Feeling So Defeated

[tolerantgirl]

I am coming here to vent because I really need to talk to someone. And I am crying as I sit here and type this. I really try hard to be a good nurse. I had a crashing patient when I walked in on Friday and got the patient through it and stable (as stable as one could be on a ventilator). I had the same family for 3 days. I answered all their questions. I was at the bedside at every visiting time to answer their questions. I had another patient that was busy as well and I feel I juggled both adequately. At first, the family was nice and thankful, but then the last day, they questioned everything I did. I felt like they were suggesting that I wasn't caring for the patient.

I work in the ICU and I am a new nurse, at least a 1 yr and a half of being a nurse. I have made 3 med errors which did not result in patient harm, thank God. Med errors were from medications not being put on patient's profile because I missed the order. I need to tell you that I was the unit clerk in this ICU for 8 years prior to becoming a nurse. I do my own orders. I rarely get help because everyone knows I am capable so I feel like I am doing 2 jobs. I am always getting out late. I constantly here other nurses say how new nurses should never come to the ICU. My own director still continues to say this, especially after an error. She said to me " This is why I was against you coming to the ICU." I feel like she is waiting for me to fail to say "I told you so." I feel I have no confidence in myself or that anyone else has confidence in me. I have been told that if I make 2 more errors, I will have to go to peer review. I am scared to death I will lose my license. I spend my week off in complete fear that I have made a mistake. I am truly miserable and I don't know what to do. Maybe nursing is not for me.

[VivaRN]

Sounds to me more like a lack of support and mentoring than that the environment is too difficult. New grads are successful in ICU all the time (I was one, and not special in any way - it was the support!).

Either tough it out until you are confident on your own, find a mentor, or if ICU is your love look for another position in a more supportive unit. It's hard to feel successful when the people who are supposed to mentor you don't believe in you. That kind of energy is toxic. But it's up to you how you respond.

And agree with everyone else that making you take off your own orders is inappropriate and needs to stop. NOW.

[ukstudent]

When I was a CNA in nursing school my manager at the time said she would write a recommendation to any floor or unit that I wanted to go, but she would not be hiring me. She was very up front with this. Her reasoning is that after graduation there is too much role confusion with the other people on the floor/unit treating you like you are still in your old role.

While still working for her we did in fact hire a nurse that had been a CNA on the floor, had graduated and then spent a year or so on a different floor before coming back. With that time away, even when the other nurses remembered her as a CNA, they still treated her the same as the other nurse hired at the same time.

It sounds like this is your problem. Like others have said the only way to fix this now is either to leave or to grow a pair and STOP acting in your old role, you are keeping the role confusion going. You are an ICU nurse, be an ICU nurse.

[chenoaspirit, ASN, RN]

Stop doing the unit secretary's job. Seriously, you lose respect and people will begin to EXPECT you to do more than your assigned duties, because you have made it clear that you will. Focus on your job duties and let the others do theirs. It sounds like you are an excellent nurse with a very positive/caring attitude. Dont give up on nursing altogether. There are many different areas that you can go into...areas that are very rewarding. It doesnt sound like you have much support from your manager. A manager is supposed to encourage and assist when a nurse needs assistance with learning. He/she should never make you feel "low".

[dthfytr, ADN, LPN, RN, EMT-B, EMT-I]

You care enough to worry. In my book that makes you a nurse that can take care of my family anytime.

Your manger isn't supporting you as she should, so you're feeling anxious. You should, because you're being set up. You are a good nurse in a bad situation. I suggest you find a worthy place to work. Good luck and Via con Dios.

[netglow, ASN, RN]

I posted elsewhere about my thoughts about new grads and ICU/ER. There are several positions open to new grads in my area and none in TELE and Medsurg. Why is this? Only one of the hospitals has a known REAL internship that would give a new grad with wherewithal the things needed to be successful. I also have an interest in ICU. The only thing my years of "other" experience are telling me is that it is a cost/benefit argument to the corporation. If they can get away with hiring a new grad at such an extreme reduction in salary, and that new grad somehow makes it through with little training as well, then the corporation has saved a buck... that is as long as no one dies as a consequence. ICU positions used to require top talent and garner top pay. This I think, is changing. Corporations are experimenting dangerously with this.

And, management putting ALL blame on the newgrad who is really totally in the race without a horse.

[tolerantgirl]

Yes, I feel as though I am being set up to fail as well. I am constantly worried on my days off that I have made a mistake and that I am going to lose my license. It is really affecting my home life. I am completely miserable. I have asked if I could go to nights, but was told to "suck it up." I have expressed my concerns of being behind and getting out on time, but no one seems to listen. I have asked if I should transfer to another unit less stressful such as med surg, but was told no. I really have doubt in my mind as to continuing to work there. I think it's ok to admit it is overwhelming and to make some changes. I do think that continuing to work at this facility is a mistake because I have floated to every floor as a secretary and everyone, including the physicians still see me as a secretary. Not only do I do my own orders, but I do other nurse's orders too because some nurses couldn't put an order in the computer if it saved their life. We only have one secretary and she has the whole unit and many times we only have one charge nurse, and sometimes I never even see the charge nurse until the end of the shift. I was told to ask for help more and I have, but when I call and ask for help, I am told they are busy. I even have had to leave my patients and get my blood from the blood bank because I couldn't find anyone to go for me and this was my first day off orientation with 2 vented patients. Please don't think I am a whiner and that I don't like to work hard because I do. I want to be successful. I just don't think this is the environment that will help me. I hope I can find a job somewhere else. I hope I didn't waste all those years in nursing school.

[cb_rn]

Yes, I feel as though I am being set up to fail as well. I am constantly worried on my days off that I have made a mistake and that I am going to lose my license. It is really affecting my home life. I am completely miserable. I have asked if I could go to nights, but was told to "suck it up." I have expressed my concerns of being behind and getting out on time, but no one seems to listen. I have asked if I should transfer to another unit less stressful such as med surg, but was told no. I really have doubt in my mind as to continuing to work there. I think it's ok to admit it is overwhelming and to make some changes. I do think that continuing to work at this facility is a mistake because I have floated to every floor as a secretary and everyone, including the physicians still see me as a secretary. Not only do I do my own orders, but I do other nurse's orders too because some nurses couldn't put an order in the computer if it saved their life. We only have one secretary and she has the whole unit and many times we only have one charge nurse, and sometimes I never even see the charge nurse until the end of the shift. I was told to ask for help more and I have, but when I call and ask for help, I am told they are busy. I even have had to leave my patients and get my blood from the blood bank because I couldn't find anyone to go for me and this was my first day off orientation with 2 vented patients. Please don't think I am a whiner and that I don't like to work hard because I do. I want to be successful. I just don't think this is the environment that will help me. I hope I can find a job somewhere else. I hope I didn't waste all those years in nursing school.

In trying to be helpful you have accidently made yourself the doormat. I can see your heart was in the right place (I imagine you were just trying to be helpful and also to be a part of the "team of nurses" that you hadn't really been part of before because you were a secretary so you took on the extra work of doing your own orders and others' orders) but this manager and floor doesn't want to take you in as part of the team in the way that you should be. They will always see you as a secretary.

I'd get out ASAP. The fact that you have stuck it out for a while gives you an advantage because you have some experience now. Make sure you beam confidence at your interviews. I don't know if this doormat syndrome was a result of you having a people-pleasing personality or if it was just an unfortunate side effect of your original position on the floor but please make sure that you don't make it a habit of stretching yourself thin just to please everyone and try to fit in on the unit. It usually backfires and instead of being a valued member, you become the whipping girl.

all the best to you.

[netglow, ASN, RN]

... about the blood, how stupid you guys have to leave critical patients to get your own. Your bank should have runners to ICU or at least a tube system, that alone is a huge problem IMHO.

Remember OP, you got some valuable experience now... well over a year? Well that seems to be the golden spot to be in in my area, and critical care as well, you should survey what it is you'd really like to learn next, and GO.

[hecallsmeDuchess]

@OP, I feel sad at what you're going through but I agree with the posters that said that you should be more assertive. The people on that floor are still looking at you as a unit secretary and that is a hindrance to you doing your job and getting the support as an RN. I disagree with people who say you should try a new floor because ICU is difficult for a new nurse; it is difficult, yes but people have succeeded working ICU as their first job after nursing school. The only difference I see between you and those people is the type of support and mentoring they received along the way. It doesn't matter what floor you move to, it you encounter the same attitude that you're experiencing in the ICU then you'll still have the same problem. My suggestion is that you put your foot down, be more assertive about what you need to succeed on that floor and stop giving the other nurses/physicians/others the permission to put you down. All the best to you in your nursing career.

[Batman25]

I'm sorry OP that you are having such a tough time. You could try first to be more assertive and see if that works out.

STOP inputting orders. TODAY. Not your job anymore. You are the RN not the US. They are taking advantage and you are letting them.

The bank should have runners so you don't leave ICU patients alone. That is dangerous. Let the runners do their jobs.

I would urge you to start looking for employment elsewhere. It can be very difficult to go from US to RN in the same hospital let alone the same floor. Add in that the management isn't supportive of you and it is downright impossible. I think you are being set up to fail so put the resume together and start looking. Good luck.