I just want to be a stay at home mom!

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So I am in my final semester of nursing school. I am a mother of five and have been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years. I am dreading becoming a nurse. I want to help provide for my family but The transition to becoming a nurse makes me so sad. I am remarried to a man who is not the best with my children and I am so afraid that my kids will now be losing their only sense of security. Sadly, their real father has been out of their lives for five years. I love caring for people and comforting them, but a lot of things about nursing scare me. Like me making mistakes, not being organized, and messing up. Honestly I wanted to quit nursing school in the first semester but I kept going because I did not want to quit before I gave it a fair chance. I am on night shift for my practicum and the hours are killing me. Any advice is welcome! I want to feel great about becoming a nurse and I do not even feel excited. Is this normal?

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
I think we need some more details before we can pass judgment on the OP's marriage and advise her she should be getting divorced. The only thing she stated was that he, is not the best with my children.” It's wrong to jump to the conclusion that the relationship is unhealthy or harmful without knowing what that statement means.

You're right, of course. But it is stupid to stay with someone who makes you feel bad.

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Specializes in PICU, Sedation/Radiology, PACU.
You're right, of course. But it is stupid to stay with someone who makes you feel bad.

Agreed. My point was that the OP never said her husband makes her feel bad.

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To play devil's advocate because I do not know the OP or her husband, you should see what "is not the best" really means. My best friends mother told him that the reason that his father did not show up to his little league games is because he didn't love him, when in truth the man worked 65 hours a week to support the family because the mother was a stay at home mom.

Like I said, I don't know the OP or her husband; so I am accusing no one of anything. However I do think it is awfully sexist to assume the male is the bad guy when the only thing that was stated was "he's not the best".

But to the greater point I agree with most here. Become and RN and than you have more options. Than if you want to stay in your marriage you can, if you don't want to than you can leave. I am kind of getting the vibe you want the nuclear family thing, and with that I don't know what to tell you. If you leave there is no stay at home mom thing, you have to work.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, LTACH, LTC, Home Health.

I agree that without details, we should not rush to judgment of the husband. We know how kids can sometimes become resentful and manipulative and play one parent against the other, especially after a divorce. In that situation, a woman will take the word of her kids over a husband almost every single time, whether it's a biological dad or not.

As a divorcee for every license/degree I hold, I've seen my own kids 'try' to play this very game...not saying that the OP's kids are. But "not the best with the kids" could simply mean that he is not able to get down on the floor to play with them because of a bad back, or he could be an older gentleman who is not into Wii-games or X-box, or not even computer savvy-enough to help with the homework. But give him a hammer and nails and an old pick-up, and he could be father-of-the-year when it comes to providing for his family. He can't be all bad if he married a woman with five kids and is paying the bills while she completes a nursing degree so that she "can help provide for her family". This leaves me to assume she has not even a part-time job. I think the OP is simply having some issues adjusting to life outside of the home and kids....that's all she's known for 10 years.

I agree that if there is abuse, even emotional, then of course, she should leave first and worry about school later on. But I read nothing to that affect in her post. If the kids are just accustomed to mom being at their every beck and call (or is it beckon call?:bookworm:), then it's time she showed them what 'else' parents have to do to take care of their kids, and continue on with the degree. After all, she's almost done anyway. Why stop now?

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Specializes in IDD, and private duty.

I'm sure I will be unpopular for saying this, but why would you even DATE someone who wasn't good to your kids, much less marry that person? There has to be red flags long before you got serious with this man. It doesn't matter how much YOU like someone if they treat your kids poorly. I would think that should be the FIRST consideration when deciding to get into a relationship if you are a parent. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but considering my own upbringing, this is a touchy subject for me. My own mother's only requirement when choosing a mate (she was married 5 times), was whether or not the prospective husband would support her so she wouldn't have to work. As long as that criteria was met, nothing else mattered. I can't imagine even casually dating a person who wasn't a good fit for my kids. The initial mistake has already been made, so now all you can do is get a job asap and make things right for your kids.

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I'm sure I will be unpopular for saying this, but why would you even DATE someone who wasn't good to your kids, much less marry that person? There has to be red flags long before you got serious with this man. It doesn't matter how much YOU like someone if they treat your kids poorly. I would think that should be the FIRST consideration when deciding to get into a relationship if you are a parent. I don't mean to sound judgemental, but considering my own upbringing, this is a touchy subject for me. My own mother's only requirement when choosing a mate (she was married 5 times), was whether or not the prospective husband would support her so she wouldn't have to work. As long as that criteria was met, nothing else mattered. I can't imagine even casually dating a person who wasn't a good fit for my kids. The initial mistake has already been made, so now all you can do is get a job asap and make things right for your kids.

You and I must be siblings. I had the same experiences. I'm not judging you.

When you are divorced, have 5 kids, and their bio-dad is a flake, the best thing for your kids would be to stay single. In my opinion.

Why let them get attached to someone else when the odds for 2nd marriages with kids are abysmal?

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Specializes in Maternal - Child Health.

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Specializes in Nephrology Home Therapies, Wound Care, Foot Care..

I'll apologize in advance if this offends anyone, it's not my intent. But why in the world are you married to a man you know isn't "the best" with your kids? Your kids are more important than anything and everything. My vote is to get through school, get the heck outta that marriage, find good childcare, and find a job that works for your family. In that order. Please- for your kids and yourself. My two cents.

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Specializes in Pediatric Critical Care.
We know how kids can sometimes become resentful and manipulative and play one parent against the other, especially after a divorce. In that situation, a woman will take the word of her kids over a husband almost every single time, whether it's a biological dad or not.

Nothing was done when I told my mother that I was being molested, because she took his word over mine. It wasn't a manipulation scheme.

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Without getting involved in your family dynamics, the important thing to consider here is your ability to provide should you ever find yourself on your own. I have two friends that were stay at home moms with wonderful husbands. Life was wonderful and their marriages are great. However, one now has a husband that is dying of cancer and the other has a husband that has been diagnosed with a progressive disease that caused him to lose his job. Both women are now in the position of having to be the bread winner. Both are now struggling with either quickly going back to school and/or somehow finding a decent job without the benefit of a college education. It is heart breaking to see the struggle their families are going through. Finish nursing school, become an RN, and work even per diem/PRN somewhere to at least get some experience if you don't want to go full-time right now. Know that you can work full time if you ever need to do so. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

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So, I have not read all of the comments to your question yet.. and I am not trying to diagnose you.. but you do sound a lot like me when I was struggling with post postpartum depression. Do you think that there is a chance that you may be struggling a bit with depression or separation anxiety?

I am a stay at home mom too and have experienced something similar. About 1-2 years ago I had gotten a good paying CNA job and quit because I could not deal with separating from my baby. I had turned down the opportunity to attend the nursing school I'd busted my butt to get into. I was out of my mind. And guess what? I regretted it and re-applied and I'm now biting my nails hoping to get into the same program I'd once rejected. Honestly, I don't think I was ready at that time to pursue my dream, I still had some growing to do.

What have I been doing the last year or two? I have spent the last year working toward a Masters degree in business and I hate the program- I love and miss the challenge that nursing offers {side note- when I got my epidural the doctor asked what I did blah blah told him going to school for masters in business at a well known university but hate it and am going back into nursing, hoping to get into the program again- he said "oh so you're a smart one then" and kept repeating himself until I looked at the nurse wide eyed and said "are you kidding me? nursing is waaaaaay more difficult, challenging, valuable, and gratifying than business school ever was or ever can be" wtf. I mean seriously? You can ******** your way through business school- but not nursing school, not nclex, and not the nursing profession dr. I can think of a billion inappropriate words to call.. but not too many because he's sticking a gigantic needle into my spine. then the nurse and i agreed he was a d-bag when he left the room. rant over}.

Back on point, I quit smoking, started, eating right, and implemented exercise into my daily routine and have started mentally feeling better than I have in ages. I'm also taking something that helps regulate my serotonin levels. I've come to terms with my strengths and weaknesses and am "growing up." I got married, have been in 3 weddings, I'm now raising a toddler, had a second pregnancy, and gave birth to my second son. I have somehow come out of the fog and want to be out of the house.. I want a break from the never ending demands of my children, husband, etc. (sorry kids). And yes, my husband is their dad.. but he's not me, he's not a SAHM and he can't handle the kids, dogs, fish, and house like I do (lol because I'm an OCD control freak and no one will do things the same as I do). I mean you've built a routine at home and you're used to it - it really takes time to transition into a new solid routine. And guess what? There are tons of working mothers who feel guilty for not being at home.. I feel like it's something people don't tell girls who are transitioning into womanhood "hey girl, one day you will work out of the home and want nothing more than to be next to your children- even it it's just wiping spit up from your baby's cheek- your soul will be longing for home while you're stuck at work waiting hand and foot on other needy people and co-workes who show no appreciation whatsoever."

My advice: Sit down and talk with your kids. Let them know how much you love them and that you are there for them- regardless if you're working outside of the home or not. Tell them that they have the right to call/ text you in case of emergency and that you urge them to do so.

While I do urge you to step outside of your comfort zone and form a new routine- so you don't regret leaving the nursing profession as I regret leaving health care. Maybe it is time to take a step back from work and work on yourself? Or maybe seek help from a psychologist or psychiatrist - who can help you to put things into perspective. Or re-evaluate if where you're currently working is in line with your values.

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The long-term security you will gain for yourself and your kids is immeasurable. You can raise a family on an RN's salary and you will no longer be dependent on someone who is 'not the best' with the people you most love and need to protect.

You are also setting an example for them.

This. Being financially independent gives you a sense of freedom. Nursing is hard, but being stuck in a bad relationship because you can't support yourself is miserable.

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