I can't do this anymore...(VERY VERY LONG)

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Specializes in Medsurg/ICU, Mental Health, Home Health.

I don't think nursing is for me. Really.

I switched to Nursing midway through my freshman year of college. The reason? I'd always enjoyed the study of medicine...I'd wanted to be a doctor but felt discouraged by all of the schooling necessary, but I figured with nursing I'd have the same knowledge base, with job security and more pay. Also, the boyfriend I had at the time, who I was SO sure I was going to marry, wasn't going to be the major provider, so I figured I should be.

So I went through nursing school, barely getting by (although I'd been a presidential scholar in high school and had a full ride to college).

I started work as an extern in SDS/PACU, and I really enjoyed it. I saw a lot, learned a lot, had a routine, etc.

Then I did clinicals. I wanted to shoot myself. I know that's normal, and I suffered through it with my friends. Around the same time I broke off my engagement (remember Mr. Wonderful?) and my love for nursing began to disappear. I was only staying with it because A) I'd gone on so long and B) social reasons.

I graduated with my BSN. And I putzed around looking for a job, plus I was rather picky, so I somehow ended up accepting a position on a tele floor at a hospital 50 miles away.

I lasted 6 weeks. I know now it wasn't me. The nurse/patient ratios were awful, the expectations were ridiculous, the pay was abysmal, and let's not discuss the commute. At the time, I thought all nursing was like that and I decided I wanted to stop being a nurse.

But I couldn't get away and accepted a position on a MedSurg floor at my "old hospital." I went through orientation, and starting doing well on my own. However, my personal life was starting to deteriorate because of my 7p-7a schedule and the anxiety I still couldn't seem to shake no matter what. After 14 weeks, I called my manager and told her I couldn't handle it anymore. She tried to convince me to just take some time off and think about it, to not leave nursing.

We struck up a compromise and I became a full time unit clerk on my floor. None of my coworkers judged me. It was wonderful. The pay wasn't as great but because I wasn't exhausted I could work overtime. I absolutely loved unit clerking but it was embarrassing when I ran into people who knew me (and in a small hospital in a small state, it HAPPENS) who knew I WAS a nurse. Also, my knowledge made it difficult to be behind the desk. New nurses asked my advice, I often made suggestions to residents...that sort of thing.

I decided...hey, I can DO this. I've done my time away, I'm ready to come back! So I went back to 7p-7a at the end of September after seven months of being the UC. I did a short orientation and did very very well on my own. However, about two months ago things changed. I think I just noticed things had been changing all along. I had gained weight, developed terrible eating habits, lost touch with friends, lost enjoyment in everything. I had nothing close to a routine.

My mom told me it was partially because it was winter, partially that a lot of my friends are either married or engaged, and partially my schedule. I argued with her about it, then realized she was probably right.

This schedule is killing me. I'm so depressed it's ridiculous. I can't sleep well when I have to work that night because I'm stressed out, and I sleep nonstop when I'm off. Today was the first day in a very very long time I hung out with a friend. (I didn't do that in ALL of February). I used to be a size 4, now I'm a 16. I always had so much energy, always was the positive one. Now all I want to do is cry and sleep. I have no interest in men anymore although I've always been boy crazy. (The idea of having a relationship just seems like one more thing to worry about.) I'm even sick of my cats. I've stopped going to church, reading the Bible. When I go out with my friends I'm the first one who wants to go home. I don't like shopping for makeup anymore (one of my real loves!) I can't even tell you the last time I had the oil changed in my car, my BABY I bought brand new in 2006. And little Miss OCD, me, doesn't even want to do the dishes at all.

The thing is, I don't think it's the schedule. If it was, I'd still enjoy being at work, right? I'd get SOME pleasure out of what I'm doing, some sense of reward. I'd want to help my patients. But I really don't anymore. I'm afraid that if I continue doing this I'll stop caring all together, or kill myself with worry and cholesterol. I'm going to talk to my management tomorrow and give my two weeks unless we can figure out a new schedule. I just pray the new schedule helps. I'd love to be able to work an eight hour day, go to the gym, come home, eat dinner, rewind, sleep, eat breakfast, go to work. I am, by nature, very routined. But I don't even know if switching to day/evening or whatever will do anything at all. Now the thought of doing that terrifies me, I am already stressing about future shifts that might not exist. I find NO JOY in MedSurg nursing anymore. The idea of the PeriOp environment still interests me, but I can't find anywhere that won't take me without more experience.

I have to be at work in 17 hours, and I sort of wish I would die in my sleep, but I know that's crazy and I really don't want to leave my family behind to deal with that mess. I haven't even enjoyed my three nights off because I can't stop thinking about work. When I was an extern, when I was a secretary, unit clerk, when I was a waitress or student, I never had this problem! That's why I think nursing is the problem! The only thing is, I have no idea what else to do with my life. I've done nothing outside of the healthcare field for years and I can't think of anything else I'd like to do, although I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this.

Sorry, I didn't want to bore you all with that. I just think it was therapeutic to get it out.

Still don't know what I'll end up doing, though...

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I had many of the same feelings that you have about nursing when I was a teacher. I eventually walked away from it and guess what? The world did not come to an end. I didn't even have another job lined up but I hated my job so much I went into a major depression and I almost had a nervous breakdown. One night I curled into the fetal position and cried my eyes out at the thought of having to go back to work. I just couldn't take it anymore...I hated my life and I was unhappy all of the time.

If at all possible take some time off to get some perspective. Don't feel like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders if you seriously dread going to work tomorrow then call in. You can't take care of your patients if you are in the middle of an emotional crisis.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

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Specializes in LTC, med-surg.

First off...a big hug for you!

Secondly, Please get off of nights! I don't know you or your history, but it sounds as if you are suffering from depression. Something that may be intensified by working nights. Third: Please get counseling to help you cope with your emotions! And please, keep sharing about how you feel! Keep us updated,

Diana

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Specializes in Critical Care, Capacity/Bed Management.

I understand where you are coming from and i can only imagine what you must be feeling.

I think that there is a lot more than just nursing contributing to your feelings. Understand that nursing is your job it is not your life, you control it and it will never control you. I recommend switching over to mornings and see what that goes like. If that is not appealing think about doing Agency Nursing which offers you a lot more freedom that your current job.

Think of life as an endless book and you are the author, you create it, so you can fix it, and you will always have people that will review it (friends) so you are never alone.

I wish you the best of luck in everything you do, but never give up cause once you reach the bottom you can only go up

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Specializes in critical Care/ICU-traveler.

You poor thing. Your story makes my heart ache for you. I am sure that after putting so much time and effort into your career, it must be devistating to think that nursing may not be the right descision and the thought of starting over again is overwhelming. No wonder you are depressed!

Here is my 2 cents and hopefully an idea. One of the things that attract alot of us to this profession is the versatility that it offers. There are so many things we can do as RN's that dont involve bedside care. Things like nurse recruiter, working for and insurance company or working for a drug company. Then there are things that keep you close to the bedside, but not direct patient care...such as case management, IV team and occupational health. I always said that when I got tired of bedside nursing, I would work for the organ donor network.

Maybe getting away from the direct patient care and the anxiety that it is causing you, is the answer. You dont have to start over in your career, just change the direction that you are heading.

Take some time off and think it through. Most importantly, take care of yourself. Speaking from experience..the weight gain and self esteem are only making a bad situation worse. (sorry I have no insight into weight loss. I am still looking for the magic bullet too!) Make time for the things you used to love. Spend time with people who make you laugh and leave work behind for awhile before you decide your direction.

I hope some of my rambling helped or at least gave you something to think about.

I wish you only the best.

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Specializes in ER, IICU, PCU, PACU, EMS.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I like what happyloser said about life as a book - it's so true. You're so young (I'm not being condescending), think of all the possibilities and adventures you can have!!

You tried different areas of nursing and discovered one in which you said you really enjoyed. Can you get back to that unit or something similar to it? Perhaps that is your niche.

If you determine that nursing isn't really something you enjoy, do find something else you want to do. I know it sounds easier than actually doing it, but it can be done. No job is worth your health -none.

Most importantly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! A lot of people can empathize to some degree with what you are experiencing.

Best wishes are being sent your way...

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Honestly, if I had to work medsurg I would hate my life as well. Kudos to the nurses who can do it but it's not for me, and it looks like it isn't for you either.

What about L&D? Delivering babies all day. It's fun and uplifting. For the most part it's not people at deaths doorstep.

Or...school nursing. How about a Dr.'s office? Regular hours, more social. Lots of options. Some you can't even imagine. Get on days somewhere, you may have shift work associated depression and sleep disorder. If you are this unhappy.....your subconscious is telling you that somethings got to give!

Things will work out in the end....if they haven't worked out, it's not the end!

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Specializes in Cardiac, ER.

Bless your heart!! Hang in there girl,..we've all had similar experiences,.think of it as a learning period and move on to where you are happy! A little over a year ago I found myself in my Nurse Mng's office, in tears (I"m soooo not a cryer!). I told her I just couldn't do this anymore,.I couldn't bring myself to work even one more shift,.I quit! This after almost 8 yrs there,.working 7p-7a.

I was tired,.worn out,.didn't care anymore. I did allow the manager to convince me not to burn my bridges,.as I had been there so long. I gave my 2 weeks notice and applied for a different job at the same hospital. I then took a week of vacation time! I ended up working 2 more 12 hr shifts on that unit (tele/stepdown) and then transfered to ER.

I'm much happier now. I honestly believe its all due to the staffing differences. The unit I left (as is most of the hospital) is chronically understaffed,.everyone was picking up extra shifts. I worked with some great people there that I really miss,.they were all in the same boat,.over worked and under appreciated! The ER is 100% staffed, at least for now. It is very busy, but we all work hard and are praised for it.

One other thing for you to think about is the whole 12hr shift thing. I'm not sure if it matters if it's day or night, 12 hr shfts are rough, especially if you are a "routine" person. You really can't do much of anything else while you are working. Go to work,.get home and try to get to sleep quickly so you can go back to work. I wonder if working 5 8 hr shifts or even 4 10hr shifts would help you have more of a routine?

If you really believe bedside nursing isn't for you,.there really are many options out there. Get a job in an office,.M-F 9-5,.or maybe school nursing,.or travel nursing I think would be great if your young and single! Maybe getting into education or even legal nursing,..look around, you might be suprised at all the possibilities that are around if you are able to look!

Hang in there girl! One of these days you'll be the one on here encouraging the new, young nurse who just can't take it anymore!

BTW,.get back to church,.it'll help more than anything else!!

God bless and you'll be in my prayers!

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Specializes in Emergency Room.

i don't think being a nurse has caused all of these catastrophies you are experiencing. it sounds like you had some deeper issues to begin with and being in a job you don't really want just probably added to it. if you truly think it is nursing though, i say quit today and don't go back. i wish you many blessings in getting your life back.

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Specializes in Utilization Management.

I have to be at work in 17 hours, and I sort of wish I would die in my sleep, but I know that's crazy and I really don't want to leave my family behind to deal with that mess.

If someone you cared about made this statement, what would you advise them to do?

My advice: You need to quit this job asap.

Sounds like you'd love working as an office nurse. Let us know how it goes; some of us have BTDT and we do care. :icon_hug:

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Specializes in NPD; Administration; M/S; Critical Care.

First of all, (((((hugs)))), and "This, too, shall pass...:'

I second what Angioplasty said: QUIT THE JOB!!!! Just get out-leave and don't look back!

I quit a job just yesterday after giving notice, and was treated so coldly that I ended my employment with them earlier. These things are not easy to do, but I was so happy when I left that place, and felt that the weight of the world was literally lifted off my shoulders! Life is great!!!!

Please understand that you have many, many options as a nurse. You will find your niche, so please be encouraged in this area. Office nursing or school nursing; perhaps teaching? You have a BSN, which opens many opportunities for you. Take some time off and have a break for a while to regain your perspective of things.

Night shift was tough-I did it for 6 years on Med/Surg, and finally had to get out-best thing I ever did for myself!!

Blessings,

UnitRN01

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:redbeatheI feel for you, and I've been there. I think a lot of nurses have. There are many, many, postings on this board that sound very similiar to yours. So, you're not alone. The hospital environment is very stressful. Combine that with overnight hours and it's no wonder so many of us become depressed and emotionally strung out.

PLEASE quit this job ASAP and find something that suits you and makes you happy. Life is just too short to do something that makes you miserable, and you don't have to remain in a job that makes you feel that way. The great thing about nursing is you have soooo many choices. You could try a clinic, like another poster mentioned, or you could try home health or school nursing. The possibilities are endless.

Also, like the other posters suggested, keep talking about your feelings and let those in your family know what you're going through. Call on your support systems and take care of yourself!!

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