A classmate wants to know if I'm gay. How should I respond?

HikingNinja, BSN, MSN, DNP, RN, APRN, NP · Apr 28, 2007

I don't know if I'd respond like that. That makes it sound as if the OP is interested in dating him.
If the curious student is homophobic, there is a lot of research identifying homophobic attitudes and behavior as classic symptoms of latent/repressed homosexuality. Repressed homosexual men who use homophobia as a coping mechanism do not like to see in other men what they know is inside of themselves that they are trying to deny/block out, and he may react more extremely than just merely rejecting the invitation.

I agree. You never know how a homophobic individual will react. This is actually how a friend of mine responded to this same situation in a classroom setting (non nursing). It turned out the guy was not homophobic, but simply had never met a gay person before and in his inexperience/immaturity didn't know how to talk to that person and ask questions. It all turned out well and they became friends because my buddy was very open to educating others. The other person didn't feel like my bud was interested in him at all. I apologize if the way I phrased it sounded that way, but it didn't sound that way when he was saying it to this person. I think it has alot to do with tone,etc.

Dee

gitterbug · Apr 29, 2007

You already have a code you have adopted. It is sound and seems to work for you. I would keep my personal affairs personal. If more gossip comes your way, you can confront this person in the nonthreatening way the other posters have suggested. Good luck.

kharing · Apr 29, 2007

I would ignore the entire issue and wouldn't bother approaching this person. Similar gossip hounds are in my program. They seem to get caught up in everyone else's business. Ironically, these are the same people that struggled to maintain their grades. They most likely will be failing out this semester.

Doc to be · May 4, 2007

:uhoh21: I'm not sure how to handle this. Today a friend of mine told me that a classmate of ours was fishing for information regarding my sexual orientation. This male student was asking inappropriate questions. It makes me uncomfortable that he feels the need to bring this up with other classmates of mine. I am gay. This however, is irrelevant and frankly none of his business. It has always been my policy to keep my home life separate from nursing school. We spend so much time together in clinicals and class and I have a feeling the rumor mill will be churning. Should I let it go? Bring it up with him?...

*sigh* don't make such big deals out of it. I'm not gay, but I have a few gay friends and be get along great. Their being gay is no secret, and nobody cares.

Why does he ask your classmates instead of you? Well, how do you think an insecure straight guy would react if someone walked up and said "Are you gay?" He would be offended.

Be straightforward, just tell him "yes I am gay, why do you ask?"

This however, is irrelevant and frankly none of his business. It has always been my policy to keep my home life separate from nursing school.

Sexual orientation is a relevant part to someone's personality. If you have friends in school, then home life can never be completely separate from school, not if your friends care about you.

We spend so much time together in clinicals and class and I have a feeling the rumor mill will be churning. Should I let it go? Bring it up with him?...

Kill the rumor. Find a way to let people know you are gay without flaunting it. Just be matter-of-fact about it. Wear a gay-pride pin or something.

Use your friends for support; THEY know that you are gay, don't they? Just explain that yes you are gay, but you aren't in the market right now. If you haven't brought it up wit the other guy yet, let your friends do it.

"Who, Seth? Yeah, he's gay. *grin* don't worry, he isn't going to hit on you or nuthin, he's pretty cool. HEY, you wanna come chill with us *your friend indicates you and 3-4 of your friends, male and female*, we're going to *insert: bar(a straight bar)/club/show/etc* tomarrow night"

^that will especially work if he likes one of your friends (or you), so it works if he is straight or gay.

Alternator81 · May 5, 2007

Wear a gay-pride pin or something.
"Who, Seth? Yeah, he's gay. *grin* don't worry, he isn't going to hit on you or nuthin, he's pretty cool. HEY, you wanna come chill with us *your friend indicates you and 3-4 of your friends, male and female*, we're going to *insert: bar(a straight bar)/club/show/etc* tomarrow night"

I'm sorry, but I think that this is ridicules! Honestly, I do not believe that sexual orientation really has anything to do with someone else. Why would he need to make a big production, and have his friend make up some silly story to make sure the other person is comfortable with his orientation. I have quite a few friends that I study with, and although my sexual orientation is known, it's not really important enough to talk about... especially with another student who I don't really interact with.

wear a gay-pride pin? Please!

Mizz_Nurse · May 5, 2007

Tell him that you're taken, and to stop stalking you.

firstyearstudent · May 5, 2007

Before class I'd stand up and say, "For those of you who have been wondering if I'm gay, YES I AM!"

Then I'd never say another word about it.

donsterRN, ASN, BSN · May 5, 2007

Since heterosexual people don't generally make a statement like that to their classmates, why would you suggest that a gay student do that?

A person's sexual orientation is nobody's business but his own. How he decides to let others know about it is entirely a personal matter.

firstyearstudent · May 6, 2007

Since heterosexual people don't generally make a statement like that to their classmates, why would you suggest that a gay student do that?
A person's sexual orientation is nobody's business but his own. How he decides to let others know about it is entirely a personal matter.

Because I think that the more homosexual people are unashamed "out" the more it will be accepted by our society.

Standing up and saying it without provocation would just be a little joke, acknowledging that he's heard people are wondering but no one is brave enough to just come out an ask him.

donsterRN, ASN, BSN · May 6, 2007

The OP clearly stated that he felt his being gay was irrelevant to his studies, and was nobody's business. He also said that he prefers to keep his home life separate from nursing school. None of this means that he isn't already "unashamedly out". He's being professional.

As an "unashamedly out" gay man, I appreciate the fact that some people may want to know details about my life. My friends and family know who I am. I certainly don't shy away from questions about my life. But the bottom line is that my sexual orientation does not define me; it is merely a component of me. And regardless of who I choose to spend the rest of my life with, at the end of the day it is still nobody's business but mine.

It has nothing to do with shame.

ZASHAGALKA, RN · May 6, 2007

I know another nurse on this site has said, and I deeply respect him for that, that he has made it a priority to never deny being gay. That isn't to say that it is necessarily advertised, just that direct inquiries are never denied.

Here's the thing. If you AREN'T gay, and somebody asks if you are gay, normally, what you get is a fast denial: "Who me?! No!" It's just what happens.

So, if you are gay, you'd better come up with a way to deal with this in a direct manner for your entire nursing career. Either you have to deny it, or you have to embrace it. Because, if you don't deny it immediately, people will (rightly) assume that a non-denial is an admission of fact.

It is just the type of question where the measure of the response itself answers the question. It may not be fair, but it is the way it is. So, you need to figure out how you are going to answer this question in your new career. I'll tell you for sure: it's not the last time you will be asked, directly or indirectly.

It's none of your business, or, I'd rather not say ARE affirmative answers to that question. Whether you want them to be, or not.

~faith,

Timothy.

firstyearstudent · May 6, 2007

The OP clearly stated that he felt his being gay was irrelevant to his studies, and was nobody's business. He also said that he prefers to keep his home life separate from nursing school. None of this means that he isn't already "unashamedly out". He's being professional.
As an "unashamedly out" gay man, I appreciate the fact that some people may want to know details about my life. My friends and family know who I am. I certainly don't shy away from questions about my life. But the bottom line is that my sexual orientation does not define me; it is merely a component of me. And regardless of who I choose to spend the rest of my life with, at the end of the day it is still nobody's business but mine.
It has nothing to do with shame.

I've spent most of my adult life in New York or Los Angeles. It's never been an issue. It hasn't been unprofessional to be openly gay and it's anybody's business. I'm met many people who did make being gay a big part of who they were (especially youngsters defining their identity) and older folks who were like,"yeah, I'm gay, whatever."

Yeah, I'm like you. I don't like my sexual identity coming into play professionally. I'm a hetero female but I dress super conservative and don't like to discuss my personal life, but that's just a preference. I know plenty of folks who like to talk and be sexual at work and that's fine (as long as it doesn't interfere too much). We've all animals.