Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

[video=youtube_share;C1TnH1084xk]

[Emergency RN]

about to start an iv insertion, i ask of the patient:

"...you're the one that wanted the larger needle, right?"

the look on their face is always priceless, lol...

[KinshuKiba]

When a patient begins complaining about a clear liquid diet...

"You're forgetting: tequila is a clear liquid!"

[Psilant]

Not sure if this has been posted yet or not...

When I have pts that are on tele and multiple IVs (shoot, sometimes it only takes one), they tend to get all tangled up and complain about it. I tell them that we do that on purpose so that they will be sure to call us when they want to get out of bed... it's a orderless restraint system.

[franciscangypsy]

I tell my patients that we wake them up all night so b/c we're afraid that if we let them be too comfortable, they'll want to stay and not want to go home!

[xiloscient, BSN, RN]

As I check surgical sites and lift their gown:

"So how much are you charging for a look these days?"

[bigbub3000]

"I am not really a nurse but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night"

What does that mean?

[Psilant]

What does that mean?

It used to be a commercial. I think there was one with a guy in surgery and another man smiles down on him... I'm not a doctor, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night! Cheesy...

[tinerjayne]

When helping fresh post-op pt's out of bed the first few times they're very nervous, often saying "I'm going to fall, I can't do it or Don't let me go"

I look at them and say-we won't let you fall xxx, it's a lot more work to pick you up off the floor.

They always chuckle and forget about the nerves.

[teeniebert, LPN]

When helping fresh post-op pt's out of bed the first few times they're very nervous, often saying "I'm going to fall, I can't do it or Don't let me go"

I look at them and say-we won't let you fall xxx, it's a lot more work to pick you up off the floor.

They always chuckle and forget about the nerves.

"...and then there's all that paperwork..."

[313RN, BSN, RN]

When I'm discharging patients and they're in the wheel chair I tell them "the good news is you can go home now. The bad news is the elveators are out and you're going to have to take the stairs. I'll meet you at the bottom."

Discharge instructions to a kid with a face lac from falling off a skateboard "And remember, chew gum, not concrete."

I also like to add my own discharge instructions (only one instruction per customer):

Never throw a brick straight up

Never give alcohol to a monkey

Never fry bacon with out shirt on

Don't be naked around fishing lures or fireworks

Don't chase a laxitive with a sleeping pill

If someone tells you to look in the sink- don't

Never ask a hitchiker to babysit your kids

Never bet you can fit your head inside a glove compartment

Don't get romantic with farm equipment

Never let a bald man borrow your comb

[mom4josh]

These are great!

- Sometimes, when I say good-bye to my patient before leaving in the morning, I tell them I don't want to see them when I come back.

- When they keep bending their arm causing the IV to beep, I tell them we'll have to do what we always do... tie their arm down! Some look at me like I'm crazy before they start laughing!

- Sometimes when I go in and ask the patient how he/she is doing and they tell me fine, I say, "Well what are you doing here then?"

Keep 'em coming!

[ackiepieRN]

Whenever I have to get a blood sugar, I'll usually make a crack if they give me the "middle finger" or if passing gas I'll remark something like, "That puts mine to shame!"