Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 20

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   tinerjayne
    When helping fresh post-op pt's out of bed the first few times they're very nervous, often saying "I'm going to fall, I can't do it or Don't let me go"
    I look at them and say-we won't let you fall xxx, it's a lot more work to pick you up off the floor.
    They always chuckle and forget about the nerves.
  2. by   teeniebert
    Quote from tinerjayne
    When helping fresh post-op pt's out of bed the first few times they're very nervous, often saying "I'm going to fall, I can't do it or Don't let me go"
    I look at them and say-we won't let you fall xxx, it's a lot more work to pick you up off the floor.
    They always chuckle and forget about the nerves.
    "...and then there's all that paperwork..."
  3. by   313RN
    When I'm discharging patients and they're in the wheel chair I tell them "the good news is you can go home now. The bad news is the elveators are out and you're going to have to take the stairs. I'll meet you at the bottom."

    Discharge instructions to a kid with a face lac from falling off a skateboard "And remember, chew gum, not concrete."

    I also like to add my own discharge instructions (only one instruction per customer):

    Never throw a brick straight up
    Never give alcohol to a monkey
    Never fry bacon with out shirt on
    Don't be naked around fishing lures or fireworks
    Don't chase a laxitive with a sleeping pill
    If someone tells you to look in the sink- don't
    Never ask a hitchiker to babysit your kids
    Never bet you can fit your head inside a glove compartment
    Don't get romantic with farm equipment
    Never let a bald man borrow your comb
  4. by   mom4josh
    These are great!

    - Sometimes, when I say good-bye to my patient before leaving in the morning, I tell them I don't want to see them when I come back.

    - When they keep bending their arm causing the IV to beep, I tell them we'll have to do what we always do... tie their arm down! Some look at me like I'm crazy before they start laughing!

    - Sometimes when I go in and ask the patient how he/she is doing and they tell me fine, I say, "Well what are you doing here then?"

    Keep 'em coming!

  5. by   ackiepieRN
    Whenever I have to get a blood sugar, I'll usually make a crack if they give me the "middle finger" or if passing gas I'll remark something like, "That puts mine to shame!"
  6. by   goats'r'us
    Quote from teeniebert
    "...and then there's all that paperwork..."
    and they dock my pay when I drop someone *sigh* it's gonna be a lean week...
  7. by   teeniebert
    Quote from Angie O'Plasty, RN
    One of my patients had such a great sense of humor! We were talking about dentists while I was taking vitals, so of course I couldn't resist waiting a couple of seconds after he had the thermometer in his mouth before saying, "So isn't this where I'm supposed to ask you a question that has a long and complex answer that you cannot answer because you have something in your mouth?"
    I often tell residents that I'm practicing to be a waitress--gotta wait until their mouth is full to ask a question. That way I get a smile-and-nod every time, never a complaint!
  8. by   franciscangypsy
    Whenever I admit patients to our floor and run through the checklist, I can tell that they're maybe answering questions a bit automatically or are nervous, so, in the same matter-of-fact voice, I'll ask a woman if she has a hx of prostate problems or a man if he is pregnant or has had a hysterectomy. Without fail, they'll stop, stare, and laugh. Then I say that if they have it in the future, to let me know so we can both make some money. It does a lot to lighten the mood.

    Also, we have dry erase boards that we're supposed to put our names on in a patient's room when we come in & introduce ourselves to them. I have an unusual, hard-to-remember name. So, I'll say "Hi, my name is franciscan gypsy, I'll be your nurse tonight. There will be a quiz at the end of the night."
  9. by   al7139
    After unhooking a patient from the IV pump, I will say "You are now free to move about the country."
    To a frequent flyer who stated "Can't anyone do anything right around here?" I replied "Then you wouldn't have anyone to yell at." Cracked him up. Now we get along great!
  10. by   bebe2010
    If i cant get a medicine bottle open i always say they make these adult proof
  11. by   MiaNursingStudent
    I live in Oklahoma and lately we've had a few minor earthquakes.... But one morning during my clinicals on the post-partum floor we had a tiny earthquake (4.2 on the richter scale)- small but enough to feel it. Anyways, I walked into my patient's room and performed the daily assessment and asked when the last time she passed gas was- she blushed and said "about 5 minutes ago... I'm surprised you didn't hear it because it shook my whole bed!"..... lol, I just had the best day after that... I never did tell her that her "massive fart" was just a little gas supported by an earthquake.
  12. by   ky_grl82
    When doing my first SC injection on a patient, I lovingly said to the patient "You were my first, and I shall never forget you." Luckily my clinical intructor who was present laughed... could have easily gone the other way! lol
  13. by   raincitynurse
    NotWhen doing a throat swab I tell the kids"I'm going to tickle your throat"of course they always gag! That's when I say all excitedly"wow! That means I did it right, thanks for not coughing in my eyes!!" These kids are not feeling to great if they are getting a strep swab...but this usually gets me a satisfied grin.

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