need help for severe depression

CHATSDALE · Jan 12, 2005

if you had a broken leg you would not be expected to 'snap out of it and go dancing' do the the same with a problem that other people cannot see...get help....use a med...if you were not depressed before this series of horrid events you may not need the med on a long term basis...but it you do, remember the advise you have received here...no shame in taking meds for a condition...you would not look down on someone with diabetes for taking insulin every day...God bless you...i know that you will come out the other side with a good life and the will to go on

DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN · Jan 12, 2005

You can't snap out of depression anymore than you can snap out of diabetes. You cannot talk yourself out of depression, you can not get up and pull yourself out of it. If someone has never suffered from depression they have no basis on which to judge their advice. Friends can offer advice, they can comfort you but only seriously take advice from someone who has been in your shoes.

I've been where you are. Take it from someone who knows, anti-depressants + talk therapy is the only good plan for depression. Find a highly-recommended psychiatrist.

Do not take to heart what "D" has posted. She has, by her own admission, never been clinically depressed and I would agree that her post seems cold hearted. I'm sure she didn't mean to come across that way. Some people just believe in closing their eyes and going on and not looking back. Were all made different and there's no shame in that. I was so depressed + had PTSD and I had to quit my job. I couldn't go to work much less get out of the bed for days at a time. When I did go to a psychiatrist I was a new person within a month and back to work. That's been 7 years ago and I still see him once a month for talk therapy. God Bless and please keep us updated.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Jan 12, 2005

Good luck to you. I read your post before you got any response, but wasn't sure how to offer any support, except to say I'm sorry you've been through so much and hope you are feeling better real soon.

judy ann · Jan 12, 2005

Bless you. I've been there, and will pray that you get relief.

I have discribed depression as a black vortex that keeps spinning you deeper and deeper. To even suggest that one can "lift yourself up" shows a lack of understanding, and a lack of feeling.

I have been treated for depression for 12 years, and had probably been depressed since childhood. There is no shame to this disease. The brain lacks adequate seratonin to function any other way. Until a means of improving seratonin levels in the brain, depression is unreleaved.

My depression had little or nothing to do with situations in my life, therefore I was unable to "rise above" or to "turn my back and go on." I thank the NM that sent me to a councilor. She was more than a NM, more than a friend. She was a guardian angel. I have told her this many times, and give thanks for her regularly. She no longer lives here, and I have lost physical contact with her, but I could never loose emotional contact with her.

Suffise it to say, I am in your corner, and if you need to reach out to someone for help, don't hesitate to e-mail me. I care. :saint:

Fuzzy · Jan 12, 2005

Hi Needs Help,

I'm also one of those people that suffer from the depression demons especially this time of year. You are not alone. The trauma that you have been through in the past year would have broken more people down than you realize. You are a strong person to have not broken down and asked for help until now. You do not need to suffer alone or in silence. Talk to friends, family, a therapist, anyone who will listen. As far as medication...depression cannot be treated in a "cookie cutter" way. Try to be patient with the medications. I know it's hard but it takes time to find a good mix that will work for YOU. I have learned from experience that what works for for one person will not work well for another. BTW I'm one of those bipolar people so tomorrow can easily be a different day for me. Plus I'm a poster child for medicine trials. Somedays, I feel like a lab rat for medication testing.

Fuzzy

Thunderwolf, MSN, RN · Jan 12, 2005

Needs Help,

I hope you are encouraged by others here as they relay their support for you, many self disclosing their own past and current dealings with major depression. One of the most frustrating things about major depression is that many folks just don't understand it, confusing it with the blues. Some folks don't want to understand it. You need to simply acknowledge their ignorance for what it is. However, there are many who have went through it themselves or have known a loved one who has. It is indeed suffering. Major depression is often a total shutdown of the person...mind, heart, body, and soul. You would not believe how many nurses suffer from depression. For your benefit (not mine), I will self disclose some. I suffered a 5 year bout of depression and PTSD. Prior and during this, I was at the peak of my profession. Prior to all this, I had excelled in just about every endeavor I placed myself in. I was a Clinical Nurse Specialist in Mental Health and a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. I helped scores of folks over my 10 year history in working in the field...outpt and inpt. But, then the stress of work and outside of work caved me in. In one year's time, the following happened: a close RN friend of 28 years old died suddenly of a MI; another friend almost dying from a brain aneurysm; my wife and small children were in a major car crash, all on back boards in the ER...my youngest with a major spine fracture that could have left her paralyzed, requiring two major surgeries; a patient suicided on my unit by hanging, my trying to save him, cutting him down and doing CPR, and dying; a caustic mother-in-law who acted like a dry drunk who lived in our house; and my marriage falling apart. As a counselor/CNS, I was ashamed that I couldn't pull myself together...couldn't do it myself. My wife was very unsupportive and did not want to understand. The mother-in-law, being from the old school,...be a man, pull up your boot straps. But, I couldn't. I couldn't, despite my best efforts. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, had frequent nightmares and flashbacks, had frequent spells of crying and irritability, energy poor, no interest at all for sex, couldn't concentrate, isolated myself, and nothing mattered anymore, feeling dead from the inside out. I had it very rough as a child growing up, left that part of my past behind...never slowing me down. It was more of a push in my life to excell than to fail. BUT, with all the stress, I began developing PTSD from past and current stressors. I couldn't function. And the depression for me was like "my soul caught between two pieces of sand paper, grating it into nothingness". Things stopped being meaningful. I saw all that I accomplished in my life, accomplishing much, but in depression...it had no meaning for me any more. I saw a psychiatrist (despite my wife's not wanting me too because she didn't want anyone to know, especially an insurance company), saw a counselor and was on about 5 meds. At this point in my life, the choice was pretty clear...live or die. I chose to live. I did it for myself and for my kids. Daddy needed help, even if he had to fight through his wife to get it. My symptoms were pretty severe. Had to take leave of absence from work, much to my wife's and mother-in-law's shame. I was hospitalized twice for a couple days. I needed the break...from everything. One thing gave me some encouragement. During one hospitalization, my room mate was a SURGEON...also in for depression. We were put together because we were care professionals. So, it happens to many of us. I switched out of mental health nursing, despite my counselor telling me that this was so unnecessary. She told me that I would be most helpful to others now if I stayed in the profession because of my personal experience with depression and PTSD. But, I believed I needed a break from this and that I could no longer be helpful. I switched out of mental health and into med-surg, my other interest and passion which I had been doing all along off and on, never really leaving it. I gave up my CNS and my counselor licenses, because I needed to for myself...a total change. I still have the knowledge base. It comes in handy quite often on the floor. My counselor and psychiatrist both saw how my wife was so unsupportive, and in many ways, preventing my progress out of depression and PTSD. We divorced because we could not give what each other needed any more. It was best for me. It was best for my kids, because they deserved a better father. We both were mindful, however, to make as little change as possible for our children. To date, our children have adjusted well. I see my kids regularly. The divorce was a good thing, because it allowed me to focus on my needs and not feel shamed for it or to be hampered from it. I gave my wife the house, the kids, and half my pay...for my kids. I am not a deadbeat dad. To make a long story short, I am now doc free, counselor free, and med free. It took five years, for me, but it did end. I had to make changes for myself that were in my control. Much of what kicked started this stuff off for me were things that were out of my control. I had to put myself back into the equation and get my life back together. For me, I had to make some hard choices and hard decisions for myself. Looking at how far I've come, I know I did the right thing, at least for myself. Currently, I'm good at what I do at work as a med-surg nurse, often seen as a resource. I'm planning on returning back for my Doctorate in a couple years after my kids are a little older. And, I stay actively involved with my kids on my days off.

Needs Help, I hope this was helpful to you. I don't know how else to support you other than to let you know that you are not alone. You have many people who understand here...they've been through it or have suffered along with a loved one who has. I encourage you to get help. Meds and counseling is the way to go. If you won't do it for yourself or your family, do it for us.

I wish you my very best in health.

mattsmom81 · Jan 12, 2005

Thunderwolf your story blew me away...thanks so much for sharing. It gives me and others suffering from depression so much hope. :)

I too was raised in a 'shame based' family and local culture where one must not be perceived as weak. This can be so self destructive and prevent reaching out for help.

I'm so glad you are doing better...I am too (thanks for asking Renerian) but I have a looong ways to go so far as exorcising my own demons. Perfectionism and shame being 2 biggies of mine.

Sincere (((HUGS))) to all here. PM or email anytime.

SmilingBluEyes · Jan 12, 2005

Having battled depression that is very debilitating at times, I can tell you a few things:

Find a really good psychotherapist (you really MUST do this to make permanent changes that affect your moods and life, I believe.) Talk therapy is very important---and talking to an outside party is critical.

Find a good doctor and meds that work. (it may take time, cause not all meds are for everyone and not all work the same. and drugs must be titrated to work right for YOU...)

You COULD try "light therapy", if you notice depression is worse in winter months, like ME. There are light boxes they sell to help your serotonin levels stay up in a way that mitigates depression linked to low serotonin levels.

If you believe in it (I DO), find a good reiki or energy healer. Sometimes energy healing is a GREAT way to tackle negatives energies/issues in our lives. I have seen a reiki practicioner and I am a BELIEVER now. It's worth a try but your mind must be open. This can be complex and energy/reiki healers may suggest dietary and lifestyle changes that challenge you------so go prepared, but again, with an open mind.

Also accupuncture has been documented to help with all kinds of issues from backache/chronic pain syndromes, menstrual problems and menopause to depression. If you can, find a good accupuncturist to help you out, if you are open to this.

Another potential suggestion is a spiritual one. If you are a person of faith, you might seek spiritual guidance/counseling as another answer. I would strongly suggest this if you have not already, and have that need. It may help you a LOT).

I hope this helps. I think depression is a multi-faceted problem that needs a multi-disciplinary approach in treatment. I wish you well, my friend. I am so sorry for all you are going through.

SmilingBluEyes · Jan 12, 2005

Thunderwolf your story blew me away...thanks so much for sharing. It gives me and others suffering from depression so much hope. :)
I too was raised in a 'shame based' family and local culture where one must not be perceived as weak. This can be so self destructive and prevent reaching out for help.
I'm so glad you are doing better...I am too (thanks for asking Renerian) but I have a looong ways to go so far as exorcising my own demons. Perfectionism and shame being 2 biggies of mine.
Sincere (((HUGS))) to all here. PM or email anytime.

You sound a lot like me, mattsmom!

CHATSDALE · Jan 12, 2005

wolfy..you are an absolute inspiration...i know that you have had a time but you are proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...wife and her mother were acting out of ignorance...but i know that it can be a terrible burden esp when you are so over-burdened anyway...i am so happy that you have found yourself..

lsyorke, RN · Jan 12, 2005

"It took five years, for me, but it did end. I had to make changes for myself that were in my control. Much of what kicked started this stuff off for me were things that were out of my control. I had to put myself back into the equation and get my life back together

Wolfie, you are an inspiration to those who suffer. Taking a realistic look at where we are and where we're going is the first step in healing. Recognizing that we've created a toxic mental environment is key! Good for you for making the very hard decisions to improve your mental health. The freedom is in you!

Thunderwolf, MSN, RN · Jan 12, 2005

I normally do not throw my stuff on the table like that. I make great effort to set my boundaries and abide by them. However, I had to reflect upon what would NEEDS HELP need to hear while going through all of this. Again, it is indeed suffering. And it doesn't matter how big or strong or wise one is. Pack on enough unrelenting stress on anyone over a period of time and you get pushed to your threshold. Something has to give or break down. And it does. It never happened to me before other than that 5 year period. I am not ashamed by it, but nether am I proud of it. But, I had to say the words that I thought our sister on the board would hear, that would bring some degree of comfort to her and direct her to help. I still have the ups and downs of life like anyone else does as a nurse and as a parent who is now divorced...life can be a cruel master if you let it. I've done very well for myself the past 2 years. I had a little setback last year and I want to emphasize that it was a little one. It occurred when another patient suicided on my med-surg floor, a man who gave no signs at all to staff, but did to his wife after reflecting upon the incident. She did nothing and ignored his suffering...in fact went shopping with "the girls" in case he might that day. Yes, they were financially well off. But, she wasn't going to let her husband ruin her day. How sad. After the incident, she disclosed that he was a stoic man, never reaching for help, "a take care of myself" type of guy. She also disclosed that she knew he might, but decided to not share this with staff. It set me back some, especially when I saw the man's suicide note after it was retrieved from within his bedside stand. When I saw it, I broke out in immediate tears. He was a good man, but suffered in silence, not wanting to lose face. I felt his loss acutely, although I never knew this man on the outside from work. It was like losing a brother in a way...another human being. He was a good man, courteous, understanding, and ever so patient. Some folks were supportive to me since they knew I had once worked in the mental health field. However, in a way, he was a throw back for me to the previous patient who suicided in front of me. One new nurse's comment was not helpful, seeing it as a charge in a way like something you'd see on a TV reality show, making the comment "IT's REAL". I told this nurse that I have had enough realism in my life to last a life time. No, the comment wasn't helpful...but, this nurse is young and new to the field and could not see it since he didn't know me well, but he did take me out for a drink after work to debrief a little. In his way, he gave me what I needed at the time...a buddy. In that, I was very appreciative of him. No, I don't make it my business to share in this manner. Folks on my floor do not know about my past bout of depression and PTSD, nor really should they. It is none of their business. However, I believed this time...for NeedsHelp...it was appropriate to self disclose. There is a light at the end of tunnel. The key thing to remember is that you are not alone, others have gone before you, and the importance of taking one step at a time (with support by your side) out of the tunnel can not be overemphasized. Eventually, you'll see the sunshine again. If this was helpful to my other brothers and sisters on the board, I'm glad that it may have lighten their load. But, again, my original focus here was for NeedsHelp. To not repond as I did...well, I could not of with good conscience ignore her plea. NeedsHelp, get the help and support that you need. You did a brave thing reaching out. It is the first step.