Alternative to spanking

[HeartsOpenWide]

I had very lax parents myself. I can remember being spanked once in my entire life. I got grounded a few times once I reached high school and for good reasons, but other than that I didn't really receive discipline much from my parents. My husbands family on the other hand is in favor of spanking; at one point I though I was too but am now against it...but still have to stifle laughs when I hear a parent say, "use your words" to a kid throwing a tantrum; maybe because I am yet to see this work.

I am in Community Nursing this semester. The placement I am at has a brochure on why you should not spank. The brochure was very informative on why you should not spank but it lacked any information on alternative ways to correct behavior/discipline. I chose not to had this out because I felt the information was not complete. Not being a parent yet myself, I did not feel equip to give alternatives if asked once the brochure was read and the client found that no alternatives were included.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

[HeartsOpenWide, RN]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I was going to try and thank you individually but this is faster. Thanks to all that have replied so far:up:

[tolerantgirl]

I would say for the most part that spanking does not work. I was spanked as a child until the age of 15 with a belt by my father. He always did the spanking. In today's society, he could go to jail for that. It wasn't only 2 or 3 swats, it was repeated over and over on bare skin wherever the belt landed-on my legs, back, arms, hands(because the natural response is to protect yourself). The more I kicked my legs, the more he hit. I don't know of anyone who can keep still when they are being hit with a belt. This is how I was consistently disciplined until I turned 15. I am not sure why he quit, probaly because I was older and he felt more uncomfortable about holding a teenage girl down. I have a lot of anger towards him. I choose to not have a relationship with him. He abused me, plain and simple. When I had children of my own, I was at a lost on how to discipline and that has lead me to be laxed in my parenting style. I knew I did not want to discipline like my father because there is no way I could hurt my children in that manner. I want to protect them from harm. I want them to trust me. I want them to not be afraid of me. What my father accomplished was instillling fear in me. I was afraid. It has taken many years to realize that I did not deserve this. I was a good kid. I listened, did not get in trouble at school, but I made typical mistakes, like making a C in math or talking back sometimes. Kids misbehave, but spanking does not work. I really can not remember why I ever received the spankings I got, but I do remember the fear and the look on his face-a look of rage and hate. I am ok now because I know that I am a good person and I know that what he did was wrong, but I don't forgive him. I choose not to see him because he thinks he is always right and he has never apologized for his actions. And I don't want him around my children. He once took his belt off around his waste and threatened to spank my 3 year old because he was running in the living room. I told him if he touched him, I would call the police and press charges. Anyways, there are better ways to discipline, take things away, ground them to the house-you will be miserable too but it is effective and nonviolent and nonthreatening.

[twistedpupchaser]

As a kid I got the belt, electrical cord, feather duster or whatever else was handy, (funny though it was never anything soft) and I knew that this was the consequence. My kids on the other hand got a rolled up newspaper on the nappy, loud but not painfull with a stern NO! As they got older the punishments changed with their cognitive abilities. Time out, withdrawal of priviliges and confiscation of toys became more common.

My wife and I have found that a fast wit is often a great tool, one night on the way to Mc Donalds the kids started in the car and were threatened with Vegemite on toast if the behaviour did not improve. They continued to play up so we had Micky D's and the kids had Vegemite on toast. Make sure that you are consistant and mean what you say and the kids know where they stand and what the boundaries are.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

Your father sounds horrible, tolerantgirl, worse than mine even. He was an abuser.

[hikernurse]

Heh, Twisted. My kids don't know what vegemite is, so that might actually be a pretty good threat! Anything that starts out with "vege" can't be that good, they would reason.

I don't spank my kids. If I'm not angry, then I can come up with something that feels better to me and if I am angry, then I don't dare start swinging at small children. I do appreciate the dads standing up to kids who speak inappropriately to their moms. Way to go :).

As far as alternative discipline measures go, removing the child away from the situation works pretty decently. If one doesn't stop mouthing off at dinner, then dinner is not the place to be and they will soon find their food down the sink. If brothers and sisters are fighting, they are sent to their rooms until together, they can bring me a plan to get along better, etc.

I know there are differing opinions on sending kids to rooms--that's where all their toys are, for goodness sake--but the point isn't to penalize them as much as it is to teach them to recognize the need to step away from a situation.

A counter-intuitive approach that is actually pretty effective is get quieter as they get louder. A passive face can also be extremely effective. A lot of trouble is caused to get a rise out of parents and if mom's not reacting, then what's the point in continuing.

You should really be asking people without children, though, they still have all the answers .

[EarthChild1130]

I was spanked a few times by my mom, and she smacked my face once when I told her to shut up (I was 16 and totally deserved it LOL) but for the most part she was a talker and taught me the same thing...

We now have guardianship of our 12 year old niece and she has been both verbally and physically abused by her mom and somehow, in spite of it ALL, is a great kid, your typical pre-teen...sometimes her hormones and her mouth get away from her...and I always tell her 'You can feel any ol' way you want but yelling, screaming, and being rude is NOT acceptable. If you can't calmly talk to me, then you go to your room to think about what you'd like for me to know.' Then I walk away and refuse to engage in the conversation until she's calmer. I usually will remove privileges such as computer, mp3 player, no going to a friend's, no pool visits, no bowling, etc...I will also take money from her allowance, and she did lose permanent custody of her cell phone for using it to concoct an elaborate lie LOL.

Once she did try slamming a door, and I followed her to her room, and very calmly told her 'I understand that you are angry right now, but if you slam that door again you lose your right to privacy'.

I am a big believer in positive reinforcement rather than negative...I try my best to reward the positives and correct the negative...and I too have been known to turn the car around in the middle of a trip if she can't control her behavior...I have also been known to leave her behind when it was time to go bowling, because she couldn't control her behavior (hey, just because she got in trouble doesn't mean I can't go...just means SHE can't go...now THAT was very effective!)

She's a great kid, and we usually only have trouble once or twice a month! (gee that sounds like a lot when I type it out! haha)

[nurse_mo1986]

Plain and simple-spare the rod, spoil the child. My parents spanked my siblings and I growing up. And while as a kid, I accused them of being "mean", they weren't. They just loved us. Now, my brother and I both appreciate our parents for being there, and giving us limits. Kids today have NO respect sometimes, and I think "oh my god." Anyways, to the point, I think it depends on the kid, but yes, sometimes a child needs to be spanked.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

Some people are very successful raising kids without spanking.

Kids need discipline, for sure. Many parents today are too indulgent, that is certainly a trend.

I personally believe spanking can have a place in a discipline plan, but think it is better for very small, unreasonable pre-schoolers, and should be used extremely judiciously.

Unfortunately, many people spank when they're at the end of their rope, are tired, and become angry at their defiant and exasperating child. I've done that myself, but I don't think it's ultimately very effective.

[CdaleJekyll]

Taking something away that they aren't using right or aren't being "nice" to. Ds bopped Grandma in the back of the head and then wanted to play with her. No way! You can't be with Grandma until you're nice to her. That hurts her.

I'm trying to imagine how you explained to Grandma why she was being taken away.:chuckle

[honey75]

Im with Christie, I use the naughty step. A smack is no big deal to my kids and Im not a big believer in smacking. Even the mention of "go to the naughty step" has my kids in tears and is a great deterent.

[lpnflorida]

I use to use time out periods when my daughter was young. Depending on her age or the offense is what determined how long she had to sit quietly in her chair.

Did she ever get spanked , yes. However I felt it was ineffective as it more allowed her then to focus on being angry at us for the spanking rather than sitting quietly thinking about why she had to sit doing nothing.

[J9G2008]

This reminds me: the hospital where my son gets care has a sign up saying "This Is A No-Hitting Zone!" I looked at the nurse and asked, "So, if my kid really ****** me off, can you direct me to the Hitting Zone?"

Thankfully, they understand my sense of humor.

I do, however, swat my kids on the behind on a PRN basis. It hits its peak around 3-4 y.o, now that my kids are older it almost never happens.