How to deal with colleague

Sour Lemon · Feb 1, 2018

Hi guys,
There was a colleague at work( who happens to be the team-leader) who was a little disrespectful. He called my name by shouting with an angry tone in his voice, several times.
Also in the same day, I asked him to do something and later when I asked him, he said he forgot.
And I heard him later criticizing me (unwarranted)with his friend who is also a colleague.
I did not talk to him after this. I did not even say hi to him. I ignored him and whenever I need something I walk by him and ask the person near to him, while ignoring him. Do men notice this behavior?
What would you you do if you were in my place?
I will see him tomorrow, I don't know, should I keep ignoring him completely?

There's not enough information here for me to make a final determination ....but in general, I tend to go straight to the source of the problem (respectfully) and hash things out. If he is the "team leader" and you're working under him, you may have to tolerate some behavior that seems unfair. Choose your battles. Rarely are the people in charge perfect specimens.

Davey Do · Feb 1, 2018

Hi guys

Hi Sarah!

What would you you do if you were in my place?

Well, let's hear about the situation.

There was a colleague at work( who happens to be the team-leader) who was a little disrespectful. He called my name by shouting with an angry tone in his voice, several times.

I would have calmly approached the bully and in a low tone of voice say, "Exsqueeze me, sir, but you need to speak respectfully to me or deal with the ramifications of your actions in HR- Then you will have some 'splainin' to do, Lucy!"

Anything else?

And I heard him later criticizing me (unwarranted)with his friend who is also a colleague.

I would have confronted him on this behavior, quoting the great philosopher Gilligan (of "Gilligan's Island") and said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones.. but, please- don't throw sticks or stones!"

I did not talk to him after this. I did not even say hi to him. I ignored him and whenever I need something I walk by him and ask the person near to him, while ignoring him. Do men notice this behavior?

Well, I can't speak for all men, but I've found that if someone I don't really care for ignores me, I'm getting what I want: Them to leave me the heck alone!

Anything else?

I will see him tomorrow, I don't know, should I keep ignoring him completely?

ACT-SHOO-ALL-LEE, Sarah, and in all seriousness, this individual needs to be confronted on his behavior. Just give him enough information to make him stop and think.

For example, you could say something like, "I don't care for the way I've been treated. If this continues, you will have to deal with the ramifications of your actions".

You will be owning your feelings my saying something like "I don't care for..." or "I feel disrespected..." If we make statements like "You did this..." it will get him on the defensive and we don't want him to argue or defend himself. He can't argue with how you feel.

In not being specific about the behavior ("for the way I've been treated"), he will have to ask himself, "What did I do?"

By being vague in saying, "you will have to deal with the ramifications of your behavior" leaves the possibilities open for interpretation and allows you time to formulate a plan. If he presses you, respond with something like, "I've said my piece" which leaves you in control of the situation.

It might even be a good idea to walk away after you've said your piece.

Good luck to you in dealing with this individual, Sarah!

Davey Do · Feb 1, 2018

team-leader... disrespectful

Abraham Lincoln said, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

Just some food for thought.

Cat365 · Feb 2, 2018

I don't know the whole situation, but I would return to work and behave professionally. I would not go out of my way to interact but I wouldn't ignore him either. That generally just makes you look childish. It is also a feminine thing to do and since he's male he will either not notice or it will confirm his low opinion of you, rightly or wrongly.

With any further rudeness I would confront directly but calmly. If he shouted my name I might look at him and say "There is no need to shout. I'm not hard of hearing." If said calmly it can make him look like HE is the out of control one.

Of course I once called my boss an ass in a way that left him looking silly if he responded. That was years ago and it still makes me chuckle.

beekee · Feb 2, 2018

Hoping someone notices that you are ignoring them is immature, unprofessional, and unlikely to garner the response you want. I doubt that I'd really notice someone ignoring me. I am too busy and probably don't care enough to notice. Davey Do's advice is excellent.

saskrn · Feb 2, 2018

Hi guys,
There was a colleague at work( who happens to be the team-leader) who was a little disrespectful. He called my name by shouting with an angry tone in his voice, several times.
Also in the same day, I asked him to do something and later when I asked him, he said he forgot.
And I heard him later criticizing me (unwarranted)with his friend who is also a colleague.
I did not talk to him after this. I did not even say hi to him. I ignored him and whenever I need something I walk by him and ask the person near to him, while ignoring him. Do men notice this behavior?
What would you you do if you were in my place?
I will see him tomorrow, I don't know, should I keep ignoring him completely?

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but the behavior from both of you sounds juvenile, as does your plan to ignore him.

You're a professional, and you need to address this in a professional manner. Approach him and ask him if you can speak with him privately, then respectfully voice your concerns.

Do NOT threaten him with any type of repercussions. Not only will this NOT help the situation/conversation, but often hospitals will not tolerate threats, plus he is your team leader. If the situation continues to worsen, then you can consider what more you need to do.

Be mature, respectful, polite and professional. Don't give him a reason to complain about you to your manager, DON, etc.

Good luck!

allnurses Guide · Feb 2, 2018

It has been my experience that "ignoring" someone:

A. Is never effective, whether toward a male OR a female (not sure why gender would matter)

B. Is never actually "ignoring" them, but more like making a point of ignoring them, which is always obvious

C. Does nothing but escalate the problem

D. Makes a hostile work environment for all the unfortunates stuck between two people who can't talk to one another like grown ups and then get the heck over it.

Seriously. Stop it. Go talk to him. Give the respect you are requesting for yourself during that talk. Deal with it like an adult and then move on.

Been there,done that, ASN, RN · Feb 2, 2018

Ignoring him is not going to stop his outrageous behavior. Write him up and line up witnesses.

brownbook · Feb 2, 2018

Yes to what every one has said.

I imagine you walking around feeling angry, glaering at him, grinding your teeth, elevating your blood pressure, etc., thinking, "I'm ignoring you, nayh nayh nayh,". While he doesn't notice, couldn't care less, or if confronted makes excuses and turns the blame back on you.

In spite of him probably being defensive and blaming you, confront him. Be a broken record. Make "I" statements as Davy Do suggested.

Re-read the quote on not.done.yet. posts by Maya Angelou, don't berate yourself for not speaking up or confronting him when it happened.

TriciaJ, RN · Feb 2, 2018

The term "passive-aggressive" is a widely misused term on this site and elsewhere. However, making a point of ignoring someone out of anger is the definition of passive-aggressive. It's also childish and unprofessional.

Draw a line under the whole thing and hope it isn't repeated. Behave as the polite, professional, in-control-of-yourself person that you are. No ignoring, no snooty attitude. Have a plan for the next transgression, if there is one. Call him out on each behaviour as it happens. He calls your name disrespectfully? "No need to holler like that. I'm not deaf and that did sound disrespectful. Now what do you need?" You overhear him speaking negatively about you to others: "I'm always receptive to feedback. If I've messed something up, please let me know so I can fix it."

You can take away his power to bully you, empower him to be a decent leader and retain your power to behave professionally and remain in control.

macawake, MSN · Feb 3, 2018

Hi guys,There was a colleague at work( who happens to be the team-leader) who was a little disrespectful. He called my name by shouting with an angry tone in his voice, several times.Also in the same day, I asked him to do something and later when I asked him, he said he forgot.And I heard him later criticizing me (unwarranted) with his friend who is also a colleague.

In your own words, you said he was a LITTLE disrespectful. While what you describe certainly sounds like it needs to be addressed, I don't think the situation currently necessitates any major drama. Just curious, what was the situation where he called your name in a raised and what you interpreted as an angry voice? Is disrespect the only possible explanation or could there be some other reason for it?

I did not talk to him after this. I did not even say hi to him. I ignored him and whenever I need something I walk by him and ask the person near to him, while ignoring him.

What is the silent treatment meant to accomplish? Show that you are displeased? Punishment for slights, perceived or real? Both you and your team-leader are part of the healthcare team. Poor communication and hostility between team members can pose a risk to patient safety. What if you had to ask something or convey something important about a patient and there wasn't another person present "near to him" that you could turn to while continuing to ignore him? Would you have talked to him if an urgent situation had arisen?

Do men notice this behavior?

Both men and women will likely notice if a coworker makes a point out of repeatedly ignoring them and walking right past them. I fail to see why gender would make a difference. How much a person cares though, is a completely different matter and highly individual and likely depending on the situation.

What would you you do if you were in my place?

I would have talked to him then and there and simply explained how I expect for us to interact in the workplace. Mutual respect.

I will see him tomorrow, I don't know, should I keep ignoring him completely?

No. It will only create a negative atmosphere and I doubt that it will solve anything. Conflicts that are allowed to fester are usually harder to resolve than they are if you simply "nip them in the bud" at an early stage. Good luck!