Funny things that pts say

Nurses Humor

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Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day......

I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey, cause I'm self propelled!":rotfl:

I once had a pt ask me what time her "autopsy was scheduled for that day", I smiled and said "your BIOPSY will be later today".

I once had a little old lady ask me if I liked my job because I got to look at naked men all day.... :imbar

Just the other day I had an 84 year old lady ask me if I knew if her amniocentesis was scheduled for today or tomorrow. What she was asking about was her thoracentesis..

I worked a night shift on a different floor last night in LTC. There is one very spry 95yo woman who was just diagnosed with pneumonia yesterday and wasn't feeling so hot. Normally she toilets herself completely but last night needed support getting up and down.

I had her standing at the rail by the toilet and asked her if she wanted me to help with her brief. She shot me this horrified look but burst out laughing when I started with the brief.

She said how horrible must I look, I thought you said you'd pray for me :lol I didn't think I was THAT close!

That made me giggle all night, her too when I came back later to get her up again. Sweet old thing, she has quite the memory! Knew all the places I did in Chicago and remembered names that I couldn't find. I really enjoyed her last night :)

Specializes in Pre & post op surg, LTC, Dementia, HHA.

I have a restorative dining program and one little lady Bessie would toddle in every day with her walker. She was so cute. Little bitty tiny thing would walk up to you and give you an eskimo kiss every day and then she would rest her forehead on yours and in a tiny gruff voice say "I love you honey". Everyday when Bessie would leave I'd tell her "see u later aligator". this went on for a few weeks when one day out of the blue, she looks up at me very quizzacle and says "I know there's more to it, I just don't remember what it is". So I told her "You use to tell your daughter that everyday when she went to school and the rest of it is: after while crocodile". She smiled and nodded and said "yes, that's it." and went on her way. At the next meal time, she comes in at the regular time, gives me my eskimo kiss and tells me she loves me, eats her supper and as she's leaving I tell her "see u later aligator" she looks at me kind of funny, like she knows there's more to it but just can't remember and then you could just see the lightbulb (:idea:) come on and I'm thinking (she actually remembers?) and then with this ornery look, squints one eye and says in the loudest little old lady voice she can muster "OK tadpole". It was soo funny. she had myself and my 2 dietary aides ROFL.

Specializes in General Medicine.

My first clinical I had two patients in the same room who had "sun down syndrome". One patient got confused, got out of her bed (she was ambulatory), started wondering around the room and woke up the other patient. The other confused patient started asking her: "Who are you? Are you my doctor" and the first lady started saying: "Yes, yes I am your doctor" and it went back and forth till I had to take one patient from the room to the RN station... If could not stop smiling.

Also, I was reminding an elderly patient how to use a call light. I said "here is your call light, do you know how to call me for an assistance?" He said yes, but did not sound sure, so I said "could you please demonstrate it" and he started screaming out loud "Nurse help, nurse help!" :chuckle

I had also a patient with Alzheimer who used to be an RN herself. She was found wondering around on the streets with a drug book. The first time I walked in and introduced myself she said: "Nice to see you honey. I think you lost weight, so thin!" (mind you she never saw me before) I told her I was going to put eye drops in here eye and she said: "I would like to pay you first for this and all services your provide" Then in the middle of the day she tried to get out of the room, saying she needed to go on rounds and see her patients... I hope that's not me one day :-)

Specializes in Oncology, Cardiology, ER, L/D.
I love alcohol withdrawal patients. They never fail to keep me laughing. One night, I had an old man who was a pill! I ended up having to put him in 4-point restraints. Despite my efforts, he still tried to escape. Sitting at the nurse's station, I could see him doing sit-ups, trying to get the restraints loose. I yelled, "Hey, I can see you!" He said, "I see you too! Quit being so nosy!"

Later on, I almost peed in my pants.. He had been quiet for awhile and I was hoping that he had fallen asleep. All of a sudden I heard him call out, "Can anyone hear me?!?! Help! I'm tied up! Follow the sound of my voice!" Hahaha that still cracks me up!

:roll:roll:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Specializes in Critical Care.

I had an 87 year old lady once, post-op, doing fine considering. She wasn't very talkative, kind of grumpy looking. But me being the person I am, that is a challenge to me. I'll pick and pick at someone until they talk to me about something.

So during her bath I chatted on and on about meaningless things, then started asking her questions. I asked if she had any children, and she replied "Two girls." Then out of the blue she says "You know, my husband didn't want any children."

I said well you must have changed his mind at some point. She looks right at me with a "Duh" look on her face and, straight-faced as can be says "No, I just told him, look, I'm having some kids, and you can be part of it or not." I busted out laughing!!

I later asked her about the work she had done in her life, and she said, "Oh, I did it all. I had a dress shop, I did secretary work, I flew a plane..." to which I asked "You flew a plane? As a pilot?" She said no, she had just learned to fly because she wanted to, but did I want to know why she stopped flying a plane? I said sure.

She said "I was flying my plane one day and I looked around and there was nothing but sky and I realized...I can't stop and get a coke...I can't wave to anybody...so that was the last time I flew a plane!" :chuckle

For some reason I think this is the cutest 87 year old lady I have ever met!!

Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

The other night I was taking care of a fresh c/section pt and everything I tried to toss into the trashcan missed. Even if I was standing right next to the darn thing! Bounced wrong, went short, whatever, and I always ended up picking up stuff off the floor after finishing whatever I was doing. Finally at 0400 after about 9 hours of this, the pt turns to me and says, "It's is a really good thing you did not go to Beijing this summer. You cannot play basketball!"

:chuckle

We were having a petting zoo come to the facility one day this summer. I went into a res room to give her her 6am med and she asked me if I could take her to the b/r so I did. On the way back I asked her if she wanted to stay up or go back to bed abd she said bed because it was going to be a busy day. She stated "I'm going down later to look at all the furry coochies that were coming in today." I couldn't help it, I just burst out laughing. I politely explained what a coochie was. To this day her and I still giggle about that whenever she tells that there is some event at the facility that she wants to see............ I love my res!!!!!!!

Specializes in LTC, case mgmt, agency.

So it is 0530 am and I am getting blood sugars and passing morning meds. We have 2 pts in each room. So I get to the room and bed #1 has a very nice man who the CNA is getting dressed so I close the curtain and go to bed #2 with my accu check machine and his pills. He takes his pills ( he is very HOH ) and I ask loudly how he slept. Then I use the lancet on his finger and get the drop of blood. Well, when I look down I see I forgot the strip for the machine and I said in a low voice , " Oh , I forgot my strip. " Well, the HOH man suddenly perks up and Heard me say that and he says, " Holy ****!! My nurse is going to strip. Where the Hell are my glasses. " I heard my CNA and the patient burst into laughter. I was laughing too. As HOH as he is I am still amazed he heard me at all.:chuckle

I said in a low voice , " Oh , I forgot my strip. " Well, the HOH man suddenly perks up and Heard me say that and he says, " Holy ****!! My nurse is going to strip. Where the Hell are my glasses. " I heard my CNA and the patient burst into laughter. I was laughing too. As HOH as he is I am still amazed he heard me at all.:chuckle

There is no man too deaf to hear the word "strip".

Specializes in Hem/Onc, LTC, AL, Homecare, Mgmt, Psych.

RE: selective hearing :lol_hitti

Specializes in OB, ER, ICU, Supervision, SANE.
I love the patients that ask for their "Latex" instead of lasix.

Dilauda for Dilaudid.

lol....I had someone ask for DenLaudin! Is that Ben Laudins brother by chance?:bowingpur

Specializes in PICU, surgical post-op.

I was taking care of a little boy with hypospadius following his repair. A couple of days after his catheter was removed, I asked his mama how he was doing. She smiled widely and proclaimed: "The pee-pee is coming from the end of his man-hole!"

I about died laughing.

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