Facing my own judgments

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

I'm aware that inside my head I can be pretty judgmental. Outside my head I don't generally share those opinions, I guess in a way that's being fake, but I truly wish I weren't as judgmental. I don't feel like I'm better than other people, so I'm not sure why sometimes I jump to judgment, but I figure at least not sharing out loud is half the battle.

Anyway, a while back I got a call from the ED that my new admission was coming up. MVA due to alcohol intoxication. Immediately my thought is "well, I hope they didn't hurt anyone else" and since I'm not in the ICU I know they're not critically injured so maybe a little "you got what you deserve" crept in there, too. My patient rolled by on the stretcher while I was in another room, so as I wheeled my COW down the hall I had a minute to reflect that because of my own past experience with a DUI situation, I just didn't like this person already. But, I put on my faking it smile and walked in the room to introduce myself. What I expected to find was someone that had no regard for other people after making the decision to get in a car and drive after drinking. What I found when I walked in has truly started me on the path to less judgment.

I saw a patient who was scared, embarrassed, in pain and really at a low point in life. We developed a pretty good relationship quickly and I even meant it when my patient asked if I was mad at them and I replied something like "I know you wouldn't have put yourself in any situation where you would have hurt people on purpose. You were drinking and were unable to make rational decisions at the time, otherwise you would have stopped yourself." My patient did not have their cell phone because it was still in the car, and they had no way to contact a single family member, or more importantly their AA sponsor. I had a stupid moment when I said "if you tell me their name I can look in the phone book", the response was, "well, it's anonymous so I don't know their name"- I felt a little dumb.

Anyway, when my shift was over I was able to call a couple tow yards and locate the car and cell phone about 15-20 minutes away. I went and picked it up, and brought it back to my patient- their AA sponsor picked them up later that day at discharge. I think part of the reason I did that was to assuage my own guilt at my initial judgment of this person, but mostly it was because I knew what they needed most from me was not my medically focused assistance, but my support for them as a whole person.

I just wanted to share this because I think it really was a first step in changing that part of me, and I hope to keep growing in a direction of non-judgment because that's not a constructive emotion in many situations. Maybe other people have had a similar moment that changed how they view things on a bigger scale.

[SaltySarcasticSally, LPN, RN]

I think this was a great post to share. Personal growth requires moments such as these and a good, hard look at ourselves.

Mine came after I experienced very unexpected and pretty severe PPD after my third child. I have a stable life, own my home, and a stable marriage. But it still happened and it knocked me down hard. I always though these things happened (depression, anxiety, etc) to "weaker" people who just didn't fight hard enough. I was so, so wrong. At my darkest point, I realized then how easy it would be to escape in addiction or something else unhealthy. Thankfully, I had enough resources available to me that I didn't find that to be my best option. But so many people don't have that support.

It was the hardest thing I've experienced but now 2 years out, I learned a much needed lesson that made me a better person and nurse. I still judge, I'm human, but now I find I circle back to my own experience and realize we never know what we would do when handed unfortunate circumstances and feel we have no options. So I stop judging and listen instead. I think you will find yourself doing the same after this.

Thanks for sharing!

[Scottishtape]

Thank you both for sharing. I think this is a great topic, and one I'm sure a lot of us battle with.

Big hugs to you both!

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Years ago, I was assigned a patient who was homeless after being in prison for burning down my church. He had pneumonia. Ironically, I was the only Catholic nurse on the floor that night, and I was immediately angry at having to take care of him. Why me??

Turned out, he was very polite and humble. He rarely used his call light, and when he did it was "Ma'am, could I please have more water? Thank you very much". I gave him his psych meds on time and he was appreciative of that as well. Then I looked down at him and was ashamed of myself for judging him...he was just a hurting, sad man who had made a terrible mistake and was still paying a high price. Nobody would rent to him because of his crime, and he was shunned by the general public for coming back to our town after his prison sentence ended. But he had nowhere else to go, and he'd gotten sick from sleeping out in the cold rain and contracting a bad cold from another transient.

I heard sometime later that a distant relative had decided to take him in. I was actually happy for him, and I wonder from time to time how he's doing. I still have to watch myself for being judgmental---it's a hard habit to break---but I think I'm doing better than I used to. I try to look at a bad situation through the person's eyes and not make value judgments based on my own prejudices. I'm not always successful, but at least I'm working on it.

[Ben_Dover]

~Transference~

One of the many words that I've learned and I, doubt, will never forget from nursing school.

[Nurse Beth, MSN]

I love your story. It inspires me and challenges me :)

[Cricket183, BSN, RN]

I think we all have biases and judgements that we bring with us to the proverbial table. It's recognizing those and being able to put them aside and still care for the person behind them that is important. It's also recognizing what our own limits are and being self aware enough to know if we won't be able to do that. I can look past a lot of things-homelessness, mental illness, criminal behavior, bad attitude-these things I can generally overlook. They don't bother me. They won't change the way I look at you or the care I provide for you. Child abuse-now that one I'm going to have a hard time looking past. And it's one of the reasons I choose not to work in pediatrics. I know I cannot handle that in any form or fashion.

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing. I find that my private thoughts are pretty judgmental until, like you in this situation, I am face-to-face with the person. Then suddenly they are just another human being in need of my care and expertise. It got to where it was my favorite thing, to have the drunk driver, the prisoner, the drug addict, the marginalized. It was humbling and gave me a sense of purpose.

What we do is sacred work. I have always, personally, felt a bit of relief that I can be suspended from the burden of pronouncing judgment and just take care of another person who has made mistakes. Maybe it is because I myself have made so many - most not as bad as these, but only by the grace of God.

I am glad you took good care of this person. Thank you for doing that. Sometimes it is the grace of unexpected kindness that really turns a life around.

[JBudd, MSN]

My moment wasn't nearly so deep, but I used to figuratively roll my eyes at people who came to the ER for constipation. Seriously??

Until I developed extreme constipation (and a heck of a lot pain and anorexia) during my chemo. Whole new insight to a "common" problem.