I can't do this anymore...(VERY VERY LONG)

[Penelope_Pitstop]

I don't think nursing is for me. Really.

I switched to Nursing midway through my freshman year of college. The reason? I'd always enjoyed the study of medicine...I'd wanted to be a doctor but felt discouraged by all of the schooling necessary, but I figured with nursing I'd have the same knowledge base, with job security and more pay. Also, the boyfriend I had at the time, who I was SO sure I was going to marry, wasn't going to be the major provider, so I figured I should be.

So I went through nursing school, barely getting by (although I'd been a presidential scholar in high school and had a full ride to college).

I started work as an extern in SDS/PACU, and I really enjoyed it. I saw a lot, learned a lot, had a routine, etc.

Then I did clinicals. I wanted to shoot myself. I know that's normal, and I suffered through it with my friends. Around the same time I broke off my engagement (remember Mr. Wonderful?) and my love for nursing began to disappear. I was only staying with it because A) I'd gone on so long and B) social reasons.

I graduated with my BSN. And I putzed around looking for a job, plus I was rather picky, so I somehow ended up accepting a position on a tele floor at a hospital 50 miles away.

I lasted 6 weeks. I know now it wasn't me. The nurse/patient ratios were awful, the expectations were ridiculous, the pay was abysmal, and let's not discuss the commute. At the time, I thought all nursing was like that and I decided I wanted to stop being a nurse.

But I couldn't get away and accepted a position on a MedSurg floor at my "old hospital." I went through orientation, and starting doing well on my own. However, my personal life was starting to deteriorate because of my 7p-7a schedule and the anxiety I still couldn't seem to shake no matter what. After 14 weeks, I called my manager and told her I couldn't handle it anymore. She tried to convince me to just take some time off and think about it, to not leave nursing.

We struck up a compromise and I became a full time unit clerk on my floor. None of my coworkers judged me. It was wonderful. The pay wasn't as great but because I wasn't exhausted I could work overtime. I absolutely loved unit clerking but it was embarrassing when I ran into people who knew me (and in a small hospital in a small state, it HAPPENS) who knew I WAS a nurse. Also, my knowledge made it difficult to be behind the desk. New nurses asked my advice, I often made suggestions to residents...that sort of thing.

I decided...hey, I can DO this. I've done my time away, I'm ready to come back! So I went back to 7p-7a at the end of September after seven months of being the UC. I did a short orientation and did very very well on my own. However, about two months ago things changed. I think I just noticed things had been changing all along. I had gained weight, developed terrible eating habits, lost touch with friends, lost enjoyment in everything. I had nothing close to a routine.

My mom told me it was partially because it was winter, partially that a lot of my friends are either married or engaged, and partially my schedule. I argued with her about it, then realized she was probably right.

This schedule is killing me. I'm so depressed it's ridiculous. I can't sleep well when I have to work that night because I'm stressed out, and I sleep nonstop when I'm off. Today was the first day in a very very long time I hung out with a friend. (I didn't do that in ALL of February). I used to be a size 4, now I'm a 16. I always had so much energy, always was the positive one. Now all I want to do is cry and sleep. I have no interest in men anymore although I've always been boy crazy. (The idea of having a relationship just seems like one more thing to worry about.) I'm even sick of my cats. I've stopped going to church, reading the Bible. When I go out with my friends I'm the first one who wants to go home. I don't like shopping for makeup anymore (one of my real loves!) I can't even tell you the last time I had the oil changed in my car, my BABY I bought brand new in 2006. And little Miss OCD, me, doesn't even want to do the dishes at all.

The thing is, I don't think it's the schedule. If it was, I'd still enjoy being at work, right? I'd get SOME pleasure out of what I'm doing, some sense of reward. I'd want to help my patients. But I really don't anymore. I'm afraid that if I continue doing this I'll stop caring all together, or kill myself with worry and cholesterol. I'm going to talk to my management tomorrow and give my two weeks unless we can figure out a new schedule. I just pray the new schedule helps. I'd love to be able to work an eight hour day, go to the gym, come home, eat dinner, rewind, sleep, eat breakfast, go to work. I am, by nature, very routined. But I don't even know if switching to day/evening or whatever will do anything at all. Now the thought of doing that terrifies me, I am already stressing about future shifts that might not exist. I find NO JOY in MedSurg nursing anymore. The idea of the PeriOp environment still interests me, but I can't find anywhere that won't take me without more experience.

I have to be at work in 17 hours, and I sort of wish I would die in my sleep, but I know that's crazy and I really don't want to leave my family behind to deal with that mess. I haven't even enjoyed my three nights off because I can't stop thinking about work. When I was an extern, when I was a secretary, unit clerk, when I was a waitress or student, I never had this problem! That's why I think nursing is the problem! The only thing is, I have no idea what else to do with my life. I've done nothing outside of the healthcare field for years and I can't think of anything else I'd like to do, although I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this.

Sorry, I didn't want to bore you all with that. I just think it was therapeutic to get it out.

Still don't know what I'll end up doing, though...

[aileenve, ASN, RN]

Have you been to a Dr and had a physical? It could be depresssion, and any number of things especially with the wt. gain..have you thought about home care, case mgmt, the possibilities are endless...

[nitenurse02]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I work night shift and love it. Been here for 5 years. But i have seen a lot of good nurses leave the shift because they just couldn't handle it. Go to day shift and probably an office or some other venue would be better than hospital nursing. This field is so large, you can do almost anything. lots of luck

[Epona]

Boy... your story makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry... wow.. that is really sad. Geeezzzz.. I feel sad now. Ok... none of that. I say get some help and seek treatment. You need something to really boost you. You need to find your way. I knew of someone who was really depressed and they sought cognitive therapy and medication. It worked wonders and they totally got through the depression and are just fine now. There are MANY areas of nursing as others have mentioned. I would not quit nursing. When you get help, you will discover what the underlying problem really is. It may NOT be nursing. You will find your way. Get help now. GOOD LUCK!

[krislyn87]

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Just know that there are people that truly care and are willing to help you. I would try talking with a counselor and sorting out your feelings..

Shift work is very demanding and takes a lot of care. But in nursing there are so many choices. I would look into the other opportunities before you decide to end nursing once and for all.

However, if you feel like you are to bogged down. Take some time for yourself. Do some self evaluation and reassess where you are in your life. And # 1 you are very important. Make yourself # one. because if you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of your patients.

Maybe after you take some time off. You can decide what you want to do. Best of luck and God bless!

[tnrose]

Ok, I'm a medsurg nurse and it's my thing. I love it but I've seen many leave the floor with tears streaming down their faces so I know it's not for everyone. There are many other opportunities available to you, an Rn that hated working my floor transferred to the position of community outreach nurse and tells me it's the best job she has ever had. The point is don't give up on nursing, there are many options, but it is obvious that direct patient care may not be the path for you. Good luck.

[ERNurse752, RN]

You need to see a physician, stat. First your family/primary MD for medical evaluation, then a psychiatrist or licensed therapist.

Call as soon as the office opens in the morning. You need help. If you're thinking of hurting yourself, go to the ER or call their crisis center.

Hope you start feeling better soon!

[marie-francoise]

You could try clinical trials, and be a clinical research coordinator, working for a CRO or other organization/company.

And please get off the night shift. I think night shift messes with people's metabolisms and minds. (Apparently there is a chromosomal marker for those who are night-owls and those who aren't - I think most of us aren't made to stay up all night and sleep during the day, regardless. The brain responds to natural light & dark.)

Maybe try a job away from the bedside as well, or maybe even away from nursing in general. Just DON'T stay depressed like this - that's the number one thing. Get a job to pay the bills - if it's nursing, nursing-related, not nursing-related - IT'S OK.

Getting off nights seems to be the key thing, and then perhaps away from the bedside.

[marie-francoise]

P.S. I suspect that one of the major reasons why there is a bedside nursing shortage is because people in a similar situation to yours have also said, "Enough with this". So, I don't think you're alone in feeling the way you do. Please don't think it's "you" (it's very likely the system itself).

[Penelope_Pitstop, BSN, RN]

Thank you all very much for your kind words, support, advice & prayers. I am taking all of what was said, plus what my friends, family & coworkers have told me to help me.

I gave my two weeks' notice on Wednesday. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of me, and I am now able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't have another job lined up just yet, but I have applied to places that are different from adult med/surg and different from my hospital system.

I am going to miss everyone terribly at work. However, I know I can't stay just because of the people I work with being great people. I can still see them outside of work, and I know I'll make newfriends at my new job (I've never had that problem, thank goodness!)

I feel so much better about everything now. I am pretty sure now that nursing IS for me, but not that type of nursing, and especially NOT the midnight shift. I guess part of my problem is that nearly all of my friends from nursing school absolutely love their first jobs. Unlike me, though, they knew what they wanted, applied for jobs early, and have stuck with it because they've found their niche.

I'll keep y'all updated, though.

Once more, THANKS!:redpinkhe:redpinkhe:redpinkhe

Jess

[BayouLPN]

PLEASE....talk to someone close to you about your feelings. I seem to recognize signs of depression....with suicidal ideation. I recognize these because I have felt this way. PTST mixed with depression after Hurricane Rita. I, also, had a job that I went to school for...LTC. As an LPN, that is the best paying job I get get. I LOVE the residents, the owners of the facility, what I was doing. BUT> I could not sleep (md wanted sleep study done), Was even more depressed, irritable, Little MISS OCD: me, too. had let the house go to pot, dishes didn't get washed, clothes piled up, teenager had to cook for himself or not eat. Started chain-smoking, gained nearly 20lbs. Left that job 5 weeks ago, went to L&D. Clothes are clean & ironed, boy gets fed, house is sparkling, I am going to bed & sleeping all nite. I have not taken the anidepressants in 4 weeks. I haven't lost the weight but I am working on that. IT is just amazing at how different I feel now. 2 years after the hurricane and 5 weeks after leaving the LTC. I am starting to feel so much better and normal. I think if you look deep enough, you will find that something else has started your depression and the stress and hours you work just cause it to flare up in a big way. You are a BSN. Your options in the medical field are limitless. You might even look at a Dr.'s office. Pay would be in the crapper but it is days, weekends & holidays off. More time to be with people on a social level. You might even consider a course in Hospital administration. You liked unit clerk...and at the BSN level, administration specialty should not be hard to obtain. OR...like a couple of posters stated...You are young. You can easily change career paths. Most of your general courses would apply to another field. OR...one of my instructor who will retire next year...says "I'm tired of nursing, just tired of it. I am going to work at TARGET when I get my retirement" So, many options...PLEASE look at them and find somebody to talk you. Hugs and prayers for you.

[Viviana, ASN, RN]

Also, I remember that I always felt like I lived in a parallel universe or something when I worked night shift. It felt like I was excluded from everything, that I wasn't a part of the world around me.

Jess, that all by itself could depress you, as young as you are.

[Penelope_Pitstop, BSN, RN]

Hey. Tonight is my first of three nights in a row...my last three nights. I feel so terrible right now. A lot of it is the normal stress (my mom said when I was young I HATED going back to school after extended time off, which is why I prefer five days a week) of being off for three nights then back, but a lot of it is sadness. I am going to miss my floor so much. I know this is for the better, but I can't help but be depressed that I'm leaving the people I've grown to love over the past 16 months and the hospital I've known for longer. I know that in three days, when all of this is over, I am going to feel pretty good. I'm going to go back to Weight Watchers (how I got to be a size 4 in the first place!) and seriously look for new jobs, without the fear that I'll be sleeping when potential employers call. However, I am paralyzed with fear concerning the next three nights. I'm afraid (which is silly) that I'll be given terrible assignments because I'm leaving, and that I'll be so busy I won't get to say good-bye to my co-workers.

I just am asking for some prayers, if y'all are into that. I just need to get through the next 72 hours. That's nothing compared to the 9 months I've done, right? I can do this! I just know that I'm *so* close to being done...

Thanks in advance, and sorry to bug...

Jess