Afraid of loosing my job

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Nov 22, 2014

I'm just afraid I'm on the verge of being let go because of what patients say about me or whatever else might happen.

My reply may come across as something pulled from thin air, but I think your issues may revolve around the chance that you might lack the likeability factor. Other than the missed order, I have the sneaking suspicion that something about your interactions may be off-putting to coworkers and patients.

Up until several years ago I had issues with interpersonal skills and rubbed coworkers the wrong way throughout my working career (from age 16 onward). I had no clue what was wrong until I was almost 30 years of age.

My best friend, who has worked with me at different workplaces, revealed to me about five years ago, "I now know why people don't like you. Coworkers like me because I play the game. I stroke people's feelings and get them to like me and do anything for me. I pretend to enjoy them and compliment them, even though they might smell awful or dress horribly. When people have a choice between a phony person and an honest person, they almost always pick the phony because most people do not handle the truth well. I'm the phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, so they don't like you as much."

I told her, "That seems like kissing ass. I cannot stoop to that low level, even if it means I never form good workplace relations like you." My friend simply shrugged smiled and blurted out, "It is what it is!"

My workplace problems disappeared almost overnight once I began playing the game. Playing the game encompasses a range of interpersonal skills, likeability, professionalism and charm. You must learn to play the game. You must project an image of yourself while at work and act as if you enjoy the company of demanding patients, annoying coworkers and unrealistic supervisors. If not, you'll continue to receive complaints.

As unfair as this may seem, coworkers who have the likeability factor are often forgiven for missing the occasional order, whereas everyone else will be punished. Coworkers who have the likeability factor are usually not reported by patients and colleagues for offenses such as "not helping" or "not smiling." My aforementioned friend is one of the laziest nurses in the universe and refuses to wipe butts, but people do not report her because they love her presence. This may seem unfair or not right, but life isn't fair.

Many years passed before I finally understood that we work with some pathetically lonely colleagues and clingy patients who yearn for validation on the job because they don't get it in their personal lives. So if you pretend that your patients absolutely light up your shift, you have validated them as people. If you act relieved that the patient care tech got to work safely even though you're secretly irritated that she is 20 minutes late, you have validated her existence. If you openly appreciate your supervisor for all that she does for the unit, you have validated her existence even though she might be a terrible supervisor.

Sometimes the most proficiently skilled nurses are canned because they lack the likeability factor. Sometimes the nurses with lackluster skills remain with the same job for many years without complaints because people love their charismatic personality. As previously mentioned, people who are beloved tend to avoid being targeted. Again, I might be wrong about you but it is something to consider. Good luck to you.

BuckyBadgerRN, ASN, RN · Nov 22, 2014

LOSE, not LOOSE. You don't need a wrench.

It does sound like you could use a smile though. Seriously, fake it til you make it! How many of your negative situations would have been totally different had you done it with a smile on your face?

Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN · Nov 22, 2014

My reply may come across as something pulled from thin air, but I think your issues may revolve around the chance that you might lack the likeability factor. Other than the missed order, I have the sneaking suspicion that something about your interactions may be off-putting to coworkers and patients.
Up until several years ago I had issues with interpersonal skills and rubbed coworkers the wrong way throughout my working career (from age 16 onward). I had no clue what was wrong until I was almost 30 years of age.
My best friend, who has worked with me at different workplaces, revealed to me about five years ago, "I now know why people don't like you. Coworkers like me because I play the game. I stroke people's feelings and get them to like me and do anything for me. I pretend to enjoy them and compliment them, even though they might smell awful or dress horribly. When people have a choice between a phony person and an honest person, they almost always pick the phony because most people do not handle the truth well. I'm the phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, so they don't like you as much."
I told her, "That seems like kissing ass. I cannot stoop to that low level, even if it means I never form good workplace relations like you." My friend simply shrugged smiled and blurted out, "It is what it is!"
My workplace problems disappeared almost overnight once I began playing the game. Playing the game encompasses a range of interpersonal skills, likeability, professionalism and charm. You must learn to play the game. You must project an image of yourself while at work and act as if you enjoy the company of demanding patients, annoying coworkers and unrealistic supervisors. If not, you'll continue to receive complaints.
As unfair as this may seem, coworkers who have the likeability factor are often forgiven for missing the occasional order, whereas everyone else will be punished. Coworkers who have the likeability factor are usually not reported by patients and colleagues for offenses such as "not helping" or "not smiling." My aforementioned friend is one of the laziest nurses in the universe and refuses to wipe butts, but people do not report her because they love her presence. This may seem unfair or not right, but life isn't fair.
Many years passed before I finally understood that we work with some pathetically lonely colleagues and clingy patients who yearn for validation on the job because they don't get it in their personal lives. So if you pretend that your patients absolutely light up your shift, you have validated them as people. If you act relieved that the patient care tech got to work safely even though you're secretly irritated that she is 20 minutes late, you have validated her existence. If you openly appreciate your supervisor for all that she does for the unit, you have validated her existence even though she might be a terrible supervisor.
Sometimes the most proficiently skilled nurses are canned because they lack the likeability factor. Sometimes the nurses with lackluster skills remain with the same job for many years without complaints because people love their charismatic personality. As previously mentioned, people who are beloved tend to avoid being targeted. Again, I might be wrong about you but it is something to consider. Good luck to you.

Yup....that about says it all.

Katniss88 · Nov 22, 2014

My reply may come across as something pulled from thin air, but I think your issues may revolve around the chance that you might lack the likeability factor. Other than the missed order, I have the sneaking suspicion that something about your interactions may be off-putting to coworkers and patients.
Up until several years ago I had issues with interpersonal skills and rubbed coworkers the wrong way throughout my working career (from age 16 onward). I had no clue what was wrong until I was almost 30 years of age.
My best friend, who has worked with me at different workplaces, revealed to me about five years ago, "I now know why people don't like you. Coworkers like me because I play the game. I stroke people's feelings and get them to like me and do anything for me. I pretend to enjoy them and compliment them, even though they might smell awful or dress horribly. When people have a choice between a phony person and an honest person, they almost always pick the phony because most people do not handle the truth well. I'm the phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, so they don't like you as much."
I told her, "That seems like kissing ass. I cannot stoop to that low level, even if it means I never form good workplace relations like you." My friend simply shrugged smiled and blurted out, "It is what it is!"
My workplace problems disappeared almost overnight once I began playing the game. Playing the game encompasses a range of interpersonal skills, likeability, professionalism and charm. You must learn to play the game. You must project an image of yourself while at work and act as if you enjoy the company of demanding patients, annoying coworkers and unrealistic supervisors. If not, you'll continue to receive complaints.
As unfair as this may seem, coworkers who have the likeability factor are often forgiven for missing the occasional order, whereas everyone else will be punished. Coworkers who have the likeability factor are usually not reported by patients and colleagues for offenses such as "not helping" or "not smiling." My aforementioned friend is one of the laziest nurses in the universe and refuses to wipe butts, but people do not report her because they love her presence. This may seem unfair or not right, but life isn't fair.
Many years passed before I finally understood that we work with some pathetically lonely colleagues and clingy patients who yearn for validation on the job because they don't get it in their personal lives. So if you pretend that your patients absolutely light up your shift, you have validated them as people. If you act relieved that the patient care tech got to work safely even though you're secretly irritated that she is 20 minutes late, you have validated her existence. If you openly appreciate your supervisor for all that she does for the unit, you have validated her existence even though she might be a terrible supervisor.
Sometimes the most proficiently skilled nurses are canned because they lack the likeability factor. Sometimes the nurses with lackluster skills remain with the same job for many years without complaints because people love their charismatic personality. As previously mentioned, people who are beloved tend to avoid being targeted. Again, I might be wrong about you but it is something to consider. Good luck to you.

I think you have summed up my whole problem. I don't talk a whole lot and sometimes I have a hard time finding words to say. Whenever I meet patients I usually say the same things when introducing myself. Even with my coworkers I don't talk a whole lot, when I first started working there I didn't say much of anything. This whole time I have just been thinking about providing good nursing care to my patients, but in reality I should have been trying to make them like me. After talking with my supervisor I was so upset and mad, I was thinking to myself "so I'm supposed to kiss my patient's butt just so they will like me". When I was doing my preceptorship in nursing school I don't remember my preceptor being the "all warm and fuzzy" kind of nurse or babying her patients, but she was a good nurse. I guess I went into the wrong career because I'm not people person. A nurse I work with said he wasn't a people person, but it just fakes it.

SubSippi · Nov 22, 2014

I agree with Commuter, part of being a nurse (and really any job) is learning how to play the game. Most of your coworkers who consistently have positive patient satisfaction scores probably aren't really passionate about providing "excellent customer service" or anything ridiculous like that. They've just come to realize it's just as much a part of their job as head to toe assessments.

The ability to be straightforward, honest, and "tell it like it is" can be a very valuable asset to a person's personality, and there are most definitely times when this is necessary, and appropriate. However, a few smiles, some small talk, or an unnecessarily fervent apology can go a long way. Even if you feel like you're being phony, I would be willing to bet that your patients would interpret these behaviors as those belonging to an especially compassionate and caring nurse, even if you go about the other parts of your job in the exact same way.

It may feel forced and artificial at first, but trust me, it quickly becomes second nature. And if it makes your job position a little more secure, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

jae501 · Nov 22, 2014

There are was to "play the game" and keep your integrity. I was terminated from a job a year ago because, I have this "attitude problem" that causes me to be a patient advocate and stand up for what is right by my patients and staff and not what is in the best interest of the facility's financial gain (I know, shame on me- I'm a MONSTER). I stood up for what was moral and ethical and did lose my job- looking back, I'd do it again, but perhaps with a different approach... I now am learning how to play the game- I am not phony by any means, but I smile a lot (even when I want to choke the hell out of someone) and even when the stress level is high, I keep that smile on my goofy face. Unfortunately, nursing has become more of a customer service industry than a helping/healing one.

Keep on My Dear- Try, even when the day is the suckiest of suck, plaster a big smile on and speak kindly- go in a room alone when your smile is about to choke you and frown, cry, or whatever- Come back out and keep moving. Be stern but supportive to your staff and remember we are NOT perfect- Orders will be missed or jacked up occasionally- Just own it, and be better next time.

I always felt it was a "kissing ass" thing as well, which IS NOT me by any stretch. I'm a realist with high standards and no tolerance for ignorance or laziness. I do not want my staff's laziness to reflect on me, because I do know I am good at what I do- BUT even with the high standards, I have come to realize, what my 100% is and what someone else's is, is different.

Give your 100%. At the end of the day what isn't done, can be delegated to the next shift- What they choose to do (or not do) with it is on THEM. Leave work at work. Be warm and loving. It doesn't make you a kiss ass.

I wish you the best Squirrely18. If it doesn't work out- Maybe take some time and reflect on what you really want- Not based on a paycheck- What your heart needs.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Nov 22, 2014

I guess I went into the wrong career because I'm not people person. A nurse I work with said he wasn't a people person, but it just fakes it.

Bingo!

I am similar to the nurse that you work with: I am not a people-person, so I have learned to basically become a social fake-and-shake who plays the game to reap rewards through my interactions. Once I got a clue that my interpersonal skills might be problematic, I aspired to fix the issue by figuring out what people wanted and then giving it to them.

Many people, including some of our coworkers and patients, are insecurely attached. These people want validation of their existence. People want to be reminded that they matter. People want confirmation that they are more than just a forgettable cog in the rat race better known as modern day life.

Being a nurse with competent procedural skills is not enough. You are going to have to go above and beyond by validating the existence of pathetically insecure people who do not receive enough validation in their lives outside work. A nurse in this day and age needs both the hard skills (a.k.a. hands-on procedural skills) and the soft skills (a.k.a. intangible social skills).

How do you validate these people? Compliment the tech on her shoes, even though she might be wearing a pair of ugly sneakers. Compliment the elderly patient on her wedding ring, even though it might look hideous. Ask about peoples' children, partners, vacations and parties. People love it when you remember the details of their lives. Pretend to have an interest in them as a person. Validate them. Fortify their existence.

Good luck to you!

mariebailey, MSN, RN · Nov 22, 2014

I feel your frustration. My supervisor told me verbatim recently, "You need to try to be more extroverted." My preceptor put on my recent evaluation that I was too soft-spoken. Part of my problem is that I get so focused on doing the work right that it's hard to shift my attention to being personable & friendly. It's not that I'm not interested in my co-workers or patients/families as people, really; it's just that I'm working with time constraints & nursing duties that leave little time or mental capacity for trying to be likable.

SierraBravo · Nov 22, 2014

I think that as a new nurse it's hard to demonstrate the hard and soft skills simultaneously, at least for most new nurses. However, once your hard skills (technical aspects of nursing) get solidified, you can play the game while you're performing your technical skills. You'll be able to "walk and chew gum at the same time". That's the only parallel I could think of right now. And that's not to say that you can't do that right now. If you can, then you must. Otherwise you are going to be going around and around in a negative circle no matter where you work. Like others said, compliment the tech on her shoes, etc... Do you think I care about my tech's shoes? No! In fact, I couldn't possibly care any less. But you know what, I say things like that because otherwise I am going to get attitude and a brick wall when I ask her to do something that I need done. I really appreciate what you are saying and that is how I felt and acted in the beginning. Where did it get me? Nowhere except on everyone's radar. Like someone else said, you can change this (almost literally) overnight with an attitude shift. Actually, think of it as a paradigm shift so that it's not so negative. :)

VANurse2010 · Nov 22, 2014

I used to have a similar problem. It was helped enormously by moving to critical care where there is more emphasis on the technical skills. It also helped that the patient population at my new job is, to be brutally honest, just a better class of people compared to what I was used to. Generally higher socioeconomic groups tend to treat the hospital more as a hospital and less as a hotel. You would think it would be the opposite, but I have found it is not.

nurse4ever08 · Nov 22, 2014

You have to fake it hard. I don't with coworkers but I do with patients. I am not on the management favorites list and do not hang with coworkers.