How are things with your home life while in school?

[j_audrey]

So, in the general nursing section, I read a post from someone whose husband is starting to get a little worried about her choice of specialties once she has graduated (ER).

So, considering I am having some problems of my own with hubby adjusting to me being in school, and his fear that once I am financially independent that I am going to leave, I wanted to get some input from other students who may be dealing with the same things at home.

He didn't get blindsided with this, I have been telling him for awhile what I wanted to do (before we even got married!), and that it was a huge commitment. He finally makes enough that I can get by with part time work, so I went back to school. We have been married for almost 4 years, some of which has been rocky, and his attitude makes me want to throw my hands up in frustration. It scares me because he's going to make me crazy, and his constant battle with me over the time I'm gone for school and studying (I am working full time and going to school full time until I start nursing school proper) and how I am going to walk away from him is going to make me do just that.

Does it ever get better? I'm really trying here, but it makes it tough when you feel like someone wants to stand in your way and they should be supporting you. I'm just trying to make our lives better, and to accomplish something I have been dreaming of for years.

[pinkiepie_RN]

Nursing school coupled with 2 PRN tech jobs has made it necessary to communicate better with my fiance. As long as he knows where I am, he won't worry and he can occupy himself with other things. It's hard to catch up with him sometimes, particularly when I work evening or noc shift, but I try to make it so our schedules mesh most of the time. We sit down and have date nights, as well as "let's clean the apartment" and "laundry" nights. It's very much a team effort to keep things going even though we don't have kids (we do have 4 female pet rats though).

I think my home life will probably continue to be just as crazy when I get out of school, because I'm the type of person who wants to write, sing, dance, act and do a million and one things if I just had the free time. It's crazy, but it's beautiful and it can definitely be done. I have a big fear that things might get tougher when I'm making 3 x what he does (he works in retail and will hopefully be getting back to taking college classes soon) but I think we can work that out too!

Good luck!

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

I think if your husband is worried you will leave him because you can support yourself, you have bigger issues. I can't recommend counseling strongly enough! If he won't go, go without him.

I am lucky enough to have a very good marriage, we are partners and support each other in everything, but it still takes work. While I am in NS we have a "date night" every week no matter what. It's just going out to dinner together, but it's important because it gives us time alone to "catch up" from the insanity, and it's imiportant because it shows each other that our relationship IS a priority. So that is something that I recommend, but like I said it sounds like you (and many others here) have bigger issues that aren't going to just "go away".

Best of luck!

Date night is a great Idea. It's something my husband and I started doing as well. My oldest son is capable of babysitting for a while now so it's much more affordable and feasible for us to do it.

Also, try and make sure you save some energy for intimacy. Men need to feel needed and wanted. *I know this isn't limited to men but it's what we are talking about right now* If he knows your still making time for that it will make him feel more secure in your relationship. I know it's hard to do when you are tired and stressed and have kids to tend to and stuff, but realistically, sex is a very important part of a relationship.

I hope I wasn't out of line for posting that. I don't know everyone individual situations but just some general advice. I know my marriage just seems to be a whole lot better when we have a healthy active sex life. My husbands whole persona will be different, he will be very supportive and helpful and just happier.

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

My mom told me that this is what saved her best friend's marriage. After years of him wanting to leave she said ok go, and guess what? He didn't leave and they have lived happily ever after since then. Amazing isn't it? That men don't like to feel needed.

Guys are so complicated. They want kids but they don't want to take care of them. They want to eat but they don't want to cook. They want to lose weight but don't get off the couch. I could go on forever. They are takers and not givers (in general). So when they "give" you to nursing school they tend to act like children.

Something like this happened in my marriage as well. Long ago my husband used to be very controlling, I was SAHM and he worked and commuted and than carpooled with his boss and they always just "had" to stop at the bar on the way home (my husband isn't even much of a drinker) meanwhile I was stuck at home and when I wanted to do anything I got nothing but fighting and grief from him. He would always threaten to leave me if I went against what he wanted and told me how I had no education (past high school diploma) no job, kids and so on and how screwed I would be. We were both very young around this time (21,22) He was just full of threats. He knew how I was brought up and my fears and played on them by reminding me how my life would be without him, so I stuck it in there. He had a pretty messed up life as well and of course I wanted to "help and save" him.

Well I had let myself get really bad into old habits, was suicidal and just not in a good place. I went and got myself a lot of help to finally deal with all the life long crap I had been put through, the constantly abusive relationships I found myself in that stemmed from a childhood of all kinds of abuse. So while I was getting help a light bulb just went off in my head and I wasn't taking it anymore.

When I put my foot down he threatned to leave and I asked if he needed help packing. He sat there kinda confused and I was like, again, do you need help packing? He was like you know what will become of you? I go yea I sure do, I will get some help fromt he state, lorn knows I paid into it for many years, I will get help with housing and childcare and go back to school, I will be a single mom so the oppertunity for help paying for school will be there. I will get a gegree and make a great living for my kids. It might be hard in the mean time and getting their but we will be ok and make it because I am a survivior and honestly, you are no match to some of the things I have already had done to me in my life. I got through that I will get past you and be wiser and stronger from it.

Man I can not even describe the look he had on his face and utter disbelief of me taking a stand. I felt like the old me again because for a couple years before him I was NOT someone to let people treat me like crap anymore yet I was doing it again for him.

That man left for 2 days and came back and was a whole new person. Granted we still have had issues since than and I imagine as long as we are together we always will have issues, it's a part of life. Especially when you have such stubborn bullheaded people as him and I are. But never has life been like it used to be back than. People CAN change. People when they get together young still have a lot of growing and maturing to do, I think the goal is that you grow together and not apart. In the end though, you have to know when it's time to walk away and start living again.

[pinkiepie_RN]

Date night is a great Idea. It's something my husband and I started doing as well. My oldest son is capable of babysitting for a while now so it's much more affordable and feasible for us to do it.

Also, try and make sure you save some energy for intimacy. Men need to feel needed and wanted. *I know this isn't limited to men but it's what we are talking about right now* If he knows your still making time for that it will make him feel more secure in your relationship. I know it's hard to do when you are tired and stressed and have kids to tend to and stuff, but realistically, sex is a very important part of a relationship.

I hope I wasn't out of line for posting that. I don't know everyone individual situations but just some general advice. I know my marriage just seems to be a whole lot better when we have a healthy active sex life. My husbands whole persona will be different, he will be very supportive and helpful and just happier.

Amen to that! That's the biggest hurdle right now for me, between working odd hours, medications I'm on, and the awful eating habits I found in NS...sex is often the first thing to go. But my guy gets excited and more supportive too when he's getting some and it is a security thing. Hell, I feel more secure in our relationship when we've got a regular thing going on in bed. :)

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

I totally get that, my husband works out of town from the Day after thanksgiving until April. (hopefully this is the last year) he plans a couple trips home for a long weekend pretty much just for that and well to see us also. I take the kids to San Diego for winter break so we get more time together than as well. But when he is home full time, between 4 kids, school, activities for the kids, the house and what not I just get plan exhausted. But I try to make sure even if I am not that up to it that a few times a week I initiate a little intimacy so that he doesn't feel like HE is the only one that cares and because I know it will make life go that much easier. Someone once told me that your spouse came before the kids and before everything else and if you expect your marriage to last you have to remember to put that same spouse first now and again.

[j_audrey]

Also a HUGE part is that you may be making more money than your husband after you become a nurse. That is all we are taught, be the provider...our #1 success in life is determined by if we can fully provide things to our families that others can. So you wrap all that up and throw in a dash of a few prior bad relationships and you can see....we are a total mess...haha

What we need is to know that we are still important and still are being the "man" and doing the man" things in your life, just the way we work whether it is right or wrong. The provider, the protector...etc quote]

You are not very far off base... I did speak to hubby a bit last night about my concerns and he brought up the same thing. He has been the bread winner in our relationship, and is worried that he will be seen as a failure if I make more than him. I told him that is insane, because even at a New Grad payrate, he will be making more than me. It's not even a huge jump in pay from where I stand now income wise. I just have the NEED to be a nurse, even if it pays 2.00 an hour! LOL (BTW PatMicNic... I think you will be a great partner for someone today, you have things figured out! )

On the subject of sex, it's not him needing more of it, its me! Make of it what you may, but it's kinda funny.

Quote FutureNovaRN- "Guys are so complicated. They want kids but they don't want to take care of them. They want to eat but they don't want to cook. They want to lose weight but don't get off the couch. I could go on forever. They are takers and not givers (in general). So when they "give" you to nursing school they tend to act like children."

HAHA! OMG... you pegged him on the head.

I'm just lost. I have tried to talk to him about it and am getting no where. Where on one hand, I'm not sure I can handle everything on my own, on the other, if I try to make it work and he and I don't make it, I feel like I would have been using him. It's not leaving me in a good place to even try to deal with it. I appreciate everyones hints soooo much... because at least I know I am not alone!

Do you think it would be better if I could get him to go back to school the same time? I have tried, and short of dragging him by the short hairs to the enrollment office I don't think it will work, but I will if anyone thinks it would help!

I have been in counseling by myself off and on for the better part of three years. Hubby went with me few times and it didn't work.

Oh! I wish my hubby had a flashlight addiction. It's more the $400 phones and computer accessories that he's into. I could have paid 1 whole quarters tution with that money!

[cursedandblessed]

some weeks are better than others, it's a combination of things. i'm in a tough rotation right now. my first three weren't this rough. i warned everyone ahead of time. sometimes, i have to remind them that nursing school is my job and once i'm done, the hubby will be at home retired in three more years-but if he thinks things will be going the way they've been for the last 20, he's crazy. no more sleeping til noon everyday he's off, i won't be doing the laundry, the cooking, the farm work, etc and working.

next week i'm swamped and he's taking his last 5 days of vacation before the new work year for him (use it or lose it). so hopefully he can have a practice run.

[Lightattheend05]

Well, I'm very blessed. When I decided that I wanted to go back to school my husband was very supportive :heartbeat. He told me that he thought I shouldn't work because if I did, he thought I wouldn't be as focused on school. I don't start the nursing program until the fall, but he is almost as excited as I am. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In that time, we have learned that marriage is a partnership and you have to work as a team, especially for long-term goals. My husband understands that it takes a major sacrifice to get where we want to be.

When money gets tight, I sometimes feel like it's my fault because I'm not working, but I've been keeping up my end of the bargain too as far as getting good grades and keeping the househould running smoothly.

[Equinox_93]

... just a thought... saying things that one admits were said just to hurt the other party- especially if they were doing this on a regular basis- is considered verbal abuse. not saying that's what you're talking about in your specific circumstance- as a few comments from a message board don't an entire situation paint- but people should be aware that abuse comes in a variety of forms- not all of which carry physical trauma marks.

i know this sounds really screwed up but my husband has even admitted to saying things to me just to hurt me. he knows that i don't have anything without him, we have an 18 month old and i only have the educational background that i have earned so far. what i am saying is that i think some people can use that kind of control to put other people down, even if they don't mean it. to make themselves feel superior, even though they are already head of household, because at times they feel threatened. my husband has even asked me before if i was just using him to get ahead in life. which is a total joke because i love him to death, and he means the world to me. but what i need to do a better job of is reminding him of how much i love him, and not how much i need him. because despite what some people think, men don't always want to feel needed, they want to feel loved and wanted!

i don't know what your definition of rocky is but try to remember that most couples have big fights and arguments and the most important part is getting through it and growing stronger and smarter after every fight. my husband and i have had our fair share of big blowouts but i would never say that things were rocky. he just doesn't know how to fight fair and has said some terrible things that i know he didn't mean. don't give up on him. you are probably just in a funk. i don't agree with divorce unless there is some sort of abuse or adultery going on. i refuse to give up on our relationship and i think more people should do the same.

[j_audrey]

I actually called and made an appointment to go speak to someone today. I need it for me to be able to deal.

[j_audrey]

An update:

My Husband and I split in April, and are currently in the process of divorce. We just couldn't move past things.

So school is on the sideline for awhile, I've moved and found a new job... and I'm ok.

[~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN]

I am sorry to hear about that but I am glad you are ok!