Becoming a Working Nurse Mom

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Specializes in Trauma/Surgery ICU.

This is a post about motherhood, or maybe about being a working mom, or maybe about changing my nursing career to fit the needs of my family and me. Maybe it's a post about everything, about how lots of things in life get intertwined in strange and complicated ways and you're left with a beautiful tangled mess. Whatever this post is or isn't, it's my attempt at explaining how I came to a very important decision but also about all the decisions that are yet to be determined.

I always assumed that by the time I had a baby, I would have my life "figured out". My career dreams would have been achieved or at least defined, my desires solidified into quantifiable, attainable goals, and I would be content in my life experiences. I would be set in my career, my dreams would spin to be centered on my family and I would happily retire to stay-at-home-motherhood for the season while I had young children. These assumptions are not bad, in fact, I think they are of the most honorable sort.

I always thought of the days of babies as a future event, one that never got too close to me, even when we started having theoretical conversations about theoretical children. I think I got the previous assumptions and inclinations from a million different sources like my own family, society and the culture at my work. But I believed a lie in the midst of those assumptions: the lie that once we get to a certain stage, we will be that glorious future version of ourselves who has it all worked out perfectly.

Instead, as I sit here marveling at this kicking child, I find myself more upended than ever about who I should be, what I should do, and how I should do it. After all those visions of my future composed self, ironically I'm still the same sporadic self, one who is having to sift through all my new roles and come to a new definition of who I am and what I want. All I know for certain is that I want to take care of my husband and this child, and that I'm not ready to give up working entirely. I feel called to do both.

Now before I get into the gigantic question of whether mothers should or shouldn't work outside the home, hear me clearly when I say that I believe that decision is unique to each individual. Out of all the debates that I've heard during this pregnancy, this one is the most fiercely argued and defended (except possibly the epidural question), sometimes provoking advice that I didn't ask for or want. After talking with other moms, reading books and articles, reading the Bible and thinking long and hard, I've determined that the dilemma of "to work or not to work" outside the home doesn't have a straight answer and if you've had to determine this for yourself, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Besides desire or conviction, mothers often have to take into consideration a million other factors like finances, childcare, health of yourself and/or baby, and time. I don't think any mother takes it lightly and certainly no one deserves condemnation regardless of whether or not their choice lines up with your personal conviction. In the end, you follow the path that you believe will benefit your family the most. You make hard choices, whether that hard choice is to give up work or to stay, and trust that you're doing your best with the information you have.

In my case, I couldn't rest on either side of the debate. On one hand, I always thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom and honestly surprised myself that I wanted to continue working to some extent, to continue to build my career as a nurse. For as much drama as I deal with, I love my job working with families in the ICU. It's opened up whole new dimensions of the realms of customer service, ethics, end-of-life decisions and coping mechanisms. I understand how to deal with people in different ways, how to communicate difficult issues, and how to process through my own emotions in a productive way. My job has stretched me and taught me and I'm sad to let it go. I've mourned the loss to a certain degree.

On the other hand, I've worked full time in the ICU for six years now and it seems like this is a good time for a break. Very soon I will be leaving my full time position working with families in the ICU and will be working part time solely as a staff/charge nurse again. Thankfully, my job provides flexibility that many others don't and we have family members who have graciously and eagerly offered to keep this child on days when my husband and I are gone. Thankfully, financially we had the room to consider a part-time schedule and my husband is overwhelmingly supportive for either route. Thankfully, nursing has opened many doors that women in the corporate world or other professions don't have as options.

Believe me that I did not take this decision lightly, in fact I probably worried about it more than I considered it, even before I got pregnant. I ruminated over whether this child would be damaged by my absence for hours during the week, whether I would regret missing those fleeting moments, and whether this change seemed like a good fit for our family at the time. In the end, I had to pray and trust that after seeking the wise counsel of others and having endless conversations with Seth, that I had to move forward with my conviction to have a little bit of both- some time at work and the majority of my time with baby.

But my angst over life decisions doesn't stop at the working controversy. Honestly, I wish it did. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have so many other desires that tug on my heart like cooking, writing, and even going back to school to become a nurse practitioner. Fortunately, those dreams don't hold an expiration date based on age, like becoming a football player or a ballerina. Those particular goals quickly dwindle if you get past your teen years without any solid evidence of your athletic genius. But dreams like writing a book never expire. And each time I sit down to write my thoughts, I only improve my skills and vocabulary. Every book I read gets me one step closer to understanding how to put words and phrases together. Every recipe I make gives me more expertise into how to turn ingredients into food. Every shift I work as a nurse gets me more experience that will go towards an advanced degree one day. Unknowingly, I'm working towards those deep desires of mine on a daily basis as I go about my routines.

One of my coworkers, with several decades of wisdom more than me, made a passing comment to me that I haven't been able to forget. She said no one figures out their life until their thirties. She wasn't trying to insult me by saying this (I'm 27), she meant it as an encouragement. Hearing this provided an overwhelming wave of relief but I also think her statement applies on an even broader level that's not constrained by years. I think you never really have it all figured out, although you would like people to think you do. Maybe some lucky individuals feel completely oriented all the time, but I would venture to say that most experience seasons of wavering desires and undulating goals. But her nugget of truth proved extremely thought-provoking and has given me the freedom to feel like I can still try and fail and change directions.

So I'm taking a shaky step away from what I know and moving towards new adventures, some consisting of diapers and baby snuggles and some yet to be fleshed out. Nursing is an excellent career with versatility and flexibility not available in many other jobs and I know no matter what other interests I take on, I'll always be a nurse. It's a part of who I am; it's how I see the world. And now I get to take my profession into a new phase of life and see what exciting prospects emerge with a stethoscope in one hand and a baby in the other.

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Specializes in critical care, ER,ICU, CVSURG, CCU.

your point is can you be a good nurse and parent......

?

that is what I get when I trim verbage

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Without getting into the details of my personal life and how my decisions were made, I will say that I loved my work before and after being a SAHM, and that work actually came/comes easier than being a SAHM, but like you I had the luxury of choice and spending those years with my kids did not prevent me from returning to my career. The two best choices I made in life was going to nursing school and taking advantage of those years home with my little ones. I had both, I had it all. You'll figure it out.

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Both is doable. it is all abut balance and individual preferences. I prefer to be full time mom and work parttime as a nurse.

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I really thought that I would be the picture perfect SAHM, but I soon discovered that as much as I love my kids, my job, whatever it may be, helps me keep my sanity and a sense of self (I'm not mommy/wife 24/7). After baby #1 I was a SAHM for 4 months, finances forced me to go back to work but once I was I realized I missed it. Unfortunately work was getting to be much too consuming and after 4 months it just wasn't working. I was a SAHM mom for another 4 months on unemployment and then went back to work p/t doing something else. After baby #2 I was let go due to not having maternity leave, and I was a stay at home mom for 8 months. When I enrolled in school I could not wait, because as much as I love cooking and sewing (but not cleaning lol) I needed to find ME again. So here I am waiting for my last semester of prerequisites to start, waiting for my acceptance /denial letter into my ADN program. As much as I love being with my kids, I don't think I'll ever truly enjoy being just a SAHM, I like having something else to balance that with, and I feel like it helps me appreciate the time I have with my girls more. It is as prnqday says, all about preference and balance.

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Specializes in SICU, trauma, neuro.

It's funny, I had my first child on my 23rd birthday while in nursing school. For years, all I wanted was to be a SAHM, but I made more than my husband did and we just couldn't afford it. My husband's income has gone up significantly in the past couple of years (about 4.5x what I make), and after having my last one (5th!) he asked if I wanted to stay home... and I started to cry. I told him, "If it were any other job I'd do it in a second...but I. just. can't. I can't leave."

I happily went part-time, but I couldn't leave. I am grateful for the flexibility nursing provides, though! Moms in so many other careers have to make the choice: work FT or be a SAHM. We get to have the best of both worlds! :)

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Sewing? No way lol.

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Specializes in hospice.
no one figures out their life until their thirties

Oh crap, I am SO behind then. I had my first baby just shy of my 23rd birthday, a year after earning a bachelor's degree that I have never used for paid employment. (It's a social science, so not exactly a shocker.) I was a SAHM and military wife for almost 15 years and added four more babies. Then, after getting deployed to Afghanistan, the hubs decided he wanted out of the military for good. For the first time, he needed my help to support the family. So I looked around and figured out that becoming a CNA was quick, cheap, and likely to yield job opportunities. I work night shift, three 12s a week, so that I can still do a lot of the SAHM things, like go to most games/meets, cook dinner and serve it at the family table most of the time, help with homework, etc. and when I am not around, Dad is home from work (M-F 8-4) and available.

I've been a CNA for three years and start LPN school this week. I'll turn 40 in April and will watch my oldest graduate from high school this May. And I don't feel like I have ANYTHING figured out! I'm not even sure I'll stick with nursing long term, or just until I get the kids up and out. I like hospice and can see myself staying with it, but there's another part of me dying to be a midwife. And then there are even older dreams, that have me running for political office.

But, since I am hoping to live to at least 120....maybe I'll just do all of it! ;)

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Specializes in ICU.

I got married at the age of 23. My ex-husband and I both worked. He was a heating and air man and me in retail management. We had nothing when we got married. For six years we worked our butts off. We decided we wanted a child and I fell pregnant almost immediately when I was 29. I never thought that would happen seeing as how I have PCOS and Endo. When our son was born, I was 30 and decided to become a SAHM. My ex-husband and I agreed that it was best for us. He decided to start his own business after our son was born and I supported him in that and off he went to build his business. He now has the most successful heating and air business in our area. He wanted me to continue to stay home. I think it was a source of pride to him that he could take care of his family by himself.

When my son started school full time when he was five, I found myself here alone all day long. It was like a noose tightening around my neck. I felt trapped in this house. My ex-husband wanted this house spotless now and dinner on the table when he got home. I started to feel like a servent. I don't say maid, because they get paid to cook and clean. I did not and it was a thankless job. I became restless and unhappy and my marriage deteriorated because what he wanted, I couldn't give.

On the outside to everyone looking in I had the perfect life. I owned 2 homes, no job, and people thought I could whatever I wanted, when I wanted. That was not true. I wanted to work, I wanted to be me again. So, I filed for divorce and signed up for school in the same week. I am extremely happy now. I wouldn't trade my life for anything now.

I loved being a SAHM with my son for his first years of life. Loved it. I wouldn't change a thing. But while I am a mom, it's not all I am. I am much more than that. There are many other women in my nursing cohort that are the same exact way. All started as SAHMs but when it was time for the kids to start school, then what do we do? I think you still have so much to give because we are after all still in our 30's.

I agree you don't have your life figured out in your 20's. A friend of mine and I were talking about this last night. We were so stupid in our 20's. Now in our 30's we are more comfortable in who we are and our different roles as women. You have to do what makes YOU happy. You are the only one living your life. :up:

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Specializes in Cardiology, Cardiothoracic Surgical.

Do you remember the old adage? "God laughs when you make plans." :) Just take to heart that life rarely works out the way it's expected. You can still achieve your bucket list of dreams, but they may not happen in the exact order as anticipated. Most nurses I know work to support their families, and have carved out schedules that suit their needs. If you don't work full time, there's a plethora of options, especially if you have ICU experience: casual/per diem, agency, nights, weekends, school, clinic, working from home doing telephone triage or case management.

Many nurses' work schedules hinge on childcare, and its associated expenses. You may find it cheaper actually to work part time and stay home with your kids on those days, than to work full time and pay full childcare (obviously, if your family relies on your insurance and benefits, not really an option). Or, your husband could work part time as well.

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Specializes in cardiac/education.

Man, you got some deep thoughts!!! ;) Eh, don't sweat it, I'm approaching 40 and I don't have anything figured out either. One piece of advice though: I don't think you should leave entirely. You will most likely feel a hole. So, perfect world? PRN or POOL 2-4 times per month. The rest of your time will be devoted to your kids driving you crazy. :) Congrats, it's a wild ride!

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

I have always said, "you can have it all! But NOT ALL AT ONCE". That's about it. Priorities. Nobody has it "all figured out" at any stage of life that I met, including myself and my kids are nearly grown.

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