I don't think nursing is for me. Really.
I switched to Nursing midway through my freshman year of college. The reason? I'd always enjoyed the study of medicine...I'd wanted to be a doctor but felt discouraged by all of the schooling necessary, but I figured with nursing I'd have the same knowledge base, with job security and more pay. Also, the boyfriend I had at the time, who I was SO sure I was going to marry, wasn't going to be the major provider, so I figured I should be.
So I went through nursing school, barely getting by (although I'd been a presidential scholar in high school and had a full ride to college).
I started work as an extern in SDS/PACU, and I really enjoyed it. I saw a lot, learned a lot, had a routine, etc.
Then I did clinicals. I wanted to shoot myself. I know that's normal, and I suffered through it with my friends. Around the same time I broke off my engagement (remember Mr. Wonderful?) and my love for nursing began to disappear. I was only staying with it because A) I'd gone on so long and B) social reasons.
I graduated with my BSN. And I putzed around looking for a job, plus I was rather picky, so I somehow ended up accepting a position on a tele floor at a hospital 50 miles away.
I lasted 6 weeks. I know now it wasn't me. The nurse/patient ratios were awful, the expectations were ridiculous, the pay was abysmal, and let's not discuss the commute. At the time, I thought all nursing was like that and I decided I wanted to stop being a nurse.
But I couldn't get away and accepted a position on a MedSurg floor at my "old hospital." I went through orientation, and starting doing well on my own. However, my personal life was starting to deteriorate because of my 7p-7a schedule and the anxiety I still couldn't seem to shake no matter what. After 14 weeks, I called my manager and told her I couldn't handle it anymore. She tried to convince me to just take some time off and think about it, to not leave nursing.
We struck up a compromise and I became a full time unit clerk on my floor. None of my coworkers judged me. It was wonderful. The pay wasn't as great but because I wasn't exhausted I could work overtime. I absolutely loved unit clerking but it was embarrassing when I ran into people who knew me (and in a small hospital in a small state, it HAPPENS) who knew I WAS a nurse. Also, my knowledge made it difficult to be behind the desk. New nurses asked my advice, I often made suggestions to residents...that sort of thing.
I decided...hey, I can DO this. I've done my time away, I'm ready to come back! So I went back to 7p-7a at the end of September after seven months of being the UC. I did a short orientation and did very very well on my own. However, about two months ago things changed. I think I just noticed things had been changing all along. I had gained weight, developed terrible eating habits, lost touch with friends, lost enjoyment in everything. I had nothing close to a routine.
My mom told me it was partially because it was winter, partially that a lot of my friends are either married or engaged, and partially my schedule. I argued with her about it, then realized she was probably right.
This schedule is killing me. I'm so depressed it's ridiculous. I can't sleep well when I have to work that night because I'm stressed out, and I sleep nonstop when I'm off. Today was the first day in a very very long time I hung out with a friend. (I didn't do that in ALL of February). I used to be a size 4, now I'm a 16. I always had so much energy, always was the positive one. Now all I want to do is cry and sleep. I have no interest in men anymore although I've always been boy crazy. (The idea of having a relationship just seems like one more thing to worry about.) I'm even sick of my cats. I've stopped going to church, reading the Bible. When I go out with my friends I'm the first one who wants to go home. I don't like shopping for makeup anymore (one of my real loves!) I can't even tell you the last time I had the oil changed in my car, my BABY I bought brand new in 2006. And little Miss OCD, me, doesn't even want to do the dishes at all.
The thing is, I don't think it's the schedule. If it was, I'd still enjoy being at work, right? I'd get SOME pleasure out of what I'm doing, some sense of reward. I'd want to help my patients. But I really don't anymore. I'm afraid that if I continue doing this I'll stop caring all together, or kill myself with worry and cholesterol. I'm going to talk to my management tomorrow and give my two weeks unless we can figure out a new schedule. I just pray the new schedule helps. I'd love to be able to work an eight hour day, go to the gym, come home, eat dinner, rewind, sleep, eat breakfast, go to work. I am, by nature, very routined. But I don't even know if switching to day/evening or whatever will do anything at all. Now the thought of doing that terrifies me, I am already stressing about future shifts that might not exist. I find NO JOY in MedSurg nursing anymore. The idea of the PeriOp environment still interests me, but I can't find anywhere that won't take me without more experience.
I have to be at work in 17 hours, and I sort of wish I would die in my sleep, but I know that's crazy and I really don't want to leave my family behind to deal with that mess. I haven't even enjoyed my three nights off because I can't stop thinking about work. When I was an extern, when I was a secretary, unit clerk, when I was a waitress or student, I never had this problem! That's why I think nursing is the problem! The only thing is, I have no idea what else to do with my life. I've done nothing outside of the healthcare field for years and I can't think of anything else I'd like to do, although I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this.
Sorry, I didn't want to bore you all with that. I just think it was therapeutic to get it out.
Still don't know what I'll end up doing, though...
