A classmate wants to know if I'm gay. How should I respond?

naskippy · May 7, 2007

:uhoh21: I'm not sure how to handle this. Today a friend of mine told me that a classmate of ours was fishing for information regarding my sexual orientation. This male student was asking inappropriate questions. It makes me uncomfortable that he feels the need to bring this up with other classmates of mine. I am gay. This however, is irrelevant and frankly none of his business. It has always been my policy to keep my home life separate from nursing school. We spend so much time together in clinicals and class and I have a feeling the rumor mill will be churning. Should I let it go? Bring it up with him?...

Well, this is kind of hard to give advise on I think in not knowing the "players" in the game. You knowing this person should be a better judge of that. Maybe he is gay and like someone said, in a high school type of way is wanting to know because he has a fondness for you. Or, he maybe a homophobe looking to cause trouble. Depending on your trust in this person your answers may differ somewhat. But I agree, keep your personal life personal and your professional life professional. I would reply in some sort of fashion in that way and let the person asking for him know that if he wishes to discuss personal issues you would be glad to do so on a one on one bases outside the professional setting. If you know for a fact they are just wanting to cause trouble I would make it clear the line of questioning is inappropriate an unprofessional and leave it at that.

brighella · May 7, 2007

I find that to any nosey questions a smile and "why do you ask?" (as though such a question would never occur to you to ask)

If they actually answer you, respond "oh" as if still mildly confused but fine with it. If they are so rude as to persist (I have not yet had this happen) wonder aloud why it could possibly be so important.

Its pretty non-threatening, but sends the message that you dont answer anything you dont care to.

danissa, LPN, LVN · May 7, 2007

.I just wonder..Seth are you still reading this......taking in the different viewpoints?.

Thedreamer · May 7, 2007

I got approached today asking if I had a girlfriend. I have a partner of 4 years come the 25th of this month. I simply told her "Nope, I dont have a girlfriend."

I really dont know how I feel about that. I didnt lie to her since I really dont have a girlfriend, but at the same time I wasnt openly honest with her.

atwtrn · May 8, 2007

wow..i can't believe so many people responded. I'm glad for all the viewpoints. I just want to make it clear. I am not ashamed of being gay. I just don't think I need to let everyone in my class know. The classmate hasn't brought up the issue again to my knowledge..but I'll def have an idea of what to say if this happens again.

justme1972 · May 8, 2007

...and say...

"Why? Did you need for me to fix you up with ?"

I bet he won't ever ask again.

CrazyPremed, MSN, RN, NP · May 13, 2007

This is a great and interesting post.

My opinion is that a person's sexuality is part of who they are. We don't go around pretending that everyone is straight, white, upper middle class, educated, Christian, English is the primary language, and male. Whether we like it or not, we tend to take most characteristics of a person in when we interact with them. Sexual orientation is no different.

In addition, nursing school is a very personal experience. We bring who we are to the table everyday. To try to separate our past experiences and basic characteristics when planning and providing care to our patients is denying the basic premise of nursing. It's nice to say that we keep our personal lives and professional lives separate, but we don't. Nurses who experience stress in the workplace carry it around through poor health and mental strain. On the other hand, nurses who are in great environments (generally) have bodies and minds that show this. Of course, we don't have to tell our patients what we do every weekend or what we worship, but to pretend that we are robots and can lead two separate lives is flawed thinking.

I ask that you embrace your race, sexuality, personality, and any other characteristics that make you, you. Can it lead to discrimination - yes. But, remember, this process isn't always about how others respond to who you are, it's about taking your individuality, accepting your differences, and focusing the great qualities into the makings of a great nurse.

Good luck with the process and your journey.

CrazyPremed

firstyearstudent · May 13, 2007

This is a great and interesting post.
My opinion is that a person's sexuality is part of who they are. We don't go around pretending that everyone is straight, white, upper middle class, educated, Christian, English is the primary language, and male. Whether we like it or not, we tend to take most characteristics of a person in when we interact with them. Sexual orientation is no different.
In addition, nursing school is a very personal experience. We bring who we are to the table everyday. To try to separate our past experiences and basic characteristics when planning and providing care to our patients is denying the basic premise of nursing. It's nice to say that we keep our personal lives and professional lives separate, but we don't. Nurses who experience stress in the workplace carry it around through poor health and mental strain. On the other hand, nurses who are in great environments (generally) have bodies and minds that show this. Of course, we don't have to tell our patients what we do every weekend or what we worship, but to pretend that we are robots and can lead two separate lives is flawed thinking.
I ask that you embrace your race, sexuality, personality, and any other characteristics that make you, you. Can it lead to discrimination - yes. But, remember, this process isn't always about how others respond to who you are, it's about taking your individuality, accepting your differences, and focusing the great qualities into the makings of a great nurse.
Good luck with the process and your journey.
CrazyPremed

I'm with you! If people ask me a personal question, I'm inclined to share -- and you can do this in a completely PROFESSIONAL way. Why not. It's how we learn about each other and leads to tolerance.

For instance, I'm an atheist and a vegetarian, and while I don't usually bring it up, if religion or food habits are a topci, I share my beliefs -- despite the fact that some people take offense.

You'd be surprised at how many people have remarked on what a decent and moral person I am "eventhough" I'm an atheist. I'm glad I was able to do some teaching.

RN34TX · May 14, 2007

I'm with you! If people ask me a personal question, I'm inclined to share -- and you can do this in a completely PROFESSIONAL way. Why not. It's how we learn about each other and leads to tolerance.
For instance, I'm an atheist and a vegetarian, and while I don't usually bring it up, if religion or food habits are a topci, I share my beliefs -- despite the fact that some people take offense.
You'd be surprised at how many people have remarked on what a decent and moral person I am "eventhough" I'm an atheist. I'm glad I was able to do some teaching.

I'm not trying to knock your post, you bring up very valid points.

However, as a gay man in his 30's, I have long grown tired of homosexuality being equated with things like vegetarianism (thanks to the sickeningly politically correct era of the 1990's).

I'm sorry, but disclosing that you are a vegetarian or even an atheist most likely will not expose you to potential discrimination or even violence outside of some religious right fanatic group. I fail to see any widespread reporting of people being violently attacked or denied apartments or employment because they are vegetarians.

A person chooses to become an atheist or a vegetarian. Homosexuality is not a choice and equating it with other lifestyle choices further feeds the myth that one chooses to be gay which is how many people justify being discriminatory/intolerent toward gay people.

Sorry for the soap box, I just wanted to point out that disclosing that you are gay is not even remotely close to disclosing lifestyle choices and does not carry the same potential risk.

justme1972 · May 14, 2007

I'm not trying to knock your post, you bring up very valid points.
However, as a gay man in his 30's, I have long grown tired of homosexuality being equated with things like vegetarianism (thanks to the sickeningly politically correct era of the 1990's).
I'm sorry, but disclosing that you are a vegetarian or even an atheist most likely will not expose you to potential discrimination or even violence outside of some religious right fanatic group. I fail to see any widespread reporting of people being violently attacked or denied apartments or employment because they are vegetarians.
A person chooses to become an atheist or a vegetarian. Homosexuality is not a choice and equating it with other lifestyle choices further feeds the myth that one chooses to be gay which is how many people justify being discriminatory/intolerent toward gay people.
Sorry for the soap box, I just wanted to point out that disclosing that you are gay is not even remotely close to disclosing lifestyle choices and does not carry the same potential risk.

I agree with you. I think that asking for someone's sexuality is extremely rude. My husband and I have several gay friends that we each knew separately before we got married. But to ask? I wouldn't dream of it.

As the old saying goes...if someone wants you to know, they'll tell you.

firstyearstudent · May 14, 2007

I'm not equating vegetarianism and atheism with homosexuality. And, I'd never advocate that people put their lives in danger. But because of those who have, all homosexuals benefit from increased tolerance.

As far as athesists being the victims of violence, it happens infrequently, in the United States. But certainly they are victims of discrimination, depending on where they live.

I am puzzled that you think that atheism is a lifestyle choice. It is not for so many of us. I didn't choose not to believe in God. I'm just not wired that way. Maybe that's something you can understand.

RN34TX · May 15, 2007

I'm not equating vegetarianism and atheism with homosexuality. And, I'd never advocate that people put their lives in danger. But because of those who have, all homosexuals benefit from increased tolerance.
As far as athesists being the victims of violence, it happens infrequently, in the United States. But certainly they are victims of discrimination, depending on where they live.
I am puzzled that you think that atheism is a lifestyle choice. It is not for so many of us. I didn't choose not to believe in God. I'm just not wired that way. Maybe that's something you can understand.

OK, I'll give you that. Good point.

I'm not wired to sing in the Baptist church choir either and I don't know that I could ever actually choose to do so and actually believe in it.

Point taken.

I remember being in LPN school in my 20's with the giggly girls asking me if I had a girlfriend and such basically trying to get the scoop on me. I was about to graduate within weeks and although I was totally out of the closet in every sense of the word in all other aspects of my life, at the same time I was deathly afraid of anything that might jeopordize my becoming an LPN.

Even then I knew that nurses and particularly nursing instructors were not above being discriminatory so I was scared but stood my ground anyway.

After living in small town Mississippi several years prior to LPN school as a out of the closet 20-something young man, I can tell you that as a result to this day, there are very, very few people left on this earth that I am truely afraid of.

But the fear of not getting through nursing school and not getting my LPN license was by far more frightening than what any redneck Mississippi skinhead could ever dish out.

Even in 2007, disclosing that you are gay can potentially jeopardize a lot for a person regardless of how tolerent someone claims to be or how many anti-discrimination policies pertaining to gays are on the law books or written in school or hospital policy books.

People will abuse their power and do what they want and can always find a way around any policy or law to fire someone or dismiss them from nursing school.