professional role, the other I assume significantly older and secure in their professional role. If I were inclined to judge anybody, I would assign blame on the one with more life and professional experience.
I know of several persons who live in very “open” relationships. Affairs are the norm for them and both persons in the relationship are on the same page. You never know what rules others have set up in their relationships. In this particular case I assume we don’t know what Mrs. Dick does in her private life either? Maybe she is being betrayed in a callous way by her husband or maybe she’s aware and for whatever reason accepts it. Perhaps she even has affairs of her own. You never really know what other people do behind closed doors.
I do agree though that intimate relationships (whether they are long-term committed ones or temporary flings) are best kept out of the workplace. There are just too many possibilities that the publicly displayed relationship has a negative impact on the work environment. It’s always better to be discreet and keep things private in my opinion.
Regarding the question of feeling respect for another person, to me that’s a complex issue. One single fact like having a relationship with someone who is otherwise engaged, probably wouldn’t in itself be enough for me to lose respect for that person. I might not feel that they make the best choices in life, but if that person was also hard-working, proficient at their job, a good friend, generous, loyal, caring, smart, fun-loving or have any number of qualities that I appreciate, I could probably respect them just fine. Just as I would likely have little or no respect for someone who is ever so “morally upstanding” but is mean, selfish, sloppy and a lazy worker. All of our personalities and characters are the sum of many parts. Few of us have only perfect parts, there is usually one or two warts included in the package :)
That said, I realize that it’s very individual as to what specific character flaws or behavior that we are willing and able to tolerate and overlook and which ones we consider deal-breakers. Personally I don’t feel that a 21-year-old showing poor judgment is the end of the world but I understand that others may feel differently.
When they're both on the same chair and the sexual tension is obvious, as described, I think we're beyond assumption. Come on, we're all adults here. We know fooling around when we see it. Yeesh.
It's funny how those of us who favor more traditional morality regarding sexual behavior get written off as blind, stupid, oppressive, whatever.....yet if everyone subscribed to those ideas, it sure would make things a lot simpler, wouldn't it?
When they're both on the same chair and the sexual tension is obvious, as described, I think we're beyond assumption. Come on, we're all adults here. We know fooling around when we see it. Yeesh.
It's funny how those of us who favor more traditional morality regarding sexual behavior get written off as blind, stupid, oppressive, whatever.....yet if everyone subscribed to those ideas, it sure would make things a lot simpler, wouldn't it?
I don't think anyone said anything of the sort. People mentioned the possibility of a poly relationship. No one said everybody should engage in poly relationships. Nobody said it's a-ok to get it on at work.
I do take issue, however, with directing disproportionate hate to the person that a) isn't married and b) is in a lower power position due to age, experience, and hierarchy. All because she's the woman and because op considers her to be vain, I guess. She has bad judgement and is most likely a selfish person, but for all op knows Dick could be pressuring her into this too.
Like the story about the three women finding about each other and attacking each other- why on earth didn't they gang up on HIM?? He was the obvious real scumbag in the situation.
They should have this posted in the on call room, break rooms, empty rooms in the basements, supply rooms.. you know all of the hook up hot spots.. 
emtb2rn, BSN, RN, EMT-B
2,942 Posts
If someone in this story needs to be tuned up, it's dr dick.