"No acquisitions of guilt can compensate the loss of that solid inward comfort of mind, which is the sure companion of innocence and virtue; nor can in the least balance the evil of that horror and anxiety which, in their room, guilt introduces into our bosoms."
September 08, 2011. Today was supposed to be my day off, so I indulged in a few extra hours of sleep since I was so busy from my evening shift the previous day. I am aware that I was put on-call for the 2-10pm shift, so I have set my alarm to ring at 10am. At 9:30 am, I was awakened by my ringing phone. I barely recognized the name on the screen before I answered with a sleepy "hello?". It was my colleague, telling me that my schedule has been changed. The morning charge nurse adjusted the roster because the night staff nurses were short of one and there's no on call available. I had to come for night duty and tomorrow would be my day off. Reluctantly, I agreed. I got up and completed my chores for the day so I can have my late afternoon nap before going for night duty.
I went to bed at 5pm and set the alarm, I was ever afraid that I would oversleep. Being late is intolerable for me. At 6:30pm, my cousin woke me up because I have a phone call from the hospital. The evening charge nurse called to inform me that because of the low patient census, they changed my duty from night shift today to morning tomorrow. But if the patient census rises before the end of the evening shift, I will come for night duty. Naturally, I was upset. My schedule was messed up. It was one thing to be on call for one shift but to keep stand by for all 3 shifts?! It was unthinkable. I told the charge nurse that it was not fair. They could not just change my duty by their whim. She said either I accept the change or one of the night staffs will be pulled out of the unit to go help the other wards where there is shortage.
I know the unit situation and I understand that we are understaffed but it doesn't change the fact that I am entitled to at least one day off per week. I think I deserve a day to rest, do my chores, or go out with my friends and family without thinking of the hospital. I think I deserve a day to indulge myself GUILT FREE.
When I made it clear that I was not going to accept the change in my duty, the charge nurse went below the belt. "Well, if that's your stand. Then just think about one of your friends who will be pulled out and have their duty on another ward. Just think of the staff who will be working 12hours tomorrow because you refused morning duty." Those were her words. She used my affection for my colleagues against me. I know I was going to lose. Even when I hated her for guilt tripping me, I can't help but concede to the change. I know I have a right to refuse but, if my claim to that right means inconvenience for others, I wouldn't stake my claim.
I know I am weak. It is my fault that I am being manipulated into doing something I am uncomfortable with. All I can do is rant about it and go on with my life. I hate myself for being this way, but I hate the people who use guilt to make things go their way more. i know I'll receive negative comments on this article, but I guess the readers will just confirm what I already know. J I'm weak, stupid and malleable!!!
