Critique my admission essay PLEASE & Thank you!

[Tela]

first thanks for taking time to read and offer any feedback on my admission essay. (it's 500 words) im open to any suggestions. my goal is show my passion and excite for nursing, as well as clearly state the reason why i am pursing nursing, my career objectives, and etc...

please let me know if its coming across that way...or do i need to simply start over/adjust etc....

ps: i believe my essay is going to be a key factor in my acceptance due to a low previous degree gpa (2.4)....current pre-req gpa (3.4)

thanks,

t.

there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ecclesiastes 3:1

to make it through the life that i've been dealt i hold on to the saying that everything happens for a reason; from being sexually and physically abused at home, to being sexually exploited outside of my home, to being abandoned, forced into homelessness, and even stints in foster care. as a child i was exposed to the lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, murder, prostitution, robbery, and domestic violence; and that's just some of what occurred during my adolescent years.

when i was a child i didn't want to be a nurse. i didn't have positive role models, i wasn't told that achieving a dream was in the realm of possibilities; in fact i was never encouraged to have life goals, to do my best in school, or even to aspire to be a woman who i could look in the mirror every day.

so now that i'm an adult, why do i want to be a nurse? the average response would be something like, "because i am compassionate, empathetic, and sensitive to the needs of others". all those reasons are nice and i have those qualities in abundance, but the reason, although simple, is deeper. my altruism overwhelms me. growing up surrounded by pain and suffering i naturally developed the desire to heal, support, and comfort. i've been an active volunteer in my community since my childhood; when i am serving my community i have an immense sense of completion. shadowing nurses and gaining hands on experience gave me a feeling i had never felt before...fulfillment. it's like what people say about finding your soul mate, you just know. words can't express the appreciation and pride i get from being a volunteer in the er.

professionally, my ambitions are to attain my bsn, with the ultimate goal of earning a master's degree in order to become a nurse anesthetist. philanthropically, i'm dreaming of the day that i can walk into a disadvantaged neighborhood clinic or visit an impoverished country to donate my services. i am emotionally, physically, and mentally prepared and capable of handling the demanding requirements of pursuing both a nursing education and career. despite of my upbringing i am immensely honest and never falter in my integrity. my maturity, dedication, and passion surpass that of my peers. i am always respectful and my perseverance knows no limits. furthermore, i am proficient working in diverse, as well as homogeneous communities; i excel under pressure, during emergencies, and in chaotic environments.

i work and attend school, both full-time, and i'm active in my community. i am the only person in my family to ever attend college. i didn't take the conventional way of pursing a nursing career. there's no one right path to any destination but there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. i know that nursing is my calling, and this is my season.

[MoLee228]

I would be hesitant to open up the essay with such personal information about your past. I don't think it is essential information to know for the rest of the essay to make sense, and it could backfire. I think the entire essay sounds extremely sincere and it is well written. However, opening with your history of abuse and neglect is a bit shocking and it takes the focus away from the main point: why you want to be a nurse. Shocking can be a great quality in fictional writing, but I don't know if it's what you should strive for in an admissions essay.

Another possible reason to make the details of your difficult past more vague is because they could use it against you. I know it would not be fair at all, but thoughts could creep into their minds about you being troubled/emotionally unhealthy. I know, I know, it would NOT be fair at all, I'm just throwing it out there.

As a side note, good for you for pursuing nursing. It sounds like you have worked and continue to work very hard to overcome the challenges you faced growing up. Good luck and I hope you get accepted!

[mustlovepoodles, RN]

I agree. That first paragraph produces a pretty visceral reaction in me. And not in a good way:confused:. Honestly, i think you can edit all those details out and still have a good essay.

[MoLee228]

Oh, one more thing that I know from experience: Keep your ambitions to become a CRNA on the down low until you are actually at the point where you are accepted into a CRNA program. Many nurses will give you a very hard time if they know that is your goal. You may also have a hard time getting a position in an ICU for the necessary ICU experience if they know you are using them as a stepping stone. And if someone asks you point blank about it, my automatic response is, "I definitely want to go back to school at some point." It will save you many headaches (from fellow nursing students, nursing instructors, nurses, etc.) Just my 2 cents on that topic!

Again, good luck!!!

[iluvivt, BSN, RN]

...WOW!.....I assume you are comfortable sharing all of those intimate details of your life as it explains your desire to pursue a helping profession. I think that is fine to share that but I would like to see you incorporate into the essay a bit better than just present it all at once up front....that way you present the good first. Would you want to share all this if you had a better GPA and did not believe the information was needed? ..think about that carefully. Also you state that naturally someone that has endured so much abuse would turn to nursing....I do not believe that is neccesarily true....I would venture to say that a lot of people DO NOT overcome those childhood obstacles and that they negatively impact them for a good deal of their lives. I would want to know how and why you had the strength,courage and wisdom to move forward. I think you also need to talk about your GPA and why it is low...they need to know that you can meet the academic challenges.

[iluvivt, BSN, RN]

I also agree with the above posts...perhaps you can say something more generic and vague...you grew up in a stressful dysfunctional enviroment.

[Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN]

Agree with the previous posts; also, I'm not sure about the juxtaposition of your CRNA ambitions and the image of working in clinics and impoverished communities. To be fair, I don't know much about the specialty, but it doesn't seem to be a setting that a CRNA would likely be working in.

[Getting To Great]

Your essay is well written but keep it short and sweet, but don't forget to answer the underlining question as to why you want to be a Nurse (or whatever the question ask). Your essay is not cohesive enough and it's a bit all over the place. Overall it's wonderful that you have overcome all of your trails and tribulation. Remember for every test there's a testimony! Best of luck on your future endeavors.

[Bruce_Wayne, ASN, RN]

Too personal.

[SweetBabyLPN]

So, I don't want to suggest major changes to your paper (i.e. add or remove phrases) because if you put it there, you want it there. But, I'm sort of a grammar buff so that's mostly what I caught. Here goes:

(2nd sentence, 4th paragragh) To say "I dream of the day" would be better than to say "I'm dreaming of the day" which gives the impression that you are currently dreaming right now, at the moment, as you type! Lol!

(4th sentence, 4th paragragh) "Despite of" is incorrect. It should say either "despite" or "in spite of".

(5th sentence, 4th paragragh) Maybe say, "often surpass that of many of my peers"? IDK, the other way just sounds too cocky which is a red flag in nursing students. (you may feel that you are capable of and/or know more than you actually do).

(3rd sentence, last paragragh) you forgot the 2nd 'U' in "pursuing".

There was more but I had it all typed up when I lost the entire post!!!!

The only other thing is that IDK if I would include all that about the sexual abuse. I think that the fact that you were subject to abuse can be expressed without being so. . . IDK, blunt? Or forward? But of course that's a personal decision. Other than that I think the essay is good.

You've been through alot and have overcome quite a bit. Congratulations for not letting those setbacks define you and allow for you to become a statistic. I applaud you for taking that first step to follow your dream. Welcome to the team!!

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

OP, I am PMing you.

[lifelearningrn, BSN, RN]

The first paragraph gives entirely too much detail into your private upbringing. I do not think there is anything wrong with briefly mentioning that your passion for the profession stems from your growing up witness to things no child should ever experience (definitely worded better than I did) but use much less detail.

I agree wanting to be a CRNA should be removed completely, although I like your mentioning wanting to volunteer yourself to undeserved populations/countries.

One last thing you may want to think about is using contractions in your writing. Since this is a formal essay, you should probably stick to "I am" instead of "I'm", "do not" instead of "don't" etc. ect.

I would also leave out the biblical reference..