Funny things that pts say

I work in L&D and I had a 19 yo pt say the following when the doctor walked up to her bed to do a SVE (Sterile Vaginal Exam). She looked at me and asked "what is he going to do"? I said "he is going to examine you". She said "ooohhh, but his fingers are sooo big".

I almost died! I had to turn away to laugh silently. I was thinking to myself "What was in there in the first place to get you pregnant?". hahahahahaha

Not criticising this, as we all think of this when working OB...but when we are getting pregnant, unless it is a rape, we are usually ready, willing and able, and the body is also. My doctor's size 10 gloved fingers were examining at a time when I was NOT feeling any of the above. I usually said something like "He will be gentle, try to relax and take deep breaths.

While completing admission paperwork on a new female geriatric patient:

Me: So can you tell me what other problems you have, Mrs. B?

Pt: Yes. I'm impotent.

Me: (blank stare, thinking, definitely TMI there, but what do you expect, you're 80 years old, honey!) Oh?

Pt: Oh no, wait, that's not it. I'm ... you know, where you can't get to the bathroom in time?

Me: Incontinent?

Pt: Yes, that's it!

I work in a private surgical clinic...I had a patient in recovery room who asked me...i'm sorry, do I have a lot of pain?...

Had a patient in alcohol withdrawl who was really acting out and trying to escape. He had fractured his hip ( yep, he fell off the bar stool ) and had just come back from surgery earlier that day. Well, needless to say we put him in 4 point restraints. I was a tech at the time and was assigned to sit with him one on one. He looked over at me and says," I think I'm tied down, can you let me outta here? " ( I was one of the ones who restrained him ) A while later he yells out into the halls, " These girls have tied me up can someone help me. Wait a minute never mind." LMAO

I had a thirsty post op heart surgery pt who couldn't wait for me to walk to the nutrition room to grab him a glass of water, so he saw his IV Fluid and multiple gtts (Levophed, Epinepherine, etc.) hanging from the IV poll next to his bed... attached to his neck btw. He grabbed the extra tubing and pulled it toward him like a fisher reeling in a big catch. I got to him in time to ask, "What are you doing?"
"You took too long, so I'm going to get that water up there"

Ohhh no you're not. Seriously, what would happen if you drank Levo? Blehh
He asked me later on, 12 hours after being extubated, if he still had "That breathing tube down my throat"
"You're talking to me, right?"
"Yeah, I just want to know if it's still in there" *Blank look and not understanding me at all*
"No... the breathing tube is out. It's been out for about 12 hours"
"Oh good" zzzz

I work the night shift in a long term care center....the CNA asked her pt." Mrs. C. did you have a bm today?" Mrs. C. replied "yes I did". Then the CNA asked "was it small, medium or large?" Mrs. C. replied "well I don't know honey, I didn't measure it. It was about this big" (as she held up her hands to show how big it was). I just about lost it....it was so funny.

I was a volunteer nurse at a provincial hospital in a delivery and labor unit, One time, a patient came in the unit with contractions as frequent as 2 minutes. Before we could prep her for delivery, she suddenly said, "HEy, I can't deliver normally because I had a CA"
Everyone looked at each other, thinking it was Cancer, so I asked again, what do you mean CA?
She said, "The one where you get to deliver the baby through the stomach!"
OOoowwwwww it was CS (cesarean section) phew!!

When I was a new nurse, I had to follow IV Therapy for a day or two as part of my orientation. We were in the ER to start an IV on a woman who'd used up all her veins self-medicating, and appeared to be heavily self-medicated that day. After showing us where the best place to find a decent vein would be, she screamed at us to "take out this ****** cathedral!" She had a foley in.

Man, mid-40's, ETOH detox in 4 point leather restraints. I come in to draw blood from his PICC line. He yells "Hey! Get me out of here! Get these things off of me! I can't even scratch my balls!" I can't help but laugh, and I reply "Yes that is a bummer." Then he looks at me and says "Can you help me out with that?"

I declined.