finally... I cried.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Dec 20, 2012

I'm sorry about what happened to you. (((hugs))) :hug:

My next few words are going to be straightforward. I've noticed over and over again that the rudest coworkers target specific individuals while they 'mysteriously' leave the other people alone.

This is really unfortunate, but all relates to the manner in which you are perceived. If rude people view you as a patsy or a 'softie' or one who will not stand up for yourself, you'll be targeted for harassment and verbal abuse all the time. On the other hand, if you're perceived as the nurse who will put up resistance and not let anyone walk all over you, then your rude coworkers will quickly move onto easier targets.

Crying in front of other people over being screamed at was probably the worst thing you could have done because it further reinforces their perception of your weaknesses. The next time you feel a burst of emotions and the need to cry, run to the bathroom, your car, or an empty patient room and do it in private. Do not cry out in the open when being yelled at. Bullies are empowered when they see you're crying over them.

Verbal abuse is a crime of power because the abusers pick out the most opportune targets: coworkers who are unlikely to respond in a defensive manner to the yelling. Also, if you continue to avoid sticking up for yourself, people will continue hollering and cursing at you out in the open because they know they can get away with it.

Good luck to you.

yaleli · Dec 20, 2012

So true. I have been thinking about that because same question is asked by different people to the same nurse or same aide, and it is interesting how their tone and response change drastically.

sapphire18 · Dec 20, 2012

Hugs to you:sorry: theres no more hug smiley?

(((hugs!)))

logank622 · Dec 20, 2012

It sounds like your unit manager does not know how to handle this person either. She should not tolerate one nurse yelling at another, and then tell the person getting yelled at to be more assertive. It's true that bullies will target softies, and even more so if you cry. You absolutely do NOT have to go to their level - your goal is to bring them up to your level, if only for the 20 minutes or so it takes to get report.

When I'm feeling defensive or under attack, I keep one saying in mind. "You can say what you want, as long as you do what I say." People like that will attack you, make it personal, make you feel inferior. None of that matters to you. They don't know you - they're just doing it to get a reaction. Don't give it to them. All you need is an answer to your question. Keep asking it until you get the answer. Remind the person that they haven't answered your question. They may call you stupid, deaf, ignorant, etc. Ignore all of it. You asked a question, all you need is a yes or a no. This keeps you in control of the situation - "Our report can't progress until you answer my question. I don't need to know what you think about me. I need an answer to my question." And by all means, if your report isn't going anywhere because this person won't communicate with you, involve the unit manager. Tell her (calmly) that you're trying to get the information from this nurse, but she won't answer your questions.

Does this sound cold and impersonal? Yes? Good. That's what this person needs. She doesn't deserve your tears - save them for someone who matters. Whenever you interact with someone like this, stay completely robotic and scientific. Get information, lab values, etc. as needed and focus on the patient. You don't owe her any kind of relationship beyond that.

I'm sorry to hear about your trouble, but hang in there. Stay confident in your ability to do your job, don't react to her vague personal attacks, and focus on getting the information you need. And if it escalates beyond general rudeness, go to HR. There's a time to assert yourself, and a time to extract yourself from the situation and bring in someone with sharper teeth.

wellcoachRN · Dec 20, 2012

I am so sorry that you are working in such a toxic work environment. It is inexcusable that management does not dicipline hostile workers. In fact horizontal violence has been studied in nursing and one article I read stated that approximately 30% of nurses leave jobs or leave nursing due to horizontal violence. What you are expereincing is not new. I have been fortunate to work with managers who would refer the toxic worker to EAP and to call them on their behavior. I also have had the experience of managers who did not know how to handle the toxic worker.

I agree with staying confident in your abilities. Look for oportunities to acquiring new skills in standing up for yourself such as classes and books will help you deal with toxic workers. I would also start keeping a journal of events and any actions taken by your manager so that you have a record to present o HR. Always start with your chain of command to resolve the issue.

One of the best programs out is Crucial Conversations. It is a great book and their blog has some great info in it. They recently wrote an article on how to deal with a toxic coworker. Life coach Cheryl Richardson also wrote a fanastic book entitiled "Stand Up for Your Life". Just watch for opportunities to grow in this area.

Lastly, look for ways to support your self confidence. Practice daily stress management and self care which will build up your reserves to deal with toxic people. Don't let toxic people get to you. For a person to refuse to help you and then yell at you, the issues really are about them, not you.

Best of luck to you!

somenurse · Dec 20, 2012

Oh, i am so sorry this happened to you. There are some people who just love making snide remarks or getting personally upset,

sometimes over almost nothing!!!

and being calm and logical does not protect you from becoming a target. Nope, it doesn't, you are right. I believe you. Sometimes being kind does set off the predator types, it does. It's not fair, it should be the opposite way,

but, miserable ppl often do go for those who are kind and happy. It's so odd to watch, i've seen this a few times, just what you are describing.

There are all types and levels of bullying, some ppl never do outgrow it.

And bullies do tend to gather followers, too, whether it's from fear of the bully's power, or fear of becoming the target themselves,

or cuz they are made of same stuff, too. I feel deep empathy for your situation, it sounds difficult.

I say, don't lower yourself to their level. The person being nasty does not feel good, and you won't feel good for being nasty, either.

I hope you can find the balance, of being true to your own values and kind heart,

yet being able to stick up for yourself, too.

I am a joker type of person by nature,

and once, when a patient was screaming me out, i said,

"Ey, you can't yell at me like that! If i want someone to yell at me like that, i'll get married!"

and it startled the patient so much, and then he chuckled, and we did become pals.

might not work, but, sometimes, humor can defuse tense situations. It seems to throw them off a bit.

Hope you find something that works for you.

BEST OF LUCK!!

somenurse · Dec 20, 2012

also,

there is a lot of info online, for dealing with bullies. Some of those articles might give you tips and ideas, too.

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Dec 20, 2012

Hugs to you:sorry: theres no more hug smiley?
(((hugs!)))

There is on the smiles page.......Smilie List - allnurses.com - Nursing for Nurses

OP......there will always be people that will take advantage of the good hearted. Those who run around shouting at everyone actually feel very little on the inside. Assert yourself. Le t them know you are done being bullied. Your manager is disappointing because if that occurred in front of me you would not be the one I would be having the discussion with about behavior.

:hug:....never let them see you sweat..... :up:

Happy holidays!:tree:

Orange Tree · Dec 21, 2012

I love logan's advice to keep it impersonal, matter of fact, and stay in control. It works. I've done it.

As a new nurse I was bullied by quite a few established nurses. When I finally gained the confidence to stop caring about their "personal" opinions, they magically backed off and most of them even scrambled to get on my good side.

amygarside · Dec 21, 2012

I am sorry about what your experience. Hopefully, it can only get better.

hands2help · Dec 21, 2012

You should request a conference meeting. If the situation get worse report that girl. she is causing you emotional stress.