All the Things We Carry

[Elvish]

Every so often, a thread pops up around here: "What's in your pockets?" In other words, what do you carry that you know you'll need before your shift is up? Most of us carry alcohol swabs (never enough of those), penlights, probably a syringe or two, some 2x2s, tape, and it's a running joke on my unit that real nurses carry hemostats.

And heaven help the soul who arrives at the end of shift and can't find her brain sheet. That's painful in a way only a nurse can understand.

Not too long ago I stopped to help at the scene of a vehicular accident as I was driving into work. Looking at the single car involved, it was a miracle anyone survived, much less had a patent airway. One of the other first responders had gloves for us but PPE can be a bit limited when you're standing in the middle of a highway. Back to the point, I got back in my car and got to work a little late; as I was driving in, I noticed a smear of blood up my arm that wasn't mine. Not ideal, but it happens.

I got to work, gave everything a good scrub, and got thinking.

All these things I've mentioned are visible things we nurses carry with us, sometimes permanently and others not. But we carry so much with us that no one will ever see or know about. It's usually a mix of (to quote a classic movie) the good, the bad, and the ugly.

What do I carry?

I carry with me the tears of a father that he cried over his baby who never had a chance to take his first breath. The baby they'd tried for four years to have.

I carry with me the woman who had lived with domestic violence for over two decades, her arms covered in scars from shielding herself as he attempted to stab her to death. "No matter where I go, he will find me and kill me," she said.

I carry the gratitude of a twenty-something man who had what was then called 'full-blown AIDS' and still being written off by too many as a 'gay plague' and other nonsense. He was dying and he knew it, suffering from horrible neuropathy and on amounts of morphine that would knock everyone I know into the next world. It barely touched his pain. No one ever came to see him. I'm not sure which hurt him worse. We bonded over the course of several days and he mentioned in passing that he was really craving a Butterfinger. Hospital policy dictated that we weren't supposed to bring food to patients, but I pretended not to know that when I got a couple of Butterfingers from the gift shop (yes, he was still on a regular diet). The look on his face when I snuck them into him.....I can still see it. He died a couple of weeks later.

There are the twin daughters of a patient who was with us for months before she died. I remember their names and faces. They were never anything but kind and grateful for the care their mother received, even when they had their grief over her impending death to smack them in the face every day.

I carry the exhilaration and happy tears shed when men and women become fathers and mothers. The delight that overtakes a new mom when her baby looks at her like he's known her forever, or a daddy when a contented baby falls asleep on his chest, is something that can't be bought.

What about you? What do you carry?

[elixRN, BSN, RN]

These are all so powerful. Thank you for sharing.

It is inspiring to see such strength in nurses... And you all make me proud to be one!

[rnbabyzoo]

I carry the necessary tools of a mother/baby nurse with all the love from parent and others who abandon their drug addicted baby

I carry the hope of a mother trying to feed her child with severe cleft lip/palate for the first time after surgery.

I carry being the nurse that baths the stillborn child to present to her parents for the first time.

I carry being the only adult with a 14 yr old that just delivered by csection,her crying because it hurts and not understanding that if she was keeping her child she needs to take care of her child and I would help her but it was her job in the end

We all carry memories of our chosen profession that will guide us in everything we do, thats what keeps us whole

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

So many more.

But primarily, I carry the memory of my 13 year old son, body decimated by pneumonia post bone marrow transplant. I will never forget his solemn, adult-like instructions not to keep his body artificially alive if he could not truly live. I will never forget asking him, as he struggled to breathe, if he were afraid and he quietly told me "no". I'll never forget the awful decision to allow the ventilator and never forget the horror of the decision that had to be made three weeks later. I will never forget my inability to continuing singing to him as the machines were turned off, my weak inability to keep my hand on his chest and feel his erratic, fluttering heartbeat fade and then stop. I will never forget how his courage changed me and propelled me into the reality I now live, keeping his experience close to me, anonymously and with inner hope fueling my ability to help others in their dark hours of fear and illness until my life is done. His cancer journey was the most difficult thing I have ever done. When being a nurse gets hard, I remember him. It is good to have a personal reason to push through the foibles and nonsense our medical system can be.

I carry the memory of so many things but they seem so small when compared to the strength and grace exemplified here....I am humbled and in awe. I am so sorry for your loss ((HUGS))

[aeris99]

My home bound client who I brought "picnics" to on Thursdays. We would eat salads and listen to books on tape. The day his house caught fire I heard it on the scanner. I called the fire dept because they didn't know he was home alone, trapped in his bed. They wouldn't let me in to ICU to see him but he was read my message right before he passed. I was the only person at his funeral.

My LTC resident who would sing to me. We share a birthday. One day he choked and somehow I was able to Heimlich him from behind his wheelchair. My charge nurse said I lifted him and the chair off the ground but I don't remember. He and his wife would watch old movies and nap together in his room. I'm glad they had those last few months together but I'll always wonder if maybe he didn't want to be saved.

Every hand I've held in the last few minutes. Every daughter, sister, grandchild and wife that I have been to those lost in the depths of dementia. Everyone of them has a place in my heart.

It's crazy to think of them now and realize that they are the reasons I'm becoming a nurse. Any bit of comfort or joy I can bring makes it all worth while. This thread makes me incredibly happy and sad all at once.

[annaotis]

I continue to hold to the memory of a sweet, funny 23 year old that cruised through his first BMT and was cruising 3/4 through his second one, only to die within days of sepsis. I carry with me having to call a local priest for last rights because he is far from family and friends who could not afford to be with him during his long hospitalization. He did not list his faith tradition in his chart, but having cared for him for months, I learned so much about him,including what his faith tradition was. No one else knew that. I carry with me the memory of his mother, whom I had never gotten to meet make a special trip to our hospital a year later while driving cross country) to meet me and thank me for all I did for her son. I did not know she knew anything about me. I still have the sweet letter she gave me.

[TeeKay12]

I carry the smile given me by the confused elderly woman, who only wanted me to hold her hand and sing some 40's songs with her (thank goodness for my grandfather's love of recordings!). I carry the confusion of a family, trying to understand why their father/husband/son/brother had been "healthy" yesterday but today was battling for his life. I carry the tears of a "repeat customer" the morning I told her this had been my last shift and I was moving to another hospital. I carry the tears I shed when I heard she had died just 3 weeks later, and had asked for me a day or so before that.

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

Except for these words I'm typing here, I'm speechless, and in awe of all of you. Such amazing experiences!

[amygarside]

well written article. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[mamagui]

You brought tears to my eyes...very beautiful.

[Twinmom06, ASN, APN]

man - you guys are making my eyeballs sweat!

I carry with me the days as a student - one day spent in the NICU rocking a withdrawal baby for nearly 8 hours which freed up her nurse to take care of her other patients. This poor child was 4 weeks old and still at birth weight because she wouldn't eat but with enough rocking took 2 oz for me.

I carry the ICU patient I took care of twice a week for nearly 6 weeks - racked with myasthenia gravis and unable to breathe without the vent. at about week 2 they trached him, and by week 6 he was talking to us and starting to eat! His words of thanks for the 6 students in my group (we rotated taking care of him) was magic.

I carry the scar (literally) of a 90 year old WWII veteran that I had to place in restraints after anesthesia because he was trying to tear out the foley catheter of his newly repaired bladder. Sharp nails and tender forearms don't mix!

and Not.Done.Yet - I bow to your grace - and am so very sorry for your loss.

[That Guy, BSN, RN, EMT-B]

Only people in this field truly understand it too. My friends don't get it. I can come home and joke to them about how crazy things can be but there is the other side too that most will never know. This job has taken so much from me and left very dark spots in my soul that can't ever be fixed. The constant reminders of the horrible things I have done and seen.

[RunninOnCoffee]

Wow! These are all so powerful and amazing stories!

I carry the look of a 6 year old blond headed blue eyed boy that resembled my son quite remarkably when he asked me if I would call the house if his dad woke up knowing we were removing life support and donating organs in the next 24-48 hours.

I carry the tears of joy as a daughter hugged me after her Dad had just passed away after a long extensive painful disease. She said she wishes she could be there standing at the gates of heaven when her parents reunited after several years. Though she was sad, she wanted to see the look of love on their face that first time together again.

I carry the thankyous of the grateful patients that appreciate what I have done to make their days just a little brighter despite what they are going through.