Each day I wake up for another day the same as yesterday
I make my coffee and turn on my computer, browsing my emails before anything else.
For the last several weeks, there are constantly new updates surrounding Covid-19.
New training guidelines, new questions to discuss with patients, changes from the CDC and updates regarding medication dispensing.
Help for the fight
There are also constant requests from state governors, healthcare agencies and boards of nursing requesting additional healthcare personnel to help fight this virus.
Requesting nurses to come out of retirement. Waiving reinstatement fees and extending licensure renewals. They are almost begging.
My heart races and my stomach drops – I feel guilty
My social media feeds are flooded with pictures and videos of nurses crying, quitting their jobs due to fear, risking their lives working without proper PPE, or simply braving the virus and taking a risk because of their oath of caring for others cannot be shaken.
Should I be out there?
I stepped away from the bedside in 2018. I was fortunate to find a position as a Case Manager with the added benefit of working from home. I am young and do not have a family I am supporting or worried about spreading the virus to. I should be out there. In fact, I did reach out to my employer about the possibility of taking leave to help on the frontlines, but this was not granted. I would be lying if part of me wasn't a tiny bit relieved.
I believe that most nurses, healthcare professionals in general, have a sense of needing to help. If you ask a nurse why they chose their profession, that is likely the answer you will receive. We seem to naturally possess traits of compassion, selflessness, and empathy. We are also (usually) stellar at teamwork and critical thinking. Unfortunately, the traits of a nurse can be detrimental. To ourselves. We tend to put the oxygen mask on someone else before ourselves, metaphorically speaking. We do not often make ourselves a priority. I partly blame our healthcare environments for this. They have conditioned us to accept more responsibility with less support. To be a "team player.” To pick up extra shifts when we are exhausted. To work when we are unwell ourselves. And now, nurses are being exposed to a deadly virus and are not being provided basic PPE, yet they are expected to accept these conditions without complaint.
There is not a soul that does not support our frontline nurses during this time. Truthfully, I do not feel there is enough being done to support them (free donuts and shoes is barely a band-aid) but that is an article in itself...
I am grateful and I am necessary
At the end of the day I am grateful I do not have to make the decisions our frontline nurses do. I must remind myself that the work I do is also helpful and necessary. That I am still supporting my patients in a different manner by educating them, ensuring they have necessary supplies and medications and that they are staying home, in turn hopefully making a small dent in lessening the burden of hospitals and our brave nurses.
I hope that nurses are feeling confident enough in their WORTH to make the decisions that are right for them and their families. To know that their fear is valid and if they are scared or feeling unsupported that they need to use their voices. Remember that nursing is so vast with so many opportunities, and if your employer does not value you in a crisis, they do not deserve you.
Lastly
I want our frontline nurses to know that we stand with them in solidarity. We are crying and praying along with them. We admire their sacrifice and will never judge whatever tough decisions they may make during this time.
I'm feeling guilty. I'm in a different situation. I left a new grad program after 6 months when I was offered a job in an ambulatory surgery center. I found my calling there for sure. Well, once the govenor of my state put the kibosh on elective surgeries, there went my job. Temporarily, at least. I can do without working, as my husband is the breadwinner; however, I feel compelled to go and help out. The unit I left at the hospital (it was a med/surg position) has openings and they are eager to hire. My issue is, because I left a new grad position, I believe I burnt a bridge. I'm not sure entirely, as there was no real drama surrounding it. It's just that I was still in the program and I jumped ship for the job I really wanted. In any case, I've been having lots of inner dialogue with myself and I want to reach out to my old manager and ask if I could come and help. I don't know what to do. My husband works from home normally and my teenager is now home too doing virtual school. I don't want to bring anything home to them. Am I crazy for wanting to go back? Maybe so. Anyone else feeling like this?
Specializes in Tele, Interventional Pain Management, OR.
As a neurosurgery clinic nurse, I (intermittently) feel that same guilt for not being on the front lines. I don't delude myself for one second that my currently work-from-home butt, who sees a few in-person fresh post-ops one day weekly in clinic for suture/staple removal, is a hero nurse.
And yet, the multiple patients I talk to from home daily, on the phone or through the electronic portal, need my nursing care. Although elective neurosurgery cases at my affiliated hospital have been canceled/postponed for weeks, we still regularly post urgent/emergent cases as we are a Level II trauma center. Even COVID-19 can't keep people from having strokes, falling and developing subdural hematomas, sustaining spinal fractures in accidents, etc. When patients and their families find themselves on the other side of neurosurgery, they often need a nurse to guide them through what comes next. I am proud to provide that support.
I left acute care nearly 4 years ago after becoming pregnant with my son. I sought out ambulatory care to reduce risk to my child since I was an older first-time mom. Along the way, I think I found my niche in ambulatory care. My point is that ALL nurses have value. We are all REAL nurses.
I have everything I need to do my job safely. I am fortunate. Yes, I may be adjusting to work from home (WFH) with a three-year-old used to full-time school whose school has been closed for a month. At least I get to be with my son.
My fellow nurse colleagues actually on the COVID-19 frontlines do not have what they need. They did not "sign up for this". These nurses signed up to care for patients assuming they had everything they needed to do their jobs safely. Some of them have to quarantine away from their families or send their children away to keep them safe.
I think about nurses who are away from the line of fire all the time. If you came to the front lines, we would need another nurse to take your position. So unless you really want to go back to bedside, its not totally necessary as you would still be leaving an open and necessary position for another nurse
Also, I think about for those of us that have retired/been away from the bedside for awhile, how much support we'd need to get even partially up to speed?
I found myself coming to this site tonight hoping to find an article just like this one. I left bedside nursing 4 years ago to become an informatics nurse where I get to work from home everyday in my pjs. Ever since the first case of Covid-19 was confirmed in my state, I have felt guilty on a daily basis for not working on the frontlines. At the same time, I am also relieved that I’m not on the frontlines, which in turn makes me feel guilty again. It’s a constant internal struggle in my head. Do I leave my current position and volunteer to go back to the bedside, where I would, admittedly, be in way over my head. Or do I keep my current job where I can stay safe at home, when so many of my fellow nurses don’t have that option. Deep down, I know the work I do is helping other nurses who actually are on the frontlines. I just wanted to thank you for writing this article and expressing the same sentiment that so many of us are feeling. And thank you to the others who responded for reminding me that we don’t have to be on the frontlines to make a difference during this pandemic.
I had been working per diem in home health when the coronavirus hit the US. I also live with my elderly mother who has history of respiratory problems. At her insistance, I stepped away from my job and have been isolating at home with my mother. I would feel just horrible if I brought this devastating virus home to my her!
This sounds like my situation. I work per diem at a prison. My mother was horrified at the COVID-19 news, she has multiple health conditions, and I left pretty much for her. It is scary. I feel guilty all the time, all my coworkers are working hard, and I sit at home, busy, but missing work a lot. But how much more guilty would I feel if something happened to my family? I hear that pandemics are horrible once they hit a prison. I don't think there could be anyway that I could avoid bringing it home if I stayed at work.
At the same time, I am also relieved that I’m not on the frontlines, which in turn makes me feel guilty again. It’s a constant internal struggle in my head.
I do this, but worse. I catch myself constantly checking for cases to have come up in my prison as if that justifies my leaving, as if I need something more than what's going on to justify it. Then I feel guilty because I really don't want anyone to get sick, and I pray for my coworkers and patients every day.
Does that make me an awful person? I'm trying to do what's right, why is it so hard to figure out what that is anymore?
I am so thankful for all of the front line medical staff. I cannot imagine. At the same time, I do not feel guilty for one second. I have vulnerable family members. I would have left the job if I thought I was going to be exposed. I cannot bring this virus home. Perhaps I would have made a different decision years ago, before my family obligations arrived.
I have also worked from home in case management for the past year & half. Prior to that, I’ve spent 30+ years in long term care or hospice. I also asked my employer for some time off to go help my community & was denied. I too felt the guilt that I was secretly so relieved that they told me no. A sweet nurse friend reminded me I had done my time on the front lines & in the process had mentored many young nurses and aides throughout the years. She reminded me that I AM out there, it’s just not my hands doing the work but in the lessons I’ve taught. That’s helped some...but maybe added a new worry if I’ve taught them well enough to save their own lives too. ?
To all of us who are not on the front lines, maybe we are right where we are supposed to be, right where God wants us. I worked in nursing homes for five years, then I got a job in benefits administration for two and a half years. My father got sick and I left that job, a really good job, to take care of him. He was a war veteran, so the VA paid me to take care of him. It wasn't much money, but we got by. I did this for 8 years, until he passed away on January 3, of this year. During this time the arthritis in both my knees and right hip worsened. I could not stand up for an hour now, let alone a full shift. I am still grieving and I believe I am in depression. Then this virus hit! Thankfully, God led my family and I to a house in the country, with neighbours few and far between. Our old house in town would have been terrible during all this. I truly believe that God has his hand on all of us. He putting us where we are for a reason. You just have to have faith in his plan. The reason will be revealed at a later time.
I found myself coming to this site tonight hoping to find an article just like this one. I left bedside nursing 4 years ago to become an informatics nurse where I get to work from home everyday in my pjs. Ever since the first case of Covid-19 was confirmed in my state, I have felt guilty on a daily basis for not working on the frontlines. At the same time, I am also relieved that I’m not on the frontlines, which in turn makes me feel guilty again. It’s a constant internal struggle in my head. Do I leave my current position and volunteer to go back to the bedside, where I would, admittedly, be in way over my head. Or do I keep my current job where I can stay safe at home, when so many of my fellow nurses don’t have that option. Deep down, I know the work I do is helping other nurses who actually are on the frontlines. I just wanted to thank you for writing this article and expressing the same sentiment that so many of us are feeling. And thank you to the others who responded for reminding me that we don’t have to be on the frontlines to make a difference during this pandemic.
It feels good to know we are not alone in our feelings and can come together to share our thoughts.
.thumb.gif.a0171653eaae518ecf728198d692fc48.gif){kind=avatar}
MOmama
14 Posts
I'm feeling guilty. I'm in a different situation. I left a new grad program after 6 months when I was offered a job in an ambulatory surgery center. I found my calling there for sure. Well, once the govenor of my state put the kibosh on elective surgeries, there went my job. Temporarily, at least. I can do without working, as my husband is the breadwinner; however, I feel compelled to go and help out. The unit I left at the hospital (it was a med/surg position) has openings and they are eager to hire. My issue is, because I left a new grad position, I believe I burnt a bridge. I'm not sure entirely, as there was no real drama surrounding it. It's just that I was still in the program and I jumped ship for the job I really wanted. In any case, I've been having lots of inner dialogue with myself and I want to reach out to my old manager and ask if I could come and help. I don't know what to do. My husband works from home normally and my teenager is now home too doing virtual school. I don't want to bring anything home to them. Am I crazy for wanting to go back? Maybe so. Anyone else feeling like this?