My husband does not want me in school - our youngest is still just almost two and he wants me at home with the kids (we also have an almost 7 and almost 5 y.o.). I've stayed at home until part-time school the last 2 years. Last year almost all of my school was online (hence at home), and this year I have been going 2 days/wk. About 1/2-3/4 of the time he watches the kids when I'm there. He does shift work so he is at home in the daytime more often than many people. That's actually one of the other reasons he doesn't want me in school, because we could be doing other things on his many days off, he feels like we're wasting the good part of his job - all the time off. I think it's mainly just that he doesn't want to watch the kids, because he never has. Even before school it was always a struggle if I wanted to go do something. So, I've told him I'd get a sitter, but he doesn't want them with a sitter any more than necessary either so he watches them but doesn't let me forget how miserable he is and how I'm making things so bad. He says the toddler cries all day (although my sitter doesn't have this problem). I think it's an exaggeration and however much is true is just because he sits around and just gets mad because he can't do what he's trying to do something non-kid-oriented, and the toddler is bored. He also doesn't do a single thing with the house - and I don't expect him to clean - BUT I mean he lets the kids COMPLETELY destroy the place like a hurricane went through every day that I'm at school. He also doesn't ever want me to go and do anything else besides school, since *school* is my 'hobby' now. And trying to do an assignment or study (which I'm super anal about my grades...)...is like pulling teeth, he pretty much expects me to do school without doing any work. Most of our friends' husbands *don't* keep their kids very often so it makes it an even harder argument (of course remembering that he doesn't want a sitter/daycare, either).
We also had a hard year relationship-wise for other unrelated reasons, we are hanging in there but it had us on the line for a little while. This year is our 10th anniversary and I don't think most people would imagine that we'd part in a million years (the stuff I was talking about was mostly a secret from everyone). I think he believes that I'll get this degree and leave him (even though I've told him that's not it, and it's not). I think that other stuff is mostly over now, but the school thing is a neverending battle that sometimes seems like it's at critical mass.
Part of the whole thing to me is money and being able to support myself and the kids if anything happened to him (he has a risky job but I don't have to work for us to be financially viable right now). I also just totally love nursing school. But I also know that he is totally miserable and I really feel like this is chipping away at our relationship, which has always been very very close and enviable, a soulmate-best friend type thing. I thought that going part-time would be a good compromise but it not working for him. I don't think I should have to quit, but I don't know if it's worth my marriage. He would probably be ok with me going back later, when all of the kids are in school, but sometimes you know how it goes when you lose that momentum? Plus, I just have to have a little something besides sitting at home with the kids all day, every day. Most the time is ok, but not every living hour. I have been pretty motivated until now, but I just don't know how long I can swim against the current, & the current is getting rougher. I thought I'd just stick to my guns and he'd 'get over it' but it ain't happening & neither one of us thinks we should have to give in. Even if I gave in and postponed school I'm not sure I could do it and not be resentful. What do you do when you just utterly disagree?
I have a real problem when it's called "babysitting" when a parent is with their own children. It's not.
It sounds like he needs to grow up, and realize that you are more than an extension of your children. You have to do stuff for yourself.
I was in a similar situation. My husband was not always supportive either. But his reasoning was much more stupid - that I was going "to find some doctor that would make me happy" - geez Louise - as if that wasn't something right out of a darn soap opera! But now he realizes this is MY dream, and as mother's, we are allowed to have them and act on them.
I'm sorry I have no words of advice, but please know there are others in your situation, and we're thinking of you! :)
HELLO, time to wake up and realize you are married to a insecure control freak !!! As you progress through nursing school you will become stronger and that is a threat to him. He has already expressed to you that you will leave him, so ask him "what are you doing for our relationship so I don't want to?" If you want to stay in a relationship where your needs, wants and hopes are not allowed that is up to you. I suggest you continue in school, get your nursing license and make a life for yourself and your children that you want. If he shapes up and you want to stay married that is ok too, it is your decision. But don't ever let anyone keep you from your dreams. As far as him watching his kids, EXCUSE me, what is "watching" you raise your children and so should he. There is no excuse for him to let the house get destroyed by the kids as if to show you, well if you were home it wouldn't happen. How dare him !!! Put the kiddos in daycare and carry on Babe, you probably already realize you will be much better off without him but only you can make that decision.
I'm so sorry that your husband is not supportive. At first, my husband thought
I was crazy for wanting to go back to school now with 2 small kids...but now he realizes that it's to make a better life for us and he's completely understanding.
I wish your husband could stop being selfish and realize that you are doing this not only for yourself but for the future well-being of your family too!.
My husband is for the most part very supportive. Every once in a while he makes a little comment about all the "young studs" at school. I just remind him that the young studs are looking at the pretty young girls, not this 30 year old wife and mother of three! He has noticed that since I have been back in school, I have more confidence and am a happier person in general.
men dont get mad but. When i decided to go to school I was working the graveyard shift and I would get off work go to school get out at 11:30 head home watch my daughter till she arrived then sleep. If I would have kept on that course I would have lost my marriage, so I got out of school and I regret every day that I didnt finish. School was for me, and I found that we have to sacrifice for the greater good of family. The world is coming apart at the seams because there is no family unity, and with divorce rates as high as they are, stick to family. Keep laywers broke.
I agree, it sounds like he is a selfish, insecure, control freak....
I feel a spouse should be there to support you. Wanting to better yourself is not being selfish.
Watching his own children is not babysitting...he needs to plug in and figure it out before you become stronger and realize you can do this (and will), with or without his support...it's his choice to get on board or not...
Specializes in Vents, Telemetry, Home Care, Home infusion.
I went back to LPN school after one year of marriage and heard "I'll never see you". He survived and teo years later telling me to back for BSN to get paid for what all I was doing- very supportive then. Thirteen years latter second son arrived "Who will watch two kids if you go back" 6 weeks after second child born, realized we existed because of my salary. We quickly realized we were in it together after kids and needed to parent TOGETHER to care for their needs. After 19 years of marriage, he learned how cook or to be responsible for dinner when I started evening shift posiiton.
Fast forward 15 more years: he's now partially disabled and can't be on feet more than 4 hours at a time due to work related injury. I now work FT, carry insurance, life, dental etc. If we hadn't decided that both parents needed to be able to work at decent paying job to support family, I'm sure we'd be close to welfare.
We've raised our sons with the viewpoint were in it TOGETHER as a family: parents work outside home for some needs, children help inside with chores and outside trash, grass, etc . Now teenagers, sons now praise their Dad for being there to provide care when young, sitting through sports practices, afterschool activities.
Sounds like a counseling session is needed here. Wishing you the strength to get this out into the open and come up with "best interest of family" decision.
Don't let him discourage you. If he lets the kids wreck the house then make the kids clean it back up. (a 7 yr old can start learning how to clean up his own messes). If there is an underlying trust issue going on with your hubby then maybe try to be extra reassuring about your commitment to him and your family. Impress upon him the benefits of you having a nice paying job. If he is just being a jerk for no reason then ignore his nonsense and set your future up for you and your children. THis means finishing your education. Too many women have been discouraged from working or going to school by their husbands/boyfriends only to be left high and dry later with no job experience or skills to support themselves when the husband decides he needs a change.
What's up w/ these men who don't want to "watch" the kids? When it's their own kids? Sounds like what they really don't want is to parent their kids, or to be bothered with anything that isn't all about them.
My husband does not want me in school - our youngest is still just almost two and he wants me at home with the kids (we also have an almost 7 and almost 5 y.o.). I've stayed at home until part-time school the last 2 years. Last year almost all of my school was online (hence at home), and this year I have been going 2 days/wk. About 1/2-3/4 of the time he watches the kids when I'm there. He does shift work so he is at home in the daytime more often than many people. That's actually one of the other reasons he doesn't want me in school, because we could be doing other things on his many days off, he feels like we're wasting the good part of his job - all the time off. I think it's mainly just that he doesn't want to watch the kids, because he never has. Even before school it was always a struggle if I wanted to go do something. So, I've told him I'd get a sitter, but he doesn't want them with a sitter any more than necessary either so he watches them but doesn't let me forget how miserable he is and how I'm making things so bad. He says the toddler cries all day (although my sitter doesn't have this problem). I think it's an exaggeration and however much is true is just because he sits around and just gets mad because he can't do what he's trying to do something non-kid-oriented, and the toddler is bored. He also doesn't do a single thing with the house - and I don't expect him to clean - BUT I mean he lets the kids COMPLETELY destroy the place like a hurricane went through every day that I'm at school. He also doesn't ever want me to go and do anything else besides school, since *school* is my 'hobby' now. And trying to do an assignment or study (which I'm super anal about my grades...)...is like pulling teeth, he pretty much expects me to do school without doing any work. Most of our friends' husbands *don't* keep their kids very often so it makes it an even harder argument (of course remembering that he doesn't want a sitter/daycare, either).
We also had a hard year relationship-wise for other unrelated reasons, we are hanging in there but it had us on the line for a little while. This year is our 10th anniversary and I don't think most people would imagine that we'd part in a million years (the stuff I was talking about was mostly a secret from everyone). I think he believes that I'll get this degree and leave him (even though I've told him that's not it, and it's not). I think that other stuff is mostly over now, but the school thing is a neverending battle that sometimes seems like it's at critical mass.
Part of the whole thing to me is money and being able to support myself and the kids if anything happened to him (he has a risky job but I don't have to work for us to be financially viable right now). I also just totally love nursing school. But I also know that he is totally miserable and I really feel like this is chipping away at our relationship, which has always been very very close and enviable, a soulmate-best friend type thing. I thought that going part-time would be a good compromise but it not working for him. I don't think I should have to quit, but I don't know if it's worth my marriage. He would probably be ok with me going back later, when all of the kids are in school, but sometimes you know how it goes when you lose that momentum? Plus, I just have to have a little something besides sitting at home with the kids all day, every day. Most the time is ok, but not every living hour. I have been pretty motivated until now, but I just don't know how long I can swim against the current, & the current is getting rougher. I thought I'd just stick to my guns and he'd 'get over it' but it ain't happening & neither one of us thinks we should have to give in. Even if I gave in and postponed school I'm not sure I could do it and not be resentful. What do you do when you just utterly disagree?
It sounds like he wants to keep control of you and has insecurities.... The only advice I can offer is go with your gut on this one. You have to be happy with yourself as an individual as well as a mother and a wife. If you give up on what makes you feel good, your desires, needs, etc how can you be the absolute best for your kids and hubby. I feel selfish sometimes when I take my free time and nurture my own soul, but if I dont it shows in my parenting and stresses my marriage. I am blessed with a husband that understands that. ....but we drew those lines when we were first married so it wasnt a big shock to him.
Good luck and I hope you find happiness together. MARRIAGE IS SOOOO HARD!
My husband is for the most part very supportive. Every once in a while he makes a little comment about all the "young studs" at school. I just remind him that the young studs are looking at the pretty young girls, not this 30 year old wife and mother of three! He has noticed that since I have been back in school, I have more confidence and am a happier person in general.
oh, but dont you just with that sometimes those "young studs" are looking at us older gals..... I would consider a 30 year old a "young stud" though!!!!!:rotfl:
RedSox33RN
1,483 Posts
I'm so sorry for your situation.
I have a real problem when it's called "babysitting" when a parent is with their own children. It's not.
It sounds like he needs to grow up, and realize that you are more than an extension of your children. You have to do stuff for yourself.
I was in a similar situation. My husband was not always supportive either. But his reasoning was much more stupid - that I was going "to find some doctor that would make me happy" - geez Louise - as if that wasn't something right out of a darn soap opera! But now he realizes this is MY dream, and as mother's, we are allowed to have them and act on them.
I'm sorry I have no words of advice, but please know there are others in your situation, and we're thinking of you! :)