How do you handle rude comments?

[MA Nurse]

Long story short, my sister and my mom both have cancer right now. My mom had breast cancer, which is now in her stomach. My sister has breast cancer and she just had a double mastectomy. I have been under a lot of stress, needless to say.

So, when I told a very close friend of mine that my sister had breast cancer, her first response was "does she eat a lot of sugar?" I was shocked. I tend to not know how to respond when people say rude, insensitive things. I have learned there are many different causes of breast cancer. My sister happens to have a breast cancer gene, no not BRCA. Anyway, then recently when I told this same friend about my sister's mastectomy she asked "So does this mean she will be flat as a board??" I just said "yep!!" Then, the more I thought about what she said the more angry I became over the next few days. This friend is not in the medical field, but I think the majority of women know what a mastectomy is...don't they?? So, I chalked it up to ignorance. I discussed it with her later and she claimed she wasn't sure because I have been acting so "normal" about it all, like it isn't very serious or something. I told her I don't cry every single minute about it, but it is very serious. Then same friend asked me if my sister had missed some mammograms. Mind you, I had already told this friend about her diagnosis. The radiologist my sister had missed the cancer on a mammogram. Anyway, I just feel like this friend has pointed all fingers at my sister, like the cancer is her "fault". The "flat as a board" comment is hard to get out of my head. I have been avoiding this friend because of this. She told me she would never say anything to hurt my feelings. Well, then people really need to be careful before they open their mouths!

Then a nurse at work was talking to me about breast cancer. Her sister died from it, so you would think she would be sensitive about commenting on my sister. She actually told me "Did you know the percentage of men leaving their wives after a mastectomy is really high?" Wow. Just wow. I really have learned to be very very careful who I talk to!!

Has anyone experienced this??

One more thing....my so-called close friend was the first person I called when I found out my mom's breast cancer had spread to her stomach...which is incurable. I cried to my friend for almost 20-30 minutes. This was a few months ago. Them, just recently I mentioned to her something about my mom's stomach cancer and the friend said "your mom has stomach cancer??" OMG. My jaw literally dropped. My friend is becoming not so close anymore. This is proof she doesn't listen very well. I had told her my mom was vomiting for over a year...usually people close to you would remember something like that. Or do I just expect too much? Thanks for letting me vent. I have talked to other people with cancer who say they have lost friends because of rude comments. I think my friend isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

[MA Nurse]

I. just. can't. even.

You are trying to excuse the inexcusable, and you're expecting the person who is in the middle of a life or death trauma to not only understand and make allowances for someone's self-centeredness but to try to forgive it as well. There is no good excuse to ask those questions or to make that comment about men leaving their wives. Just none.

While you personally might not find those questions rude, most people -- especially people in the midst of a crisis like cancer -- will find them rude and incomprehensible, not to mention so unsupportive as to be burdensome. Please try to find some less burdensome way to respond to a friend's sad news -- and try even harder to find a better way to respond to a patient.

Thank you. I find no excuse for the comments these people made to me. I did speak to my friend abut it. Just no excuse. If tou dont have anything nice to say...dont say anything!

[MA Nurse]

Why did you stand and even converse with someone about something outside the 4 corners of your hiring papers. Unless, when you were hired you were told it was in your job description to discuss with this person the discussion you claim you had. When you are on the clock of your employer-on their time clock-you have no right (unless you were on break or lunch of course) to use steal their money like that. Watch what you do in the workplace when on the time clock. And watch what you say when you are off the clock.

Wow!! Where the h*** do you work??? In all my jobs as a nurse for the last almost 30 years we have all discussed issues about serious family illnesses or major life stressors. When it was an appropriate time. You sound like an angry nurse manager of some sort. You said I "claimed" to have had this discussion. What? Calling me a liar too? The nurse I was talking to also shared some stories about trajedy in her family.

[MA Nurse]

In defense of lee555, I had a coworker tell me her mother had been diagnosed with brain cancer at 8am on a busy work day. Totally inappropriate, and how do you get away from that to care for the patients without looking like an ignorant dummy? If you're gonna drop a bomb on a coworker, doit at break time, at least!

. I think most nurses with any common sense would discuss things like this at an appropriate time. Especially when the other nurse is asking me how my sister is!!

[Skippingtowork]

Talking about issues at work that has nothing to pertain to work is not a good thing. There is no where I am sure that you were hired or in your hiring papers required you to talk to someone while you were on the clock about breast cancer. Sounds to me like maybe in an educational setting, but you were there to take care of patients. You both were wrong.

I need to know if you are a robot. Type this: I'mNotsoHeArtLess

We spend a large percentage of our time with co-workers and sometimes have closer relationships with those we work with than family. Why would the concept of caring and sharing with people we see for hours every day be so foreign to you? Your answer is so cruel. Hopefully, you don't really mean what you typed. Empathy for another is so important in our profession.

[Ambersmom, BSN, RN]

I need to know if you are a robot. Type this: I'mNotsoHeArtLess

We spend a large percentage of our time with co-workers and sometimes have closer relationships with those we work with than family. Why would the concept of caring and sharing with people we see for hours every day be so foreign to you? Your answer is so cruel. Hopefully, you don't really mean what you typed. Empathy for another is so important in our profession.

I dont think s/he is a nurse or even works in healthcare.

I think "troll"

on another note, where in hiring papers does it expressly forbid talking to coworkers about anything other than pertaining to job-it doesn't never has, never will. This troll has no clue what its like to work in healthcare.

[Rosina]

I can understand your feelings on this issue. My suggestion if you are spirtual or religious is to confine in your spiritual leader such as a pastor, evangelist, elder, rabbi or other types of this nature. I find those to listen and have more compassion. I guess because of their faith and their willingness to help others. Friends are hard to come by. Good friends will always be sensitive to your feelings. Stay strong and don't let those negative comments affect you.

[FallingInPlace, ADN, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry that you've been subjected to such insensitive comments, though I've learned from a close friend who had breast cancer that comments like that are not unusual. Many people "blame the victim" with a cancer diagnosis--it HAS to be from too much sugar, or skipping a mammogram. That is baloney, and unfortunate. Even if it were true, it's not very compassionate. My friend was subjected to many of the same comments and even had people request to feel her implants at work after she had reconstructive surgery! (She's in a medical field, but works for a pharmaceutical firm). She was trying to be open about her experience to take some of the mystery and shame away from a breast cancer diagnosis. My conclusion is that confiding information is something you should only do with great caution. Surround yourself with people who prove themselves worthy of your friendship, and best wishes to you and your family.

[K9lover, ASN, RN]

Most of the rude comments I have had patients say involve race and I've had patients say outrageous things. As a new grad I had the patient tell me how glad she was to get a white nurse, I asked her what, if anything, was wrong with noc nurse, all she could come up with was that noc nurse was Asian.

I told her noc nurse quite experienced and I had very little making noc nurse the better nurse.

I have heard of manner of it from white patients not wanting black nurses, black patients not wanting Asian nurses, Asian patients not wanting white nurses, straight patients not wanting gay nurses etc...we staff by acuities, not race.

If the use racial slurs I cut conversation of quickly and tell them it they can speak any way they want outside my presence but I do not want them using racial epithets in my presence as I have a right not to hear it.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

Most of the rude comments I have had patients say involve race and I've had patients say outrageous things. As a new grad I had the patient tell me how glad she was to get a white nurse, I asked her what, if anything, was wrong with noc nurse, all she could come up with was that noc nurse was Asian.

I told her noc nurse quite experienced and I had very little making noc nurse the better nurse.

I have heard of manner of it from white patients not wanting black nurses, black patients not wanting Asian nurses, Asian patients not wanting white nurses, straight patients not wanting gay nurses etc...we staff by acuities, not race.

If the use racial slurs I cut conversation of quickly and tell them it they can speak any way they want outside my presence but I do not want them using racial epithets in my presence as I have a right not to hear it.

You haven't read the thread, have you?