guilt trip

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Specializes in Trauma Surgery.

"No acquisitions of guilt can compensate the loss of that solid inward comfort of mind, which is the sure companion of innocence and virtue; nor can in the least balance the evil of that horror and anxiety which, in their room, guilt introduces into our bosoms."

September 08, 2011. Today was supposed to be my day off, so I indulged in a few extra hours of sleep since I was so busy from my evening shift the previous day. I am aware that I was put on-call for the 2-10pm shift, so I have set my alarm to ring at 10am. At 9:30 am, I was awakened by my ringing phone. I barely recognized the name on the screen before I answered with a sleepy "hello?". It was my colleague, telling me that my schedule has been changed. The morning charge nurse adjusted the roster because the night staff nurses were short of one and there's no on call available. I had to come for night duty and tomorrow would be my day off. Reluctantly, I agreed. I got up and completed my chores for the day so I can have my late afternoon nap before going for night duty.

I went to bed at 5pm and set the alarm, I was ever afraid that I would oversleep. Being late is intolerable for me. At 6:30pm, my cousin woke me up because I have a phone call from the hospital. The evening charge nurse called to inform me that because of the low patient census, they changed my duty from night shift today to morning tomorrow. But if the patient census rises before the end of the evening shift, I will come for night duty. Naturally, I was upset. My schedule was messed up. It was one thing to be on call for one shift but to keep stand by for all 3 shifts?! It was unthinkable. I told the charge nurse that it was not fair. They could not just change my duty by their whim. She said either I accept the change or one of the night staffs will be pulled out of the unit to go help the other wards where there is shortage.

I know the unit situation and I understand that we are understaffed but it doesn't change the fact that I am entitled to at least one day off per week. I think I deserve a day to rest, do my chores, or go out with my friends and family without thinking of the hospital. I think I deserve a day to indulge myself GUILT FREE.

When I made it clear that I was not going to accept the change in my duty, the charge nurse went below the belt. "Well, if that's your stand. Then just think about one of your friends who will be pulled out and have their duty on another ward. Just think of the staff who will be working 12hours tomorrow because you refused morning duty." Those were her words. She used my affection for my colleagues against me. I know I was going to lose. Even when I hated her for guilt tripping me, I can't help but concede to the change. I know I have a right to refuse but, if my claim to that right means inconvenience for others, I wouldn't stake my claim.

I know I am weak. It is my fault that I am being manipulated into doing something I am uncomfortable with. All I can do is rant about it and go on with my life. I hate myself for being this way, but I hate the people who use guilt to make things go their way more. i know I'll receive negative comments on this article, but I guess the readers will just confirm what I already know. J I'm weak, stupid and malleable!!! :mad:

Thanks for taking time to read this. :nurse:

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Specializes in ICU/ER.

I work on units that are often understaffed. In no way can you not stand your ground. The second one of those RNs want to guilt trip you it's your job to turn the tables on them. You are simply asking for something reasonable, not being unruly. Maybe those RNs will act like you're in the wrong, but knowing your limits is the difference between safety and your license at times.

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Specializes in Acute Mental Health.

I agree with standing your ground, but I also understand how difficult it is. Many of us are in the same situation as yours. I've worked doubles because coworkers have called in and even though I'm upset for having to stay, I get it. I don't feel the guilt of saying no any longer. I give enough and it never seems to be enough for them, but it is for me. In the end, we have to take care of ourselves too!

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Specializes in FNP.

I wouldn't go so far as to say "weak, stupid and malleable." Just learn form the experience so next time you are prepared for that and have an answer handy. I'd have said something like: "That's unfortunate, but of course we both know this is a systems problem and no fault can be put on an individual, least of all me (insert light laugh here for emphasis). Let me know if there is some way I could assist in better systems planning to avoid this in the future. See you soon, bye." Then you HANG UP.

Look out for yourself, b/c no one else will.

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Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

We are nurses are guilt ridden by nature. I think it's extremely uinfair for them to make you adjust your personal life to their whim. I'd understand the first one....maybe.....but I would have asked first before just changing it and letting you know when to show up. But to do that twice!!! You have very reason to be P.O'd and need to discuss being on call for all three shifts with your manager because somebody is dropping the ball.

I like linearthinker's......"That's unfortunate, but of course we both know this is a systems problem and no fault can be put on an individual, least of all me (insert light laugh here for emphasis). Let me know if there is some way I could assist in better systems planning to avoid this in the future. See you soon, bye." That and I don't answer the phone without looking at the caller ID....:)

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Specializes in Trauma Surgery.
I wouldn't go so far as to say "weak, stupid and malleable." Just learn form the experience so next time you are prepared for that and have an answer handy. I'd have said something like: "That's unfortunate, but of course we both know this is a systems problem and no fault can be put on an individual, least of all me (insert light laugh here for emphasis). Let me know if there is some way I could assist in better systems planning to avoid this in the future. See you soon, bye." Then you HANG UP.

Look out for yourself, b/c no one else will.

gee, thanks guys.. i appreciate all your help and sympathy. :) you all made me feel better.. :) i like lineartthinker's response to the situation, i think i'm gonna use it the next time it happens to me. though, i'm praying very hard that there will be no next time. :) i'll follow esme's advise too, i'll look at the caller id before answering the phone. :) thanks again guys. :redpinkhe

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Specializes in Acute Mental Health.

I like the comment about checking the id and not answering. I'm guilty of that for sure!!

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As long as you keep saying yes, they will keep doing it. Just dont answer your phone on your days off. Problem solved.

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in addition, i'd have no problem speaking to the charge nurse who guilted you into coming in.

it was manipulative and unprofessional.

but yeah, i think we all need to think of pretexted plans, to help us with the moments we didn't see coming.:)

leslie

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I struggle with the same issue. I have had a co-worker ask me if I wouldn't come in if I knew my co-worker needed me. I hate manipulation and guilt trips. I have finally decided that my life and happiness has a major impact on my work life. I can't live the rest of my life resenting the horrible working conditions I'm experiencing. If I allow the manipulation then the powers that be will never change the working conditions. Our patients also deserve the best care possible and they aren't receiveing that if the RN's are exhausted, angry, and burned out.

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So I said yes nearly every time I was asked, went all over a 5 county area so I would be a team player, got awards and rewards. Then I spoke up at a meeting when I felt we were all being abused over paperwork issues. I was soon fired because I didn't set a good example for the 'newer' staff, many of whom I had oriented, mentored and/or preceptored.

After I was fired, my photo appeared on the quarterly magazine.....

Save your own life first. Who will take care of the caregivers if they cannot take care of themselves?

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Specializes in Psychiatric, Home Health, Geriatrics.

Guys, isn't that part of the DON/ADON's job, to assure adequate staffing? They are on salary for that reason, THEY are responsible to fill in when necessary, not anyone else; they are just hoping that they won't have to come in by finding someone else to do it for them when THEY are the ones who get paid the big bucks... what is wrong with this picture?

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