Feeling So Defeated

[tolerantgirl]

I am coming here to vent because I really need to talk to someone. And I am crying as I sit here and type this. I really try hard to be a good nurse. I had a crashing patient when I walked in on Friday and got the patient through it and stable (as stable as one could be on a ventilator). I had the same family for 3 days. I answered all their questions. I was at the bedside at every visiting time to answer their questions. I had another patient that was busy as well and I feel I juggled both adequately. At first, the family was nice and thankful, but then the last day, they questioned everything I did. I felt like they were suggesting that I wasn't caring for the patient.

I work in the ICU and I am a new nurse, at least a 1 yr and a half of being a nurse. I have made 3 med errors which did not result in patient harm, thank God. Med errors were from medications not being put on patient's profile because I missed the order. I need to tell you that I was the unit clerk in this ICU for 8 years prior to becoming a nurse. I do my own orders. I rarely get help because everyone knows I am capable so I feel like I am doing 2 jobs. I am always getting out late. I constantly here other nurses say how new nurses should never come to the ICU. My own director still continues to say this, especially after an error. She said to me " This is why I was against you coming to the ICU." I feel like she is waiting for me to fail to say "I told you so." I feel I have no confidence in myself or that anyone else has confidence in me. I have been told that if I make 2 more errors, I will have to go to peer review. I am scared to death I will lose my license. I spend my week off in complete fear that I have made a mistake. I am truly miserable and I don't know what to do. Maybe nursing is not for me.

[sara_ky]

It sounds like you're feeling very discouraged and overwhelmed. Maybe instead of questioning whether nursing is right for you or not, you should reconsider whether ICU nursing is, at least at this time. From what you have described above, you sound like a good nurse, one who cares about her patients and keeping her patient's families informed. But it also sounds like the ICU is an extremely stressful place to work. I'm a nursing student and one of the aspects of nursing that is so appealing to me -- and which I've observed firsthand from my mother, who is an 25+ year RN, is that there is a wealth of opportunities in all different fields of care within the profession. You're not married to one area, and can explore different environments and options to find those that best interest and suit you.

I'm sure that as a new nurse, you're still very much building your professional confidence, no matter what kind of unit you're with. Maybe your best bet would be for now to find a position with responsibilities that allow your confidence to bolster, not wither; one where you feel comfortable and are able to provide competent care while honing your professional instincts and abilities. In the future, your experience as an ICU unit secretary may serve you well if you decide to try your hand nursing there again -- this time with more nursing experience and greater confidence in your skills beneath your belt.

Please don't give up. :)

[classicdame, MSN, EdD]

Agree with sara ky.

[caliotter3]

I did a clinical placement in the ICU while I was in school. One of the nurses there told me, (and the other nurses also said), that she had been hired right out of school and had gone through a nine month program to learn her job. She was competent and happy with her job. It sounds to me that you are not being mentored at all. Too bad that you could not receive the same type of support like that of the nurse I am speaking about. I think the picture would be very different. You will need to buck up on your own, or decide to go to another floor. But don't assume that it will be any better elsewhere. Some places just do not nurture their new hires or their new nurses.

[Orca, ADN, ASN, RN]

ICU nursing is very intense. They get the worst of the worst, and caring for them can be very taxing both mentally and physically. If I were in your spot I would look at possibly transfering to another unit, such as a general med-surg floor.

From what I have read in your post, there is no doubt in my mind that you are cut out for nursing. You have all the right attributes. You just may have taken on a little too much this early in your career.

[cb_rn]

If it were me I'd grow a pair real quick and tell the unit secretary and the nurse manager that if I'm going to do the US's damned work, they are going to pay me RN AND unit secretary salary

Just because you know how to do your orders doesn't mean you are obligated to. Do you think CNAs that go to their respective floors after graduation don't get aides to help with their patient?

Hey, if that sounded heated it isn't toward you OP. Its because I know exactly what you mean about people assuming they don't need to help you out. I'm serious. You might know how to do it but unless its an emergency and you need it right then, there is no way you should be doing that. And if all these other nurses aren't helping you out when you need it anyway (teamwork anyone??) then they are exhibiting a class A case of snottiness.

Ever seen a snotty nurse that wants to act like someone isn't a real RN because they knew them back when they were a CNA or SN? It makes me furious and I have seen it too many times.

[llg, PhD, RN]

I do my own orders. I rarely get help because everyone knows I am capable so I feel like I am doing 2 jobs. I am always getting out late. :

If you want to make it in an ICU, you need to get a backbone and put a stop to that. You should not be expected to do more work than the other nurses. If they get help putting in their orders, then so should you.

The other big mistake you made was choosing to work for a manager who doesn't believe new grads belong in an ICU. Don't blame the manager. It sounds like she made that clear befoe you took the job. That was your choice.

So ... if you want to stay in that position, you will have to "grow a pair" as cb_rn said and stand up for yourself. Ask for the same help that other nurses get with their orders and don't expect your nurse manager to change. If that doesn't sound like something you want to do, then maybe you need to switch jobs. I would guess that if you have survived in an ICU for 1.5 years, you would have sufficient experience and sufficient skills to find another job -- one in which you won't have all that baggage left over from your Unit Secretary / new grad RN days to carry around with you.

It sounds to me as if you might be more inclined to find another job rather than stick it out in the ICU. That's OK. There is nothing wrong with that. It might be the best choice you ever make. Good luck to you.

[salsa12]

I really admire you for going to the ICU so soon after graduation, but maybe it wasn't such a great idea? You aren't a failure if you go to med-surg for a while, especially as a new grad, and it sounds like you'll be happier and less worried. Maybe that's not what you want to hear, but think about it. You can always go back to ICU, later

[Vikingkitten]

I'm with cb and some of the others that say you should do your job and let others do theirs. I started out life as a brand new Army nurse who got assigned to ICU right out of the gate, just to see if it was going to be viable in the future. You described most of my first year, yet I had the Mentors and Co-Workers to let me know what was going on was more a function of family members with unrealistic expectations and not my skills. Usually involves the Out-of-town family, who swoop in on the local family and demand the Sun, the Moon, the Stars and the Plantets, usually out of guilt. Especially if you are the Hero one day, and the Zero the next. All in all, it takes time to develope a thick skin. Give yourself a break, and please don't quit. Some of us Oldsters would like to retire some day!

Above all, talk to someone who'd "Been there, done that" you trust.

My $.02.

[JEAN09]

Well i don't know you but from what you are saying u sound like a very considerate nurse and they would have never hired u onto ICU if they did not think u were competent. I am not a nurse as yet so i don't know how you feel but what i can say it seems as though you are in a place where your colleagues do not accept you and your manager do not respect and en-power you. How can u work when you are in constant uneasiness and afraid of making a mistake. I personally feel as though you may have to leave the ICU. You have no support. It best before you risk losing your license. Once you have a feeling you should act on it and move on and out!!!!!!!! Good luck and don't give up. :)

[Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN]

The ICU is tough speciality to go into straight out of the gate. The learning curve is steep, the patients are critical and you don't have the wiggle room for learning and errors that you'd have on a less acute floor.

That's not to say that you could succeed in the ICU, but as others have said, you'll have to grow that pair and be more assertive...and you'll have to accept the fact that you're not in the most nurturing environment. And if you decide to step away from the ICU and move to something less acute, that's nothing to be embarrased about either.

Best of luck!

[westmidwest]

I feel you.

I would go to your supervisor, or a CNC or a senior nurse, and ask for help. Just explain I am here, I know some people do not think I should be as a new nurse but I am here and I am committed to being the best nurse I can be. Ask them how you can improve, what do I need to do, to learn, to model to be a success. Tell them how much you want to be here, and you are simply looking for their guidance and help, to take the best care of our patients and contribute to the unit. Most people (though not all) will soften, realize your trying your asking for help. It might not happen the day you ask but asking shows you respect them (people like that) and that you care and you want to succeed. Most people will try to help you, or at least try not to tear you down.

good luck