what should I do with classmate/ friend who won't study but will complain about failing?

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Oct 31, 2015

When someone constantly complains and externalizes their problems, a tactic is to ask them one important question: "What solutions do you propose for the complaints you have?"

It will get them thinking, and it shuts them up every time.

SmilingBluEyes · Oct 31, 2015

I had a classmate like this and she literally sucked the life out of me. I dropped her as a friend. She called and cried and begged me to help her, which I had already tried to do, over and over, at the cost of a couple test grades. It was my instructor who advised me to drop her as my own grades started to fail.

It was hard; I felt like poop, but ultimately, the best thing.

She did not have what it took to be a nurse; I see that now.

Cut your losses; move on ASAP.

Nature_walker, ASN, BSN, RN · Oct 31, 2015

I had someone doing this to me as well. I put it in perspective, would studying with her help both of us or my studying/grades? The answer was nope, so I put space between us. It can be so draining when you have someone who refuses to do something about their situation. You have to be slightly selfish here and remind yourself that this person will not be there to help you if the tables were turned. They also would not be able to sit for your exams. You worked hard to get where you are and remember that when it comes down to it, you and only you are the one sitting in that seat for the exams that will determine your grade, no one else is.

Good luck!

Goal_NP · Oct 31, 2015

Thank you for all your words of encouragement, I already started not replying back...and refused to do the study group...I am concentrating on my education and she will have to work hard as everyone else who put effort to get those grades...and I don't have to babysit! !

Serhilda, ADN, RN · Nov 1, 2015

Good choice. I dropped 2 people in my A&P class right now and learned it's best to wait on befriending people in class until you figure out what their study habits are lol. Always prioritize what's best for you and your schooling, not someone else's feelings.

Agarnarak · Nov 1, 2015

There are some peoples hat like to blame other for their own fault. I have classmates like that, she mad at me for doing good on my GPA. I suggestion is to forget about her and focus no your future.

SleeepyRN · Nov 1, 2015

"My point of view, Test isn't that hard if you study a lot and particle nclex questions.I have A's and B's, but lately I been getting mostly A's,since I have been pushing myself extra hard."

Say exactly that to her.

If she continues to be negative, tell her that you are needing positivity, focus and support in your life right now and that her negativism hinders your ability to cope with the demands of nursing school.

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Nov 1, 2015

You used the term friend here, so I am going off of that, although I doubt from your comments that this person is a friend of yours. Do you really base your friends off of how well they do in school, or whether they are cut out for the program? To me, you are not the friend here. A friend is somebody who accepts you for your positives and negatives and doesn't judge you.

If she is not putting forth the effort, it's not your issue. It's your job as her friend to tell her to study more. I would have included her in the study group as she obviously needs it. But only if she is your actual friend. Friends help each other. Notice I said help, not carry. You are not responsible for her grade, just to help. I think you cutting her out is wrong.

Here is what I see going on here. You've been buddies with this girl since the beginning of the semester, now your cohort is dividing up into small cliques, you've made it into a better clique because of your recent grades, and your words, not mine, you feel she is dragging you down. Dragging you down from your beloved clique and now you are dropping her because she doesn't quite meet your standards. I think it's cruel.

Isnt the dynamics of nursing school lovely? Yet you want to become a nurse who helps people from all walks of life? Will you treat the homeless and drug addicts with the same compassion as those who bring a child in who is ill? Can you treat the guy who commits the crime the same as the victim?

I would never treat someone who was a friend, and one who reached out to you for help that way. So what that she complains to you? She thinks your her friend and she is venting not expecting judgement. That's what friends do. I'm sure she knows it's her fault. First semester is quite an adjustment especially for those who are used to everything coming easily and not having to study. Now, she is reaching out and you are denying her a study group.

I dont think you are a friend. Just be honest with her, and tell her you never considered her nothing more than an aquaintance.

UnicornMagic · Nov 1, 2015

Drop her like a bad habit. You don't owe anything to anyone but yourself. Nursing school is super competitive, as you know. These classes filter out those who don't have what it takes to make it through. Most schools have tutors, learning centers, all sorts of resources available for people who need extra help. It is herjob to find these resources. It is your job to pass your classes with the highest grade possible, in order to beat the competition.

When I was learning the endocrine system, which I found to be the hardest system, I didn't sleep for like a week. I spent countless hours studying and making note cards. The day of the practical we had a big study group. One girl (a known slacker) walked in late, and was giggling to everyone that she hadn't even started studying yet. This was about an hour prior to the practical. I throw away my note cards as I learn them, because I don't want to waste my time studying material I already know. This girl had the audacity to dig in the garbage can to get the notes I worked so hard to make. Nope nope nope. I took them back from her, and left the room. Why should she benefit from my notes? Anyway, she was in a group of 4 girls who ended up cheating during that practical. Several of us ratted them out, and all of them failed.

everlongRN · Nov 1, 2015

You used the term friend here, so I am going off of that, although I doubt from your comments that this person is a friend of yours. Do you really base your friends off of how well they do in school, or whether they are cut out for the program? To me, you are not the friend here. A friend is somebody who accepts you for your positives and negatives and doesn't judge you.

I think the term 'friend' may be used loosely here. Being on the other side of this dynamic (a professor), I see students who form bonds, then I see students who are just classmates. Just like my colleagues; some are friends, but many are just co-workers. It's hard not to get close to people when you work/study in such close quarters, but it doesn't mean we are 'friends' in the true sense.

Now, I have seen actual friends (who were friends before they entered the program), where one student did well and the other did not. The one who was doing well tried her best to help her friend (I can't say for sure if the other was not putting in the work, but as her professor, I saw some red flags that made me think she was more of a 'blamer' and not owning her failure). From what I observe in passing, her friend continues to support her, despite them being on different levels now. If this were the case with the OP, then yes, I could understand people feeling like she is out of line. As much as I do enjoy seeing the support and camaraderie among my students, the bottom line is, you have to look out for number one. You would think that the OP's habits should rub off on her 'friend', but it doesn't seem to be the case yet. Sometimes it takes a dip to Rock Bottom for someone to change their habits.

Goal_NP · Nov 1, 2015

Thank you for your support.

As I noticed the comments, it's not about little groups and yes,I have classmates who study together Because they have read the material and understands it and in study groups we are contributing our effort understand the topic more in depth.I see her as my friend, because we shared other things besides study, like we grabbed lunch or dinner together . however, as a friend...I am always there for her to listen what's going on and she does the same. But when it comes to study...I don't like to mess around , that mean no conversations about personal stuff, just foucs...please don't ask me too many questions as I have not done reading the material. So, I started to feel more annoyed when she asks questions when we are still reading, I will tell her let's wait till the end for questions. But semester is gone by, while I got good grade because I study..she barely passed...then I had to hear it again blah blah!

Now this class is even harder, I like to read textbook and understand it..while she bases on notes...so therfore I need more time to study then her...so that's why I won't study group until i have read the material and understood it.

Ps-sorry for lengthy message and any errors.

Goal_NP · Nov 1, 2015

I don't think the little groups are based on just grades..its about effort and sharing.plus I woke full time and like to use my time study as much I could.

And you not going to like anyone walking into group when have not full understood the material right?