No friends at work

Red Kryptonite · May 22, 2015

I work in an er, and was told that I'm not allowed to socialize with the other workers.

What is this, junior high?

I moved my entire family to this place 1500 miles away from everyone I know and loved and I have nobody and nothing. Advice please.

Wrong. You have your family and by your own admission you have one coworker standing up for you. You also have your license, skills, experience, and ability to earn a living.

Work is not for making friends. Go, do your job, and then leave. Don't be unfriendly or rude, but also don't interact more than you have to. Find other places to make friends like church, neighborhood gatherings, book clubs, the gym, other parents at your kids' school, etc. Keep the personal and the professional separate.

There are people I work with that I like working with, and who like working with me. We're friendly, but we're not friends.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · May 22, 2015

Your description of events sounds like more of a problem with people being unhappy with your work habits than being unwilling to be your friend(s).

You describe a workplace where you have a not-so-good reputation. Having and making friends ain't gonna happen there! And that's sad, I'm sorry it turned out this way.

Whenever I hear someone complain wistfully about not having friends (for whatever reason), I remember my grandmother telling me when I was 11 or so that friendly people always have lots of friends. Over the years, this bit o' wisdom has unfolded in a lot of ways. People don't just come to you (the generic you) and offer their friendship while you (the generic you) sit by awaiting them to get over themselves and be your friend. It's more like you are their friend FIRST. YOU make the first move to be a friend, rather than wait around.

The first thing I'd do in your situation is take seriously the feedback you are getting. Entertain it, ask them questions about what they are seeing. Respect the feedback, even though it is unpleasant. Whether or not it's TRUE isn't the point. The point is you respecting them, which as a new person in a new town, it's up to you to fit in at first, rather than this group accommodate you.

By listening to their feedback (however unpleasant) respectfully, you might get at the 'truth' of whatever is happening. Maybe there is something you are misunderstanding and you don't realize it? You are new, after all :) . Respecting the feedback opens dialogue . . . an dialogue is how people will get to know you and determine if you are friend material. Making friends is mutual, it's not like baiting your hook and making friends out of whoever bites . It's a two way street. Start with taking their feedback seriously, whether or not it's true. If you can't do that, or won't, I'd say move onto another job and start over. It sounds like this has gotten off to a bad start as it is, and if you can't take a step back and try and see things from their point of view AS WELL AS your own, moving on somewhere else will at least please everyone involved.

Red Kryptonite · May 22, 2015

This is some of the feedback OP has gotten:

I've been told by management I'm not accountable for my actions, I'm too slow to work there, and I don't round on my patients enough. I can say I have the highest amount of written, called in compliments of any of the staff that works there, but that's not what they want to see. They want fast turnover. I'm not sure how a hospital that prides itself on being the "choice" hospital in the area cannot see that by my compliments I'm doing just that.

I'm curious to know, OP, how you know you have the highest amount of patient compliments among the staff. Is that information usually shared by management, and in such detail?

Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN · May 23, 2015

I'm told that I don't round on my patients (which I'd do). I have the highest amount of compliments both written and called in and in my mind that says that I am spending time with my patients. I was lastly told that they would like to see me in my patients rooms more (which is where I spend ALL MY TIME).

Also, frankly, praise from patients/family doesn't count for much, especially in an ER setting. Happy patients =/= well-cared-for patients, necessarily (and I think there was an article recently indicating that the most satisfied patients were the most likely to end up dying, or something to that effect?). If you're spending so much time with certain patients that they're remembering you specifically and going out of their way to commend you, could it be that others are slipping through the cracks?

Emergent, RN · May 23, 2015

I wouldn't dismiss, off hand, the experience described by the OP. I oriented, as a second PRN job a few years ago, in an ER that sounds similar. I ended up quitting before orientation was up, realizing that there were certain cultural realities there that I couldn't overcome.

Since then we've had 3 travellers work for our ER who have worked at the place I mention, who totally affirm that it has a toxic culture. These are very competent and well adjusted nurses, well liked and accepted at my workplace.

allnurses Guide · May 23, 2015

What is this, junior high?
Wrong. You have your family and by your own admission you have one coworker standing up for you. You also have your license, skills, experience, and ability to earn a living.
Work is not for making friends. Go, do your job, and then leave. Don't be unfriendly or rude, but also don't interact more than you have to. Find other places to make friends like church, neighborhood gatherings, book clubs, the gym, other parents at your kids' school, etc. Keep the personal and the professional separate.
There are people I work with that I like working with, and who like working with me. We're friendly, but we're not friends.

Red has given you very good advice I am fairly new at the place where I work and have one nurse their who I would call a friend. Like you I don't make friends easily but the one's I have I feel I have for life. It's been my experience that in some hospitals the atmospher can be very clicky (sic) and catty. I suppose whenever you get a bunch of women and men for that part who work together in a stressful environment it's bound to happen. I am a country farm girl (woman at 52) who has a particular mindset common to people from the country. I've been called strange by some but rather than change who I am I celbrate who I am. One of my co-workers called me a redneck ro other day and I just lifted my pony tail and slapped the back of my neck and said "Cradle to the grave baby"

If you moved 1500 miles for this job I suspect you are feeling a bit like a fish out of water and that's ok.Listen to what they are telling you and take it as constructive criticism act on it if you can. Don't get defensive.

Like Red said form relationships and friendships outside of work - I keep my work life separate as well. Due to circumstances that are clear on this board I don't drink and really have no desire to anymore. The people at my last job would go out drinking after work and commit all kinds of drunken shenanigans. They thought I was a stiff for not joining in.

At work I am a stealth bomber - I swoop in do my job and swoop out - Then I come home to the people I love and we spend time just being a family. The life of a nurse stretches you pretty thin so spend your off time and effort where it counts.

hppy

caliotter3 · May 23, 2015

If you think that matters are bad enough, then be proactive about looking for a new job. We get gut feelings for a reason. Don't ignore your gut.

LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN · May 23, 2015

If you moved 1500 miles for this job I suspect you are feeling a bit like a fish out of water and that's ok.Listen to what they are telling you and take it as constructive criticism act on it if you can. Don't get defensive.
Like Red said form relationships and friendships outside of work - I keep my work life separate as well. Due to circumstances that are clear on this board I don't drink and really have no desire to anymore. The people at my last job would go out drinking after work and commit all kinds of drunken shenanigans. They thought I was a stiff for not joining in.
At work I am a stealth bomber - I swoop in do my job and swoop out - Then I come home to the people I love and we spend time just being a family. The life of a nurse stretches you pretty thin so spend your off time and effort where it counts.
hppy

Emphasis mine-being a "stealth bomber" as my nursing m.o. for years has provided me the respect and social construct for the peers-nurses, doctors and support staff, and everything in between-that I have interacted.

I say take a step back and deep breathe, listen to the constructive instruction, self correct and plow ahead; make sure you adapt to what you need to know, adhere to best practice and continue to learn.

Best wishes.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · May 24, 2015

As we become entrenched in adulthood, developing friendships with other adults grows increasingly complex. As young children, we could safely approach other kids and ask "Will you please be my friend?" without seeming like some bizarre oddball.

However, to form friendships as an adult, you need to clearly convey your interest in getting to know others. If you show interest in other peoples' social lives, this gives them a clue that you'll likely accept any invitations they offer to you. This indicates to them that you are open to friendship without rejecting them.

Likewise, people will not bond with you or extend their friendship if they perceive you may reject them or are not terribly interested in them. Although they may remain an acquaintance, the conversion to friendship will never transpire. Social rejection stings, so people will avoid you if they perceive you are unavailable or unapproachable because they do not want to be rejected.

Hence, the subtle suggestion to "let's hang out one of these days" is crucial to display a social interest in others because it signals your wish to befriend them. To avoid turning into an adult loner or recluse, the onus is on you to convey your openness to making friends. Good luck to you!

juju0889 · May 24, 2015

You don't need to be friend people you work with all the time. Trying make friend who appreciate you for you are as a person. You'll be okðŸ˜‰

middleagednurse · May 24, 2015

Is there an EAP program at your job? They can provide free counseling.