To keep this short the woman I have been dating for 5 months is starting her clinicals in August. I was with her during some of her pre-nursing classes and loved helping her study.
She fears that between work and school she won't be able to support a relationship, and is distancing herself. While I am sympathetic to these fears I deeply love this woman and want to help her through if only just to watch her triumph. I understand the lack of time together will be taxing but I'd prefer to look at the long term.
I guess my question boils down to would your life in school truly be better off without any sort of romantic attachment? I certainly don't want to impact her studies negatively, in fact I would relish the opportunity to help (even be a pincushion if necessary). However, if her education would be better off without me I will heed the credo "If you love something, let it go."
Obviously I know there isn't a concrete answer to this, I'm merely looking for feedback from those with experience. Thanks in advance!
I'm 39, a single mom, and starting my third semester in August. I've had my boyfriend for 4 months now. He lives over an hour away from me and we make it work. It's all about balance. My boyfriend is my rock. He is there for me when I have good days and bad. He never pressures me for more than I can give at that moment. A couple of weeks ago I had all of my end of the semester stuff due. Finals, care plans, projects to get done, we didn't see each other for almost 2 weeks. That was ok with him. He said he didn't want to mess up my school stuff for me and I appreciated that. Now that I am on summer break I am definitely devoting tons more time to him.
We do though, text each other first thing in the morning and last thing before we go to bed. We talk on the phone at least once a day and I make sure that I go to him on the weekends I don't have my son. I do not study 24/7. I put lots of my study time in during the day when he works and days I don't have school. I also make sure he knows he is a priority in my life but he understands that sometimes I just have to study. Some nights he would come up and play with my son and take care of dinner when he knew I had big tests that week, which I thought was super sweet.
Since we live an hour apart, we are just taking it one day at a time. We are not making any plans for the future right now. We are waiting until I graduate. So if everything works out, we should be looking at moving forward about a year from now.
My guy and I are both in nursing school and live about two hours away. It's tough because we both have homework but nice as well. He understands what I'm going through and we can read each other's papers to see what we think. Mostly, we have to chat through Skype because ain't nobody got time for that dating thing. I'm looking forward to summer break and actually seeing them.
westcounty, sit your girlfriend down for a serious talk. Tell her you love her and that you want to still be loving her years from now, so you're willing to put up with whatever challenges come from school. You must make her a solemn promise that you won't ever complain about feeling neglected and then stick to it. But also tell her you reserve the right to suggest that you think she needs a break from all the stress and take her on a picnic for a couple hours or something. You guys need to discuss honestly and realistically what her time in school will look like for you as a couple. Come up with strategies but also be flexible and able to change if they don't work.
If she still breaks up with you after that, then she doesn't have the same vision of your future that you do and likely never did. That hurts, but thems the breaks.
I think the only impact your romantic relationship would have on her end would be time constraints. But that is not a deal breaker. Many people are married and have families, have full time jobs, and have children while in nursing school. I'm not dating anyone currently, but as others have said, having that support and ability to confide in someone makes the stress a lot more bearable. You should talk to her and tell her that you are invested in this relationship and are willing to make it work, despite the struggles that may come. I applaud your devotion to her, and even though you have been dating 5 months, it's great that you are so invested in her well-being. I hope things work out for the best.
She didn't break up with me, she has been incredibly stressed and voiced these opinions. I have little insight into the life of a nursing student, and since I sincerely have her best interests at heart I wanted to do my due diligence. I've been browsing forums all evening just to understand the demands and workload.
I appreciate the insight, she is important to me and I would be remiss not see all sides.
Even if you want to stick around and support her, all starry-eyed and full of love, it has only been 5 months. You don't have that kind of stability to really last through those tough times (it's only been 5 months!!!!) -- you can read about it on here and she can vent to you, but youwill never really know the pressure, the terror, the stress, the exhaustion and how horrific nursing school can be, especially emotionally.
I had an instructor caution us to not have significant others during the program. That was a little late for me as I had already been with my g/f for nearly 3 years (plus a house and other ties that bind) by the time things were kicking off so that wasn't a consideration for me. However, if I was single, I think it would sometimes be easier. I would have more time to study and not have to worry about being a messy disorganized slob without it impacting someone else. No family obligations. Complete solitude and serenity. She, however, is in a similarly stressful career and for both of us, there is a lot of emotional shutdown. This has not been great for our relationship.
If she is already stressed out and getting distant, let her go. Don't let it start marring the relationship. When things smooth out and she is less preoccupied and stressed, then maybe try again. You won't have the oft-weakening emotional breakdowns that you won't have a clue of how to handle. You won't be able to help her and it's going to hurt you, too. She'll just want to be more distant and it's not fair to either of you to go through that. And, if she decides to call it quits because she just can't take it, then how much worse is that going to be breaking up with someone in the middle of all of that? It sucks. It's an extreme distraction. It's just no good.
I'm sorry to be so grim but that is the reality. Nursing school is hard and a 5 month relationship is just not incentive enough to try and devote any real time to.
It sounds to me like she is exerting control over her life in the only area left for her to have any influence over, honestly. That is perfectly normal but it can be detrimental at times. She may very well just be feeling panicked at this point and views it as a necessary evil in order to cope.
I can tell that you love her very much and that this is not the way to go for you, so I think you should stick around while respecting the boundaries that she puts in place. When she sees for herself that she can focus on school and still have your support with enough room to breathe, how can she want you to go?
If she still pushes you after you selflessly sit back and wait for her to come to you as she sees fit, and you give your energy to her for support and nurturing, then she doesn't really want you that badly. I'd be infatuated with my So if they did something that difficult and selfless.
You know her and she knows you; it will work itself out in time. Best of luck to the both of you. It's going to be a tough journey! I just went through it with my partner of 4 years and I had to hold her together a times. But, hey, what would she have done without the added emotional support?
I dont see any reason to break up unless she just doesn't want to put in the extra effort. I love having my boyfriend around. He finds nursing material interesting so I explain things to him and that really helps me learn and understand the material better. Plus it's someone to vent to and someone to provide emotional support on those bad days.
Honestly, I think it's an exaggeration when people say you cant have a life in nursing school. I have plenty of time for myself and my relationship and I do something like a movie night or cooking a special meal every weekend. I see my friends and family plenty and I make all as and bs.
My wife and I survived me going through school and her going through nursing school. At the same time. In different programs. With horribly opposite schedules. It boils down to this. You can either do it or not. Its up to you guys. If you both try and respect the needs of each other then its no problem.
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NurseGirl525, ASN, RN
3,663 Posts
I'm 39, a single mom, and starting my third semester in August. I've had my boyfriend for 4 months now. He lives over an hour away from me and we make it work. It's all about balance. My boyfriend is my rock. He is there for me when I have good days and bad. He never pressures me for more than I can give at that moment. A couple of weeks ago I had all of my end of the semester stuff due. Finals, care plans, projects to get done, we didn't see each other for almost 2 weeks. That was ok with him. He said he didn't want to mess up my school stuff for me and I appreciated that. Now that I am on summer break I am definitely devoting tons more time to him.
We do though, text each other first thing in the morning and last thing before we go to bed. We talk on the phone at least once a day and I make sure that I go to him on the weekends I don't have my son. I do not study 24/7. I put lots of my study time in during the day when he works and days I don't have school. I also make sure he knows he is a priority in my life but he understands that sometimes I just have to study. Some nights he would come up and play with my son and take care of dinner when he knew I had big tests that week, which I thought was super sweet.
Since we live an hour apart, we are just taking it one day at a time. We are not making any plans for the future right now. We are waiting until I graduate. So if everything works out, we should be looking at moving forward about a year from now.