Family issue..Thoughts?

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LONG POST****

Hello guys,

I have been a lurker of this site for about 4 years now and finally decided to make an account today. Before I get started here's a little bit of background information about me.

I am 21, from Texas. I am a senior BSN program. I still live at home with my mom and 2 younger siblings.

Now for the story...

I am having family issues at home. It has not been the first time, it actually happens very often. My mom and I have never really had a great relationship since I can remember. She seems to have a "favorite" child, whom is my 16 year old sister. Since I can remember she has always gone out of her way to satisfy my sister, kiss her **s just to make sure not to disappoint her. She will pretty much agree with anything my sister does and says just to please her. Recently, she brought up the idea of my letting my sister go off to college. This is where my problem comes in..

When it was my time to go off to college she absolutely said no and threatened that if I left she would not talk to me anymore. I didn't have a car, had never held a job before, and the first person in my family to attend college so the thought of me being out on my own without a parent to talk to scared me, so I followed my mom's wishes and stayed close. She then told me that if I went to a local college (20 minutes away) I could move on campus. Once I agreed to go to the local college and it was time for me to look for dorms, she said no. Fast forward 4 years later, I'm a senior in a nursing program, 21 years old, and she still will not agree to let me move out!!! She has also tried to talk me into living here once I graduate college as well. NOT HAPPENING.

It angers me because she's agreed to let my sister leaves once she finishes high school. Today I brought up the option of moving into my own apartment (about 15 minutes away) and she flipped out. I am not happy living here because she is controlling my whole life. Not to mention she also tries to control my friends, who I date, my money, etc. Pretty much my whole life. Meanwhile, my 16 year old sisters lives a better life than me. She claims that she doesn't care if I left, but soon as I bring it up all hell breaks loose.

The only reason I have not up and left yet is because I do not want to upset or disappoint my mom in any way but it seems as though she is going to control me as long as I allow her to BUT now I think its time for me to go whether she likes it or not. I do not feel like it's fair for her to choose my college and place of residence for 4 years of my life, meanwhile actively plans and help look for colleges for my sister to move to once she graduates. I have basically lived 4 years of my life for my mom. It has been so miserable.

I have no clue what it's like to be a college student honestly. All I do is go to school, work, and home. No life at all.

PS: She MADE me stay here and MAKES me pay rent as well. She has never put in a dime on my college education. I've paid out of pocket or loans.

Any thoughts of my situation?? What would you do?

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Specializes in psych, addictions, hospice, education.

I'd brace myself for her reaction, and move. She will get over it eventually and will probably escalate awhile.

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You're an adult. She can't MAKE you do anything. If you want to move out, go. In the long run, it will probably help your relationship.

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Specializes in Ambulatory Care-Family Medicine.

Have an apartment and job lined up and the day after graduation just leave. You can leave a note if you don't want to deal with a face to face confrontation. I would try to hold on until after graduation and you have a solid job offer. My older sister was and still is my parents "favorite". It's better now that I'm grown, married, and have my own home but I still hold that resentment and I'm not close with any of my family. You just have to decide what you are willing to put up with and move on from there.

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You're an adult. She can't MAKE you do anything. If you want to move out, go. In the long run, it will probably help your relationship.

You're right. She can't make me. But when she threatens to never talk to me again that's honestly what makes me stay. Our relationship really has never been good, but I will still feel guilty by leaving and disappointing her.. Which she takes advantage of.

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Have an apartment and job lined up and the day after graduation just leave. You can leave a note if you don't want to deal with a face to face confrontation. I would try to hold on until after graduation and you have a solid job offer. My older sister was and still is my parents "favorite". It's better now that I'm grown, married, and have my own home but I still hold that resentment and I'm not close with any of my family. You just have to decide what you are willing to put up with and move on from there.

This is what I was trying to do. I only have two more semesters so I'm trying to tough it out, but everyday gets worse. There is definitely resentment and I'm not close with anyone in my household, and not by choice.

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Wow. She has really, really manipulated you. She's treating you like dirt, and you're worried about hurting her. Do you see how screwed up that is? I'm sorry. She's your mother, so it's not so easy, I know. But your relationship with her is toxic. It's not healthy, and the longer you remain under her thumb, the harder it's going to get and the more toxic it will be. If you can hang on until graduation, that would be better for you financially - but it really depends on how much this is affecting your studies and your emotional status.

Getting out would probably be more beneficial to your relationship in the long run. Sometimes you can love someone, but living together just doesn't work.

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Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.

Guilt occurs when you feel bad because you did something wrong.Parents are supposed to prepare their children to become independent adults.Don't talk yourself into feeling guilty for growing up.You may never have the loving relationship with your mother you dream of-get out,make a living feel for yourself and vow to be a better mother to your own children

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If you are putting yourself through school, you will be more than capable of supporting yourself and live your own life. Just tell her "mom, I love you but I have to live my own life" and do it. You might want to move far away from home as physical distance might help you with this transition. ( I get along well with my mom but was stationed across the country after I graduated from school with the Army). I had a get my own life.

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Wow. She has really, really manipulated you. She's treating you like dirt, and you're worried about hurting her. Do you see how screwed up that is? I'm sorry. She's your mother, so it's not so easy, I know. But your relationship with her is toxic. It's not healthy, and the longer you remain under her thumb, the harder it's going to get and the more toxic it will be. If you can hang on until graduation, that would be better for you financially - but it really depends on how much this is affecting your studies and your emotional status.

Getting out would probably be more beneficial to your relationship in the long run. Sometimes you can love someone, but living together just doesn't work.

I agree. Financially ... I'm ok. I do pay her to live here so it's not like I've never paid rent before. I don't have a job for next fall + spring though so I don't really want to uproot and move when I'm not certain if I'll have a job or not. I do have a small amount of money saved up though.

It does effect me emotionally. Either I can't keep a relationship with anyone because of her interfering, or just because I have so many issues with her it hinders my relationship with other people.

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As others have voiced, you are an adult. It sounds like whether you stay or whether you leave your house, your relationship with your mom will remain strained if there are no changes in how she treats you (Have you considered doing family counseling?) At least if you move out, you will be able to make your own decisions, and it's not too far that you can't visit often.

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Wow I relate to your situation..In a sense…my parents were never there for me..cops were over our place many times…I have come far from that..I was a little kid that God was watching ME!!!

I now am in a FNP program..don't really speak with my mom..our relationship was like me being the mother and her the daughter..in high school I used to help provide for my needs and hers ! Like clothes, dental bills etc.. anyway…I felt the same guilt as you when I moved to college (which was 2 hrs away) the thing is my mom never really cared….but I felt guilty….that I had left her there (bc my stepdad was abusive) and I was off to my "great life".

Life was hard…I had student loans…and when you don't have help you know how that works….can't buy books until 2nd week of class so you're behind because the loan refund didn't come in..

Now after many years of school lol I feel I have made the right decision! You have to live on your own at some point…right? And you will be a RN…luckily you have the means to do so..

So i would leave if i were you but tell her in a nice mature conversation. I am guessing she won't understand but eventually she will!!!! and ? then? she won't ever talk to you? if that really happens..she is really not a true mom ( I know that is harsh) but ..how will you ever grow and have a family? how will you have your own life? It is not greedy…it is for your own future especially if she is not finically helping you at all? Who do you have to turn to? yourself...

it will be hard but you will get through this! :)

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