Covid-19: The Guilt of the Work From Home Nurse

[maybug]

Each day I wake up for another day the same as yesterday

I make my coffee and turn on my computer, browsing my emails before anything else.

For the last several weeks, there are constantly new updates surrounding Covid-19.

New training guidelines, new questions to discuss with patients, changes from the CDC and updates regarding medication dispensing.

Help for the fight

There are also constant requests from state governors, healthcare agencies and boards of nursing requesting additional healthcare personnel to help fight this virus.

Requesting nurses to come out of retirement. Waiving reinstatement fees and extending licensure renewals. They are almost begging.

My heart races and my stomach drops – I feel guilty

My social media feeds are flooded with pictures and videos of nurses crying, quitting their jobs due to fear, risking their lives working without proper PPE, or simply braving the virus and taking a risk because of their oath of caring for others cannot be shaken.

Should I be out there?

I stepped away from the bedside in 2018. I was fortunate to find a position as a Case Manager with the added benefit of working from home. I am young and do not have a family I am supporting or worried about spreading the virus to. I should be out there. In fact, I did reach out to my employer about the possibility of taking leave to help on the frontlines, but this was not granted. I would be lying if part of me wasn't a tiny bit relieved.

I believe that most nurses, healthcare professionals in general, have a sense of needing to help. If you ask a nurse why they chose their profession, that is likely the answer you will receive. We seem to naturally possess traits of compassion, selflessness, and empathy. We are also (usually) stellar at teamwork and critical thinking. Unfortunately, the traits of a nurse can be detrimental. To ourselves. We tend to put the oxygen mask on someone else before ourselves, metaphorically speaking. We do not often make ourselves a priority. I partly blame our healthcare environments for this. They have conditioned us to accept more responsibility with less support. To be a "team player.” To pick up extra shifts when we are exhausted. To work when we are unwell ourselves. And now, nurses are being exposed to a deadly virus and are not being provided basic PPE, yet they are expected to accept these conditions without complaint.

There is not a soul that does not support our frontline nurses during this time. Truthfully, I do not feel there is enough being done to support them (free donuts and shoes is barely a band-aid) but that is an article in itself...

I am grateful and I am necessary

At the end of the day I am grateful I do not have to make the decisions our frontline nurses do. I must remind myself that the work I do is also helpful and necessary. That I am still supporting my patients in a different manner by educating them, ensuring they have necessary supplies and medications and that they are staying home, in turn hopefully making a small dent in lessening the burden of hospitals and our brave nurses.

I hope that nurses are feeling confident enough in their WORTH to make the decisions that are right for them and their families. To know that their fear is valid and if they are scared or feeling unsupported that they need to use their voices. Remember that nursing is so vast with so many opportunities, and if your employer does not value you in a crisis, they do not deserve you.

Lastly

I want our frontline nurses to know that we stand with them in solidarity. We are crying and praying along with them. We admire their sacrifice and will never judge whatever tough decisions they may make during this time.

[maybug, ADN, BSN, RN]

On 4/12/2020 at 8:55 AM, Nascar nurse said:

A sweet nurse friend reminded me I had done my time on the front lines & in the process had mentored many young nurses and aides throughout the years. She reminded me that I AM out there, it’s just not my hands doing the work but in the lessons I’ve taught. That’s helped some...but maybe added a new worry if I’ve taught them well enough to save their own lives too. ?

WOW!! That is a great reminder and so very true. We can only be responsible for ourselves and our own decisions. Everyone (nurse) must do what is best for them.

[maybug, ADN, BSN, RN]

8 hours ago, signet said:

To all of us who are not on the front lines, maybe we are right where we are supposed to be, right where God wants us. I worked in nursing homes for five years, then I got a job in benefits administration for two and a half years. My father got sick and I left that job, a really good job, to take care of him. He was a war veteran, so the VA paid me to take care of him. It wasn't much money, but we got by. I did this for 8 years, until he passed away on January 3, of this year. During this time the arthritis in both my knees and right hip worsened. I could not stand up for an hour now, let alone a full shift. I am still grieving and I believe I am in depression. Then this virus hit! Thankfully, God led my family and I to a house in the country, with neighbours few and far between. Our old house in town would have been terrible during all this. I truly believe that God has his hand on all of us. He putting us where we are for a reason. You just have to have faith in his plan. The reason will be revealed at a later time.

I think this is a great reminder as well. First, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. This time of isolation must make that even more difficult. I hope you and your family have support you can count on, even if it's through a screen or a phone call right now. I trust that we will come out of this stronger and so much more grateful for what we have.

[RN4KU]

Thank you for sharing, I feel the exact same way as a Utilization Review nurse. If I knew my work would release me for a LOA I would likely try to find a job with a staffing agency. I have been unable to find guidance from the government if I can be released temporarily and assist with CV-19.

[jpicurn]

I was super happy to read this!

I recently left hospital/bedside nursing in December 2019. I started orientation with the health department as a public health nurse, working in immunizations and TB testing. My orientation was due to finish in June 2020. Once this all hit, our clinics closed, my orientation was suspended, and I spent a panicked week worried about income loss, jobs, and what would happen. They then called us back to work phone banks, call patients, and provide some telephone guidance, and for that, I am grateful.

BUT....

There is a big huge part of my nursing soul that feels guilty every day. Every.single.day. When I hear from former coworkers, friends, and everyone I used to work with. When I see the news. When I drive to my office job and plug in my list of patients and start my day of phone calls and check in's and data. I feel like I should be doing "more" and I was always the nurse who came in early, stayed over, and worked extra.

BUT....

I am also reminded that for 20+ years, I was frontline. All the time. So my job change came at the right time for me. It's hard. I totally understand, and I miss my friends. :(

[AnonymousSuper]

Get over it. It's not serving you to feel guilty about this.

This isn't a communist country. No one is holding a gun to these nurse's head forcing them to work in the hospital and be in harms way. It's not the military where that HAVE to be there.

They are choosing to be there. No gun. No communism. Freedom of choice.

So now you feel guilty for their choice?

Be happy. You're safe and healthy.

Oath for caring for others? What about your oath to yourself and your family? Doesn't that matter? Would they be happier if you took a bedside job that lacked PPE to protect you?

You were wise to get away from the bedside.

I suppose you could just go back to the bedside.

Would that make you feel better and end your guilt?

Let's have you do this.

Take a travel nursing assignment in New York City (currently >100,000 case-ish?) and let me know how your guilt is doing 12 weeks later.

Stop feeling guilty for other people's decisions. You're still helping patients just in a different way.

[maybug, ADN, BSN, RN]

1 hour ago, AnonymousSuper said:

Get over it. It's not serving you to feel guilty about this.

This isn't a communist country. No one is holding a gun to these nurse's head forcing them to work in the hospital and be in harms way. It's not the military where that HAVE to be there.

They are choosing to be there. No gun. No communism. Freedom of choice.

So now you feel guilty for their choice?

Be happy. You're safe and healthy.

Oath for caring for others? What about your oath to yourself and your family? Doesn't that matter? Would they be happier if you took a bedside job that lacked PPE to protect you?

You were wise to get away from the bedside.

I suppose you could just go back to the bedside.

Would that make you feel better and end your guilt?

Let's have you do this.

Take a travel nursing assignment in New York City (currently >100,000 case-ish?) and let me know how your guilt is doing 12 weeks later.

Stop feeling guilty for other people's decisions. You're still helping patients just in a different way.

It’s unfortunate that I provided such a supportive comment on your article yet yours is so negative... another great example you can add to your perspective of how nursing is not worth it. Lots of nurses that are unsupportive of their teammates. I bet you are a joy to work with.

Otherwise, it appears you barely read my article or at least did not comprehend it correctly.

[Ashenk224, MSN, RN]

I work as a clinical informatics analyst and am currently working from home due to everything going on. I worked in the ICU prior to my current position. I’ve been in my current position for about 18 months. I’ve been feeling very guilty about not offering myself up to go back. I struggle with it more and more every day. The worse things get, the more I feel I need to go. On the other hand, I suffer from bad anxiety and the whole idea of going back to bedside just makes it worse. I don’t know what to do ?

[debmomto4, BSN, MSN, RN]

I’m in the same position. I left bedside for a Nurse educator position in Homecare Health Almost 2 years now. I work as a nurse education manager and do orientation for nurses who come into our company and also educate existing staff on Covid-19 protocol. But feel guilty I’m not on the front lines. They are. I’m in NYC so I’ve seen the need. My company asked the 4 educatorS not to accept volunteer positions when the state asked. The company said they needed us too. But it’s tough when I see the need. When I see my nursing students being put in the front lines since I also teach clinicals on the weekend. When the hospital I still am perdiem at send out group texts saying they need coverage. But I have tried to immerse myself in my work from home and hope I am making a difference in my own way. I pray for my city and all the other cities when I see they want to open up and know it will only bring more deaths if it’s too soon.

[citylights89, BSN, RN]

As a research nurse, I've been feeling the same way. Then, my institution decided to prepare for the possibility of a surge by having all nurses in the institution do online module training in case they have to be called to go back fill the positions that were vacated by nurses who volunteered for the COVID-19 team. As soon as it seemed like a firm possibility, I didn't want to go anymore. Fortunately, they are not putting anyone in a role that they do not feel comfortable with, designating several levels of care for people to be assigned. Our research patients need us too, and I just try to think that I am still helping out because my patient's needs don't go away because COVID-19 exists.

[maybug, ADN, BSN, RN]

11 hours ago, citylights89 said:

As a research nurse, I've been feeling the same way. Then, my institution decided to prepare for the possibility of a surge by having all nurses in the institution do online module training in case they have to be called to go back fill the positions that were vacated by nurses who volunteered for the COVID-19 team. As soon as it seemed like a firm possibility, I didn't want to go anymore. Fortunately, they are not putting anyone in a role that they do not feel comfortable with, designating several levels of care for people to be assigned. Our research patients need us too, and I just try to think that I am still helping out because my patient's needs don't go away because COVID-19 exists.

You make a great point. I doubt there is any nurse that WANTS to put their lives at risk, and we are fortunate that our roles are not putting us in danger (so to speak). Your last sentence sums it up. We are still needed where we are.

[RN0599, BSN, MSN]

I totally get the guilty feelings! I stopped working March 2020 due to COVID because my 86 year old mother is living with me! She has had respiratory issues in the past and I just couldn't see being out there and possibly bringing the virus home to her!  Here it is a year later and I am back to work...now as a nurse educator. We are both vaccinated and doing well. I have no regrets over the past year, as I got to know my mother better as a friend and a roommate and not just as her daughter! 

[T-Bird78]

Heck, I just want to know if your company is hiring!  I’m not in a hospital setting but am in ambulatory care, so I’m not quite front line but maybe second line or third line LOL. I was pulled to work in the hospital for two months earlier this year so my hat’s off to those who are in direct line of fire, but I’m just over direct patient care at this point.