Best way to ask out a patient

[bossfrog]

Okay, I know many are about to jump on here and say, "NO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!" but first, hear me out.

First, let me be clear that I have NOT acted unprofessionally in any way in this situation. Now, let me give you the scenario:

I'm a 24 yo single male staff nurse in my third year. For the last 4 days, I've been caring for a 20 yo female patient with viral pneumonia. She expressed to me that she was feeling very alone because she's a college student and her parents live more than 1000 miles away and she has no family in the area.

So, naturally, I made a point as part of her care plan to visit her whenever possible so that she might not feel so alone. Well, she clearly likes to talk. I would pretty much simply say hello and ask how she's feeling and she just talks and talks, even with the pneumonia! I actually haven't disclosed a whole lot about myself, certainly no more than I would to any other patient, but in my conversations with her, it is absolutely amazing how much she and I have in common. She has the most infectious smile.

In the last two days, it's becoming apparent that she may have a similar interest in me. A couple other nurses on my wing have told me that she's been asking when I'll be around. Also yesterday she felt the need to tell me about her past relationships with guys and how they never seemed to care much about anything but themselves and how she hasn't dated anyone since last winter.... you know, the typical "Hey, I'm available, hint, hint" discussion. I'm about 80% sure that she's hoping I'll ask her out just by the hints she's dropping.

Now before I go further, let me make it known that yes, I've had several other young female patients before, a couple of whom I must admit were probably more attractive than this young lady. And yes, I know about the concept of transference. And I'm experienced enough to understand and feel the typical nurse/patient connection that develops. This isn't that.

Now, back on track. I have NEVER expressed these feelings toward her in any overt way, or even to my co-workers. I have not given her undue time that I wouldn't give to another patient. She doesn't even know for sure that I'm single, unless another nurse has told her that, which I doubt.

I've decided that if all possible, I'd like to ask this girl out AFTER she is discharged either Friday or Saturday, but I'm not sure what my options are. I could either say in my last visit with her, that it would be nice to talk to her again some time, but I don't think that's the right approach. Should I talk it over with our ethics adviser? She's very busy and that just doesn't seem like the right way to go either. Writing down her phone number from her records and calling her after discharge certainly wouldn't be ethical.

Another possibility is that I am most likely to be the one to wheel her to the exit on her discharge. Perhaps that might be the right time to speak to her briefly about possibly getting together for coffee or something, because as soon as she gets out of that chair, she's technically not my patient anymore. The last possibility is to not say anything and instead look her up at her school some time next week. That might be the best option.

I just don't want to be thinking back saying "what-if" 20 years from now. You just don't get a lot of chances at happiness and after dating plenty of girls, I just have a strong feeling she might be the one for me. Either way, I've got to find out. Thanks for reading.

[Straydandelion]

I agree with most other posters, give it some time outside the hospital setting before trying to meet. At the very least, she also knows where you work and can find you...lots of patients when well go to visit and take candy etc. to the floor that helped them.

[GilaRRT]

Get your flame throwers out boys and girls. I say no. This is a potential recipe for disaster. You have been taking care of her for 4 days. Obviously, she has some complex health care issues. She is young, alone, in a scary foreign environment, and appears to be in a new and stressful environment outside of the hospital. She told you things under the assumption she was talking to a professional health care provider.

Dating somebody in this position is not a good idea IMHO. She is most likely in a rough position and like many patients is reaching out for comfort and compassion. We can provide comfort as nurses; however, once we cross that line, we are no longer being helpful and potentially taking advantage of somebody who is vulnerable.

[ToxicShock]

This may be silly, but does she have a MySpace? You may want to do a little lurking there before you do anything. Its funny how much info you can get about a person from their page! Unless it's private...

I'm not sure if you should persue her or not. I would wager to say that if she doesn't ask YOU out, she may not be interested. Why? Well, for one, she seems like a smart girl. I'm sure she knows all about dr/pt privlege and she probably knows that the chances of you asking her out are slim to none, b/c of this.

Either way, interesting situation. I wish you luck!!

[mondkmondk]

This is really romantic...I say go for it. I met my current hubby where we both worked, so not exact same story. I was his boss and still am....LOL...even though neither of us work together any more.

Keep us posted.

This soap opera should have a name: Maybe: Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown? Heehee..j/k

Blessings, Michelle

[Sandwitch883RN]

Well one thing's for sure...she knows where you work. If she's interested maybe she'll be the one to find you. I do agree with other posters to tread lightly because she may see you as a confidant in her time of need and that relationship ends with her stay. Who knows...maybe this will end up being a story you tell your kids!.......lol...just keep it in perspective for what it is at this point.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I have to agree that this is a young, impressionable girl who is in a stressful situation. I certainly don't get bad vibes from the OP - he sounds like a decent guy. Just don't think its right as it will have the appearance of taking advantage of a bad situation.

I think pts are off-limits unless you knew them already before they became your pt.

[Noryn]

On one hand this could be your soul mate, on the other hand this could put your job and license (somewhat) at risk. My opinion is that you have already crossed the boundaries because you are developing further feelings for this patient and it sounds as if she is doing the same. The problem is that you are in a position of power and trust at a time when she is vulnerable. As soon as you felt these feelings, I would have recommended you quit taking care of this patient.

I hope everything works out great for you but if you are in the relationship and it ends bad, she can put you in a very bad place. Boards of nursing typically frown on this, although it happens rather often. I definitely would not ask her out this week.

It may not be what you want to hear, but my honest advice to you. We are all human.

[chevyv, BSN, RN]

I agree with most posters, tell her you might run into her at the Y or DQ and check out her response. As long as your role as a nurse is over, then I see no reason not to be approachable. Good luck and keep us posted.

:loveya:

[lunden]

i kind of agree with some of the above posts. when you're in the hospital one can tend to be very vulnerable. i mean she can't go anywhere for the time being, so she may seem like someone to go out with, because she's all listening and of course she's right there when u go 2 her room, u don't have 2 go looking 4 her. but what's gonna happen n the real world when she doesn't "need" u anymore? just some more food 4 thought. besides, reading your post u don't sound like u r "wanting" 4 nothing n the dating field.:nuke:

[jenrn6282]

let her get discharged, then accidentally run into her while working out at the YMCA.....hmm....and after working out a little ice cream ia a good start...but i would def wait for her discharge

BUT Let us know i want to know how it works out!

[GilaRRT]

I am rather concerned so many people see this as romantic and cute. We are talking about engaging in actions that can potentially take advantage of our patients vulnerabilities.

I agree, distance yourself from this patient. You cease to be an effective professional caregiver once you develop personal romantic feelings for a patient.

You both are adults and are free to make adult decisions. However, expect adult consequences when you make adult decisions. This could end quite badly for both you and the said patient.

[Atheos]

I am rather concerned so many people see this as romantic and cute. We are talking about engaging in actions that can potentially take advantage of our patients vulnerabilities.

I'd imagine if after time has passed and she is better and reciprocates his tentative advance that everything would be kosher.

If it's not kosher I'm sure she will let it be known.