divorcing while in school advice

Euskadi1946 · Aug 3, 2004

I was a single parent in nursing school. No way could I earn enough as a CNA to support two kids. Husband disappeared. This is what I did. I quit my job, marched into the welfare/medicaid/food stamp office and said, "I just quit my job, I am due to start nursing school in 1 month and I need welfare (AFDC)." I assured the caseworker I would be graduating in 2 years and would be off welfare. I got grants/loans, food stamps, housing assistance, medicaid, AFDC, and organizations to pay for child care and gas for transportation. Now criticize all you want for using the system :chair: but there was a governmental agency that came in and did a study on the amount of money the government invested in me for 2 years and the money I returned to the community after graduation as a working adult able to care for my kids on my own.
And to top it all off the only responsibility I had during nursing school was studying and caring for my kids. It sure helped and I would definitely recommend it as an option. As long as you set the end goal.

I would never criticize you Veteran. You did what you had to do and besides you had paid enough taxes, it was about time to utilize the system to take care of yourself and your kids while you were in school. I did the same thing. After working 25 yrs in the medical field as a CNA, Unit Clerk, Secretary, EKG Tech and Monitor tech with one small child, it was time to go for the icing on the cake, RN, and I did. I know that the State of California will pay for college to get you out into the work force and off of the rolls.

missmercy · Aug 3, 2004

My first day of orientation included a warning from the teachers.
Do not make any life-changing decisions while in nursing school. It is a stressful time and you may live to regret it.
I don't know your circumstance. If he is abusive or has been unfaithful or is using drugs or is an alcoholic then I would say you need to leave.
If it is something else, I'd suggest counseling (maybe you already have).
Your question just shot me back to that room with the warning from the teachers. I think it was a good warning.
steph

Same here! My only advice is BE SAFE!! IF he is just a jerk -- maybe that could be ignored. If he is hurting you and/or the kids -- GET OUT OF THERE!!! Family and friends, church and/or social groups are very helpful

Hang tough! You need to be strong no matter what you decide --- neither path is going to be easy! Just remember -- priority #1 is take care of yourself and the kids!!! School comes in somewhere after that.

timewood · Aug 3, 2004

thanks to everyone for your replies...I figured that the question of why the divorce would come up.

oh well.

I have been married ten years to a man with Borderline Personality Disorder. We lived apart for a year and half while my oldest was a toddler. I could go into lots of gory details but, this move is something I would not make unless the situation was desperate. He was also alcoholic until he developed gout at around age 33. When he is in a "sweet" cycle...I am still a nervous wreck waiting for monster to emerge. He is very doting with my youngest but she has also asked me "why is Dad such a jerk to everybody". I found out a couple of years after we married (fly by nite stupid stupid courtship that ended in prego me) that he had physically abused his mother and his sister. He has never raised a hand to us...but his mouth and his head games are just as bad. When we were first married I had to be on govt assistance and lived in income based housing. I was hoping not to have to resort to that again but, my peace of mind I think is worth swallowing my pride very temporarily. Thank you for posting your stories...I feel that living apart from him and dealing with helping my daughters work through thier feelings would still be less stressful than living with him. The constant barrage of why I am not good enough, morally deficient (because i am less than perfect housekeeper), overlysensitive and "ditzy" (4.0 average...who's a ditz?) is more than I can stomach esp. since my father died suddenly about 1 year ago. "hubby" detects emotional frailty/need and is on it like a great white on a paper cut.

thank you for what practical advice you can give. I wish I was not having to consider this at this time...believe me.

missmercy · Aug 3, 2004

abuse is abuse! just because he doesn't slap you or throw you through the front window doesn't mean it doesn't count!! cruel taunting, nasty comments, threats -- hey!! that is just as bad!! again, be safe!! take care of yourself so that you can take care of those kids!!! don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help! as someone else has posted -- there is a difference between abusing the system and using it as it is intended to be used!! and remember -- others have survived nursing school with major traumas going on in their lives -- many of us have and we are here for you!! we want you to succeed and will encourage and support you all the way! it takes a very brave, intellegent person to realize that they have to make major changes -- sounds like you're that kind of person!! be safe -- we'll be here for you!

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Aug 3, 2004

Oh, never mind.......I'd posted something along the line of what Steph said, but then I read your post, and my advice was rendered meaningless.......DON'T put up with emotional abuse!! It'll be hard making it on your own, but you can do it......and for the sake of your children and your own mental health, you must do it.

I wish you the best. :)

hypnotic_nurse · Aug 3, 2004

Oh, I am so sorry...just remember that you are strong and smart and you can make a good life for yourself and your kids.

KaroSnowQueen, RN · Aug 3, 2004

Mind games are emotional abuse and are worse than any physical abuse, in my opinion, having suffered through both. Leave. Go. Run!

Go to school, and I think the option of having some governmental assistance while in school is a fine idea. Do that, spend time with your kids, and try to have a new life.

I divorced my first husband two years after I got out of school, should have done it sooner. Knew it was the right thing to do after the sheriff served papers on him, he moved out, and when he was gone, I felt NO sadness, just pure RELIEF!!!!!!!

timewood · Aug 4, 2004

Thank you all for your support and encouragement...it really helps. Thank you for your well wishes for me and my girls. :)

powellfarm1 · Feb 8, 2006

hi I just joined this site and I wanted to thank you for your post. my husband walked out 4 weeks ago, has another woman and does not care what happens. I have a 17 yr old about to graduate, a 5 yr old in kinder and a 21 month old. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years and live in the country with no neighbors. I have no family or friends here to lean on. I was just starting to go back for my RN and he walked out. I was thinking about welfare but was not sure I could do it. now I see that it made all of the difference for you. I have worked my whole life and now I think it is time that I got some help to better my family's life. thank you thank you thank you

i am an emotion wreck because it was so unexpected and I still love him with all of my heart. you support a man through the rough early years then he trades you in on a new model. I am so scared and worried. I am in texas and my family in in California. any thoughts or friendship you can give would save my life right now.

Dorito, ASN, RN · Feb 8, 2006

My best advice is to get on the wagon and get your child support in place. Welcome to the site and hang in there. This post is an old post but we know that this stuff happens all the time. Stay strong! Hugs!

danigirl58 · Feb 8, 2006

Powellfarm

I just saw your post and thought that I would give a quick reply. When I went into my nursing program (which I might add was to be for 5 years 4 for BN and one for high school upgrades to get into the faculty of nursing) I was in a relationship that was going kind of well. Well in the first 2 weeks of being in school I found out that i was pregnant. I already had one child and decided that if i was going to better my life that i would finish my school no matter what. None of my family lived where i was, kind of like you my family lives on the west coast and i live in Central Canada. well to make a long story short my relationship ended (my choice) in my second year of nursing. it was hell, it was hard, at times i didn't see my children at all and sadly started to hate going to school. Now however i have 1.5 months to go before I finish my BsN. Its been hard but my god I am so excited to finally be done and to realize that my dream of becoming a nurse and the knowledge that I am going to give my children a better life is right on my door step.

if i had to go back in time would i deal with babysitters, not seeing my children, all the stress little to no money ...... yes I would no one is going to give me a life that i need. only i can do that for myself and my children. Hang in there, it may be a bumpy road but its your road to make and to take.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Feb 8, 2006

i got divorced while in graduate school. my husband had always been verbally and emotionally abusive, but the physical abuse didn't start until i was in school. i think he figured that i was trapped -- i had no job and no money, and school was expensive. halfway through graduate school, i left with nothing but what i was wearing and a golden retriever -- immediately after he tried to strangle me to death. my divorce was necessary.

going through school while dealing with the divorce and it's psychological and financial aftermath was no joy. but i did it. and while i don't recommend choosing to combine the two, if you need a divorce, for gods sake, get one! if he's already emotionally and verbally abusive, i fear for your safety once you go to school and start leaving his realm of control.