I was wondering, do you think that countries that do more elder care in family settings, rather than institutional ones, will fare better in this crisis?
I read today, on a mainstream news outlet, that in some states 50% of the fatalities from the Coronavirus are from nursing home patients. More than 10,000 nursing home deaths in NY alone.
I'm pretty sure that less wealthy countries do most of their eldercare by relatives. What do you think? Nursing homes seem to be a vortex for coronovirus fatalities.
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
1 minute ago, Emergent said:
Fortunately, I never bought into the whole inheritance thing. It got so tiresome, in addition to the other dysfunction, that I just went my own way and emotionally let go of the ideal that I had of having a good father. I realized that it just was never going to happen.
All growing up in as a teenager and adult I had to always be drawing boundaries with him. When I was 12, I had to say, please do not pinch my butt anymore. When I was 17 I had to say, no I'm not interested in going to your sex orgy or having sex with you. When I was in my twenties I had to say, I do not want to discuss my sex life with you. When I was in my thirties I had to say, I don't want you ever to hug me in public again, or discuss your sexual life with me.
Always, The inheritance came up in conversations. Then, when I married my excellent second husband, he said he was going to disinherit me. That pretty much fractured the relationship for good, not that there was anything healthy to fracture.
It just got tiresome and old, and I had a busy life and other things to do. It turns out, I had been disinherited way before that incident. Maybe because I was adopted he didn't feel much connection. I think his only love was ultimately for himself.
That is horrifying and I am sorry you went through it.
That is horrifying and I am sorry you went through it.
I am very sorry that you had to go through that also!
My Mom and Dad were good parents while I was growing up but after my Mom died my Dad got remarried and lets just say she was a total witch. Not anything like you went through but my siblings and I were also eventually disinherited even though that was not what my Dad wanted, she was able to do some legal maneuvering after he died bc of loopholes. Some people are just total narcissist orifice's.
I am very sorry that you had to go through that also!
My Mom and Dad were good parents while I was growing up but after my Mom died my Dad got remarried and lets just say she was a total witch. Not anything like you went through but my siblings and I were also eventually disinherited even though that was not what my Dad wanted, she was able to do some legal maneuvering after he died bc of loopholes. Some people are just total narcissist orifice's.
It always baffles me when a parent chooses a new spouse over their children. It sounds like your step-mom was a horrible. ?
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
1 hour ago, lifelearningrn said:
It always baffles me when a parent chooses a new spouse over their children. It sounds like your step-mom was a horrible. ?
At the risk of going far afield, how long does the new spouse have to be married to the parent before its just....a marriage? I worry about this a lot. My spouse is quite a bit older than me.. We have been together 18 years, married legally for 10 of those. His kids will get a little something when/if he predeceases me, but basically we have left the bulk of all assets, financial and otherwise, to one another.
He paid exorbitant alimony for 10 years after their divorce and his daughter racked up over 30K in student loans for a degree she quit trying to earn while in her senior year. He paid that. Those things ate up most of the funds he came into the marriage with. He was supportive of me through nursing school, but we managed to do that without taking out loans, funding it with my inheritance from my grandparents. I paid half the down payment on our current home with that as well. We paid off our mortgage in 9 years, together, with both of us earning and contributing.
I know when/if my husband dies, she is going to be livid that she isn't inheriting, possibly litigiously so, partly because she drops "guess I will have to wait to buy that until I get my inheritance" comments all. the. time. when we are together. We have set up a trust so that we don't have to have ugly court battles should one of us die. What we have now, we made together.
Does that make me an evil stepmother who stole an inheritance? My husband retired 2 years ago. I am still working full time. I earn a very good six figure salary. He has a small IRA and gets social security. We are happy with our arrangement, but is she going to think she is owed something? Yes, he came into the marriage with a LOT more money than me - he also came in with a LOT more obligations, primarily to her and her mother.
Sorry for the sidebar. I just always cringe when I see these things. No way should either of our children be inheriting ahead of one another as spouses. We made this money, bought our house, built our savings, made a life together. He came into the relationship with significantly more money than me, but spent basically all of it supporting her and her mother. I never once begrudged this. But undoubtedly she isn't going to see it that way. I now earn significantly more than him. We are happy. She will get something, but definitely not the bulk. Nor will her brother. Nor will my own children.
eta: I am not evil to his kids. I love them. She is a difficult circumstance, given her mental/addiction issues and drifts in and out of my personal sphere based on her personal preferences for how much contact we have. She goes hot and cold about me and currently lives off her mother, who is living off social security herself.
I altered my post from your quoted response because I felt it was unduly harsh and didn't accurately reflect my real thoughts. I knee jerked, because I find bragging about being unwilling to assist parents or other loved ones when they become old and frail is absolutely repugnant to me. But I can't cast the blanket of shame over all. There are very valid reasons not to. But to be proud of it? That baffles me.
When I was growing up, my mother threw me out of the house several times when I had become too old to beat. The feelings of abandonment I felt were infinitely worse than the beatings. Unlike the Millennial stereotype of kids living with their parents, I have lived alone and paid everything since I was twenty or twenty-one. Even to this day, I don't feel comfortable being at my parents' house for more than a day or two, and I'm angsty to leave.
Anyway, to be in your own home is to be the proverbial king of your castle. You wouldn't feel peace being under someone else's roof. Imagine how awkward it would have to be to have a parent still try to tell you what to do and then having to be harsh and tell them it's your house and you can do whatever the hell you want.
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
Just now, A Hit With The Ladies said:
When I was growing up, my mother threw me out of the house several times when I had become too old to beat. The feelings of abandonment I felt were infinitely worse than the beatings. Unlike the Millennial stereotype of kids living with their parents, I have lived alone and paid everything since I was twenty or twenty-one. Even to this day, I don't feel comfortable being at my parents' house for more than a day or two, and I'm angsty to leave.
Anyway, to be in your own home is to be the proverbial king of your castle. You wouldn't feel peace being under someone else's roof. Imagine how awkward it would have to be to have a parent still try to tell you what to do and then having to be harsh and tell them it's your house and you can do whatever the hell you want.
Your stance is entirely reasonable given the trauma of your experience.
At the risk of going far afield, how long does the new spouse have to be married to the parent before its just....a marriage? I worry about this a lot. My spouse is quite a bit older than me.. We have been together 18 years, married legally for 10 of those. His kids will get a little something when/if he predeceases me, but basically we have left the bulk of all assets, financial and otherwise, to one another.
He paid exorbitant alimony for 10 years after their divorce and his daughter racked up over 30K in student loans for a degree she quit trying to earn while in her senior year. He paid that. Those things ate up most of the funds he came into the marriage with. He was supportive of me through nursing school, but we managed to do that without taking out loans, funding it with my inheritance from my grandparents. I paid half the down payment on our current home with that as well. We paid off our mortgage in 9 years, together, with both of us earning and contributing.
I know when/if my husband dies, she is going to be livid that she isn't inheriting, possibly litigiously so, partly because she drops "guess I will have to wait to buy that until I get my inheritance" comments all. the. time. when we are together. We have set up a trust so that we don't have to have ugly court battles should one of us die. What we have now, we made together.
Does that make me an evil stepmother who stole an inheritance? My husband retired 2 years ago. I am still working full time. I earn a very good six figure salary. He has a small IRA and gets social security. We are happy with our arrangement, but is she going to think she is owed something? Yes, he came into the marriage with a LOT more money than me - he also came in with a LOT more obligations, primarily to her and her mother.
Sorry for the sidebar. I just always cringe when I see these things. No way should either of our children be inheriting ahead of one another as spouses. We made this money, bought our house, built our savings, made a life together. He came into the relationship with significantly more money than me, but spent basically all of it supporting her and her mother. I never once begrudged this. But undoubtedly she isn't going to see it that way. I now earn significantly more than him. We are happy. She will get something, but definitely not the bulk. Nor will her brother. Nor will my own children.
eta: I am not evil to his kids. I love them. She is a difficult circumstance, given her mental/addiction issues and drifts in and out of my personal sphere based on her personal preferences for how much contact we have. She goes hot and cold about me and currently lives off her mother, who is living off social security herself.
I was speaking of my personal situation in which my stepmother went against my Dads wishes and also a prearranged agreement that they had both made in which all children from both spouses would be included in any inheritance. I realize that there are many different situations and would never project my feelings/situation onto others. My sister is a stepmother and has learned from our evil stepmother (she did much more on an ongoing basis than to simply cut us out of the inheritance) how not to act and is a fair and good person. For me, it is not about the money as there wasnt much anyway but just the way she always acted, believe me I wasnt at all surprised when she tried and was able to do that. Again, not judging anyone, just my experience.
When I was growing up, my mother threw me out of the house several times when I had become too old to beat. The feelings of abandonment I felt were infinitely worse than the beatings. Unlike the Millennial stereotype of kids living with their parents, I have lived alone and paid everything since I was twenty or twenty-one. Even to this day, I don't feel comfortable being at my parents' house for more than a day or two, and I'm angsty to leave.
Anyway, to be in your own home is to be the proverbial king of your castle. You wouldn't feel peace being under someone else's roof. Imagine how awkward it would have to be to have a parent still try to tell you what to do and then having to be harsh and tell them it's your house and you can do whatever the hell you want.
Sorry for what you went through. I used to tell other nurses who would say things like "how can they treat their parent like this" (for not letting them dc the hospital to their home, not visiting very much etc) that we probably dont know the whole story, that there is probably something serious that has happened etc. There is always something that we dont know!
At the risk of going far afield, how long does the new spouse have to be married to the parent before its just....a marriage? I worry about this a lot. My spouse is quite a bit older than me.. We have been together 18 years, married legally for 10 of those. His kids will get a little something when/if he predeceases me, but basically we have left the bulk of all assets, financial and otherwise, to one another.
He paid exorbitant alimony for 10 years after their divorce and his daughter racked up over 30K in student loans for a degree she quit trying to earn while in her senior year. He paid that. Those things ate up most of the funds he came into the marriage with. He was supportive of me through nursing school, but we managed to do that without taking out loans, funding it with my inheritance from my grandparents. I paid half the down payment on our current home with that as well. We paid off our mortgage in 9 years, together, with both of us earning and contributing.
I know when/if my husband dies, she is going to be livid that she isn't inheriting, possibly litigiously so, partly because she drops "guess I will have to wait to buy that until I get my inheritance" comments all. the. time. when we are together. We have set up a trust so that we don't have to have ugly court battles should one of us die. What we have now, we made together.
Does that make me an evil stepmother who stole an inheritance? My husband retired 2 years ago. I am still working full time. I earn a very good six figure salary. He has a small IRA and gets social security. We are happy with our arrangement, but is she going to think she is owed something? Yes, he came into the marriage with a LOT more money than me - he also came in with a LOT more obligations, primarily to her and her mother.
Sorry for the sidebar. I just always cringe when I see these things. No way should either of our children be inheriting ahead of one another as spouses. We made this money, bought our house, built our savings, made a life together. He came into the relationship with significantly more money than me, but spent basically all of it supporting her and her mother. I never once begrudged this. But undoubtedly she isn't going to see it that way. I now earn significantly more than him. We are happy. She will get something, but definitely not the bulk. Nor will her brother. Nor will my own children.
eta: I am not evil to his kids. I love them. She is a difficult circumstance, given her mental/addiction issues and drifts in and out of my personal sphere based on her personal preferences for how much contact we have. She goes hot and cold about me and currently lives off her mother, who is living off social security herself.
Thank you for sharing your story. Like everything, one size does not fit all. My husband's step-mom has been married to his father about 18 years, and were together 10 years before that. She is amazing. And much younger, and she will get everything when he passes. We are in 100% support of this. It's their money, not ours. She owns (they own it jointly but it's her baby) and runs a used bookstore. She's stated openly if she dies first, she wants it to go to their one employee. In the early years, he worked for books. They are remarkable people.
Your step daughter sounds like a spoiled brat, if I'm being honest. I know there are wicked step-parents and also wicked step-children.
Perhaps her father should have a heart-to-heart with her so temper her expectations? It's my understanding that parent's are required to leave anything to their children. What legal right would she have if he's got a will?
When I was growing up, my mother threw me out of the house several times when I had become too old to beat. The feelings of abandonment I felt were infinitely worse than the beatings. Unlike the Millennial stereotype of kids living with their parents, I have lived alone and paid everything since I was twenty or twenty-one. Even to this day, I don't feel comfortable being at my parents' house for more than a day or two, and I'm angsty to leave.
Anyway, to be in your own home is to be the proverbial king of your castle. You wouldn't feel peace being under someone else's roof. Imagine how awkward it would have to be to have a parent still try to tell you what to do and then having to be harsh and tell them it's your house and you can do whatever the hell you want.
You position definitely reflects the trauma you experienced growing up. It sounds like your mother was overbearing and controlling, and when you tried to exert independence while living at home, you were told, "live by my rules or get out'. My parents did this to a lesser extent. They had expectations, and we were free to follow them or move out. Only their expectations weren't oppressive or overbearing, making them easy to follow until each of us were ready to fly on our own.
I don't blame you for not wanting to care for your mother in her old age. Maybe over time she will come to see her mistakes and hope to make amends. If so, it's entirely up to you to accept or reject them.
Specializes in Critical care, tele, Medical-Surgical.
My Dad was a musician and music teacher. You have almost certainly heard his trumpet. He is the trumpet player in the video I'll post at the bottom of this post.
A couple days before he died my Daddy gave me a wonderful gift.
He was in hospice with mets in his bones and paralysis traveling up from his spinal cord. Step-Mom was the official caregiver. After a 12 hour registry day shift I turned on my phone to a message from my sister, who is not a nurse, and step-Mom to come right away. I let my husband know where I was going and drove to their house. The "emergency" was a code brown in the king size bed!
While I cleaned and changed the sheets I let them know I would be there as long as needed.
Step-Mom said to me, "It must be difficult doing such a personal thing to your own father."
My Daddy said to her, "No. She is a professional. To her it was like me practicing scales."
What a wonderful gift from a daddy to his nurse daughter! ?
My Dad was a musician and music teacher. You have almost certainly heard his trumpet. He is the trumpet player in the video I'll post at the bottom of this post.
A couple days before he died my Daddy gave me a wonderful gift.
He was in hospice with mets in his bones and paralysis traveling up from his spinal cord. Step-Mom was the official caregiver. After a 12 hour registry day shift I turned on my phone to a message from my sister, who is not a nurse, and step-Mom to come right away. I let my husband know where I was going and drove to their house. The "emergency" was a code brown in the king size bed!
While I cleaned and changed the sheets I let them know I would be there as long as needed.
Step-Mom said to me, "It must be difficult doing such a personal thing to your own father."
My Daddy said to her, "No. She is a professional. To her it was like me practicing scales."
What a wonderful gift from a daddy to his nurse daughter! ?
Beautiful gift indeed! And your Daddy was quite talented also.
I am glad my Dad died first because he was absolutely devastated when my Mom died and I didn't want him to have to go through that again.
Nurse SMS, MSN, RN
6,843 Posts
That is horrifying and I am sorry you went through it.