Doctors Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

Ruby Vee, BSN · Apr 27, 2018

Years ago, when I was working in a world famous teaching hospital associated with Man's Best Medical School, we were frequently subjected to Man's Best Medical Students on their clinical rotations. We also worked with medical students from less well-known medical schools (three of them) in the city. Most of those "lesser" medical students were wonderful to work with, but the students from MBMS were often a little out of touch with the realities of life on the Med/Surg floor.

One day when we were particularly short staffed and slammed with admissions and discharges, a MBMSiv (or fourth year medical student from Man's Best Medical School) showed up to practice doing admissions and assessments. We were instructed to call him "doctor" and to refer to him to the patients as "Dr. Dick." (I don't remember what his actual name was, so "Dick" will do fine.) The patient was a little old lady who had been on the floor for months awaiting nursing home placement, so she was well versed in MBMSiv's and their "practicing medicine" on her person. We'll call her "Maybell" because that was (to my recollection) her name, and she's been gone for about forty years now so is unlikely to read this post.

Dr. Dick was in Maybell's room with the curtains pulled and the (brand new) door closed for an awful long time -- so long that I, as busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest, had forgotten he was even in there. I was peacefully engaged in a med pass when Dr. Dick came FLYING out of Maybell's room, waving a bedpan and shrieking in an earsplitting imitation of an over-caffienated eight year old "She's gotta pee, she's gotta pee!" He came to rest directly in front of me, fixating on my "RN" badge as if I could save him from destruction.

"OK," I said.

"Well what should I do?" He had probably gathered that I wasn't fixing to rescue him from his conundrum.

"Give her the bedpan," I said as calmly as I could muster, with my pounding headache, my bulging bladder and my empty stomach.

I thought I had heard the dumbest thing I'd ever heard out of the mouth of Dr. Dick when he then asked me, "Well where is it?"

"It's in your left hand," I told him, and watched while he lowered the hand holding the bedpan from where he had been waving it over is head and stared at the object in question.

"Oh," he said in his best "the light just dawned" manner. And then he said an even dumber thing.

"Where do I put it?"

Well you're the MBMSiv; where do you think you put it?

nursecolley, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN, EMT-P · Apr 28, 2018

I was working in EMS, and was transferring a 17 year old, 24 weeks gestation from one hospital to another. The doctor told me that she would not deliver before we got to a higher level hospital. Halfway through the trip, my shoes became soaked. I quickly checked the patient, and saw that I had a foot presentation. I called MedCom to alert them of the change in status. As I finished my report, I only heard silence on the other end. Quickly, I asked, "MedCom, did you copy?" The reply: Stand by, I'm thinking!

MarivicRN · Apr 28, 2018

I was working in Medical Unit where we take care of patient with multiple commordities, very sick patient and unpredictable whether they will deteriorate any time. Emergencies occurs after hours Will be referred to the on call physician or during a code blue , ER physician also responds. One night shift, around 1 am, one of our patient deteriorate and crashes, called code blue, we started rescucitating with RT, PCD on duty, and around 3-4 nurses Both RN/LPN working that night. After maybe 1 minute of rescuscitation, Doctor from ER arrived and stood in front of the bed, supposed to take over the code, the RN in charge reported and updated him with the situation while continuing with the code. The Physician remained standing and looking and responded "OK" and appeared he freeze as everytime we ask him or to verify medication "OK" is the response. The Doctor remained stood still while watching us running the code.

2BRNagain · Apr 28, 2018

At the tail-end of nursing school, a group of new-hires and I were in an orientation with our new floor supervisor. She had invited a couple of doctors with whom we would need to be familiar to come and greet us. A few minutes into the meeting, one of the doctors stepped into the room, and the supervisor stopped so he could introduce himself. "My name is Dodd," he said in a deep and pompous voice. "Rhymes with God." My classmate leaned over and whispered "Also rhymes with clod."

TruvyNurse · Apr 28, 2018

I was working 2nd shift after the on site doctor went home. Had a high glucose reading and called to get some insulin orders. Pretty typical occurrence.

"Hey Doctor *****, patient X is reading (blah blah), can I get an order for some more insulin?" -Me

"Sure. Give him X amount And recheck him. If it's not under this number call me back." -Doctor

"Okay great. Thank you."-Me

"Wait! What are you doing this weekend?" -Doctor

"Working..why?"-Me

"Well I was going to get groceries but didn't know if you wanted to meet up after you get off?" -Doctor

"No thank you!!" I said and I hung that phone up. Creep!! He knew I was married too. Bleck!! Needless to say, this was very uncomfortable to report.

nursej22, MSN, RN · Apr 28, 2018

Little old lady on the medical floor, non monitored, c/o chest pain. Call to her MD who declared it arthritis and ordered Tylenol, and said "don't call me again unless she's dead."

15 minutes later, call to same MD to report code has been called. "Wait, don't start until I call her family and check her code status."

cardiacfreak, ADN · Apr 28, 2018

I was sitting at the desk charting one day when two doctors were having a discussion about the one's son who was in Afghanistan fighting. The cardiothoracic surgeon said, "Hell, Ive probably killed more people than he has" . The look on my face must have been startling because he quickly walked away.

mechai44 · Apr 28, 2018

I stood behind a physician as he attempted to explain why the medications this particularly patient was told he "had to have" didn't work on the patient. The patient asked, "You told me in the ER that this would work but it hasn't. Why didn't it work like you said it would?" The doctor looked squarely at the patient and responded, "This is why we call it 'Practicing Medicine'. Any other questions I'm certain the nurse can answer at this point" and he shook his hand and walked out of the patients room while my brain swirled trying to prepare for what I anticipated to be the patients questions!

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Apr 29, 2018

I was working in Medical Unit where we take care of patient with multiple commordities, very sick patient and unpredictable whether they will deteriorate any time. Emergencies occurs after hours Will be referred to the on call physician or during a code blue , ER physician also responds. One night shift, around 1 am, one of our patient deteriorate and crashes, called code blue, we started rescucitating with RT, PCD on duty, and around 3-4 nurses Both RN/LPN working that night. After maybe 1 minute of rescuscitation, Doctor from ER arrived and stood in front of the bed, supposed to take over the code, the RN in charge reported and updated him with the situation while continuing with the code. The Physician remained standing and looking and responded "OK" and appeared he freeze as everytime we ask him or to verify medication "OK" is the response. The Doctor remained stood still while watching us running the code.

ER nurses train them that way. They speak up when they have something to add.

One of our docs was leading a gaggle of medical students. He stopped in front of the white board, and proclaimed "Prostatitis is the common cold of the pelvis." They all nodded eagerly, and walked to their next victim.

lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN · Apr 29, 2018

"My one day old baby can swallow, this trached and vented patient can swallow just fine. Aspiration pneumonia is nothing." Ooooookaaaayyyyy....I'm sure you've never bronched someone with aspiration pneumonia....

dec2007 · Apr 29, 2018

Mine isn't funny, but rather awful, as the MD was actually in the process of lying directly to a patient's family. She (the patient) was elderly, 86 I believe, and the CV surgeon had performed a CABG telling the family that the procedure "would improve her quality of life for years to come". After ten days on the ventilator with no extubation in site (FI02 80%), when questioned about the continued need for artificial ventilation, the surgeon stated (whilst looking them in the eye), " Oh, we have only kept the tube in so we can suction her secretions more easily". She coded the next afternoon and died.