How are things with your home life while in school?

Cilantrophobe · Mar 17, 2009

I don't really like to talk about my personal life on here because I love my husband very much and it makes me feel guilty, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My husband is very insecure and he also feels as though I will leave him once I graduate and get a job, something I would never in my life do. I think he feels like I am using him sometimes, most likely because when we met we both worked full-time and now I don't work at all. Once nursing school starts in the fall he won't have that excuse because nursing school is a full-time job, as far as I am concerned. He just has his bad days where he gets more insecure than usual, when he gets stressed out.

I have a few questions for you. Do you get good grades? Has he ever gone to college? The reason why I ask these two questions is because I can tell that my husband feels threatened by me. But I know he is also very proud of me. I do whatever I can when possible to let him know how thankful I am of him for this opportunity and that he will be rewarded as well by being able to go to school one day when I have finished school. I know that is something he really wants to do. Try to find out if that is something your husband wants as well. I think many people, men especially, are emotionally immature and don't always know how to express their true feelings. He may have goals of his own. It is also very possible that your husband does think you might leave him, if that is the case try to build up his self esteem day and night, because my husband needs the same thing! Some guys are just really insecure.

Good luck!

j_audrey · Mar 17, 2009

I have a few questions for you. Do you get good grades? Has he ever gone to college? The reason why I ask these two questions is because I can tell that my husband feels threatened by me. But I know he is also very proud of me. I do whatever I can when possible to let him know how thankful I am of him for this opportunity and that he will be rewarded as well by being able to go to school one day when I have finished school. I know that is something he really wants to do. Try to find out if that is something your husband wants as well. I think many people, men especially, are emotionally immature and don't always know how to express their true feelings. He may have goals of his own. It is also very possible that your husband does think you might leave him, if that is the case try to build up his self esteem day and night, because my husband needs the same thing! Some guys are just really insecure.
Good luck!

To answer your questions:

Yes, I do get good grades. I have been on Dean's List the entire time I have been back in school, because it's important to me to do well. I also have two parents who expect me to do well, and I let them down hardcore in high school, and don't want to do that again. My Hubby has been in college before, and I have been trying to get him to go back to finsh his degree. I think you might have hit something there because he has always said I am 'way smarter than him' (his words, not mine). I would hate to think he feels threatened by this, but I guess it could be.

A little more background, I have been married before and divorced very young to someone much older than me. I think that's where some of his fears stem from, because he is also divorced. I am very independent because I don't want to have the rug pulled out from under me again. This was something he knew ahead of time too.

To get ahead of any other questions, we have been to marriage counseling together and that was less than productive because he won't talk.

missjennmb · Mar 17, 2009

My husband is not insecure, but life can still get rocky with school and everything. I actually stopped working just this week (halfway through LPN school, not expecting to finish RN school until December 2010) because we needed more time together.

Do you have children? I ask because sometimes when kids are involved, one parent feels like the "babysitter" while the other is following their dreams. Its not about how it is, but how it feels, ya know?

Please don't take this wrong, but if he is afraid you are going to leave him, is there a reason? You said things have been rocky between you. If so, its even more important that you do this, for your own sake. Just make sure that he knows that you are with him because you want to, not because you have to. If thats not enough for him, thats his issue, not yours.

once nursing school starts, you don't have time to spend fighting/thinking about this, so somehow I hope you can get to a point where you are able to focus on your studies and not the drama. I had about 3 weeks of drama in my house (not with my husband) and almost failed out because I got distracted. Definitely want to avoid that. Good luck.

j_audrey · Mar 17, 2009

Nope, no kids. I don't think I would be making the decision to go back to school if I had some.

I don't think I have ever given him a reason to think I was leaving. His Ex left out of the blue though, so I think a lot of it has to do with paying for her mistakes.

I have told him that school comes before everything but him. I spend as much time as I am able to with him (at least a couple of hours a night, more on the weekends) and have told him that the schedule after school will be much better. I just don't know if he sees it.

I don't want to see this marriage go the way of my first, but it gets scary. I wish I was a mind reader.

NurseyBaby'05, BSN, RN · Mar 17, 2009

Dh was generally very supportive. We would have bad stretches here and there, mostly when money was tight. He would look at the short term and get mad that he couldn't buy "toys" (i.e. pocketknives, high end flashlights, watches, etc.) b/c I wasn't working full time. Then he would twist it so it was my fault. (Meanwhile, he was the one laid off and not working at all.) It was my fault b/c I was the one that told him no. :rolleyes: At one point I think I asked dh point blank was he trying to drive me away b/c that's what was happening and did he want that. It was by no means a miracle fix, but it did make him stop to think and tone down the 'tude.

I think sometimes it's hard to see that there is an end in sight re: no time, no money and the like. It really feels like it will always be that way both to us and the SOs (guys in particular).

Ayvasmom · Mar 17, 2009

Although my husband supports me in my career choice and schooling he does get VERY impatient. We have a toddler and I am so busy working full-time and going to school full-time he feels like all he does is watch our daughter, make dinner and clean the house. I on the other hand feel like I have a great balance. It is never easy when you have a family and have to go to school and work. Maybe try giving him special attention. I know you are busy but set a date night even once a month that you commit to. Even if it is just watching a movie on the sofa or making him his favorite dish at home. Make him feel special in some way. I really think that would help him be a little more supportive. Good luck!

Dottie, RN · Mar 17, 2009

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, but just try to reassure him that you still need him regardless of how stressed you are. It's not easy, but keep reminding him that school is temporary and you all will be so much better off after you graduate. Then he can continue his education, and also remind him that you'll be there to support him since he did it for you. I know what you're going through though.

I haven't started school yet, but my husband and I both decided that we are in no financial state for me to quit my full-time job, so I'll be starting the evening/weekend program in the fall while I continue working. He isn't too thrilled about it, and I already warned him that he'll have to take care of our kids a lot more than before, since I'll be going to school right after work four nights a week, and I'll be at clinicals every Saturday. His fear is that we won't see much of each other or spend a lot of time together and that we'll grow apart. (Thank goodness this is only for the 1st year!) And the thing is, he did it too...he worked full-time and went to school every other weekend for over a year, and the weekends he wasn't in school, he worked...and I didn't give him any grief! He's already graduated and found a job too. So I'm also a little upset as to why he's having issues with me doing it. Sorry...got off subject a bit, but had to vent about that!

Good luck with everything and I hope it works out between you and your hubby! :redpinkhe

Cilantrophobe · Mar 18, 2009

I know this sounds really screwed up but my husband has even admitted to saying things to me just to hurt me. He knows that I don't have anything without him, we have an 18 month old and I only have the educational background that I have earned so far. What I am saying is that I think some people can use that kind of control to put other people down, even if they don't mean it. To make themselves feel superior, even though they are already head of household, because at times they feel threatened. My husband has even asked me before if I was just using him to get ahead in life. Which is a total joke because I love him to death, and he means the world to me. But what I need to do a better job of is reminding him of how much I love him, and not how much I need him. Because despite what some people think, men don't always want to feel needed, they want to feel loved and wanted!

I don't know what your definition of rocky is but try to remember that most couples have big fights and arguments and the most important part is getting through it and growing stronger and smarter after every fight. My husband and I have had our fair share of big blowouts but I would never say that things were rocky. He just doesn't know how to fight fair and has said some terrible things that I know he didn't mean. Don't give up on him. You are probably just in a funk. I don't agree with divorce unless there is some sort of abuse or adultery going on. I refuse to give up on our relationship and I think more people should do the same.

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Mar 18, 2009

I understand a lot of what you are going through. I am not sure how my husband will be once I start the actual nursing program in August but it has been a bumpy ride. We have 4 children, been together for over 10 years, married 9 in July. When I first decided to go back to school it was a HUGE fight. He was not ok with it at all. He didn't want me working either. I didn't care and told him where the door was if he wasn't ok with it. I know he isn't jealous or insecure about the money aspect, or even education. He dropped out in like 8-9th grade never went back to get a GED or anything and makes 2-3 times more than I will ever make even as a nurse, running his own buisness. He always makes fun how he dropped out and does well. (although with this economy might be plan b time :| )

So I know he isn't worried about that and he knows I am smarter than him on book stuff and it doesn't bother him a bit. Shoot it probably bothers me more than anything. He is just insecure. Lots of back story I would have to get into as well. But he thinks being a nurse is like Greys anatomy where everyone is screwing everyone else and like I won't be able to control myself :rolleyes: He works around hot woman all the time though and I have told him, it's all about trust and you either have it or you don't.

Over the years of doing my Pre Reqs he has gotten a lot better, he used to be not supportive at all. Would not help with anything, it was all on me. But now he is excited about the extra income. For the past 3 years he has had to work out of state from Dec-April so that has been tough for me to do alone with 4 kids but that isn't his fault. I am worried what August will bring though. I have been the primary caretaker for the kids for 97% of the time and come August he will have to be Mr. Mom for the next 2 years minus breaks. We actually just got in a fight about it the other day because I was stressing to him how important it will be for his support, that I can't focus with the constant fighting and it has taken a toll on my schooling before but I can't let it now. He responded that he will help but he isn't going to be happy about it and wasn't going to hide the fact. Just made my blood boil, he didn't get it though, said "what I said I will still be supportive" I told him being supportive was helping and NOT letting me know how unhappy he was about it.

I understand a some of my husbands worries, for years when things have been bad I have flat out told him once I am a nurse I am GONE!! Things also have gotten a lot better sincr than as well.

It's a tough situation, I am told NS has ended many of relationships, and have also made many stronger. All you can do is pray or hope for the best outcome.

I know for me, no matter what the case may be when I am done with NS I will be ok in the end.

I hope everything works out for you, feel free to vent, usually you can find many people that can relate and it can be pretty refreshing to know your not alone.

I think I went way off tanget rambling so I apologize, I think it's past my bedtime. LOL

:heartbeat :)

jackson145 · Mar 18, 2009

Not to sound like a downer, but NS helped to end my marriage. I worked to put my husband through PN & then I was to go through RN once he found work as a LPN.

When I started the RN program, I had some of the same instructors he'd had. Curiously, they all had been led to believe he was single! Then 3rd semester, our group of 10 traditional RN students was joined by 30 LPN's going through the transition program. Several of them had been in my husband's original LPN class and remembered him well. He had asked most of them out on dates! After a LPN that he worked with showed up at my door with pictures & love letters they'd shared, I divorced him.

I worked to put him through NS, & now I'm having to make my own way. I've found work as a Nurse Tech to help pay the bills. The court awarded me the home we had shared and child support doesn't come anywhere near making the mortgage. I think I will appreciate everything I've done so much more for having done it on my own. I guess I didn't really need him after all. :)

I'm just glad I didn't stick around long enough to put him through the RN transition program! He'll have a hard time managing without my salary as a RN - he was planning on quiting his LPN job while he did his LPN-to-RN.

Dottie, RN · Mar 18, 2009

Not to sound like a downer, but NS helped to end my marriage. I worked to put my husband through PN & then I was to go through RN once he found work as a LPN.
When I started the RN program, I had some of the same instructors he'd had. Curiously, they all had been led to believe he was single! Then 3rd semester, our group of 10 traditional RN students was joined by 30 LPN's going through the transition program. Several of them had been in my husband's original LPN class and remembered him well. He had asked most of them out on dates! After a LPN that he worked with showed up at my door with pictures & love letters they'd shared, I divorced him.
I worked to put him through NS, & now I'm having to make my own way. I've found work as a Nurse Tech to help pay the bills. The court awarded me the home we had shared and child support doesn't come anywhere near making the mortgage. I think I will appreciate everything I've done so much more for having done it on my own. I guess I didn't really need him after all. :)
I'm just glad I didn't stick around long enough to put him through the RN transition program! He'll have a hard time managing without my salary as a RN - he was planning on quiting his LPN job while he did his LPN-to-RN.

Oh my, that's terrible! I'm so sorry this happened to you...that's so unfair to you. You know it's true what they say, an affair never goes unknown. Gosh, I can't believe he had the nerve to do that...either that, or he was too dumb to figure out you would eventually find out because you both went to the same school. But it was meant to happen and it helped you get out of a bad marriage. You didn't need him after all...and I'm sure you're better off without him anyway!