Critique my admission essay PLEASE & Thank you!

[Tela]

first thanks for taking time to read and offer any feedback on my admission essay. (it's 500 words) im open to any suggestions. my goal is show my passion and excite for nursing, as well as clearly state the reason why i am pursing nursing, my career objectives, and etc...

please let me know if its coming across that way...or do i need to simply start over/adjust etc....

ps: i believe my essay is going to be a key factor in my acceptance due to a low previous degree gpa (2.4)....current pre-req gpa (3.4)

thanks,

t.

there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ecclesiastes 3:1

to make it through the life that i've been dealt i hold on to the saying that everything happens for a reason; from being sexually and physically abused at home, to being sexually exploited outside of my home, to being abandoned, forced into homelessness, and even stints in foster care. as a child i was exposed to the lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, murder, prostitution, robbery, and domestic violence; and that's just some of what occurred during my adolescent years.

when i was a child i didn't want to be a nurse. i didn't have positive role models, i wasn't told that achieving a dream was in the realm of possibilities; in fact i was never encouraged to have life goals, to do my best in school, or even to aspire to be a woman who i could look in the mirror every day.

so now that i'm an adult, why do i want to be a nurse? the average response would be something like, "because i am compassionate, empathetic, and sensitive to the needs of others". all those reasons are nice and i have those qualities in abundance, but the reason, although simple, is deeper. my altruism overwhelms me. growing up surrounded by pain and suffering i naturally developed the desire to heal, support, and comfort. i've been an active volunteer in my community since my childhood; when i am serving my community i have an immense sense of completion. shadowing nurses and gaining hands on experience gave me a feeling i had never felt before...fulfillment. it's like what people say about finding your soul mate, you just know. words can't express the appreciation and pride i get from being a volunteer in the er.

professionally, my ambitions are to attain my bsn, with the ultimate goal of earning a master's degree in order to become a nurse anesthetist. philanthropically, i'm dreaming of the day that i can walk into a disadvantaged neighborhood clinic or visit an impoverished country to donate my services. i am emotionally, physically, and mentally prepared and capable of handling the demanding requirements of pursuing both a nursing education and career. despite of my upbringing i am immensely honest and never falter in my integrity. my maturity, dedication, and passion surpass that of my peers. i am always respectful and my perseverance knows no limits. furthermore, i am proficient working in diverse, as well as homogeneous communities; i excel under pressure, during emergencies, and in chaotic environments.

i work and attend school, both full-time, and i'm active in my community. i am the only person in my family to ever attend college. i didn't take the conventional way of pursing a nursing career. there's no one right path to any destination but there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. i know that nursing is my calling, and this is my season.

[noahsmama]

(5th sentence, 4th paragragh) my maturity, dedication, and passion surpasses that of my peers. (you forgot the 'es').

no, "surpass" is correct. the subject is not just "passion" (which is singular), it is "maturity, dedication and passion", which is plural. several things together surpass (plural). one thing by itself surpasses (singular).

[SweetBabyLPN]

No, "surpass" is correct. The subject is not just "passion" (which is singular), it is "maturity, dedication and passion", which is plural. Several things together surpass (plural). One thing by itself surpasses (singular).

You're right. I repeated it out loud and it did sound off. Thanks!

[cheska_rn, ASN, RN]

I definitely agree w/the previous posters. The first paragraph is very distracting, and kind of almost made me uncomfortable. What if I was the person responsible for making a decision on it?? I had a hard time focusing on the rest of the paper, but I was able to, and the rest of it is really good. However, if I had to read over 1000 papers, I might have stopped at your first paragraph thinking "is this person trying to gain a sympathy vote??", or "why is this person telling me all this", and I may have set it aside.

I am just being truly honest. My admission essay was very personal, and after having it read by a few people that I trusted to give their honest opinion, I edited out some of the more intimate details.

Good luck!

[anon695]

Oy vey - way too personal. As my mother used to say, "don't give away the store" (meaning, don't tell people anything more than is absolutely necessary, do not over-share). Admissions essays aren't so much to choose the best candidates, but to give the school an opportunity to see which candidates they may want to weed out at that point. The school has a few spots to fill and TONS of applicants, how are they going to eliminate, right? Don't mention anything about drugs, nothing that could possibly make someone uncomfortable or give them reason to think you are unstable. It's fine to make the essay somewhat generic and bland. You won't be weeded out for a bland essay.

[on eagles wings, ASN, RN]

Hi,

I too felt that my painful background has a lot to do with my passion for nursing. However, I don't think you should even mention them unless you give a good example or details about how those experiences fire your desire to be a nurse. Like, unless you as a nurse want to concentrate on women's health, don't talk about woman's abuse. I don't know if I am making myself clear.

I think its good that you said how you didn't have role models or any motivation in your youth. I was the same. I think people appreciate, especially those reading your essay, how you can come from such a disadvantaged background yet be volunteering in a hospital, shadowing an RN, and be applying to an RN school. It is admirable and it takes lots of inner strength. So congrats to you for getting out of that pit.

Try to concentrate on ONE bad experience and how it really affected your desire to be a nurse. I think saying how you went from being abused, to doing drugs, to this and to that is overwhelming and though it may be far from your intention, may seem you are asking for pity. So be picky about what you want to share.

Detail is very important. The reason I think your essay is not so strong(yet), is because you don't have many examples of what you are stating. In a sentence or two maybe you can share some of your responsibilities in the ER. What was that hands on experience?

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Take your time nipping away at the essay. Entrance essays should be written over the course of weeks. If you can, show it to your English teacher too. It helps to show it to a professional or two. :)

[Motivated grandma]

I think I would simply mention a very dysfunctional childhood with time in foster care. Frankly, I think that will convey enough information about your childhood without going into a lot of detail. I understand that overcoming your past has molded you into the person you are today and why you would want to say something, but "less is more," imo.

Regarding the integrity issue - "I strive for integrity in my daily life" or some other such wording would sound less "cocky." KWIM?

Best of luck to you.

[mtngrl, ASN, RN]

I couldn't even read past the first few sentences, it just made me uncomfortable, and I wonder if the staff that read it would feel that way too. If you really want to include that then make it later on in the paper.

I didnt know you had to write essays for nursing school. I don't know anyone who ever had to, they just get on a waiting list and it goes by gpa .

[bsyrn, ASN, RN]

I agree with the others, way way way too much information in the first paragraph. The rest looks well written. Good luck

[Tela]

Thank you all for taking time to read and offer feedback! I really appreciate it! I wasn't aware that it was so...raw? Maybe because I'm really honest/blunt with the things that I say so I just offered way too much...and the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable while reading my essay :-/

But I definitely can see the opposite side of the coin now, especially about how something can come off kind of cocky, or crybaby/sympathy, & grammar (INspite of instead of despite of)....So i'm really grateful that you all responded, so that I can change up my essay!

How do y'all think I should go about incorporating why my undergrad gpa was so low? Should I not go into it at all? Or keep it short and sweet? It's so hard to put so many explanations/examples into 500 words :-S

Tela

[Tela]

canesdukegirl- I cant send emails at the moment, but thank you for all of your help and positive adjustments. I loved a lot of your changes and will use some of them in my re-write! Thanks for taking so much time to help me! T.

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

Tela, I can't seem to find the PM I sent you. Did you get it?

[canesdukegirl, BSN, RN]

OOps! We must have been writing at the same time! Glad you got it. As for the low GPA, I would not address that until they ask you during your interview/response from your application to school. Again, you wanna play your cards close to the vest and let them come to YOU for any additional explanations.