add your funny TRIAGE complaints from pts

[er nursing]

Hey all new to the board, thought we could share some strang encounters in triage......

...as the 24yr male entered triage I asked what's wrong today? He replies my "ovories" hurt...... there is a time for pt education and there is a time when it's not....this is clearly one of those time its not.....

Whats yours?

JBL:sofahider

[debgirl71]

just tonite: guy signed in "don't know". no symptoms, labs normal, negative xray.

i guess he was bored.

[talaxandra]

"stomach got stuck in zipper" (via EMS from school. Her tummy got pinched in her pants zipper...no trauma, no bleeding, no mark of any kind. The school aide told me "you know, schools have to be careful; there could be some sort of internal bleeding or something." Uhhhh huh.)

Oh dear god

[NY-RN_Kay]

Young female at triage...

"I know I am pregnant"

ER RN- "How do you know?"

"My baby's daddy can feel two heartbeats in my wrist, mine and the babies"

C'mon now! You must be ***ting me!!!

[RetiredTooSoon]

Admitting Dx: "Can't Stop Crying" (for 3 days straight)...and she was right. She sat in a bed in the hall and cried for hours!

Our little ER had a woman come in with that. Fortunately, her family doc was the one on that night (small centre-family docs ran the ER) and he was able to get her settled. She had been crying almost constantly since the night before; not sure what the dx was.

[uniquenurse, BSN, RN]

75 year old lady, lives alone, called an ambulance because her "light bulb in the room is busted". Brought in to E.D. for social admission.

[TraumaNurseRN]

"My 5 year old swallowed a piece of candy." 5 year old sitting there fine as can be. I say hi there, what's your name...she tells me. I ask mom again....is there a problem mam...she says, omg you don't understand what I am trying to say, she swallowed a piece of candy....:chuckle:smokin:

[chicagobsn]

CC: "hemragging to death"

Pt comes into Triage with her sidekick stating "Im hamragging to death and need help now!"

me: youre bleeding?

pt: "Yes, from my area, theres many clogs and clauses flowing like a sea down there!"

Me: Are you on your period? How long has this been going on?

pt: Yeah mam I have my menspration and I cant keep up with the clogs and clauses!

Me:So you have your period and there are a lot of clots? Her sidekick interrupts and states, I saw it all in the bowl! TONS of clauses in there! Shes dying!

I never did find out what clauses were..thank god they didnt bring in a specimen!!!

[ThrowEdNurse, BSN, RN]

"My son has been having an asthma attack for about a week and we out of his meds so I been making him breath into a paper bag instead but it ain't really working."

It was Christmas morning.

I was just glad they used paper and not plastic.

[mind_numbed]

Pt was elderly male.

Chief complaint: "Wife got to frisky, and hurt me."

Baseball bat through the orifice to the descending colon and it was stuck. (souvenir bat mind you)

We were all shocked to see him walk into the ER.

I know it is not really funny, but you didnt see the X ray.

[aidan13]

So this 38 yr old woman comes in because she said she accidentally defecated on the floor thinking she was just going to make a fart. For some reason that scared her. Still, the doctor asked for an EKG.

[Pepperlady]

Fellow decided to do a "JackA**" move (from the movie), filled his mouth with gasoline and lights it on fire as he spits it out..... yeah, we treated his burns.

Thats why the movie came with a disclaimee "do not try this at home"

[ScrappyED, BSN, RN]

Gotta LOVE triage (otherwise I'd be gray already or have strangled someone)!

My favorites:

* 20 something male pt: "I gotta get these wires out of my jaw, they're killing me"

Me: When did you have them put in?

Pt: "I don't remember, last December maybe?" It is now August.

Me: trying to restrain myself "And when exactly were you supposed to get them out?"

Pt: "I think they said in January, but I just can't wait anymore--it's hurtin' like hell!"

Me: because I had to ask: "Just out of curiosity, why didn't you have them out in January?"

Pt: "Well, you know how doctors are--I couldn't get in with one--look do you think they can take them out right now?"

Me to self--"probably not you idiot, as your skin has now grown all around the wires and the wires seem to be permanently implanted in your face!"

Me to pt: "I don't know honey, you'll have to talk to the doctors."

*40'ish Female pt: "I am hemorrhaging!"

Me: "From where?" looking around for signs of blood

Pt: "You know where"

Me: pause for long mental sigh, then nicely: "Actually, I don't, can you tell me?"

Pt: "From my virginal area"

I go into the standard questions of how much, for how long etc. any abdominal pain.

Pt: "You know I'm having an obliteration next week"

Me: blink, "I'm sorry, a what?"

Pt: "You know, where they go in and burn out my insides so I'll stop bleeding."

Me: lightbulb goes off -- uterine ablation "OOH, so your GYN is aware of the problem"

Pt: "Yes"

Me: "So what can we do for you tonight?"

Pt: "Make it quit--my doctor doesn't believe me."

Me: "What doesn't he/she believe exactly?"

Pt: "That I'm bleeding, but I really am, wait a second...

and she proceeds to drop her pants and show me the pea sized smidge of blood on her pad.

Me: blink, blink, wow, TMI, "Mam, that's o.k., I believe you-- let's get you to a room" while typing away furiously in an effort to finish this one!!!

same day: (I have named that infamous day the lady partsl Crazies Day in my memory)

* 40'ish female pt: "The phone nurse told me to come in"

Me: "O.k. what's going on?"

Pt: "I have heavy discharge from down there"

Me: "Can you describe it"

Pt: "Sure, but it'd be easier to show you" and begins opening a grocery store bag with a sample in it.

Me: to self: Holy Cow, I have to be on candid camera or something.

Pt: "The phone nurse told me to bring a sample"

Me: to self: Wait till I find out who that nurse is@!@!