How do you handle rude comments?

Nurses General Nursing

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Long story short, my sister and my mom both have cancer right now. My mom had breast cancer, which is now in her stomach. My sister has breast cancer and she just had a double mastectomy. I have been under a lot of stress, needless to say.

So, when I told a very close friend of mine that my sister had breast cancer, her first response was "does she eat a lot of sugar?" I was shocked. I tend to not know how to respond when people say rude, insensitive things. I have learned there are many different causes of breast cancer. My sister happens to have a breast cancer gene, no not BRCA. Anyway, then recently when I told this same friend about my sister's mastectomy she asked "So does this mean she will be flat as a board??" I just said "yep!!" Then, the more I thought about what she said the more angry I became over the next few days. This friend is not in the medical field, but I think the majority of women know what a mastectomy is...don't they?? So, I chalked it up to ignorance. I discussed it with her later and she claimed she wasn't sure because I have been acting so "normal" about it all, like it isn't very serious or something. I told her I don't cry every single minute about it, but it is very serious. Then same friend asked me if my sister had missed some mammograms. Mind you, I had already told this friend about her diagnosis. The radiologist my sister had missed the cancer on a mammogram. Anyway, I just feel like this friend has pointed all fingers at my sister, like the cancer is her "fault". The "flat as a board" comment is hard to get out of my head. I have been avoiding this friend because of this. She told me she would never say anything to hurt my feelings. Well, then people really need to be careful before they open their mouths!

Then a nurse at work was talking to me about breast cancer. Her sister died from it, so you would think she would be sensitive about commenting on my sister. She actually told me "Did you know the percentage of men leaving their wives after a mastectomy is really high?" Wow. Just wow. I really have learned to be very very careful who I talk to!!

Has anyone experienced this??

One more thing....my so-called close friend was the first person I called when I found out my mom's breast cancer had spread to her stomach...which is incurable. I cried to my friend for almost 20-30 minutes. This was a few months ago. Them, just recently I mentioned to her something about my mom's stomach cancer and the friend said "your mom has stomach cancer??" OMG. My jaw literally dropped. My friend is becoming not so close anymore. This is proof she doesn't listen very well. I had told her my mom was vomiting for over a year...usually people close to you would remember something like that. Or do I just expect too much? Thanks for letting me vent. I have talked to other people with cancer who say they have lost friends because of rude comments. I think my friend isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

I love the quote (and I forget who to credit with it) "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you need them to doesn't mean they aren't loving you with all they have to give" or something along those lines.

I am so sorry......people can be so terribly insensitive at times, and it is especially hurtful when they are the ones you have turned to for support. I can't imagine how it must feel to have not just one, but two close family members suffering from this awful disease. I hope you can find the support you need and that your extended family can come together at this testing time.

Feel free to PM me if you wish :inlove:

By the way, I usually respond with, "excuse me...?" and then if they have the audacity to repeat themselves, I remain silent..... usually does the trick.

Specializes in Peds Critical Care, Dialysis, General.

This is a touchy subject. I've dealt with some pretty rude and thoughtless remarks about my daughter's congenital heart defect. She's nearly 30 now, which is nothing short of miracle, since she was not expected to live out her first year.

The absolute worst was "You've got your own little Frankenstein." This was said in front of other mothers....the mom who uttered this remark quickly realized she had put her foot in the poop pile. We never spoke again, my daughter did not associate with her or her daughter and many of the other children avoided her.

Usually, I take the opportunity to educate on her particular defect. Sometimes they just get my "you're too stupid/unfeeling to live" look.

Sometimes, what is even more hurtful, is people avoiding you. They don't know what to say or what to do. When I am given the opportunity, I educate folks in the nicest way I know without punching them.

She also has to deal with the sequelae of 5 years without adequate oxygen to her brain. I can usually get people to understand she is a bit different, but she is more loving, loyal and forgiving than anyone else I know. I have responded not so nicely to people who have made derogatory remarks about her less than perfect mentation.

Educate as best as possible. Don't forget to breathe. Take care of yourself as you are taking care of your family. My parents both died of cancer, so I feel your pain.

(((hugs)))

That is so Sad! Most of my family has died off and the rest of my family is distant except for my youngest son and husband. If you can't share the good AND the bad with people what is the point for having them in your life? That is what lead to my prior divorce. I knew that when the bad times hit, I would be facing it alone.

Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Long story short, my sister and my mom both have cancer right now. My mom had breast cancer, which is now in her stomach. My sister has breast cancer and she just had a double mastectomy. I have been under a lot of stress, needless to say.

So, when I told a very close friend of mine that my sister had breast cancer, her first response was "does she eat a lot of sugar?" I was shocked. I tend to not know how to respond when people say rude, insensitive things. I have learned there are many different causes of breast cancer. My sister happens to have a breast cancer gene, no not BRCA. Anyway, then recently when I told this same friend about my sister's mastectomy she asked "So does this mean she will be flat as a board??" I just said "yep!!" Then, the more I thought about what she said the more angry I became over the next few days. This friend is not in the medical field, but I think the majority of women know what a mastectomy is...don't they?? So, I chalked it up to ignorance. I discussed it with her later and she claimed she wasn't sure because I have been acting so "normal" about it all, like it isn't very serious or something. I told her I don't cry every single minute about it, but it is very serious. Then same friend asked me if my sister had missed some mammograms. Mind you, I had already told this friend about her diagnosis. The radiologist my sister had missed the cancer on a mammogram. Anyway, I just feel like this friend has pointed all fingers at my sister, like the cancer is her "fault". The "flat as a board" comment is hard to get out of my head. I have been avoiding this friend because of this. She told me she would never say anything to hurt my feelings. Well, then people really need to be careful before they open their mouths!

Then a nurse at work was talking to me about breast cancer. Her sister died from it, so you would think she would be sensitive about commenting on my sister. She actually told me "Did you know the percentage of men leaving their wives after a mastectomy is really high?" Wow. Just wow. I really have learned to be very very careful who I talk to!!

Has anyone experienced this??

One more thing....my so-called close friend was the first person I called when I found out my mom's breast cancer had spread to her stomach...which is incurable. I cried to my friend for almost 20-30 minutes. This was a few months ago. Them, just recently I mentioned to her something about my mom's stomach cancer and the friend said "your mom has stomach cancer??" OMG. My jaw literally dropped. My friend is becoming not so close anymore. This is proof she doesn't listen very well. I had told her my mom was vomiting for over a year...usually people close to you would remember something like that. Or do I just expect too much? Thanks for letting me vent. I have talked to other people with cancer who say they have lost friends because of rude comments. I think my friend isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

Not in the same vein but I get asked rude and intrusive questions al the time. Especially with regard to why I don't drink alcohol. I really just want to say I used to be a falling down drunk and go sober 15 years ago but that just leads to more rude and intrusive questions. So I was invited out with friends from work and when I ordered b=my usual club soda with lime a friend asked why I wasn't drinking. I said "I'm actually allergic to alcohol!" "Really" came the reply "What kind of reaction do you have?" I said "I get naked and I dance on tables which is something nobody really wants to see!"

But really most people seem to have no social filters at all and have no idea when they are being rude. I find it's best for my personal sanity to just ignore them.

Hppy

Specializes in Tele, ICU, Staff Development.

I can't imagine what it's like for you to have both your Mom and your sister have cancer. I am so sorry you are coping with all this. Love and good energy to you and your family.

I am in my mid 30's living with cancer. To put in bluntly, I scare the S*$%# out of people. I have two young children, a great career, a loving husband, and a tumor. I "have it all." Including cancer. People don't know what to say, and as a result they can say idiotic things. I can see the fear in their eyes, the mental calculations as they try to figure out what they can do to avoid my fate. Unfortunately, this kind of thing will continue. And you will find many, genuine people, who are willing to go there with you, and face the unknown.

Specializes in LTC, Rehab.

People often disappoint me a great deal, to put it politely. I've also learned that it's all very unpredictable, too - like a friend, relative or co-worker whom you think will be supportive and empathetic isn't, but then someone you don't expect to will respond in a very nice way.

Specializes in NICU, Telephone Triage.

Thank you for sharing your story. How painful! I agree with you....to let it go for my own sanity.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Long story short, my sister and my mom both have cancer right now. My mom had breast cancer, which is now in her stomach. My sister has breast cancer and she just had a double mastectomy. I have been under a lot of stress, needless to say.

So, when I told a very close friend of mine that my sister had breast cancer, her first response was "does she eat a lot of sugar?" I was shocked. I tend to not know how to respond when people say rude, insensitive things. I have learned there are many different causes of breast cancer. My sister happens to have a breast cancer gene, no not BRCA. Anyway, then recently when I told this same friend about my sister's mastectomy she asked "So does this mean she will be flat as a board??" I just said "yep!!" Then, the more I thought about what she said the more angry I became over the next few days. This friend is not in the medical field, but I think the majority of women know what a mastectomy is...don't they?? So, I chalked it up to ignorance. I discussed it with her later and she claimed she wasn't sure because I have been acting so "normal" about it all, like it isn't very serious or something. I told her I don't cry every single minute about it, but it is very serious. Then same friend asked me if my sister had missed some mammograms. Mind you, I had already told this friend about her diagnosis. The radiologist my sister had missed the cancer on a mammogram. Anyway, I just feel like this friend has pointed all fingers at my sister, like the cancer is her "fault". The "flat as a board" comment is hard to get out of my head. I have been avoiding this friend because of this. She told me she would never say anything to hurt my feelings. Well, then people really need to be careful before they open their mouths!

Then a nurse at work was talking to me about breast cancer. Her sister died from it, so you would think she would be sensitive about commenting on my sister. She actually told me "Did you know the percentage of men leaving their wives after a mastectomy is really high?" Wow. Just wow. I really have learned to be very very careful who I talk to!!

Has anyone experienced this??

One more thing....my so-called close friend was the first person I called when I found out my mom's breast cancer had spread to her stomach...which is incurable. I cried to my friend for almost 20-30 minutes. This was a few months ago. Them, just recently I mentioned to her something about my mom's stomach cancer and the friend said "your mom has stomach cancer??" OMG. My jaw literally dropped. My friend is becoming not so close anymore. This is proof she doesn't listen very well. I had told her my mom was vomiting for over a year...usually people close to you would remember something like that. Or do I just expect too much? Thanks for letting me vent. I have talked to other people with cancer who say they have lost friends because of rude comments. I think my friend isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

I am so sorry this is happening to your family and to you. You are under enough stress right now; you don't need clueless friends adding to your stress. And you're right -- your "friends" are probably more "friendly acquaintances" than actual friends. That sucks -- and it sucks that you had to find out this way.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

For some reason, my browser wouldn't let me type a long reply in my previous post. Let me just reiterate how sorry I am that this is happening to you and to your family. Cancer really sucks, and one of the suckiest things about it is that some people have no clue how to react when someone tells them of a cancer diagnosis.

I am a breast cancer survivor. I, too had to deal with the clueless comments -- from my sister. She had no concept of what I was going through and wanted me to drop everything immediately after my surgery to fly halfway across the country and deal with my mother, who had just been kicked out of another nursing home. It was my turn. But I wasn't in any condition to travel, ESPECIALLY alone. Nor could I interrupt my treatment for a couple of weeks to go tour nursing homes and try to get my mother moved. My sister still isn't speaking to me, five years later, because I "shirked my responsibility to my mother." Some of my friends were great, but my best friend, who admittedly had problems of her own right then, although not to that degree, never ever acknowledged my cancer until years later. Work colleagues mostly took their cues from me.

One thing I did notice, though, is that when you tell someone you have cancer you then have to manage their reaction to you having cancer. My boss started to cry when I told her, and I had to give HER the pep talk about how many strides they're making in breast cancer treatment and how this isn't the death sentence it once was.

I sincerely hope that some of the folks perusing this thread recognize themselves and the non supportive, unhelpful responses they might have made to someone's cancer news. Maybe they can do better in the future.

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