Boyfriend doesn't want to see me. Am I being selfish?

[violet87, BSN, RN]

Question for my fellow nurses during this scary time..

I work in New York (outside the city) where we're being hit pretty hard. My hospital has over 350 patients with suspected and confirmed covid. I'm ICU trained so they have me floating to any ICU needing help every night. However, I have a small face so my N95 is only 90% effective so I'm not required to actually go IN the rooms with these patients, instead I get ones that have been ruled out or are there for different reasons. I havent been wearing an N95 all shift even though I've been in the hallways on covid units because but on these units all rooms were negative pressure. I plan on wearing it on any dirty floor without negative pressure rooms even though it's not totally effective (still better than nothing). But I haven't been put on any non negative pressure floors yet and may not at all because of my special circumstances with the mask.

But here's my dilemma.. my boyfriend is petrified to see me. He has slight asthma (doesnt have to take any meds just gets audilbly wheezy sometimes). Hes 28 and otherwise healthy as an ox, but he thinks this virus would be a death sentence. He wants to stay apart until this is over or see me from a distance with a mask on. I tried explaining to him that I change my clothes before coming home and I wash myself really well and have been monitoring my temperature. He doesn't think that's enough. It's really upsetting to me because I'm extremely stressed out at work with all this going on, and when I come home I could really use the comfort of my significant other.. I asked the nurses I work with and none of them are splitting from their boyfriends/husbands at this time and they've been inside rooms with numerous confirmed patients. With how upset this has made me, I've been pressuring him to change his mind. Am I being selfish?

I could really use some advice. What would you do? What can I do better?

Thank you all in advance for your responses.

[Naturally Brilliant, BSN, RN]

Well, as odd as this may sound, I don't think you should take it too personally. You are more likely to have the Coronavirus than a random person off the street, and if he is at high risk he just wants to ensure he doesn't go into respiratory arrest. It may well be a death sentence for him. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or doesn't want to be with you physically once this crisis passes!

Remember that there are many people in health care right now out there who are actually living apart from their spouses, partners, and children to ensure their loved ones don't get this virus.

See this:

https://thehill.com/homenews/news/490807-facebook-group-matches-dozens-of-health-care-workers-with-empty-rvs-where-they

[lifelearningrn, BSN, RN]

He has a history of asthma, I think he's right to be concerned. There is a lot out there that indicate asymptomatic people can and do spread this, so taking your temp everyday won't necessarily protect him.

There are A LOT of nurses right now that are self-isolating away from their families for the duration of this for fear of spreading it to loved ones. In this case, maybe you're both being a little selfish, and that's really natural...

[Naturally Brilliant, BSN, RN]

Oh, and if it makes you feel better, I'm 31 and single without kids. I work in a psych hospital and volunteered to staff the speciality Coronavirus unit if and when a COVID 19 patient comes in.

I figured that since I don't have anyone who is dependent on me or that loves me, it's better if I were more expendable than some of my co-workers, who have kids and partners or spouses. At least you have someone to look forward to being with once this is all over, and have a reason to feel valued by someone else. (-:

[SquishyRN, BSN, RN]

It's not unreasonable for him to be afraid given that he has an underlying condition and we're still not 100% sure how the virus affects different people. Last night in my ED, both of our respiratory distress r/o covid intubations were young... one was in their 30s, the other in their 40s, neither with significant medical conditions that they knew of.

Of course this doesn't mean that your need for comfort during such stressful times should be ignored or belittled. You both need to determine and discuss what's important to each of you and find a compromise acceptable to both of you that will meet each other's needs.

If you know physical distance is important to him for health reasons, what are some non-physical ways you can think of that he can show his support and give you comfort? Dedicated FaceTime sessions daily? On the radio this morning, I heard of a clever "date" idea one couple was doing... They would park next to each other facing opposite directions so the drivers' sides would be parallel to each other and talk to each other on the phone while still being able to see each other through their windows. They'd have dinner "together" in their cars with take out from the same place. Obviously not ideal, but, hey, they're making it work.

[Wuzzie]

[LC0929, ASN, RN, EMT-B]

....(and in trying to find some humor in this mess)....you said "boyfriend".......if you said, "husband", you'd be working OT....LOL.....?

..

[BeenThereGoingThere, BSN, RN]

I live in Washington and was working as a school nurse when this whole thing started. Agency. My domestic partner locked me out of our apartment. When he decided to answer the phone, he told me that he didn't want to be around anyone that might make him sick because he was afraid he would get something. If I had been working in an hospital, the people I rent a room from by the school has made it clear they feel I shouldn't live there if I'm around patients. (I did get the flu from the kids last year despite having the flu shot and wound up in the hospital. He got mildly ill a short time later and blamed me.) This might be a common scenario? I don't know.

The institutions here that are not hospital do not pay enough to allow one to live independently without warning of need to move. That means an hotel/motel situation. This would be a big problem. I resent this. I get his fear. But, I'm only in Seattle because of him. I could've wound up homeless. And, I'm not able to work in an hospital because of my housing situation. So this is a problem.

I see others still working in an hospital with an husband and family. Some use separate rooms. In past infectious disease situations, I threw my scrubs in the machine on entry to my home and hit the shower. Of course, we had no shortage of PPE, and I was always taught they were ineffective after being on a certain amount of time. We never had to wear them from room to room. So this is all new territory to all of us.

But, the risk of loosing a roof over our head is scary. I do know that there are some old dormitories around Seattle. They are archaic but interesting facilities that are now located in other parts of the city in new buildings. They had been selling this space for office etc. I don't understand why these older hospitals have not been re-opened for these and other space concern. One is a well cared for facility in Des Moines WA that is absolutely beautiful. It was for polio patients at one time. The staff lived there.

[Florence NightinFAIL, BSN, RN]

On 4/3/2020 at 8:00 AM, BeenThereGoingThere said:

I live in Washington and was working as a school nurse when this whole thing started. Agency. My domestic partner locked me out of our apartment. When he decided to answer the phone, he told me that he didn't want to be around anyone that might make him sick because he was afraid he would get something. If I had been working in an hospital, the people I rent a room from by the school has made it clear they feel I shouldn't live there if I'm around patients. (I did get the flu from the kids last year despite having the flu shot and wound up in the hospital. He got mildly ill a short time later and blamed me.) This might be a common scenario? I don't know.

Please tell me you called the police and forced him to let you in? PLEASE. The audacity! I don't know your situation, but that day he would go from "domestic partner" to an "ex" until I could safely move out. This is one of the saddest posts I've read.

Stay safe.

[BeenThereGoingThere, BSN, RN]

I got what I could and left. He’s now an EX. I was stunned. Now I realize I should’ve been wiser to begin with.