I can't do this anymore...(VERY VERY LONG)

[Penelope_Pitstop]

I don't think nursing is for me. Really.

I switched to Nursing midway through my freshman year of college. The reason? I'd always enjoyed the study of medicine...I'd wanted to be a doctor but felt discouraged by all of the schooling necessary, but I figured with nursing I'd have the same knowledge base, with job security and more pay. Also, the boyfriend I had at the time, who I was SO sure I was going to marry, wasn't going to be the major provider, so I figured I should be.

So I went through nursing school, barely getting by (although I'd been a presidential scholar in high school and had a full ride to college).

I started work as an extern in SDS/PACU, and I really enjoyed it. I saw a lot, learned a lot, had a routine, etc.

Then I did clinicals. I wanted to shoot myself. I know that's normal, and I suffered through it with my friends. Around the same time I broke off my engagement (remember Mr. Wonderful?) and my love for nursing began to disappear. I was only staying with it because A) I'd gone on so long and B) social reasons.

I graduated with my BSN. And I putzed around looking for a job, plus I was rather picky, so I somehow ended up accepting a position on a tele floor at a hospital 50 miles away.

I lasted 6 weeks. I know now it wasn't me. The nurse/patient ratios were awful, the expectations were ridiculous, the pay was abysmal, and let's not discuss the commute. At the time, I thought all nursing was like that and I decided I wanted to stop being a nurse.

But I couldn't get away and accepted a position on a MedSurg floor at my "old hospital." I went through orientation, and starting doing well on my own. However, my personal life was starting to deteriorate because of my 7p-7a schedule and the anxiety I still couldn't seem to shake no matter what. After 14 weeks, I called my manager and told her I couldn't handle it anymore. She tried to convince me to just take some time off and think about it, to not leave nursing.

We struck up a compromise and I became a full time unit clerk on my floor. None of my coworkers judged me. It was wonderful. The pay wasn't as great but because I wasn't exhausted I could work overtime. I absolutely loved unit clerking but it was embarrassing when I ran into people who knew me (and in a small hospital in a small state, it HAPPENS) who knew I WAS a nurse. Also, my knowledge made it difficult to be behind the desk. New nurses asked my advice, I often made suggestions to residents...that sort of thing.

I decided...hey, I can DO this. I've done my time away, I'm ready to come back! So I went back to 7p-7a at the end of September after seven months of being the UC. I did a short orientation and did very very well on my own. However, about two months ago things changed. I think I just noticed things had been changing all along. I had gained weight, developed terrible eating habits, lost touch with friends, lost enjoyment in everything. I had nothing close to a routine.

My mom told me it was partially because it was winter, partially that a lot of my friends are either married or engaged, and partially my schedule. I argued with her about it, then realized she was probably right.

This schedule is killing me. I'm so depressed it's ridiculous. I can't sleep well when I have to work that night because I'm stressed out, and I sleep nonstop when I'm off. Today was the first day in a very very long time I hung out with a friend. (I didn't do that in ALL of February). I used to be a size 4, now I'm a 16. I always had so much energy, always was the positive one. Now all I want to do is cry and sleep. I have no interest in men anymore although I've always been boy crazy. (The idea of having a relationship just seems like one more thing to worry about.) I'm even sick of my cats. I've stopped going to church, reading the Bible. When I go out with my friends I'm the first one who wants to go home. I don't like shopping for makeup anymore (one of my real loves!) I can't even tell you the last time I had the oil changed in my car, my BABY I bought brand new in 2006. And little Miss OCD, me, doesn't even want to do the dishes at all.

The thing is, I don't think it's the schedule. If it was, I'd still enjoy being at work, right? I'd get SOME pleasure out of what I'm doing, some sense of reward. I'd want to help my patients. But I really don't anymore. I'm afraid that if I continue doing this I'll stop caring all together, or kill myself with worry and cholesterol. I'm going to talk to my management tomorrow and give my two weeks unless we can figure out a new schedule. I just pray the new schedule helps. I'd love to be able to work an eight hour day, go to the gym, come home, eat dinner, rewind, sleep, eat breakfast, go to work. I am, by nature, very routined. But I don't even know if switching to day/evening or whatever will do anything at all. Now the thought of doing that terrifies me, I am already stressing about future shifts that might not exist. I find NO JOY in MedSurg nursing anymore. The idea of the PeriOp environment still interests me, but I can't find anywhere that won't take me without more experience.

I have to be at work in 17 hours, and I sort of wish I would die in my sleep, but I know that's crazy and I really don't want to leave my family behind to deal with that mess. I haven't even enjoyed my three nights off because I can't stop thinking about work. When I was an extern, when I was a secretary, unit clerk, when I was a waitress or student, I never had this problem! That's why I think nursing is the problem! The only thing is, I have no idea what else to do with my life. I've done nothing outside of the healthcare field for years and I can't think of anything else I'd like to do, although I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this.

Sorry, I didn't want to bore you all with that. I just think it was therapeutic to get it out.

Still don't know what I'll end up doing, though...

[Ivanna_Nurse, BSN, RN]

Hugs to you, and you will be in my thoughts. I wonder if maybe you can take some leave of absence time, sort your feelings out? If anything else, it could give you some time to decide what direction you'd like to go. HUGs, Ivanna

[s_david_a]

it seems like you have two things going: 1. job stuff and 2. personal stuff... but right now it feels like just one huge thing that needs solved by a magic bullet... but that won't work. for example, i doubt simply quitting will help.

1. job stuff: drop your worries about the reasons you went into nursing--it is where god has you now, and he has you where you are for a reason. it very well may be that in the long run, you will completely leave nursing, but there are many paths you can take from right where you are.

also--don't minimize how much the overnight shift may be affecting you. god made us to function best in daylight and some people are severely impacted by that kind of schedule. it doesn't mean you're weak; you need to know yourself and take care of yourself.

2. personal stuff: you need to ask for help--keep calling people who you can trust and ask them for help. sounds like your mom might be someone like that.

also, keep the lord's day--i say this so frankly because from your post you seem to care about church, the bible, your spiritual life. remember that god commanded "six days you shall work... the seventh is holy to the lord." god himself worked six days and then rested and enjoyed what he had done. you should do the same; i promise you will be blessed by it. take sunday as a true day of worship and rest--don't watch tv, busy yourself with unecessary tasks, or feel like you need to entertain... just go to church, enjoy quiet time, spend time with godly people etc.

i wouldn't normally be so bold about all of this, but you seem not only open to having spiritual thigns addressed, but like you really need to hear these things--i hope it helps... i'll pray for you; let us know how things are going.

[MB37]

"I sort of wish I would die in my sleep"

That's not a good statement to make. Please 1)get off that shift if it's causing you so much trouble and 2)make an appointment to go see someone about your mental health. Doesn't your hospital have any day shifts available, anywhere? If not, then leave and find somewhere that does (assuming there's more than one hospital in a 50 mile radius). Or try looking for a job outside of the hospital - after you get your mental health straightened out. That needs to be your priority right now. You mentioned an interest in periop - unfortunately you might need more med-surg experience, but where I live OR nurses only work 8 hour shifts. My university offers a course in periop nursing that you can only take after you've graduated - maybe there's one in your area, or online?

[ladynurse2B]

Dear BluehenRN,

Sorry to find you in that misery... I wish I could give you hugs in person and listen to every words you say.

I have no words to advise you, but I want to let you know how touched I am reading your words of agony.

Writing may help you sort out your thoughts make you feel a little bit better somehow. I am here to listen to you through your writings.

Take time to listen to this music http://youtube.com/watch?v=jxr0c1k5cG0 and I want you to know that there are people here who are genuinely concerned about you and praying for you.

Let the healing begins...

[jjjoy, LPN]

I had a hard time with floor nursing, too. I tried several different environments, some better than others, but I wasn't thriving by any definition of the word. And I was too drained to deal with my personal issues as well. After considering what other types of nursing might suit me, doing interviews and doing some more shadowing, I kept coming to the unwanted conclusion that none of them sounded appealing anymore (now that I'd had the chance to really experience clinical nursing).

So I started looking for non-clinical work that wasn't specific to nursing. Anything that I was qualified for, looked do-able, and would pay the bills. It took several months, but I finally got a job with a medical publishing company. It wasn't my dream job by any means, but it was interesting enough and I loved working in the quiet office and being able to organize my day (something I hadn't realized about myself before).

I didn't dread going in to work every day nor was I counting minutes til I could get off nor was I crying regularly nor was I feeling sick to my stomach much of the time. That allowed me to deal with other issues. To deal with my personal life. To come to terms with MY strengths and weaknesses. To work on NOT being so concerned with how my choices LOOKED to others or what I judgementally thought I SHOULD be able and willing to do. To shift from thinking about my experiences with nursing as "a waste" to thinking of it as learning, growing experience.

What have you learned? Maybe you've learned that you thrive in a role like unit secretary but not med-surg nursing. That's valuable information as you look into what types of jobs and work roles to consider in the future. And please don't discount your preference and talents for unit secretary work versus floor nursing work if that's the case. Some floor nurses would pull their hair out if they had to do unit secretary work full-time.

Does that mean you are "stuck" being a unit secretary for the rest of your life and you might as well as never have gone to nursing school? NO and NO! Your skills and talents are transferrable and you can build on them. Instead of feeling forced to *make* floor nursing work for you, look for job roles that will utilize YOUR skills and talents and where the work environment and schedule suits YOU (there's a difference between accepting a less preferred schedule and accepting a schedule that makes you sick). It's not as easy as opening up the help wanted pages to nursing jobs, but it's worth it if you feel that bad about your current situation. And I'm sure you've learned a lot about health care and about yourself through your experience with nursing.

Bottom-line: You need to take care of YOU so that you can be your best for others in both the personal realm and the realm of work!!!!!

[santhony44, MSN, RN, NP]

Please make yourself an appointment with your PCP and have a good physical checkup as well. Make sure there are no physical issues causing or contributing to some of the things you're experiencing.

[oramar]

The only thing that might be wrong with you is the shift. Can't say for sure but there is plenty of research that shows that night shift workers can start to show behavioral and mental health symptoms after a while. I heard a researcher saying he uncovered so many people who were normal until they started nights and lo and behold here comes the withdrawal, the depression the paranoid behavior. He said it took 3 to 6 months for them to return to normal after going back to sleeping at night like people were meant to do. Believe me I know I have been there. I quit a job I liked when in my 40s because I thought I hated the job. Later on I realized it was rotating nights to days and back again that was making me crazy. The tendency is to blame youself but after you get away for a while you will realize that you are normal, nursing is crazy.

[HealthyRN]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, but do know that you are not alone. I felt a lot like you do when I was in acute care. I would actually think about getting in an accident just so I didn't have to go in to work. That is horrible and I can't believe I acutally had those thoughts, but that is how unhappy I was.

I agree that there could be a lot of other reasons besides your job that could be causing this depression. In my case, I really do believe that it was just the job. I am so much happier now that I don't work in direct patient care. Unhappiness with your career, especially one that you have poured your heart and soul into, can affect your entire life.

Even though you don't have that much experience, there are lots of other options out there. I found a non-clinical role after just 10 months of bedside nursing. If you really are attached to bedside nursing, try finding a day shift position. If your manager is not willing to work with the schedule, I would quit ASAP.

I will pray for you.

[Viviana, ASN, RN]

just a few two-word phrases for you:

public health

outpatient clinic

school nurse

day shift

sounds to me like hospital nursing is not for you. it's not for me, either, i just happen to be stuck working off a bsn scholarship obligation on a med/surg unit. the hospital i work for paid 100% of my tuition and books.

there are too many other options out there to just quit. if you have a year on the floor, go do something else!

[TraumaNurseRN]

Perhaps it's the unit you work on and the shift....I know when I worked 7p/7a I was miserable as well. It was frustrating on my days of as well as the days I worked. Maybe you need a faster pace and a different shift. Have you thought about ER?

[DudeNurseRN]

You have A LOT on your shoulders. You can quit nursing, it'd be okay. With the experience you have, plus your BSN, you could take that degree and ride it to do something else if you wanted to. Or if you wanted to stick with nursing there are a lot of options that are less stressful than nights in med surg, especially twelves. (I work that same shift, and staffing decided it would be funny to have be work 4 hrs on my floor and then float me for 8 hrs on another floor, thus doubling my workload.) Things like clinic nursing (which in most cases would be 9A-5P).

From what I read in your note though, it sounds like you are kind of interested in nursing, and would like to possibly work somewhere else. But you'd have to get the depression by the horns first. Do I think that I am going out on a limb, by saying your depressed. Nah. Why?

Cause a lot of us do depressing work. We work with sick and sometimes dying people all day long. That's the truth of nursing. MD's don't spend as much time with the sick people as we do. And yeah people can be sad and blue, but overwhelmingly the greatest telltale sign of depression is the lack of enjoyment/energy/motivation, which you definately mention in your letter. In my experience going and getting some medication, and talking with someone about the stressful type of work you do would be worthwhile.

It's going to be hard getting though this, I'd be lying to you if I told you otherwise. But when you find the work that you truly love, and life and cats (per your letter) become enjoyable again, I have faith that you will find that your happiness was worth the effort.

[imenid37]

How about trying soemthing like the health department, urgent care, or a surgi-center? I know the surgi-center may be hard to come by, but you never know. I miss nights, but it sounds like the shift is a real killer for you. You need to go to the doctor for a full PE and please change jobs. You are only young once. Don't waste your life and sanity doing something you hate. Good luck!