How to deal with unexpected deaths of nurses and other health care professionals

SmilingBluEyes · Aug 8, 2005

I am so sorry. One suggestion I did not see (sorry if I missed it)----perhaps counseling/therapy. Maybe just a session or two of counseling will help you cope--and put it in a place it does not hurt so much.

I had to do that when we lost a baby a couple years back on the unit---it was a horribly unexpected and unfortunate turn. NO it was not a coworker or friend, but the loss was horrendous and almost made me quit nursing. A "debriefing" is what I needed to put this in perspective and "get back on the horse" and ride again. My heart goes out to you.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 8, 2005

i tried to look to see if there was a death and dying section, but i had a hard time finding one. i wanted some advice on something that has been bothering me since february 25th. i had a fellow nurse die due to a motor car accident. left behind a 17 year old son. it hit the unit really hard because he was only 52. today i get a phone call saying that one of my friends just died in their sleep. reason unknown at this time. 24 year old firefighter/medic.(btw i'm only 24) no kids or wife. i'm just having a really really hard time understanding why this is happening this year. i take care of drug dealers and gang bangers, but the good ones that are trying to help society are leaving the earth? just need help getting through this one. thank you for any help you can give me.

i don't have any advice, really. i lost a co-worker and friend a few years ago. she'd just left her abusive marriage, and we talked a lot about it before she left her husband, because i'd been through an abusive marriage in the 80s. she was killed in a car accident late at night. at the funeral, i was sickened by her husband, parading around in the role of chief mourner. it took me a very long time to get over that. and then about a year later, i floated to another unit and had a very nice conversation with a young (20s) nurse named tim. he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, and i looked forward to the housewarming party that he invited me and dh to. he went home from work that night and died in his sleep. although i didn't know tim that well, i was devastated! he was so young, and so nice! and i don't know why or what happened.

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[color=#4b0082]you're not alone, confused. many of us have been through it!

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[color=#4b0082]ruby

confused101 · Aug 9, 2005

Thank you Ruby. Funeral services are Friday at 10am. Full Firefighter Honors. They say it comes in threes. My friend is going to two funeral services this week. We had the Lima company unit in our town. They lost 20 solders this month alone. Right now all of Ohio is saddened. One poster said when it rains it pores. I think that is true in this case. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

driftwood52 · Aug 9, 2005

Thank you to everyone that has posted. It is nice to know that some others have gone through the same. I like the planting idea. My husband and I are improving our property and we might plant a tree or a rose(I don't have much of a green thumb). I have my BSN graduation in May. There is a temporary monument that people put loved ones names on that could not be there in body or spirit. I started to smile much more about Joe(my nurse friend), but this knocked me back down. I'm a tough person usually when it comes to death. My father died when I was 9 due to an on the job accident, so this is not a new subject in my life. Again thank you for your kind words and prayers. I will certainly need them this week. I guess it is a good thing that I go back to school next Monday. That will be able to keep my eye on the prize and know that they will be so proud of my from above.

I am sorry for your loss, and I can identify at this very moment. Two weeks ago, I lost a wonderful ER nurse friend. He was at the beach with his grown children, riding the waves, the wave slammed his head into a sand bar then his body was flipped over, severing his spinal cord at C2-C3 (same as Christopher Reeve).......he was med=flighted to the nearest trauma center and had to be placed on the vent. He communicated through an alphabet board, after a week, he asked the doctors to stop the medications so that he could be clear headed. Then he communicated to his family that he could not live like this and asked the hospital personnel, ethics commitee etc. to be taken off life support. He passed peacefully with his family and friends by his side. This has devastated our hospital, it feels like a tomb. I have had a hard time not crying daily, but still have to go to work.

As others have said, we don't know WHY???? We will never know why as long as we live in this realm, so we all have to find a way to make something meaningful from the tragedy. Mike (my friend) was an awsome ER nurse for 24 years......he had a wonderful way of nursing patients and families facing the ER......the other day I was in our gift shop and saw a small silver cross. I decided to purchase it and wear it daily to work, and every time I reach up and feel that little cross, it will remind me to approach my patients and patient care with the love, ethusiasm, humor, empathy and dedication that Mike did.

Also a group at our hospital decided to get together and learn all we can about stem cell research, and support it somehow. Maybe due to stem cells - in the future, someone else will not have to die from a severed spinal cord like many people have.

Mike also spoke to me (without words), when he made his decision to cross over to the other side. He showed me what it is - not to fear death - what is death? - only a door to being with the great I AM, ALPHA AND OMEGA - the God who loves us, who created us and continues to be our strength in times like these.

I know this is long, but the issue has been so recent for me and my colleagues that I wanted to share the details with you. Mike's passing has also made us examine our own hearts, our own dedication to caring for others through nursing. Cry when you need to, let it out........prayers to you.

LPN_mn · Aug 9, 2005

I don't know that this will help much but wanted to share with you anyway. I loved my grandfather dearly. We had a very close relationship. I was not very close to my grandmother. My grandfather passed away very unexpectedly and I was devastated. I prayed and asked God why did he have to take the one that I loved so much? Why couldn't it have been my grandmother? I did not understand until about 2 years later when realized I had developed a very close relationship with my grandmother. If my grandfather had lived I would not have had the relationship with my grandmother that I developed after my grandfather's death. Now my grandmother is gone and I have very good memories of them both. If my grandmother had died first I would never have had the memories of her that I now have.

confused101 · Aug 10, 2005

I am sorry driftwood. I know that wierd feeling when you go to work and then to ask about anything it seems wrong, but you want to know on the other hand. Thank you all for the support and prayers and lets all do something special for someone this week to honor of our fellow nurses and heros. Could be just baking bread and giving it to the neighbor. Made me feel pretty good to share the joy that others that have passed on have given me.

snowfreeze, BSN, RN · Aug 10, 2005

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was a new mother. My children never knew my mom. She died of cancer when she was 42. Sharing with others does help in the healing but the pain never quite goes away. In time you gain an understanding and are able to help others cope, that is maybe the good thing that comes of these events in life. You are in a profession of helpful and understanding people as these post show. Cry, grieve, be human and acknowledge your loss.

purplemania, BSN, RN · Aug 10, 2005

We had two nurses from the same unit die within a few months. The unit created poems and photos for a memory wall, which provided comfort to all who saw it. We also had a memorial service for both in the hospital courtyard, with our chaplain presiding. Your memories honor your friendship.

Trauma Columnist · Aug 10, 2005

I'm kinda on the other side of the fence. Our 20 y/o son is currently severely depressed and in treatment. He lost his girlfriend, his job and a friend to a heroin OD all within a year. As the mom (he lives with us), it is sometimes so hard to know what to do for depressed people. I don't have any answers but your replies have added to my understanding. Thanks everyone.

mandrews · Aug 10, 2005

I tried to look to see if there was a death and dying section, but I had a hard time finding one. I wanted some advice on something that has been bothering me since February 25th. I had a fellow nurse die due to a motor car accident. Left behind a 17 year old son. It hit the unit really hard because he was only 52. Today I get a phone call saying that one of my friends just died in their sleep. Reason unknown at this time. 24 year old firefighter/medic.(BTW I'm only 24) No kids or wife. I'm just having a really really hard time understanding why this is happening this year. I take care of drug dealers and gang bangers, but the good ones that are trying to help society are leaving the earth? Just need help getting through this one. Thank you for any help you can give me.

I forget what it is called but in my HR office you can get referred for councilling. I had to go through them to get my son checked for add and I went to councilling with him.

melissa

Quailfeather · Aug 11, 2005

This thread brings up an important issue. We really need a place on this site where nurses can go to share their grief and/or offer support to others who are grieving. Sometimes it is hard to just jump in and say, "I am so sad", when most of the threads are about other work-related issues.

I can empathize with the original poster's grief. Over my career, I have lost several colleagues to illness or accident. There is no easy way around it. It helps if there are others who understand and can share in the grief. Sometimes just writing about it helps.

Two months ago, paramedics brought my 8-year-old granddaughter into the ER where I was on duty. She had drowned in the lake. In my 17 years as an ER nurse, nothing could prepare me for the shock and devastation of that day. I guess I am still having difficulty since it is very hard for me to even talk about it. Thank you for starting this thread. Maybe it will be the first step in healing for all of us who have unresolved grief issues.

fusster · Aug 11, 2005

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my uncle a week and a half ago to cancer and my cousin a year ago to ALS. I don't know if you're religious or not, but what always helps me get through it is thinking how amazing things are in heaven and how wonderful it must be to be there. My mom, who is an artist, always talks about how much she wants to go to heaven to see all the colors that don't exist on earth. Guess that's just the artist in her talking. I just try to think like that and it really helps me.